Do you think he even cared ?

[Helivesforme]

I can't just find a new job. I've been avoiding him. I haven't seen him in a few days. But he was in the office today causing attention to himself. Trust me. I want to leave work. He doesn't make me feel uncomfortable but he still tries to talk to me. He saw me blowing my nose and asked me if it was my allergies or if I was sick.

[Keysie]

You fell for him OP.

You are attracted to him that's why his actions are bothering you - "He loves me he loves me not?"

You may not have had sex but you allowed him to flirt with you online. My husband is the same.

If you have no interest at all then you would've just ignored him knowing that he tried to flirt with you before. He gave you attention and new feelings that you hadn't felt for long time. And you couldn't let go of that. You're saying you Only wanted to be friends but in truth you didn't want to lose that attention he is giving you.

 

This is just me OP but if someone showed interest on me other than being friends, I will blocked them and show them I'm not interested.

Edited February 5, 2019 by Keysie

[Smileygrl202]

From personal experience, I know what his game is. It's like trying to open a safe for which you have no combination. Every so often you spin the dial to see if you get lucky. Costs nothing and it keeps you aware that he's interested.

 

I stumbled across a few of your posts. You reminded me of an old friend I lost few years back. I wouldn’t call it an affair, I definitely don’t believe in emotional affairs. The concept of that is inane and stupid. Affairs are only when it culminates into something physical. That is when it’s called cheating. Rest are instense friendships and connections that nobody should feel guilty about. I certainly don’t. I met this man online. I was skeptical about online friendships and of course never took him seriously - like ever. He was so kind and compassionate - not to mention hilarious and made me laugh so much.

 

Turns out he was extremely handsome, very sexy and intelligent and successful. Lucky me!! Except he was married with kids and I was a single 24 year old who fell madly in love with him. Did we have an emotional connection, yes. Did we cheat ? Nope. Never. Nah.

 

I cried a lot when he bolted out of my life suddenly and cruelly. After years and years of a friendship that I would consider very close. There was no proper closure to the end of our close friendship. He left it open ended and that part is what makes it sad. I need answers and it hurts my heart even till this very day.

 

I still think of him too often. Only reason I’m writing today i cause I dreamt of him last night. Woke up feeling lost and confused and grief strikes about a man I love but never knew.

[mark clemson]

I stumbled across a few of your posts. You reminded me of an old friend I lost few years back. I wouldn’t call it an affair, I definitely don’t believe in emotional affairs. The concept of that is inane and stupid.

Of course you're entitled to your own view, but I strongly suspect you're in the minority in this. Many people feel that if that strong emotional connection is kept secret from the spouse it's an affair. And a significant number of spouses feel an EA is even more damaging than a very short PA since it cannot be written off as impulsivity, drunkenness, etc. Physical contact isn't the only thing that husbands/wives get from each other after all.

 

Rest are intense friendships and connections that nobody should feel guilty about. I certainly don’t.

I also don't feel guilt about my EA (what I call it anyhow) because it never went PA. We managed to keep that boundary in place despite some VERY strong desire (limerence, not just regular horniness). I believe it helped that we both have regular sex w/ our partners (she had a "perma-fiancee", I have a wife).

 

But definitely think feeling guilt or not is a personal thing - believe many folks do feel quite guilty about an "intense connection", especially if they work to maintain it and keep it a secret from their spouse.

[Smileygrl202]

Of course you're entitled to your own view, but I strongly suspect you're in the minority in this. Many people feel that if that strong emotional connection is kept secret from the spouse it's an affair. And a significant number of spouses feel an EA is even more damaging than a very short PA since it cannot be written off as impulsivity, drunkenness, etc. Physical contact isn't the only thing that husbands/wives get from each other after all.

 

 

I also don't feel guilt about my EA (what I call it anyhow) because it never went PA. We managed to keep that boundary in place despite some VERY strong desire (limerence, not just regular horniness). I believe it helped that we both have regular sex w/ our partners (she had a "perma-fiancee", I have a wife).

 

But definitely think feeling guilt or not is a personal thing - believe many folks do feel quite guilty about an "intense connection", especially if they work to maintain it and keep it a secret from their spouse.

 

Hi Mark,

 

Thank you for sharing your story. What is it that attracted you to your E/A in the first place? Was it a symptom of something lacking in your marriage? Do you miss her? Did your wife suspect that anything was amiss in your relationship with her at the time ?

[mark clemson]

Hi Mark,

 

Thank you for sharing your story. What is it that attracted you to your E/A in the first place? Was it a symptom of something lacking in your marriage? Do you miss her? Did your wife suspect that anything was amiss in your relationship with her at the time ?

 

Well, yes and no. We met in her place of work (I go there regularly). There are a few women there that I had gotten into the habit of flirting with. Nothing had ever turned even remotely into a big deal emotionally until she was hired, just fun, so actually it took me completely off guard.

 

I don't have a type, but I think there was sort of a perfect storm of her hair, face, and voice each reminding me of a (different) prior girlfriend. But most significant of all was definitely her personality/flirting style. She really laid it on thick and I admit I just accepted it all and enjoyed it without thinking critically. And I reciprocated in kind. And so we gradually became emotionally attached.

 

I think there were some issues in my marriage in the sense that my wife was quite busy at that time and so had been paying less attention to me than normal. That lasted 6-8 months and when her situation ended I was already in full-blown limerence for the AP. My wife never said anything, but I do remember her looking at me strangely, as if regarding me or contemplating something, which is unusual for her. So she may have been wondering if something was amiss.

 

I still think about AP sometimes, overall fondly, but I don't miss her. She became pretty mean and cold at the end (and I started responding similarly after a while) and so that colors my memories and tempers any idealism I might otherwise have about it. I forgave her (and she me, I think) and our last email exchange was a sort of fond farewell. Despite the VERY strong "I must be in love" feelings I once had, I honestly am happy to not see her again: I don't want to re-trigger the feelings and I don't want to deal with her "toxic side". FWIW, I am certain I will always remember her, at least unless I become senile or something like that.

 

This was probably a bit long winded, but believe I answered your questions. Hope you found them helpful. If you are still processing your EA/intense connection, possibly hearing other stories is helpful. I found it therapeutic in a way once mine ended. Take care.

[Smileygrl202]

Hi Mark,

 

Thanks very much for taking the time to answer my questions, I hope you didn’t think it too nosey of me. I just typed a long drawn out response to what you said in your post and then my ”session was timed out” and I couldn’t post it. So much for that!! Lol. Very frustrating! Haha.

 

I met my AP? when I was taking an online digital programming course. The first time we met was because of a group project we were assigned to- at a coffee shop ( only the ones in the same city or a drivable distance could make it obv.).

 

I’m not sure why he needed to take that course since he was way older than most of us and already well established in his career, but he was a social animal and always wanting to do things regardless sometimes of whether or not it was of any use.

 

Nevertheless, we connected and one thing led to another and I found myself confiding in him about a few relationships gone bad. Especially one that was particularly abusive and had brought down my self esteem/worth/ respect by many notches. He was there for me. Even my female friends couldn’t replace him in the way he was so passionate about how I deserved better and was beautiful and smart and worthy of much more. Of course, that was something that was very soothing to listen to and it calmed me of many of my insecuries. For awhile at least .

 

I knew about his wife by then and had met her on several

occasions and he seemed like an honest and open man and I just liked it that I was such close friends with him. Then it so happened one day he said he loved me and could do nothing about it and seemed very emotional. It was out of blue and tbh I didn’t take him seriously. I feel really sorry about that now. My heart hurts. I knew I felt the same but I didn’t have the courage to say it right then and there.

 

Then one day his wife calls and says that isn’t healthy for us to be friends anymore and they all but disappear. Well I couldn’t reach him with the number we used to talk on and he eventually changed jobs and relocated so I knew he really wanted nothing to do with me.

 

I thought the whole time he was a happily married man, he never said otherwise. I think he truly loved his wife but I can’t figure out where I came in the play and what I was to him if anything at all. I was truly devastated when he left and that’s when I realized omg I loved this man. Like I love him!

 

Anyway it’s been hard and it’s been a year now. Sometimes when I go through anything difficult in life I miss Matt. So that’s my story. Thanks again for sharing yours. Also, let me know what you think.

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[mark clemson]

OP, sincere apologies for the threadjacking + will try to keep this brief.

 

Smileygrl - I think it's nice in a way that you had what you had with this man, but as all with affairs it was inappropriate. Since you cared for him, be glad you didn't go PA as it would have increased the risk of ending his marriage.

 

I'm not going to speak to his actions towards you, but I suspect some other posters around here may chime in.

 

The sudden cutoff was almost certainly due to pressure from his wife and, while painful for you (and probably him too), completely appropriate and indeed what he *should* do since he is married. As much as you may appreciate what you had with this MM, consider how she must have felt!

 

I get that you think of him. The people we have strong connections with are often special people in our lives. Even some APs.

 

What's really best though, as I'm sure you realize, is that you tuck this away as a special memory and strongly connect with someone you can actually have (if you haven't already). Being an OW can often become a real nightmare. Many threads around here can attest to this.

 

Wish you the best of luck!

Edited February 20, 2019 by mark clemson

[niji]

Update: the OM keeps coming into the office for different things. He will make jokes and greet me. How do you recommend I keep things professional and how should I act so he thinks I'm not interested. It could be me but sometimes I think he's trying to make me jealous by talking to other women that work in the same office as me.

 

 

So far you've done a good job. Just don't act interested. Easier said than done, but if you keep telling yourself you're worth more than a cheap work affair, it should help a little bit. I agree that when things have gone this far to flirting and kissing, that changing job would be ideal. Staying should be a last resort. This is why I am half as friendly to male co-workers as I am to female ones, just to avoid anything from interfering with my marriage. Some male coworkers naturally are more flirtatious than others, but as soon as they see no reply or interest from you in response to their flirting (however mild it is), they will stop. It's just not worth the effort. A marriage is as strong or as fragile as you allow it to be. If I sense any attraction between me and a co-worker (which is inevitable because you're human after all ), I will try to be as curt as possible around them. And never save a male coworker to my phone, unless absolutely necessary (like having to save supervisor's phones to ask them questions when they're not in the office).