Do you think he even cared ?

[Mr. Lucky]

I identified some of the issues at home with my husband , problem is he will not take ownership for his actions. He wants to place the blame on me all the time.

 

It's dangerous to overlap two separate issues. The problems in your marriage have noting to do with the standards you chose for your own conduct and integrity. And looking at it from the other side, involvement with a third party only makes your relationship at home worse.

 

It's like robbing a bank to solve financial issues. Little return but a whole lot of risk...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Helivesforme]

OP, let me ask you this:

 

What are you going to do if this man comes to you and actually does ask you out?

 

What are you going to do if you do cave, have sex, and then he drops off your radar?

 

What are you going to do if you slip and your husband finds out you're cheating?

 

Please don't dismiss the above with an "oh, that will never happen." Your resolve isn't very strong, as I'm reading it, and I am getting the sense that if this dope says all the right words, you'll buy into it and concede.

If he would've asked me out before I'm not sure what I would've done. Right now I wouldn't do it. I made excuses did this OM and trust me he tried saying the right things but I'm pretty tough to figure out. He's said that I'm quite complicated and difficult. Most likely because I haven't given in to his compliments. I know that actions speak louder than words and he does a lot of talking. We never talked about being together. We both knew our prior rites are our families. I believe we were each other's outlet and escape. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't feel guilt but because he kinda understood me & I felt that he could relate to what I was going through , I found comfort talking to him. He never pressured me to do anything. However when I would try to stop talking to the OM he would say we could work on things. He also said I act as if we both aren't married & have kids with responsibilities. His OM would make it obvious he was after me at work and I didn't like that. I'm not good and lying hiding and sneaking g around , my husband knew something was going on. He's known I've been unhappy for years. But he wouldn't accept his faults and he kept me on a tight leash. I felt like a caged animal for years. This is the treason why I haven't caved in. I know the OM doesn't love me & that he belongs to his wife. I am not going to sleep with another man and present my husband with a tainted vag. I even told the OM I was a bit disgusted after kissing him because I don't know where his mouth has been and the reality of it is he could've very well given his wife oral right before n I wouldn't

Know it. Bottom line is I do care for him and it's better if I'm not in his life and that he isn't in mine.

[Helivesforme]

It's dangerous to overlap two separate issues. The problems in your marriage have noting to do with the standards you chose for your own conduct and integrity. And looking at it from the other side, involvement with a third party only makes your relationship at home worse.

 

It's like robbing a bank to solve financial issues. Little return but a whole lot of risk...

 

Mr. Lucky

Actually.. the problems in my marriage was what caused me to believe at that time that it was ok for me to lower my standards because I was numb for so long & I hit rock bottom. I felt stuck & my world was a big fog. My husband said he didn't want me talking to any men at work and so I didn't but then I found myself isolating myself and not being able to

Interact with the opposite sex. Even if I wasn't doing anything wrong I felt like crap because I knew my DH would be upset. I grew tired of living my life the way my DH wanted me to , his insecurities caused our marriage to suffer tremendously. I don't have much of a social life and I'm ok with that because my family comes first however I find that because I am made to feel like crap for wanting some time to myself I crave interaction with other people. Only chance I get to interact with people is at work.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't have much of a social life and I'm ok with that because my family comes first however I find that because I am made to feel like crap for wanting some time to myself I crave interaction with other people. Only chance I get to interact with people is at work.

 

I think part of your problem is right here. You are telling yourself you're fine with your limited socialization, but go on to say you crave it.

 

That does not justify cheating, mind you, but you are certainly seeing that you are unhappy having no social life and nobody to really talk to. That is something you can change, in a way that isn't damaging to your marriage.

 

I would wager that if you start working on these areas in your life, the temptation of another man won't mean so much to you.

[Helivesforme]

I think part of your problem is right here. You are telling yourself you're fine with your limited socialization, but go on to say you crave it.

 

That does not justify cheating, mind you, but you are certainly seeing that you are unhappy having no social life and nobody to really talk to. That is something you can change, in a way that isn't damaging to your marriage.

 

I would wager that if you start working on these areas in your life, the temptation of another man won't mean so much to you.

That's the problem. My husband thinks being married means not spending any time apart which doesn't allow me to have very much time away from him. If I make plans with a gf he asks why he wasn't invited and blows everything out of proportion accusing me of wanting to act single or be single. He says it is a problem if his wife wants to spend time away from him. He also has the alarm company send him text messages when the front door opens to track what time I leave & return home.

[pepperbird]

That's the problem. My husband thinks being married means not spending any time apart which doesn't allow me to have very much time away from him. If I make plans with a gf he asks why he wasn't invited and blows everything out of proportion accusing me of wanting to act single or be single. He says it is a problem if his wife wants to spend time away from him. He also has the alarm company send him text messages when the front door opens to track what time I leave & return home.

 

 

Ma'am

 

 

you're still trying to blame others for your actions, and that is actually keeping you from moving forward. So long as you place the blame for your cheating ( which is what you have done) on your husband, your other man or anyone else, you give your power away.

[elaine567]

He also has the alarm company send him text messages when the front door opens to track what time I leave & return home.

 

 

That is one very controlling man.

That is coercive control.

Coercive control is a criminal offence in the UK.

It is a pattern of behaviour which seeks to take away the victim's liberty or freedom, to strip away their sense of self.

 

Seek help.

[Helivesforme]

I'm not blaming other people for my actions. I am coming to terms with my actions and reflecting on what caused me to confide in other people. I have addressed my issues with my DH but he places the blame into me for everything. He has apologized for making me feel like a bad wife and mother for pursuing my promotion. Seems like sometimes the only answer is divorce however we don't have any support outside of him & I & we agree that we do not want our child to suffer. Our schedules are pretty hectic & we need each other's support. We also do love one another but have grown apart. We no longer share the same views. I am a bit bored. He doesn't want to have any sort of hobby or time of his own so he doesn't want me having one either.

[Helivesforme]

Well I thought if I didn't have anything to hide I let it go & I was tired of arguing in front of our child about everything. Since we rarely have any alone time we spend a majority of our time having disagreements & not being able to address them.

[pepperbird]

Well I thought if I didn't have anything to hide I let it go & I was tired of arguing in front of our child about everything. Since we rarely have any alone time we spend a majority of our time having disagreements & not being able to address them.

 

 

 

 

If he is this controlling ( and I actually doubt some of the extent you claim he is) then you need to get out. If you don't want to end your marriage, so be it, but insist he get some therapy to address this issue. In the long run, it will pay dividends.

 

I know you may well come back with " but I don;t want to end my marriage", but don't you see, by playing this game and cheating, you are putting it at great risk. What do you think would happen if your husband found out you had kissed and other guy or read your words on here? I doubt he'd be happy, and there is ever chance he wouldn't stick around.

 

If you are willing to put your marriage and your child's stable home and your marriage at risk by cheating, then why are you not as equally willing to put it at risk by telling your husband how unhappy you are and that you have reached a crossroads where change has to happen or you will begin to explore the process of uncoupling from him?

 

 

That's where you mental energy should be placed. Not worrying whether or not some om cared about you.

[Helivesforme]

I've told him how unhappy I was 4 years ago. He waited until I mentally checked out a year later to agree. We went to counseling and he went to individual counseling. It helped a bit but during marriage counseling he kept saying he didn't like the counselor because he didn't like what she was saying. He didn't agree that he was controlling , intrusive and suffocating. I asked him to seek individual therapy because I know some of his behavior stems from emotional abuse from his mother. He said he's had nothing stable but me in his life & he won't lose me. He kept pointing the finger at me & I told him I was the only one that cared and begged for counseling. I told you how unhappy I was and you didn't listen. I have been putting up with his controlling behavior for 14 years now. It has improved so I give him credit and acknowledge his efforts. I tell him I appreciate it but the damage we have done to one another has been done. We need to press the reset button & stop bringing up the past. Every day he makes comments about me cheating.

[pepperbird]

I've told him how unhappy I was 4 years ago. He waited until I mentally checked out a year later to agree. We went to counseling and he went to individual counseling. It helped a bit but during marriage counseling he kept saying he didn't like the counselor because he didn't like what she was saying. He didn't agree that he was controlling , intrusive and suffocating. I asked him to seek individual therapy because I know some of his behavior stems from emotional abuse from his mother. He said he's had nothing stable but me in his life & he won't lose me. He kept pointing the finger at me & I told him I was the only one that cared and begged for counseling. I told you how unhappy I was and you didn't listen. I have been putting up with his controlling behavior for 14 years now. It has improved so I give him credit and acknowledge his efforts. I tell him I appreciate it but the damage we have done to one another has been done. We need to press the reset button & stop bringing up the past. Every day he makes comments about me cheating.

 

 

Do you think it may have reached a point where the reset button is out of reach right now?

 

 

I've been married a long time too, and mine is far from perfect. There are times where it's really hard. From what you say, you've tried talking to him, tried counseling etc. , but it sounds like you are still really unhappy.

 

 

My spouse and I went through counseling as well, and while some of it was bunk, one thing she did was to help us manage the issues.

 

She explained that saying we had problems in our marriage was just to big and broad. We needed to sort them down into something more manageable.

 

She had us sit down individually and write down what we thought the problems were and see where we were close and where we were far apart. She than had us break the issues down into smaller component that we felt we could deal with, then create concrete, actionable steps to solve them. It made it so much less overwhelming, and oddly enough, that helped.

 

I know I don't sound sympathetic to you, and I'm sorry for that. I know how lonely it can be to feel like you are married but still utterly alone. When I read your words they are full of pain, disappointment and anger at your spouse, which is understandable. This being said, I would hate to see you add more to the load you already have to carry by adding another guy to the mix.

[Helivesforme]

Do you think it may have reached a point where the reset button is out of reach right now?

 

 

I've been married a long time too, and mine is far from perfect. There are times where it's really hard. From what you say, you've tried talking to him, tried counseling etc. , but it sounds like you are still really unhappy.

 

 

My spouse and I went through counseling as well, and while some of it was bunk, one thing she did was to help us manage the issues.

 

She explained that saying we had problems in our marriage was just to big and broad. We needed to sort them down into something more manageable.

 

She had us sit down individually and write down what we thought the problems were and see where we were close and where we were far apart. She than had us break the issues down into smaller component that we felt we could deal with, then create concrete, actionable steps to solve them. It made it so much less overwhelming, and oddly enough, that helped.

 

I know I don't sound sympathetic to you, and I'm sorry for that. I know how lonely it can be to feel like you are married but still utterly alone. When I read your words they are full of pain, disappointment and anger at your spouse, which is understandable. This being said, I would hate to see you add more to the load you already have to carry by adding another guy to the mix.

I am an adult and I need to take responsibility for my actions. What hurts me the most is that my DH knows It's not in my character to cheat. I was brutally honest with him. He would ask me questions like "Has anyone hit on you at work?" I told him yes but you know very well that if you don't show any interest and reject th they will leave you alone. He said I should stop talking to any and all make co workers and not have any conversations with them about abutting besides work. So he wants me to live in a bubble & not socialize. Once I saw the truth made him angry and even more jealous & insecure. I chose not to volunteer information. Around this time, before I strayed he told me to go screw other men and also said I didn't make enough money. He apologized for this of course once he realized how damaging his words were. I used to hang on his every word. My life was surrounded by pleasing him.

[pepperbird]

I am an adult and I need to take responsibility for my actions. What hurts me the most is that my DH knows It's not in my character to cheat. I was brutally honest with him. He would ask me questions like "Has anyone hit on you at work?" I told him yes but you know very well that if you don't show any interest and reject th they will leave you alone. He said I should stop talking to any and all make co workers and not have any conversations with them about abutting besides work. So he wants me to live in a bubble & not socialize. Once I saw the truth made him angry and even more jealous & insecure. I chose not to volunteer information. Around this time, before I strayed he told me to go screw other men and also said I didn't make enough money. He apologized for this of course once he realized how damaging his words were. I used to hang on his every word. My life was surrounded by pleasing him.

 

 

It's a lot for one person to carry, and it's simply not sustainable.

 

The irony of him trying so hard to hold on to you is that it's actually pushing you away.

[Mrs._December]

....and told me he wouldn't mind being intimate with me.

Why that silver-tongued devil!

 

With THAT kind of game, I'll bet he's been beating the girlies off with a stick. :laugh::rolleyes:

[Helivesforme]

It's a lot for one person to carry, and it's simply not sustainable.

 

The irony of him trying so hard to hold on to you is that it's actually pushing you away.

Exactly. He says now that he doesn't worry about me leaving him and that he's all of tears and no longer willing to put up with any unfaithfulness. I stopped seeing the OM 6 months ago. Stopped texting /talking to him 2 months ago. Of course he still tries to talk to me at work. I know he only wants to bed me & he was dishonest. I expected him to be honest because I was honest with him. I know my mind was in a different place & so I continued this so Called relationship but it actually made me feel worse at the end.

[pepperbird]

Exactly. He says now that he doesn't worry about me leaving him and that he's all of tears and no longer willing to put up with any unfaithfulness. I stopped seeing the OM 6 months ago. Stopped texting /talking to him 2 months ago. Of course he still tries to talk to me at work. I know he only wants to bed me & he was dishonest. I expected him to be honest because I was honest with him. I know my mind was in a different place & so I continued this so Called relationship but it actually made me feel worse at the end.

 

 

Some people can live with being dishonest and it doesn't phase them. It sounds like you aren't one of those people.

 

 

 

That's a good thing! Be true to yourself.

 

What do you need the most from your husband right now?

[Helivesforme]

Why that silver-tongued devil!

 

With THAT kind of game, I'll bet he's been beating the girlies off with a stick. :laugh::rolleyes:

Lol. He definetly doesn't get a lot of women. Which is why me giving him attention was new to him. He acted very obsessed with me , and told me he wanted me to crave him. He said lots of dorky douchey things. That's how I knew I had hit an all time low..

[Helivesforme]

Some people can live with being dishonest and it doesn't phase them. It sounds like you aren't one of those people.

 

 

 

That's a good thing! Be true to yourself.

 

What do you need the most from your husband right now?

I need him to listen. I realized that I've been living for him and didn't take care of myself., I'd give in to him because I thought that was the right thing to do. I sacrificed my happiness did his and did what I felt was best for my family. my husband hates the fact that I'm pretty independent and do not rely on him financially. I don't need him, I choose to stay with him. He will dismiss and minimize my concerns. I told him if he would just listen he would know exactly what to do to make things better. He constantly interrupts me & he doesn't remember what I say. It's like what I want isn't important or he's in disbelief that somehow he's not good enough. I feel it's definently a power struggle. I'm very much an alpha female as some Would describe me, but I left myself down by giving into my husband's needs. He was very selfish & wouldn't take ownership. He constantly needs me to pay him on the back and remind him that he is special. He relies on me to make him happy. I feel like I suffer in silence often because I was taught to suck it up & he strong. If I didn't have a child with my DH I know I would've left and started over.

[pepperbird]

I need him to listen. I realized that I've been living for him and didn't take care of myself., I'd give in to him because I thought that was the right thing to do. I sacrificed my happiness did his and did what I felt was best for my family. my husband hates the fact that I'm pretty independent and do not rely on him financially. I don't need him, I choose to stay with him. He will dismiss and minimize my concerns. I told him if he would just listen he would know exactly what to do to make things better. He constantly interrupts me & he doesn't remember what I say. It's like what I want isn't important or he's in disbelief that somehow he's not good enough. I feel it's definently a power struggle. I'm very much an alpha female as some Would describe me, but I left myself down by giving into my husband's needs. He was very selfish & wouldn't take ownership. He constantly needs me to pay him on the back and remind him that he is special. He relies on me to make him happy. I feel like I suffer in silence often because I was taught to suck it up & he strong. If I didn't have a child with my DH I know I would've left and started over.

 

 

Do you feel that staying in your marriage in this current condition is a good place for your child?

 

What benefits does he or she get from you staying keeping the status quo? What are gained if you leave?

 

 

I'm not saying you should stay or go, only you know the answer to that. I'm just saying that the current status quo doesn't appear to be working. You're tried counseling etc.

 

Does your husband know that you would have left but for your child? Does he know it's become that bad?

[Helivesforme]

Do you feel that staying in your marriage in this current condition is a good place for your child?

 

What benefits does he or she get from you staying keeping the status quo? What are gained if you leave?

 

 

I'm not saying you should stay or go, only you know the answer to that. I'm just saying that the current status quo doesn't appear to be working. You're tried counseling etc.

 

Does your husband know that you would have left but for your child? Does he know it's become that bad?

I think it's teaching my child. That one life gets tough you don't quit and when others would thrown in the towel, we do not. We try every which way to make it work if we really love someone. I would gain my freedom because my DH seems to think I want to be single if I want to have a little fun with my GFs. He said he would never allow or accept me to stay overnight anywhere. That I belong at home with my family. He coddles our child . We don't agree on how to parent or discipline /raise our child either. We constantly argue about that ad well.

[Helivesforme]

Update: the OM keeps coming into the office for different things. He will make jokes and greet me. How do you recommend I keep things professional and how should I act so he thinks I'm not interested. It could be me but sometimes I think he's trying to make me jealous by talking to other women that work in the same office as me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Update: the OM keeps coming into the office for different things. He will make jokes and greet me. How do you recommend I keep things professional and how should I act so he thinks I'm not interested. It could be me but sometimes I think he's trying to make me jealous by talking to other women that work in the same office as me.

 

Don't respond to anything that not's related to work.

 

Let him try to make you jealous - it just makes him look like a fool. Ignore it.

[Helivesforme]

Don't respond to anything that not's related to work.

 

Let him try to make you jealous - it just makes him look like a fool. Ignore it.

Ok. Thank you. This is what I've been doing. I only talk to

Him when its work related and try not to talk about anything personal. He keeps asking personal questions as if he cares and keeps laughing & making jokes. I just give him one worded replies.

[olivetree]

I think it's teaching my child. That one life gets tough you don't quit and when others would thrown in the towel, we do not. We try every which way to make it work if we really love someone.

 

That is one way to look at it, but you keep trying and it's not working.

Rather than teaching your child that hanging onto a bad relationship no matter what is what you do, why not leave and show your child what strength looks like... and eventually what an awesome healthy relationship looks like?

This can't be a great environment for them to grow up in.

 

I'm not suggesting you are a weak person, but not settling for a mediocre relationship after having exhausted your options by communicating, with counselling, etc is setting a good example, IMO.

As long as you don't run into the arms of another loser (ie. like the other man).

 

In any case, I think you should find a new job.