Accepting the [sexual] situation [in my marriage]..

[TheRainbow]

Don't do an open relationship if she isn't 100% on board. Even if she does agree, it'll eat her up inside.

[Mr. Lucky]

And as a solution to this problem, I highly recommend the book Where Did My Libido Go? By Dr Rosie King. It's a book aimed at women who want to figure out what's going on.

 

Good advice assuming she's trying to figure things out. Based on the OP's description, makes you wonder...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bryanp]

I think you seriously have to ask yourself if you are willing to spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage. If the answer is no, then your course is clear.

[Orokotikki]

After ruling out an affair, I'd say ask yourself instead (1)how well you really know her needs in the marriage, and (2) how can you better meet them?

 

I would suggest the book For Men Only, I forget the author, use google

[pepperbird]

Good advice assuming she's trying to figure things out. Based on the OP's description, makes you wonder...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

You're making a HUGE assumption.

 

 

 

Don't forget, we are only hearing his side of the story. That's not his fault, it's just the nature on an online forum.

 

It's kind of hard to figure out why she isn't interested if you only hear his side. Again, not his fault.

[Mr. Lucky]

You're making a HUGE assumption.

 

As are you. And you know what? You could be dead right and I could certainly be wrong.

 

We can only respond to the facts as they're presented...

 

Mr. Lucky

[powershell]

overall she has almost zero drive..

 

Like others have suggested, make sure there's no hormone imbalances. Then try this...

 

I'm not sure how old she is, but for me, my sex drive peaked in my early to mid thirties. I remember wanting it all the time and thinking about sex constantly. I am now 45 and still have a pretty healthy sex drive, despite being 20 lbs overweight.

 

These days, my sex drive is at it's highest about a week after my period ends, and lasts for about a week. So... you might keep track of when that time is for her and exploit it. That is when you would have your best chance of making headway. Make suggestive and/or dirty remarks early in the day about what you want to do, etc, etc, and then attempt a move in the eve.

 

Sorry, I know that is a bad situation and I hope things improve.

[salparadise]

my sex drive is at it's highest about a week after my period ends, and lasts for about a week. So... you might keep track of when that time is for her and exploit it.

 

My ex-wife started the once-a-month crap about 15 years in. I think her drive shot up just before menses. Basically it was like... I'll have sex when I want it, not when you want it, and I don't really care if once a month isn't enough for you. She took for granted that I'd accept it, because I didn't have any choice. Well, I did have a choice––I started turning down her once-a-month overtures. It was the "what I want is more important than what you want" mentality that pissed me off. That attitude killed more than the sex.

 

Women who cut their husbands off just because they aren't feeling particularly horny are being really short-sighted. It is part of the marriage contract, central to the definition of marriage. Many marriages will not survive it, and those that do will be diminished. It's a pretty simple cause and effect equation. What do they expect?

[powershell]

My ex-wife started the once-a-month crap about 15 years in.

 

Lol. I'm not saying that once a month is a good thing. But for him, it might be a good way to entice his wife back into the sex thing, since they're not having any sex at all right now. Maybe it will kick-start things.

[Geraltt]

Women who cut their husbands off just because they aren't feeling particularly horny are being really short-sighted. It is part of the marriage contract, central to the definition of marriage. Many marriages will not survive it, and those that do will be diminished. It's a pretty simple cause and effect equation. What do they expect?

This is the part of the relationship that so many women simply refuse to acknowledge.

 

Physical intimacy is the foundational bedrock of the relationship. When that suffers, the entire relationship suffers. Using sex as a weapon or as "attaboys" for good deeds diminishes the whole basis of the relationship.

 

"But I don't feel like it..." is no way to ensure a healthy, viable partnership.

[pepperbird]

op,

beyond thyroid, etc., what are her reasons for her disinterest?

 

 

I am going to gently make a suggestion, and if you are the kind of guy I think you are, you won't take offense.

 

 

If sex is pleasureable for her, it stands to reason that she'd be interested in it. She's not. This begs the question of why she doesn't enjoy it enough to want it more often.

 

 

I know it might be a really uncomfortable discussion, but have you ever asked her, point blank, what she likes/doesn't like and what you do/ don't do that she enjoys? Is it possible there is something she is missing that shoe is too embarrassed/shy/ doesn't want to hurt your feelings to bring up?

 

 

Is it at all possible she was molested/sexually assaulted at some point in her life and she hasn't dealt with it well?

 

 

 

 

 

This is why I suggested the wine in my earlier comment. Not to get her drunk, but maybe, if has a glass or two, she might find it easier to open up to you. If she does, please listen with an open mind. It could be very hard for her to discuss the problem, but if she knows she can be 100 free in discussing this with you, it might help. If she still finds it hard, give her a bit of space. It might sound nutty, but you could even suggest to her that she do some looking online to see if there is a website or video that might help her explain the issue to you if she can't find the right words.

 

If all else fails, can you work with a marriage counselor who has expertise in helping couples with sexual difficulties? Sometimes, having a neutral 3rd party can make a lot of difference.

 

 

Whatever the problem might be, it will likley be solved only if the two of you can get on board. Hopefully, if she knows how serious this is for you, she'll be willing to at least meet you half way.

[lucky-girl]

... It was the "what I want is more important than what you want" mentality that pissed me off. That attitude killed more than the sex.

 

Women who cut their husbands off just because they aren't feeling particularly horny are being really short-sighted. It is part of the marriage contract, central to the definition of marriage. Many marriages will not survive it, and those that do will be diminished. It's a pretty simple cause and effect equation. What do they expect?

 

The attitude that wives should sexually service their husbands just because the husband wants sex, sickens me. Being a sex slave or whore to my husband was certainly not in MY marriage contract.

The role of sex within a marriage is to increase intimacy, not to serve his hornyness.

I guess men will never truly understand what it is for a woman to have sex when she doesn't want to - until the man has be ****ed up the arse when he doesn't want to. This does NOT increase intimacy or love in a marriage!

[DKT3]

The attitude that wives should sexually service their husbands just because the husband wants sex, sickens me. Being a sex slave or whore to my husband was certainly not in MY marriage contract.

The role of sex within a marriage is to increase intimacy, not to serve his hornyness.

I guess men will never truly understand what it is for a woman to have sex when she doesn't want to - until the man has be ****ed up the arse when he doesn't want to. This does NOT increase intimacy or love in a marriage!

 

The amazing thing is so many women have no clue about men...and round goes the hamster wheel. Men wont give intamatcy and emotional connections without sex, women wont give sex with all her conditions being met. Round and round we go

[salparadise]

The attitude that wives should sexually service their husbands just because the husband wants sex, sickens me. Being a sex slave or whore to my husband was certainly not in MY marriage contract.

The role of sex within a marriage is to increase intimacy, not to serve his hornyness.

I guess men will never truly understand what it is for a woman to have sex when she doesn't want to - until the man has be ****ed up the arse when he doesn't want to. This does NOT increase intimacy or love in a marriage!

 

Eh, I think you just don't get it. I'm not talking about occasionally not being in the mood––I'm talking about this mentality that you seem to have that a married man is not entitled to a fulfilling sex life, but that as a wife you are entitled to withhold and control as an expression of your mood or satisfaction or your issue of the day, whatever the may be. Even in dating, I understand that if a woman tries to get me to jump through hoops for sex the relationship is over. It either flows freely or it's not worth having. Like I said before, very short-sighted try and play this trump card even a little, much less a standard operating procedure.

[Geraltt]

Eh, I think you just don't get it. I'm not talking about occasionally not being in the mood––I'm talking about this mentality that you seem to have that a married man is not entitled to a fulfilling sex life, but that as a wife you are entitled to withhold and control as an expression of your moods or satisfaction or issue of the day.

This is the thing that so many women just don't get, either through sincere misunderstanding or wilful blindness.

 

The foundational bedrock of the marriage relationship is physical intimacy.

 

Using that intimacy as a weapon, or doling it out as some sort of cookie for good behaviour, diminishes the value of that intimacy and, as such, devalues the relationship.

 

Does this mean that a woman should be willing to have sex with her man when she really doesn't feel like it?

 

Yup. Just like a man will peruse through Pottery Barn with his wife, or work longer hours to bring home some extra money to pay for the shiny bauble that his wife wants, or sit and watch an awful rom-com on Netflix with her, even though those are the very last things he really wants to do.

 

"Oh, but there's a difference between all those things and having sex!" I can hear some of you say.

 

The difference is in like, not in kind. It comes down to being willing to do what's best for the relationship as a whole, rather than what's always best for one personally even if it damages the relationship.

 

The primary difference between being a success and a failure is the willingness to do the things that other people don't want to do. This works in business, in life, and in relationships.

 

Forget that truism at your peril.

[pepperbird]

This is the thing that so many women just don't get, either through sincere misunderstanding or wilful blindness.

 

The foundational bedrock of the marriage relationship is physical intimacy.<snip>

 

If sex is a loving, intimate act ( which I think it is), then a husband saying " i don't care if you want to or not, so long as I'm getting what I want" takes that away. In essence, it makes it just another chore on her list, which is something intimacy should never be.

 

Instead of this, why not try at least try and see her disinterest as a mutual problem that both husband and wife need to work together to solve. First, figure out the "why" of situation. Is she super stressed out from work, tired, ill or something else? Is it possible that sex for her with him may be ( and I am not trying to be mean when I say this) not so great?

 

All of these have solutions. If she's tired or stressed, cut back on work, find the root cause of the stress and deal with that. If she's really struggling, she might benefit from talking to a professional counselor. if it's the husband sexual technique that's the issue, address that.

 

It doesn't have to be turned into a men vs. women situation, or even one that's adversarial in any way. What it should be is two people loving each other and recognizing neither is happy and taking steps to solve the issue.

Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and fix spacing

[Mr. Lucky]

It doesn't have to be turned into a men vs. women situation, or even one that's adversarial in any way. What it should be is two people loving each other and recognizing neither is happy and taking steps to solve the issue.

 

I think you're missing the point the previous three posters, admittedly all men, tried to make. You're exactly right, both partners should work together to optimize the relationship, sex included, in a marriage.

 

But they're pointing out situations where sex is held hostage in pursuit of some other agenda. This has nothing to do with bedroom technique, stress at work or any other outside factor. And given how the male mind works, this approach works as poorly for them as the insistence on sex under any conditions does for women.

 

One of those instances where both sides can be right - and wrong...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

Don't do an open relationship if she isn't 100% on board. Even if she does agree, it'll eat her up inside.

 

Well if he doesn't find another woman who wants to have sex with him it will eat him up inside. So either they divorce or open the marriage since she refuses to have sex. What other choice is there?

[stillafool]

If sex is a loving, intimate act ( which I think it is), then a husband saying " i don't care if you want to or not, so long as I'm getting what I want" takes that away. In essence, it makes it just another chore on her list, which is something intimacy should never be.<snip>

 

I would hate to force someone or to coax someone who doesn't want sex to have sex with me. It is no fun having sex with a person who doesn't want it as much as you do. Thanks but no thanks. I'd rather have it with a willing and wanting partner. If she doesn't want sex OP, what suggestion does your wife have for you?

Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Starswillshine]

Reading some of these replies, it's no wonder there are sexless marriages. Geez.

 

Way to take the romance and intimacy out of it, guys. I never want sex to be a wifely duty. I want it to be something that we mutually enjoy. If someone isnt enjoying it, there is an issue.

[Timshel]

The amazing thing is so many women have no clue about men...and round goes the hamster wheel. Men wont give intamatcy and emotional connections without sex, women wont give sex with all her conditions being met. Round and round we go

 

 

The incongruity and subsequent misunderstandings are astonishing when a person understands this reality. I wonder if the men who feel this way (most, I assume) understand how easily they can be manipulated?

 

 

OP, I agree with posters suggesting a serious discussion is the way at this point. It's likely your wife doesn't understand fully how seriously lack of sex is affecting your marriage. Many women poo-poo this as male silliness.

She should be told that if there is no compromise possible, you will be filing for divorce. No sense staying in if you are losing your composure over it.

[elaine567]

It's likely your wife doesn't understand fully how seriously lack of sex is affecting your marriage. Many women poo-poo this as male silliness.

 

 

Agreed, and to many women the idea that "The foundational bedrock of the marriage relationship is physical intimacy." would be an alien concept and indeed laughable.

 

The bedrock of a marriage to them is love, affection, respect, companionship, kids, a home, financial security...etc. all that serious and important stuff, NOT sex...

[Timshel]

Right Elaine, that's the crux in situations as this and similar (excluding medical issues.)

If men will acknowledge that a woman's disinterest in sex is *usually* without malice...and women acknowledge the high priority sex is to most men, a compromise/middle ground is possible.

 

Communication!

 

G and I had a long discussion jumping from this thread. I had a light bulb moment and asked him about it. I've always known that men like sex, a lot...but truly did underestimate it's value in an ltr or marriage for the average man.

[DKT3]

Its interesting that when asked what's important in marriage both sexes have the same answers in the top five, the order is very different. Men list sex as number one, understandably since the majority of men form emotional connections through sex. For women sex is fifth since the majority view it as the apex of emotional connections.

 

In short, imagine climbing a flight of stairs, men need sex to take the next step, while women expect him to climb to the top to get sex. Those who figured it out as a couple are getting freaky halfway up.

[Overtaxed]

Physical intimacy is the foundational bedrock of the relationship. When that suffers, the entire relationship suffers. Using sex as a weapon or as "attaboys" for good deeds diminishes the whole basis of the relationship.

 

"But I don't feel like it..." is no way to ensure a healthy, viable partnership.

 

It's also the only thing that distinguishes a marriage from a friendship. Physical intimacy is THE thing that's held apart from all others. You can have friends, you can share secrets with them, you can buy each other gifts. I'm sure my friend would be thrilled if I came over and took out his trash and mowed his lawn and my wife wouldn't care one bit as long as our trash and lawn were handled. But sex with that friend? No, that's the line, right there. Everything else in a marriage, even deep emotional intimacy (which I have with a few other men and family members), that's fine. It's only sex that crosses the line, or, deep emotional intimacy with a potential sexual partner (an EA) which, I'd argue is actually about the sex (sexual possibility) more than the friendship.

 

Well if he doesn't find another woman who wants to have sex with him it will eat him up inside. So either they divorce or open the marriage since she refuses to have sex. What other choice is there?

 

Suck it up. The choice that many men make. Live a less happy life because their wives don't want to/won't sleep with them. Or have an affair (open the marriage unilaterally), a choice a whole lot of men in this situation make. All the options are terrible. Lose my wife, lose my sex life, lose my morality.. And nearly every married men I know, including me before my W's A, lived exactly this life and this choice. I chose "suck it up" and was deeply hurt and resentful about the loss of our sex life together. After her A (which, BTW, was wildly sexual, as is typical), I said "f**k that" and will never live that life again. It's a cost of entry to be in this marriage, we're gonna have a lot of sex. And I'm going to tell you I love you a lot and do things to make you feel special. And we're both gonna be happy about it, or I'm going to file for D, because I'm NEVER going back to the old "sex on her schedule" routine. Not after seeing her behavior during the A (which went from "I never want to have sex" to "Debbie does Dallas" in the course of a month).

 

The bedrock of a marriage to them is love, affection, respect, companionship, kids, a home, financial security...etc. all that serious and important stuff, NOT sex...

 

But then a lot of them choose to go and have an affair that will have almost none of that in it? Seems like a shocking double standard here and one that bears closer examination. The whole "I need to feel romanced, loved, cared for, safe, financial security, etc, etc" kind of goes out the window when you're meeting a guy you barely know for a quickie in his pickup truck. Yes, I think that women do want these things and I think that men should provide them, but, at the same time, let's not pretend like there aren't huge and glaring exceptions to this rule. Like me, who, in my eyes, provided all those things, was shut out sexually and then got to hear about my W's 3 months of sexual debauchery. And sex is, for a lot of people, myself included "the important stuff". I'd much rather have my wife fall down on the "financial security" component you listed above than on sex. Or let the home slip for more sex. The hierarchy of needs is just very different between the sexes, which, of course, comes through loud and clear on threads like this.

 

If sex is pleasureable for her, it stands to reason that she'd be interested in it. She's not. This begs the question of why she doesn't enjoy it enough to want it more often.

 

It's sadly, not that simple. When my W and I had sex before her A, she would have several orgasms every time we were intimate. No, she wasn't faking. I'm going to say sex was quite pleasurable for her, she still didn't "enjoy it". Or, put another way, she knew I enjoyed it more/needed it more, and used it as a way to control the relationship. Which is very, very common in long term marriages and relationships, at least if, well.. Every guy I've ever known is a reasonable basis for drawing "very common" as my frequency of this being an issue.

 

There's a saying, whoever cares less has the power. It applies to business dealings, friendships and intimate relationships. And women, in most cases, care a lot less about sex than the men do. Ergo, they win, and they get to control the terms and manner in which that part of the relationship grows or dies.

 

The attitude that wives should sexually service their husbands just because the husband wants sex, sickens me. Being a sex slave or whore to my husband was certainly not in MY marriage contract.

 

The attitude that a husband should have to jump through hoops to entice his wife enough to make love to him sickens me. Or that husbands should suffer through yet another trip to the shoe store holding the purse just because the wife wants another set of shoes that look exactly like the other 50 pairs she has, sickens me. Being a purse carrier and wallet was not in my marriage contract. Except well.. It kind of was. Every man alive knows that women like to shop, and, as her H, you're gonna be doing some of that shopping with her. And every man alive knows that marrying a woman doesn't mean "sex on demand" and you're still going to have to woo her every day. It's called compromise. You think I've never had sex when I didn't feel like it? You'd be wrong, I've done it, many, many times. Just like going to shoe store to look at 80 different types of shoes that all look exactly the same to me. The difference is, even that sex that I didn't want to have felt good, and, most of the time, afterwards, I was happy I did it because I spent time with my W. After the shoe store I'm just happy if I don't get blisters. Much less upside than an orgasm and time holding one another.