Am I being played?

[Overtaxed]

An ex work colleague of his hit on me at a wedding we attended a while back and I obviously rejected him. He told me that I should as my husband has been doing it for years. I dismissed this as sour grapes.

 

^^ This guy is trying to sleep with you by instilling doubt in your marriage. And:

 

She's going to ask the dude what he knows; not hook up with him.

 

Not likely..

 

Your going to cheat on your husband now? With the guy that tried already.

 

Much more likely.. This guy is practicing classic "pick up married women" routines. Instill fear, build a "reason" for the cheating, and then let things brew and come to a head. This guy is a practiced cheat, IMHO, and is just perfecting his craft on the OP.

 

As to the H, you had a PI on him twice and found nothing? For weeks at a time? I'm not sure what else you need to know, he's not cheating now, that's pretty obvious. Cheaters aren't exactly "Ethan Hunt", they aren't expecting a "tail" and most people who hire a PI get proof within a few days. It's pretty clear this guys not cheating; perhaps he did in the past, or perhaps he just has a lot of people in his life who are jealous of him and want to destroy his life and they're playing you as the way to get to him.

[usa1ah]

She's going to ask the dude what he knows; not hook up with him.

 

She is going to ask a known cheater for the truth. So what fairytale land do you live in.

[SammySix]

I don't appreciate the implication that I would have cheated. In the end maybe I should have.

 

His sister proved invaluable and tracked down her friend that lived by the park. After hearing what she had to say it became clear that this wasn't all in my mind. After breaking down on my best friends shoulder she confessed it was her. So now my whole life is ruined. I've lost the two people that meant the most to me in this world. It's a hard pill to swallow. All those deep talks I had with her and she was doing this. I think I hate her more than him. And to make it worse after I told her man he didn't care. He just said something like we're all good friends so why not. Sick man. At least my ex (still doesn't feel right to say that) did the right thing and came clean when I confronted him and he left so I could stay in the house. It's been a hard road even though it's only been a few days. Sometimes I think it's not going to be worth the struggle and others, like today, I feel a bit more positive. I'm really struggling with getting my head around her though. More than anything else why? Why do that to me. I've known her since I was 9. It's just a once off either. 5 years apparently. Happened the first time when we were all on vacation together in the Maldives.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant. When I get my head straight I might give some details if I feel up to it. And no doubt I'll need some advice on what to do going forward. I guess if anything can be learned from this it is to trust your gut.

[elaine567]

I don't appreciate the implication that I would have cheated. In the end maybe I should have.

 

His sister proved invaluable and tracked down her friend that lived by the park. After hearing what she had to say it became clear that this wasn't all in my mind. After breaking down on my best friends shoulder she confessed it was her. So now my whole life is ruined. I've lost the two people that meant the most to me in this world. It's a hard pill to swallow. All those deep talks I had with her and she was doing this. I think I hate her more than him. And to make it worse after I told her man he didn't care. He just said something like we're all good friends so why not. Sick man. At least my ex (still doesn't feel right to say that) did the right thing and came clean when I confronted him and he left so I could stay in the house. It's been a hard road even though it's only been a few days. Sometimes I think it's not going to be worth the struggle and others, like today, I feel a bit more positive. I'm really struggling with getting my head around her though. More than anything else why? Why do that to me. I've known her since I was 9. It's just a once off either. 5 years apparently. Happened the first time when we were all on vacation together in the Maldives.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant. When I get my head straight I might give some details if I feel up to it. And no doubt I'll need some advice on what to do going forward. I guess if anything can be learned from this it is to trust your gut.

 

 

Too much smoke there, for there to be no fire.

Sorry!

Big hugs...

 

Consult an attorney.

[Starswillshine]

Is your friend a blond?

 

I am so very sorry. I hate that you are having to go through this double betrayal, I cant even begin to imagine that level of pain. Hugs!

 

I also apologize for the people who jumped on you, made gross indications. Sometimes when we have that feeling, it is because there has been enough subtle signs that we cant even pick up on. I know it happened to me with my xWH. Sometimes, you just know.

 

Btw, did you tell your BF about the PI? Maybe this is why he was "all clean."

[elaine567]

Protect your assets.

He may be feeling all guilty now but once he has time to think he may fight you all the way so be prepared.

Make sure any joint assets cannot be cleared out by him.

[FMW]

I'm sorry OP.

 

Betrayal by a long time friend might just be harder to come to terms with than your husband cheating. He might have just been looking for extra sex and some excitement, which clearly is still so very wrong and destructive.

 

But the betrayal by a friend hits on so many other levels.

 

I hope you have family and true friends to help you during this difficult time. It's going to take a while to wrap your head around it all.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

After hearing what she had to say it became clear that this wasn't all in my mind..... I guess if anything can be learned from this it is to trust your gut.

 

I have learned a lot as a result of my wife's affair. One big one was to trust that gut instinct. If something feels "off", it is.

 

Sorry to hear about your double betrayal. In the long run you'll be better off knowing than not knowing.

[Whatnotagain]

Maybe your friends husband was involved as well. By his reaction it sounds like they may have an open marriage or some other kind of arrangement. Large majority of men would not have respond that way so there is something off about his reaction that is more than him being a "sick man". Are there any times you recall that the three of them went somewhere without you.

[Turning point]

Really sorry to hear that you were betrayed by your close friend and your husband simultaneously. That's really a tough place to be.

 

In the face of that kind of deception hold on to the reality that you were smart enough to know something was off. Your gut instinct was correct and you got to the bottom of this. Use that same strength to find the path forward that is best for you.

 

I agree that her husbands response is very unusual, and it may be their marital relationship that was toxic enough to your own to grow this insidious result. They have conspired to take something from you.

 

I think your husband is someone you should evaluate independently of these fake friends. Use this same acumen you had for finding the truth about the infidelity to sort out the truth of your marriage independent of the toxic people who inserted themselves into it.

[usa1ah]

I don't appreciate the implication that I would have cheated. In the end maybe I should have.

 

His sister proved invaluable and tracked down her friend that lived by the park. After hearing what she had to say it became clear that this wasn't all in my mind. After breaking down on my best friends shoulder she confessed it was her. So now my whole life is ruined. I've lost the two people that meant the most to me in this world. It's a hard pill to swallow. All those deep talks I had with her and she was doing this. I think I hate her more than him. And to make it worse after I told her man he didn't care. He just said something like we're all good friends so why not. Sick man. At least my ex (still doesn't feel right to say that) did the right thing and came clean when I confronted him and he left so I could stay in the house. It's been a hard road even though it's only been a few days. Sometimes I think it's not going to be worth the struggle and others, like today, I feel a bit more positive. I'm really struggling with getting my head around her though. More than anything else why? Why do that to me. I've known her since I was 9. It's just a once off either. 5 years apparently. Happened the first time when we were all on vacation together in the Maldives.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant. When I get my head straight I might give some details if I feel up to it. And no doubt I'll need some advice on what to do going forward. I guess if anything can be learned from this it is to trust your gut.

 

Rant all you want. So sorry it turned out this way. Let your family know what is going on so you have a support system.

 

Talk with a lawyer to know where you stand with divorce.

[El Duendecillo]

Then curiosity got the better of me and I confided in my best friend. She says that she’s always had a feeling but had no evidence. Now I was worried.

 

 

With friends like her, who needs enemies?!?!

 

Something doesn't add up with your former BFF.. I mean, knowing that she was in a LTA with your WH, why would tell you this??? Is it possible that she wanted to clear her conscience of the guilt? Perhaps she confessed all hoping you would leave your WH, and they can be together. My bet would be the latter.

 

Sorry for the pain and betrayal you a dealing with.

[Turning point]

Something doesn't add up with your former BFF.. I mean, knowing that she was in a LTA with your WH, why would tell you this???

 

It takes a lot of manipulation and misdirection to pull off an affair this close to home and this one has been going on for a long time. I think the reality of this level of deception will ultimately outweigh even the betrayal of the infidelity itself.

 

The reaction of the OW's husband indicates he too, was part of the deception even if by silent acquiescence. I'm not surprised to find her gaslighted by all three of them.

 

The irony is that the most honest person in the bunch turned out to be the ungrateful sister in law. I wonder if the perspective on her is skewed by the surrounding cast?

[aliveagain]

I am late to the table but the best advice I can give you is talk to a lawyer, protect yourself, get rid of all these nasty people that knew, take yourself out of infidelity. Treat him with the same respect he is showing you, let your lawyer deal with him(leave nothing on the table). Expose him, expose your ex girlfriend, get tested for all STD's. Move him out of the bedroom and the house if possible. Watch your finances, my ex cleaned out my bank account of cash when I found out. Listen to your lawyer. With your husband's why not attitude, there's nothing here to save. Read up on "The 180" and make it your new mantra, you need to distance yourself from him, the 180 will help you do that.

Edited January 18, 2019 by aliveagain

[SammySix]

You know you learn a lot about who people really are at times like this. I had a desire that I wanted to know everything. Of course I was never going to have the opportunity to get that information. But then my ex best friend contacted me and said she wanted to meet to explain and apologise. I would have told her exactly where to shove her apology but as I said I had the desire to know everything so we met. I got what I asked for and for anyone that ever finds themselves in this situation, don't find out the details, it doesn't help.

 

She would have to be the most uncaring, unsympathetic, unempathetic, perverted, piece of trash anyone could come across. Her apology was basically sorry but I wanted to. Of course she tried to wrap it up in much nicer words but that was the message. She thinks we should be able to work through this. Really she does. She is deluded.

 

I don't know what the rules here allow me to say but if I told the whole story it would shock people. I was quite clearly a naive blinded friend/wife and they took full advantage of me. Lesson learned believe me.

 

To answer some of the questions that have popped up.

 

My husband knew about the PI following him through her. So she prompted me to get the PI and then stopped their affair for that time. She's such a great best friend.

 

Husband has agreed to a divorce, not that he had a choice. We are going to sell everything and split 50/50. A fresh start sounds good. He's not taking any money from the joint accounts. He even asked if it was ok to take money out for his bond for his rental. I changed them to require two signatures for any withdrawal over $1000 anyway.

 

Her ex's reaction was just a defence mechanism I think. They are now no longer together. He kicked her out.

 

My best friend is not a blond. She wore a blond wig when she saw my husband. Pretty screwed up hey? The worst part is that she says it wasn't her but "Roxy" sleeping with my husband. Apparently that's her alter ego that's the blond. You just couldn't make this stuff up. I regret letting her back in to explain. I don't know whether she has serious mental issues or was just playing with me.

 

I have seen a lawyer. It will be pretty straight forward as we have both agreed to a 50/50 split. The only real fight was over our dogs. I couldn't imagine how much harder it would be if we had kids.

 

My parents and sister have been great but they're a long way away. My boss has been a rock. She has been through this and she's helping me where she can.

[FMW]

I'm so sorry that on top of the pain of betrayal you now have all this garbage in your head. She sounds really messed up.

 

It sounds like you are being very smart in the way you are handling things financially, that's great.

 

Take care of your emotional health as well - seek the understanding ear of a friend or family member or a counselor to work through this. It will probably be a confusing roller coaster of emotions for a while.

[40somethingGuy]

You know you learn a lot about who people really are at times like this. I had a desire that I wanted to know everything. Of course I was never going to have the opportunity to get that information. But then my ex best friend contacted me and said she wanted to meet to explain and apologise. I would have told her exactly where to shove her apology but as I said I had the desire to know everything so we met. I got what I asked for and for anyone that ever finds themselves in this situation, don't find out the details, it doesn't help.

 

She would have to be the most uncaring, unsympathetic, unempathetic, perverted, piece of trash anyone could come across. Her apology was basically sorry but I wanted to. Of course she tried to wrap it up in much nicer words but that was the message. She thinks we should be able to work through this. Really she does. She is deluded.

 

I don't know what the rules here allow me to say but if I told the whole story it would shock people. I was quite clearly a naive blinded friend/wife and they took full advantage of me. Lesson learned believe me.

 

To answer some of the questions that have popped up.

 

My husband knew about the PI following him through her. So she prompted me to get the PI and then stopped their affair for that time. She's such a great best friend.

 

Husband has agreed to a divorce, not that he had a choice. We are going to sell everything and split 50/50. A fresh start sounds good. He's not taking any money from the joint accounts. He even asked if it was ok to take money out for his bond for his rental. I changed them to require two signatures for any withdrawal over $1000 anyway.

 

Her ex's reaction was just a defence mechanism I think. They are now no longer together. He kicked her out.

 

My best friend is not a blond. She wore a blond wig when she saw my husband. Pretty screwed up hey? The worst part is that she says it wasn't her but "Roxy" sleeping with my husband. Apparently that's her alter ego that's the blond. You just couldn't make this stuff up. I regret letting her back in to explain. I don't know whether she has serious mental issues or was just playing with me.

 

I have seen a lawyer. It will be pretty straight forward as we have both agreed to a 50/50 split. The only real fight was over our dogs. I couldn't imagine how much harder it would be if we had kids.

 

My parents and sister have been great but they're a long way away. My boss has been a rock. She has been through this and she's helping me where she can.

I hope you spat in her face as you left the meeting. People are so cruel. I hope your lawyer can get you to take him to the cleaners more than you are. I feel horrible for you. Be good to yourself and realize many, many men would cherish you as someone who won't hurt them and know they won't ever hurt you. BUT, always be vigilant. Think back of the signs missed from 5 years ago and always be on alert. If you are like me, there is no way you are going to experience infidelity again. I'll never know how betrayers can look you in the eye and act totally normal. Your ex friend is evil and so is your stbx husband.

[Turning point]

I was quite clearly a naive blinded friend/wife and they took full advantage of me. Lesson learned believe me.

 

I also felt this way after learning about my ex's double life. With time however, I've come to realize that it takes a lot of courage to live with honor and integrity. It's called commitment for a reason - and those two will never know what it's like to have that kind of personal strength.

 

You have been and will continue to be the full measure of that person with qualities neither of them will ever own. You're not really naive or blind in this story. You have the greater story. You own the greater potential and the ability to be a person worthy of more than they could ever muster.

[Cullenbohannon]

As a recently betrothed, my wife has changed my name to "my Husband. She loves to say the word, "husband". I dont know what you would call that creature you have been living with.

 

I really thought I heard of everything. Convincing you to hire a PI, consciencely fake being a model husband and freind, attempting to deceive you so badly that members of this forum thought he was innocent, is really dirty.

 

What you need is the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Erase this guy and your freind too. If you have the strength in you to erase every moment, every memory and just start over with zero, it would be better than spending another emotional second on either of them. No MC. No IC. Just use the lawyers and push delete.

Edited January 22, 2019 by Cullenbohannon

[Turning point]

I really thought I heard of everything. Convincing you to hire a PI, consciencely fake being a model husband and freind, attempting to deceive you so badly that members of this forum thought he was innocent, is really dirty.

 

I agree, but this is about THEIR dysfunction, their deceit. They are the emotional equivalent of Bernie Madoff. Their is nothing about her mind that need be erased.

 

This may sound simplistic, but in hindsight the key to healing is not to get lost in the processing or erasure of the self regarding how this happened. It is like getting off the train at the wrong stop - you are here and not where you want to be. The only thing that will solve the problem is deliberate action to move on.

 

Get help from IC so you can plot a new map, start a new journey.

[Turning point]

.. anyone that ever finds themselves in this situation, don't find out the details, it doesn't help.

 

She thinks we should be able to work through this. Really she does. She is deluded.

 

My husband knew about the PI following him through her. So she prompted me to get the PI and then stopped their affair for that time. She's such a great best friend.

 

I agree that sexual details of the affair don't help, but I think knowledge of the level of deceit and conspiracy do.

 

I'm a firm believer reconciliation is possible in some cases and the determinate factor is typically how long and how far out of the way did someone go to deceive you? The whole PI setup is incredible - that's right up there with 'the grassy knoll.'

 

Knowing the detail of people's character is going to save you a lot of the time many of us wasted on misdirection and hope.

[SammySix]

I really think I've made a huge mistake. I'm so confused. I keep making up my mind and then changing, then changing back. I just wanted to walk away from it all and start again but circumstance has dragged me back in. I don't know whether I'm being the bigger person or just being walked all over.

 

What's happened is that my best friends husband snapped. He's in jail now. He beat her so badly she was in an induced coma. I couldn't help myself. I rushed to the hospital and stayed at her bedside. I don't want her dead. She didn't deserve this. She's going to be ok but the thought of losing her rocked me. Now I'm stuck between hating her for what she did to me and just wanting to hold he because I want my best friend back and right now she needs me. I sound pathetic. Even typing this I realize it. I just can't stop it.

 

I know this is not really related to the infidelity so if it needs to be moved to another area can someone do that?

 

I'm not really wanting any advice, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends and family that don't know that I'm caring for the person who destroyed my marriage. The ones that already know pretty much all think I'm a fool. A couple say they understand as her and I were so close.

 

I guess life wasn't meant to be easy. And when you're a sucker like me well it just makes it all the more harder. Feeling pretty lousy about that.

[JuneL]

(((Hug)))

Who told her husband? Where are her parents and siblings? I think you can be humane to her, but still divorce your husband and break up with this female friend once she’s healed.

 

I really think I've made a huge mistake. I'm so confused. I keep making up my mind and then changing, then changing back. I just wanted to walk away from it all and start again but circumstance has dragged me back in. I don't know whether I'm being the bigger person or just being walked all over.

 

What's happened is that my best friends husband snapped. He's in jail now. He beat her so badly she was in an induced coma. I couldn't help myself. I rushed to the hospital and stayed at her bedside. I don't want her dead. She didn't deserve this. She's going to be ok but the thought of losing her rocked me. Now I'm stuck between hating her for what she did to me and just wanting to hold he because I want my best friend back and right now she needs me. I sound pathetic. Even typing this I realize it. I just can't stop it.

 

I know this is not really related to the infidelity so if it needs to be moved to another area can someone do that?

 

I'm not really wanting any advice, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends and family that don't know that I'm caring for the person who destroyed my marriage. The ones that already know pretty much all think I'm a fool. A couple say they understand as her and I were so close.

 

I guess life wasn't meant to be easy. And when you're a sucker like me well it just makes it all the more harder. Feeling pretty lousy about that.

[FMW]

You don't have to hate her (or your husband), and it's not unusual that your love for her as a friend still exists in some way.

 

But I would caution you to never let her back into your life again. She betrayed you, willfully and actively ongoing.

 

Wish her well, but keep her out of your life.

[BaileyB]

If anything, this latest incident should confirm the fact that the whole situation is toxic and you need to leave the whole thing behind you... divorce your husband, end your relationship with your friend, and focus on your own health and well-being.