Author SammySix Posted January 5, 2019 Author Share Posted January 5, 2019 Just to add to that last post. When he was being followed he would have been at the dog park. Neither PI saw anything. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 You know cheaters lie, right? Demand he take a polygraph - that way you know what’s real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 People don’t just randomly say that someone is cheating if there isn’t something to it. There are many ways how this could be true even if current evidence is lacking. Perhaps it happened in the past and is not currently happening. Perhaps the OW lives out of town. Perhaps your husband is smart and has a burner phone just for this purpose. His sister gave too much detail to just make it all up on the spot. Is she known to be a compulsive liar? I wouldn’t let this go. You need to have a very serious and in depth conversation with your husband. It’s also concerning that he hasn’t initiated it if innocent. Sounds like he has briefly denied it and moved on. Who is the blonde woman? Could his have sister been mistaken? Is he explicitly saying that his sister is making all of this up, the blonde woman doesn’t exist etc etc.? Yes they will, I have seen it myself. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Cheaters are human and humans are very clever. Ignore the phone and the fb page, if he is not stupid he will have a burner phone and there are secret apps designed to aid cheating. Look around your home, one woman eventually found his burner phone in the garage, she was convinced he wasn't cheating... she was wrong. Any chance your husband knew that you had hired a PI? If he did he may have taken it all underground to put you off the scent. If he is into IT in any way, he may be monitoring your every move and acting accordingly. One cheater on here had a cheating "kit" hidden away, burner phone, spare laptop, spare wallet with secret credit cards, change of clothes, etc. all stuff he may need to keep his cheating secret and undiscovered by his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 When you need to ask the question one usually already has the answer. Disagree. Some people are paranoid, anxious and distrustful, often times because someone they once did trust screwed them over big time and they generalize that behavior to other people they get involved with. My girlfriend is a classic example. I recall one of several incidents- this one was a year ago after I took my office staff to a Christmas dinner. The GPS signal drifted a bit and showed my location as a couple of blocks south of the restaurant for an hour or so. I was angrily confronted when I got home about where I was and who I was with when I left the restaurant. I told her I left the restaurant, came right home. I was annoyed but I get that she's got issues. I'm innocent of any cheating in the relationship and she has no reason to think I'd ever do such a thing but she just can't help it because it happened to her in a previous relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 You know if the gender of the thread start was reversed you would be telling him how he should trust his wife. Sammysix I would be the first to say dig deeper if the PI’s you hired found anything suspicious. You went straight to having your husband followed and they found nothing. Any one can make up a story. When I was in the service a female service member had a male service member in her room, both drunk and half dressed when caught. I took her statement that Friday night, she was crying because she knew her husband back in the states was going to leave her when he found out. By Monday morning her story changed to she was raped. Just so there was s not confusion Friday night her story was that the guy and her had this planned out and didn’t think they would be caught. The only reason they were was because their drunk Sargent was looking for them and he lead us to the pair. The story is just a example of what people will do or say in a given situation. The guy that tried to hook up with you. He couldn’t do it by his charm so why not by saying you should because your husband already is. His sister just got called out so why not accuse the accuser. She could have known that your husband was at the dog walk at times with out you. How convenient that the witness can no longer be found and talked with. Yes some people think that quickly on their feet. I really don’t think your husband is cheating. If you read my other post you will see I rarely take this stance. If he was trying to hide stuff I would be saying that you have a reason to think that he was. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 There’s too much to wonder about. A polygraph should sort it out. Ask him if he’s ever cheated on you since you’ve been together or married. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 You KNOW polygraphs don't actually work, all they do is scare people into confessing. They're not real. We have an OP who has become paranoid over very little evidence, and a marriage which is struggling based on fear rather than reality. She needs to TALK to her husband. If she goes in like "You're definitely cheating and I know it!!! Polygraph or nothing!!" then the marriage is already over and she may as well just divorce him now, innocent or not. If she sits there continuing to hide her fears, this marriage will fall apart messily in the near future, because it will eventually become obvious to him that the love has been broken and that she is keeping secrets. He might even start to think that SHE'S cheating because she's being withdrawn and secretive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SammySix Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 Thank you everyone for all the help. I don't like the idea of a polygraph test. I doubt the accuracy of them myself so regardless of what the results showed I couldn't be confident of their validity. And that's if it even got that far. Asking him to take one would not just be saying that I think you might have cheated but also says I'm not going to believe any answer you give. I do need to get this sorted. It's not fair to either of us continuing with this doubt. As has been suggested I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, sit him down and open up to him. I really don't know how he will take it. Any suggestions for the best was to start a conversation like this? Every way I imagine in my head just comes out all awkward and wrong like I am accusing him rather than just discussing with an open mind and no preconceived judgements. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Wow, this is a tough situation. I can certainly see why you have doubts. I think your husband cheated on you at some point. I wouldn't be able to just brush aside the words of 3 people as if they all have some evil vendetta. The first guy was obviously a jerk, but not neccesarily lying. I say that because this very scenario happened to someone I know and it turned out that the jilted guy was actually telling the truth. Does the guy who hit on you know your husband or has he socialized with him? Is there any way he could know anything about your husband? Your bestfriend maybe knows more than she is letting on. Like maybe she saw your husband hitting on someone or maybe he even hit on her, but she doesn't want to be the one to set that bomb off in your marriage so she says it's just a feeling. Perhaps you should talk to her again and let her know that you are desperate for any information she may have. Lastly your sister in law. She could have just been lying as a means of lashing out at her brother but even when she called you to apologize she stuck by what she said and even provided more information. Is she normally a lying vindictive monster? If she hasn't ever made up lies for the sake of causing drama before then I would be very concerned about what she said. My feeling is that something happened at some point. Your husband cheated on you but it might have ended a long time ago and now there is no obvious evidence. Your choices are either just put it to rest until more evidence falls into your lap or go digging into the history of your marriage. Look at old phone records, bank statements, and credit card spending. However doing the latter could just turn into an obsession so I would recommend just letting it drop for now. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Is there anything new that you haven’t asked? If not It will be because you haven’t believed his previous answers. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 I know and agree that you need to talk this out with your husband. Know before hand what you need from him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 First rule in the cheater's handbook Deny deny deny. That is why it is often best to let the commotion die down but keep your eyes and ears open as during times of suspicion he will take the whole affair underground. He will however in time relax and get sloppy, so at that point you may be lucky to find real evidence. Once you have hard evidence you can confront, but even then you may only find denial and gaslighting... but at that point the only person you need to convince is yourself and with hard evidence it is then easy. If you are going to go in with no evidence, he may think all his Xmases have come at once... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SammySix Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 I rang my sister-in-law today and it was a hard conversation. She is a known liar as people have asked but I just needed to hear what she had to say. She basically abused me for the whole time telling how blind I am for not being able to see what's under my nose. I kept asking for a name or more information but she wouldn't give anything up other than telling me to open my eyes and look close to home. I don't know if she's giving me good advice or stirring the pot. I also rang my best friend and she told me that she knows nothing but I need to go with my gut on this one. That's not helpful. I feel like she might know more but she assures me she doesn't. I begged her to tell my and don't worry about my feelings but she said she couldn't add anything. I'm going to sit down with him later tonight and basically just say I'm worried about what his sister said and ask for his help to alleviate my fears. I don't know what will happen after that, I don't think it's something I can plan for. I'm scared he's going to tell me that it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Sounds like she's full of BS. How about this.. tell him to call his sister -immediately- with you listening but her not knowing and have him confront her about the accusations to the effect of WTF are you talking about, do you really believe I was cheating.. etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Whatnotagain Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Your sister-in-law doesn't sound like a very reliable source. She comes off as vindictive and is toxic to your relationship with your husband and marriage. She is someone that needs to be out of your life. She may be family, but she is not a friend of your marriage. What is your friends own relationship with her boyfriend or husband like? Is it healthy or does she have problems of her own. People who themselves are not in good relationships will often project negativity into the relationships of others around them. Especially when they have recently gone through a breakup or divorce. I'm sure you have heard the old saying that misery loves company. Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 I have to say, I withdraw my previous recommendations about getting a PI involved again. You SIL has the ability to blow up her brother's life/marriage and is not taking advantage of it. Unless your husband has really really bad dirt on her, she's lying. Maybe you should start with that conversation. Ask about everything he knows about her actions. Did you ever tell your husband that you were hit on? If you didn't and you bring this up, it makes you look dishonest. That's something to keep in mind. Again, I would discount what your friend said since you told her that someone told you he was cheating before she said she suspected it. You planted a seed in her mind. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Is your friend a blond? You SIL said look close to home. Neighbors, family, friends blondes etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Why do you believe the words of a known lier? Has your friend been cheated on in the past? You hired two detectives that found nothing. You have the problem with trusting your husband. His actions have nothing to do with your mistrust. Have you ever cheated on your husband? Even while dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 (edited) It's also possible he and the blond had already broken up by the time you had the PI follow him. Edited January 9, 2019 by Mrs._December 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SammySix Posted January 10, 2019 Author Share Posted January 10, 2019 Well talking to him didn't work out how I had hoped. I asked him if he had ever cheated and he said "you know I love you". Wrong answer. He followed it up with "of course not" but to me that no should have been the first thing out of his mouth. Maybe I'm being paranoid but where I wasn't sure before now I am convinced something either is or has happened. If something happened and he came clean maybe, just maybe we could work on it. Right now as much as it pains me I can't see solution. If he is telling the truth then that's just a burden I'll have to bear but I can't go on like this. He begged me to see a counselor together. I told him to organise it and I'll go. I wont hold by breath, there will be some excuse. He's moved to the spare bedroom and now his Facebook is logged out and his phone has a lock on it. I'm really struggling with the thought that all this might just be in my head and I'm ruining a marriage for nothing but equally the thought of staying and being played even more makes my stomach churn. I'm going to delve deeper now. I'm going to get back in contact with the guy that made move on me and I'll sit down with my best friend and sister in law and beg them for anything they know, not to spare my feelings. I'm scared of the answers but I guess it's better to know. Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Hello Sammy, I am sorry you got that initial non-answer answer from your husband. Yes I agree with you that it seemed evasive or an attempt to deflect. Maybe you will need to challenge him to make great effort to help you figure out that all these comments by others have been nothing more than nonsense offered by people who have unknown but malicious motives. Toward the end of my first marriage I was getting the inking that my wife was running around but I was not able to get my mind together enough to look into it. I was young, naive, in love (I thought) and felt like a zombie much of the time because of the way I was treated when she was at home. When the time finally came that we decided a divorce was the only choice for us, I recall saying as one final gasp of effort to get it to work out: “you know I have always loved you no matter what has happened, and I want you to know that I have never cheated on you”. All I got in return was “I have never done anything wrong”. At that moment I had immediate understanding and clarity of thought and I knew it was over. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 I believe you just ruined your marriage for nothing. Sorry, you have no proof of anything. Even with the investigation twice. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 Your going to cheat on your husband now? With the guy that tried already. Wow wasn’t expecting that. He is a cheater and player and your are going to take his word that your husband cheated on you. If so, you deserve what ever happens. Your husband deserves better from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 Your going to cheat on your husband now? With the guy that tried already. She's going to ask the dude what he knows; not hook up with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts