Is my son’s coach flirting? Or is it my imagination?

[Wallysbears]

So knowing how much it hurts that your husband has been cheating on YOU, you are willing to put another woman through that kind of pain?

[edith]

What a rollercoaster at the soccer camp today!

 

I got there at the same time as the coach - with his wife and all kids in tow. We both say hi to each other, I’m hanging out at the lobby and so is he. I try not to look at him, since his wife is there. I go inside the court. Ten seconds later, he follows - alone. He says hi to me with a big smile and we exchange a few words. I go back to the lobby and he follows me. I’m happy about this because I look fantastic, if I do say so myself!

 

Then I make conversation with his wife - his eyes get big. He doesn’t join. All of us go back to the court and all of a sudden, a few minutes after camp had started, all of them leave!! I felt so deflated. His wife had mentioned in a text he wanted to stay and watch “for a bit”, so I’m thinking that’s what she meant.

 

Until he walks in... choosing a door right beside me, instead of the door he had used before. He’s ALONE. He smiles and says hi again, and leans on the same post I’m leaning against. We say nothing to each other. I sit on the floor (only place to sit!), he sits a few feet away. I’m thinking this is odd - were the only parents who know each other there, why isn’t he sitting with me. So I’m deflated again !

 

Then he takes a phone call and goes outside. He comes back through the same door right beside me, and while sitting down, I ask him if the coaching he’s watching is helping him. He stops and kneels down next to me.

 

For the next 2 hours and 45 minutes, that’s where he stays - we talked, laughed, watched our kids playing, he was lavishing compliments on my son’s playing skills, and I was having a great time. At one point, I asked him “Are you staying the whole time?”. He said yes and then said, sort of anxiously, “Are you??”. I said yes.

 

Such a great time I didn’t notice my water had spilled on the floor! I left to get paper towels, at this point he was talking to one of the coaches. I come back, wipe it off the floor and he asks me what happened. Then he says he’ll take care of it - it’s still wet -, and walks to the men’s room to get more paper towels, and I follow him because my coat also got some. He goes back, wipes off the spot, and I’m embarrassed because - why is he doing this?? Then I say I’ll throw the paper towels out and he says “Don’t worry about it, I got it”. I say thank you and try not to notice that as we’re bending over at the same time, we were super close.

 

Then it all changed. He stood up. Then he looked through the glass door and said “There’s my wife, she was supposed to bring me a coffee!”. I said hi to her. He immediately moved away from me and was talking to her. He did try to involve me in a conversation with her, which I did a little. I was having a hard time processing his body language being completely different, and I only caught him quickly staring at me once. Then I said goodbye to them and left.

 

I spent the drive home wondering if all of this means he’s interested. I’m trying so hard to convince myself that I don’t want this, but today has made it very difficult. I’m still feeling deflated by how he changed when his wife showed up, but I guess that’s expected. I really want to know if I’m reading him correctly.

 

Any insights? (Not about not doing this, but about his interest.)

Edited December 27, 2018 by edith

[elaine567]

I’m still feeling deflated by how he changed when his wife showed up...

 

 

That is how it works as an OW.

You will spend many nights feeling deflated alone, whilst he entertains his wife...

[edith]

I know, that was a horrible feeling. But is he acting as someone who’s interested in that? I notice a difference in how he treats me, but always talk myself out of believing that what he’s doing is because of sexual interest. My gut tells me one thing, my head another.

[brigit87]

On Sunday, I texted him directly (instead of the group text) to confirm we have two practices this week. He replied twice, since it took me a while to write back. His language stopped me in my tracks and I was unsure of how to proceed. It sounded a lot like flirting to me, so I didn’t reply right away.

 

He wrote “Yes, two regular practices this week. Then we don’t see each other until 1/3. Tell John (my son) he played great today!” The fact he wrote “see each other” caught my attention. He immediately texted the group of parents to confirm the practices and wrote “After that, we won’t have practice until 1/3.”. Hmm... I thought.

 

 

IDK. If he was flirting it was so low level that I wouldn't be too concerned. It wouldn't stop me in my tracks.

[preraph]

He's got his wife there for a reason.

[brigit87]

Until he walks in... choosing a door right beside me, instead of the door he had used before. He’s ALONE. He smiles and says hi again, and leans on the same post I’m leaning against. We say nothing to each other. I sit on the floor (only place to sit!), he sits a few feet away. I’m thinking this is odd - were the only parents who know each other there, why isn’t he sitting with me. So I’m deflated again !

 

Then he takes a phone call and goes outside. He comes back through the same door right beside me, and while sitting down, I ask him if the coaching he’s watching is helping him. He stops and kneels down next to me.

 

For the next 2 hours and 45 minutes, that’s where he stays - we talked, laughed, watched our kids playing, he was lavishing compliments on my son’s playing skills, and I was having a great time. At one point, I asked him “Are you staying the whole time?”. He said yes and then said, sort of anxiously, “Are you??”. I said yes.

 

 

Then it all changed. He stood up. Then he looked through the glass door and said “There’s my wife, she was supposed to bring me a coffee!”. I said hi to her. He immediately moved away from me and was talking to her. He did try to involve me in a conversation with her, which I did a little. I was having a hard time processing his body language being completely different, and I only caught him quickly staring at me once. Then I said goodbye to them and left.

 

 

OK. He seems a little smooth and a bit flirtatious in a very general way. These kind of dudes like flirting with women because they like attention. But he lost interest quickly when his wife walked in. If you're attracted to him then you need to keep a distance because he doesn't want anything from you except a little bit of attention and not much else.

[elaine567]

Difficult to say as public service people are often difficult to gauge.

Is he being friendly because he is interested in having an affair or is he just doing his job?

Also enthusiasts and I guess he is a soccer enthusiast, tend to rabbit on to anyone who shows any interest and if your son is his star pupil he will want to make doubly sure your son will keep coming to his coaching sessions, so keeping his mother happy makes sense.

I would not put any money on it yet, but I would say he is probably interested, but if he is just doing his job then it could get awkward and embarrassing for you.

Wait and see.

[elaine567]

He's got his wife there for a reason.

 

 

That was my first thought too.

[olivetree]

So let's say you land this guy, then what?

You go from one cheating man to another.

On and become a cheater yourself.

Sounds like a great life.

[edith]

That was my first thought too.

 

That’s what I thought too! And why I was deflated. She stayed for 5 minutes at the beginning, and got there 10 minutes before the end, and it was a 3-hour camp.

 

Then he explained it to me - he said “My wife only had to come because I didn’t want to drive these back roads, she knows them all”. I hadn’t asked, and can’t remember how we got on that subject, but I didn’t comment on it and we got on something else. It is true that she only stayed for a few minutes, so he could be telling the truth. What stuck out to me was that he volunteered that information without it being part of our conversation. So her being there doesn’t bother me.

 

I think it’s too soon to know if he’d act on it or not. I wanted to know if he’s going to stay and watch the other 3 hours tomorrow, but decided against it. I think I was subdued enough that he can’t tell for sure if I’m interested or not, and I was pleasant as well. What I really need is to stop thinking about him.

[brigit87]

So let's say you land this guy, then what?

You go from one cheating man to another.

On and become a cheater yourself.

Sounds like a great life.

 

True enough. Even if he's interested what's the point? Helping a soccer coach cheat on his nice wife who drives him and brings him coffee...

 

Yuck.

[edith]

Another thing I remembered - when we were sitting together, at one point we were just watching the boys, he got another call and left. When he came back, he sat down next to me again and said “I’m sorry.... Work keeps calling me”. I thought that was cute, since there was nothing for him to apologize for. I’ve spent the whole day gathering clues and it seems to be all I want to do.

[Cersei]

I just don't see what you seem to be seeing.

I don't really see this behavior as flirtatious.

I think you are reading way more into this.

 

Do your kid and husband a favor and forget this guy.

[brigit87]

I just don't see what you seem to be seeing.

I don't really see this behavior as flirtatious.

I think you are reading way more into this.

 

Do your kid and husband a favor and forget this guy.

 

Who knows if he's being flirtatious or polite? If anything it's very minor flirting. It doesn't sound like much of anything nor does it sound interesting enough to think about. It sounds more like a boring day chatting with a kids coach about soccer stuff and not much else.

[doyathinkso]

“My wife only had to come because I didn’t want to drive these back roads, she knows them all”.

 

 

Oh poor baby. He's too scaredy-waredy to drive the back roads all by his widdle self.

 

He sounds like a rreeeeaaallll man!

 

You've got yourself a real winner to cheat with there lady.

 

Good luck with that. Not.

[Ishy]

It sounds like you are over thinking things and reading into things too much. Are you getting enough sleep ?

[edith]

That’s right, guys... He’s not interested in me at all... ?

 

I got there a little early today. I wait in the lobby while my son goes straight to the court. Then the coach comes through the door... Alone ? No wife in sight, only his son. He greets me with a big smile on his face and we start talking. He then says “I’m going to have to cut out for an hour... maybe an hour and a half. I’m going to the next town over.” I then say “I might leave for a bit too, I wanted to go get some coffee”. He immediately asks “Where do you get coffee from?” I reply Starbucks, he says “I don’t know where they have a Starbucks there, but I’m happy to get you a coffee and bring it back here to you. You don’t need to go out in the rain.” ???

 

I immediately accept and say that would be great! Then another mom comes in. We start chatting so coach goes to the court door to watch the kids. He waits until the other mom leaves, then asks me how I take my coffee. I try to give him money and he says “No way! I got it. Don’t worry about it. I’ll bring you some hot coffee. Black, right?” I say yes, thank him and go put my money back.

 

As he’s leaving, he again tells me when he’ll be back. I go to sit and watch the camp.

 

About an hour and 15 minutes later, he walks in. I motion him over to where I am - we had stands to use today - he hands me the coffee and I say “Wow, thank you! You’re the best!” I also tell him I’ve saved him a seat, so he sits right next to me. Our legs don’t touch but I wish they would!

 

We spent the next hour and a half talking about everything under the sun - life, work, kids, his struggles as a coach, how he reacts to things, high school, etc. etc. One thing that stood out was when I was mentioning that I hadn’t realized how long a drive it was to the camp when I shared it with the group. He said “It’s been great!”. Then he paused and looked straight into my eyes. He said “It’s been worth every penny.” First I swooned, then I smiled and said “I agree...”

 

Towards the end, a couple whose son was with our group arrives. They’re friends from town, but much closer with the coach’s family than with mine. I immediately noticed the coach moving 2 inches or so away from me in his seat... then I saw the couple had walked in and was on the other side of the court!! I hadn’t even thought of what people might think seeing us sitting alone, together. But clearly, the coach was on it.

 

There were more furtive glances from the coach to me, complimenting my son and none of the other boys, talking only to me, etc.. Then at the end I said goodbye to him and the couple and walked to the other side of the court where my son continued to attempt goals. I wait, then I see the couple leaving and the coach and his son walking towards us to play with my son. They play together for a while, while I “coach” them ? Then the coach says goodbye with a huge smile and we part ways.

 

My son continues to play, we were in there for a while... We finally walk outside and I see the coach’s car in the parking lot, still!! I walk towards my car, which is somewhat close to his, see him pull out of the spot then stop. I look over, and the coach is waving at me. I wave back... He was obviously waiting for us to come out and I was pretty much walking on air by this point.

 

So, I don’t know if this is going anywhere, but at this point I don’t care. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve felt this happy. I know it won’t last, but I’m not walking away from it. Not now.

[healing light]

I bet the farthest this guy is going to go assuming he has any sort of feelings is to fantasize about you...while he gets it on with his wife.

 

If that.

 

When someone obsesses this much over the smallest details, it makes me think there is something else going on. Are you trying to distract yourself from your life?

[healing light]

I think you would be much happier to get rid of your cheating husband and find a real man who is available that takes you on actual dates. Not someone who buys you coffee and cleans up spills while keeping an eye out for his wife.

[Ishy]

I'm not sure what this is. Just sounds to be you're hurt you've been cheated on. And if you're cheated on you want to be feel worthy enough to be the one a guy cheats another women with. ???

[brigit87]

That’s right, guys... He’s not interested in me at all...

 

<snip>.

 

...OK?

 

He sounds nice. Friendly. Maybe he thinks your pretty or cute or funny or not repulsive.

 

IMHO if he pulls you aside looks into your eyes and says "Look I know your married but I can't stop thinking about you" then you know he's interested. I've had men put together book clubs to get to know me and then confess their feelings. That's what it is when a guy likes you. They keep inserting themselves into your life. They find ways to get your attention and spend uninterrupted time with you and they start confessing things or hand you their journal to read. That's how I knew when a guy likes me. What your describing is much ado about nothing.

 

Get divorced. Take some pictures and post online. Then you'll get the attention you seek.

 

So to answer your question "It's your imagination. He's not that into you."

Edited January 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[smackie9]

He's doing what you are doing...riding the emotional train. He's getting his jollies out of it, but it's doubtful he's going to get physical about it...he's not going to leave his wife. If you are enjoying the dopamine, I guess there is no harm in that. Just keep your head in check. And yes everyone sees it and one of those mom's are going to mention it to his wife. S%^$ is gonna hit the fan.

[Malin889]

Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself. He’s MARRIED.

[edith]

I respectfully disagree.

 

And just for the record, I could care less if he’s married. This is not about falling in love and having kids. It’s about sex. Pure and simple.

 

I disagree that he won’t try to follow through. He would have discouraged the flirting until now if that were the case. I do agree he’s enjoying it - because our interest has only been platonic for 6+ years, and this is the first time we’ve had enough contact for the flirting to escalate. It must be different for someone just reading a narrative, but I recognize his tone and looks and reactions when we are face to face. His physical interest has been clear for years - I am an attractive woman - , but the question here is whether or not he will turn it into more. I am not the kind of woman to chase a man - that’s for ugly women. Our interactions have only just started - and escalated - since basketball season started. We are both married people in a small community. It would be social suicide to come out of the blue “confessing feelings” for another parent! That’s for single, unattached and low-level people.

 

The married-but-cheating game is much more subtle and involved. We need to feel each other our first. I haven’t done anything that makes him sure of my interest. We’re both walking on eggshells and that’s what makes it exciting, in my opinion. So I guess some posters could be right.... But I highly doubt it.