My mom treats me like an ATM

[amaysngrace]

I'm actually seeing a low cost trauma therapist. We're covering the dad stuff first but I think it's time I bring up the mom stuff.

 

That’s very good to hear. You’re gonna be okay because you seem determined to get out of this hole that you’re in through no fault of your own.

 

I wish you well too.

[Wallysbears]

Just want to commend you for doing what appears to be a lot of hard work to turn things around for yourself. I do hope you'll keep it up and that things get better soon!

[SweetCharity]

Thank you all for the kind responses. I was wondering if I was overreacting but I now know I wasn't. I'm going to band together with my sisters and together we'll see what we can do. I just hope I can get through Christmas. I thought I was going to save it this year. ?

[amaysngrace]

Thank you all for the kind responses. I was wondering if I was overreacting but I now know I wasn't. I'm going to band together with my sisters and together we'll see what we can do. I just hope I can get through Christmas. I thought I was going to save it this year. ?

 

Better out than in honey. That’s my motto...after much therapy. lol

[Mr. Lucky]

Lol, I meant that I was living alone in Orlando with a drinking problem, barely any money and suicidal thoughts. I reached out to my mom for help and she allowed me to come back home. It saved my life.

 

Kudos for turning things around. However, taking Mom's assistance, including a place to live, is a package deal - it comes with Mom attached. And since you knew full well what she was like, it's disingenuous to complain about her now. She is who she is. It's a little like moving in with a working musician and then complaining about the practice noise.

 

The biggest problem is she's always guilt tripping me about how I spend my money and how much I give her. I give her $200 the second to last week of the month and another $200 the last week of the month. I get paid weekly so depending on my budget I'll give her $50 - $100 in between. So that's about $500-$700 a month on terms of living expenses.

 

This arrangement is vague and open to interpretation by both of you. Agree on a monthly terms, amount and date due, and stick to that each month...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SweetCharity]

Kudos for turning things around. However, taking Mom's assistance, including a place to live, is a package deal - it comes with Mom attached. And since you knew full well what she was like, it's disingenuous to complain about her now. She is who she is. It's a little like moving in with a working musician and then complaining about the practice noise.

 

 

 

This arrangement is vague and open to interpretation by both of you. Agree on a monthly terms, amount and date due, and stick to that each month...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

First of all, my mother did not give me a choice in moving in with her. It was not a "deal." I was in a bad relationship and my family moved me back in with her intervention style. Second of all the "arrangement" is not vague. I give her $400 for rent and whatever I can in between. I talked about how LATELY she's been acting like I'm being stingy with my money with her. Third of all, just because I "know what she's like" doesn't mean I can't "complain" which by the way is a gross condescending oversimplification.

Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Art_Critic]

How strong is your sobriety ?.. I smell stinking thinking...

 

Do you have a sponsor ?

We Alcoholics have a tendency to be greatly self centered when we are not following our program and sometimes even when we are...

 

Congrats on your sobriety...

[carhill]

Thoughts?

Presuming this isn't a short-term, like a few weeks, thing, I'd schedule out a budget so everything's in writing and notify the landlord that you're residing on the premises. That's no big deal, tenants did it with me all the time. As long as occupancy didn't exceed the health and safety code for the domicile, tenants could have family come and go as they pleased.

 

It sounds like you've got a long and varied history with your mother so IMO keep it simple, clear, and stick to your guns. If you don't have the money, simply state that, but work to keep to the reasonable budget that is laid out in writing.

 

Holidays can be stressful. I always thought, erroneously I guess because of my small, tight, family, that they were fun times but getting around more taught lessons on that, especially being married. Oh, my. Anyway, it'll work out. Glad your mom is there. Mine's gone now, lots of good memories but can never hug her again.

[Mrschaney]

Youre buried in debt, have multiple problems, cant afford your own place or a divorce but you got braces?

[Mr. Lucky]

Second of all the "arrangement" is not vague.

 

I give her...whatever I can in between.

 

Whatever you say...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SweetCharity]

Youre buried in debt, have multiple problems, cant afford your own place or a divorce but you got braces?

 

Yes. At the time I thought they were within budget. Shall I go back and get them taken off to get a refund? You have anything else you'd like to say that I didn't already think of myself? Because last time I checked, this has nothing to do with what my mom is doing, which is the actual topic.

[d0nnivain]

SweetCharity said:

First of all, my mother did not give me a choice in moving in with her. It was not a "deal." I was in a bad relationship and my family moved me back in with her intervention style. Second of all the "arrangement" is not vague. I give her $400 for rent and whatever I can in between. I talked about how LATELY she's been acting like I'm being stingy with my money with her. Third of all, just because I "know what she's like" doesn't mean I can't "complain" which by the way is a gross condescending oversimplification.

As annoying as your present living situation may be, it sounds like you got there because your family loves you & wanted you out of a worse situation. So since we have a positive base, the rest can be discussed but it does all come back to budget for you & mom.

If mom wants to go on disability because she can't get around, she may need a lawyer. Disability lawyers generally don't cost money up front; they get paid when you win. At minimum your family should look through the requirements on www.SSA.gov. She will need a doctor to complete her paperwork & give a diagnosis.

Meanwhile do a serious hard look at the numbers: what is coming in for both of you; what the expenses are; where you can cut & who can perhaps take on more. I think you said your little sister is 12. Perhaps she can babysit in the afternoons or something.

Hang in there.

Edited April 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed formatting

[SweetCharity]

Whatever you say...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Whatever you say. You don't know my life or me or what I've been through yet you act like you know everything.

You tell me I'm complaining about my mom but oh well I know what that's like. SHE'S DOING THIS TO ALL OF US. Even my sister who lives in Seattle.

Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SweetCharity]

d0nnivain said:

As annoying as your present living situation may be, it sounds like you got there because your family loves you & wanted you out of a worse situation. So since we have a positive base, the rest can be discussed but it does all come back to budget for you & mom.

If mom wants to go on disability because she can't get around, she may need a lawyer. Disability lawyers generally don't cost money up front; they get paid when you win. At minimum your family should look through the requirements on www.SSA.gov. She will need a doctor to complete her paperwork & give a diagnosis.

Meanwhile do a serious hard look at the numbers: what is coming in for both of you; what the expenses are; where you can cut & who can perhaps take on more. I think you said your little sister is 12. Perhaps she can babysit in the afternoons or something. Hang in there.

 

Thanks. I was just frustrated and wrote this topic in the moment. Now alot of people are coming in saying and being rude and it's all a bit too much.

Edited April 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed formatting

[d0nnivain]

Thanks. I was just frustrated and wrote this topic in the moment. Now alot of people are coming in saying and being rude and it's all a bit too much.

 

 

It's an internet message board. In terms of keeping the snark at bay the mods around here maintain more order then on other platforms. People can rub each other the wrong way. Many people complain that I'm often too blunt. Here is as good a place as any to complain anonymously. Take it all with a grain of salt but do use LS as a place to sort your own feelings. Based upon some of the feedback you have gotten -- even the unwelcome messages -- and your responses, I think you may have seen how deeply your love for family runs. So take that positive reaction & use it to move forward with mom in a way that makes sense for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

You tell me I'm complaining about my mom but oh well I know what that's like. SHE'S DOING THIS TO ALL OF US. Even my sister who lives in Seattle.

 

No, I'm telling you you might think about a greater sense of gratitude and humility towards the people who've tried to help you, Mom included. Alone and isolated in Orlando, was there a long line of people willing to take you in?

 

Take some of that anger and focus it on continuing to improve your situation. I [] hope your life continues in a positive direction...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited December 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[SweetCharity]

Based upon some of the feedback you have gotten -- even the unwelcome messages -- and your responses, I think you may have seen how deeply your love for family runs. So take that positive reaction & use it to move forward with mom in a way that makes sense for you.

 

That's very true. I love my family very much. I'm just trying to find balance.

[SweetCharity]

No, I'm telling you you might think about a greater sense of gratitude and humility towards the people who've tried to help you, Mom included. Alone and isolated in Orlando, was there a long line of people willing to take you in?

 

Take some of that anger and focus it on continuing to improve your situation. I [] hope your life continues in a positive direction...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That right there. You assume I'm not grateful towards my mother. People on this thread were starting to vilify her but I stepped in to defend her. The Orlando thing was 3 years ago. I'm sorry I wasn't clear on the timeline but this is now. It's painful to talk about but I brought it up to show people that she's not all bad. That doesn't mean I owe her for the rest of my life or can just hand her money whenever she wants without giving me proper notice. I have no problem paying all the bills as long as she doesn't spring it on me last minute. That was my point. There's no lack of gratitude or humility here. You clearly didn't bother to read my whole post or you'd know that.

Edited December 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote edited

[anika99]

You can't make your mother change. She is gonna be her whether you're happy or not. It's nice when family can support each other and get along but moving back home as an adult usually doesn't work out for long. Move out but stay near your family so you don't get too lonely or isolated.

[SweetCharity]

You can't make your mother change. She is gonna be her whether you're happy or not. It's nice when family can support each other and get along but moving back home as an adult usually doesn't work out for long. Move out but stay near your family so you don't get too lonely or isolated.

 

You're right. That's what I hope I can do eventually.

[Els]

When you say you "give" your mother money for groceries, are you a partial recipient of those groceries as well? As in, do you also buy your own groceries and feed yourself in addition to "giving" her money for them, or do you come home every day to the groceries all done and a hot meal on the table? Do you pay your own share of the electricity/internet/water etc or is that all covered by the money you "give" her?

 

I'll be honest with you, it doesn't sound at all like you're an "ATM". I dunno where you live, but in most places, $500-700 per month for all-inclusive board and room is a BARGAIN. She is doing you a FAVOUR. Even if you are paying for your own groceries and bills and not taking any of hers, you're just barely breaking even. You'd pay at LEAST that much for your own rent, and you know it, because otherwise you wouldn't be living with her. Plus she's risking her affordable housing by taking in an unapproved tenant - YOU. Frankly you sound somewhat ungrateful to me.

 

Yes, she probably shouldn't take money from your sisters (although, that's pretty normal in my culture, unfortunately). But that's between her and them. Not you.

[SweetCharity]

When you say you "give" your mother money for groceries, are you a partial recipient of those groceries as well? As in, do you also buy your own groceries and feed yourself in addition to "giving" her money for them, or do you come home every day to the groceries all done and a hot meal on the table? Do you pay your own share of the electricity/internet/water etc or is that all covered by the money you "give" her?<snip>

 

The problem was never whether I give her money or not. The problem is that she'll let two months of an electric bill go by without telling me, and then tell my sisters she's been asking me for money for weeks and that I didn't want to give it to her. Which is untrue. I always give her money everytime I get paid. She just expects me to have money when she needs/wants it. Hence the ATM analogy. There's nothing ungrateful about wanting a heads up because I will handle the bills as long as I know about them ahead of time. But two months worth of bills and all of a sudden I'm scrambling. I also paid my own money to deal with the cockroach infestation my mother refused to tell the landlord about. That's no joke.

 

And it's not between my sisters and my mom. It's a family issue if she's taking our money and being irresponsible with it then asking us for more money. Pretty soon it's a free for all where we're all scrambling to figure things out. If one of us is stressed out the rest of us are stressed out.

 

I don't know where this "ungrateful" shenanigans came from. I never said I had a problem giving her money. I would buy her house if I could. But I can't do anything if she keeps springing things on me last minute.

 

<snip>

Yes, she probably shouldn't take money from your sisters (although, that's pretty normal in my culture, unfortunately). But that's between her and them. Not you.

 

Also, in my culture the children don't really leave the home unless they get married. So it's not so much that I can't afford to move out (which I barely can) but the thought seems pointless. It was devastating being on my own. The lonliness was too much.

Edited December 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and clean up quotes....

[Els]

The problem was never whether I give her money or not. The problem is that she'll let two months of an electric bill go by without telling me, and then tell my sisters she's been asking me for money for weeks and that I didn't want to give it to her. Which is untrue. I always give her money everytime I get paid. She just expects me to have money when she needs/wants it. Hence the ATM analogy. There's nothing ungrateful about wanting a heads up because I will handle the bills as long as I know about them ahead of time. But two months worth of bills and all of a sudden I'm scrambling.

 

 

 

I don't know where this "ungrateful" shenanigans came from. I never said I had a problem giving her money. I would buy her house if I could. But I can't do anything if she keeps springing things on me last minute.

 

That's not what you said in the opening post:

 

BUT lately it's like I'm not giving her enough.

 

Honestly I'm exhausted. My mother knows I give her $400 at the end of the month no matter what. Yet heaven forbid I spend any money that isn't a bill or for her.

 

I'm angry at my mother. She's my mother and I love her but I feel like an ATM at times. I'm not a psychic. I know she's gaslighting me. And she doesn't exactly spend her money wisely so why should her daughters pick up the slack?

 

 

 

But anyway. If it's truly just a last-minute issue, just ask her to give you ample warning next time, or offer to handle some of the bills yourself.

 

I also paid my own money to deal with the cockroach infestation my mother refused to tell the landlord about. That's no joke.

She can't tell the landlord about it because YOU are living illegally with her, right??? She could lose her assisted housing and then BOTH of you would be homeless.

 

And it's not between my sisters and my mom. It's a family issue if she's taking our money and being irresponsible with it then asking us for more money. Pretty soon it's a free for all where we're all scrambling to figure things out. If one of us is stressed out the rest of us are stressed out.

You can't just interchangeably use "our money" and "my money" whenever you like. If you truly believe that your sisters' money is a "family issue", then it doesn't make sense that you are trying to establish individual ownership of money between you and your mother.

 

She shouldn't be asking your sisters for money IMO, but given that you are living in her house and costing more than you are giving her, I'd say YOU have little leverage to complain.

Edited December 20, 2018 by Elswyth

[SweetCharity]

That's not what you said in the opening post:

But anyway. If it's truly just a last-minute issue, just ask her to give you ample warning next time, or offer to handle some of the bills yourself.

 

She can't tell the landlord about it because YOU are living illegally with her, right??? She could lose her assisted housing and then BOTH of you would be homeless.

 

You can't just interchangeably use "our money" and "my money" whenever you like. If you truly believe that your sisters' money is a "family issue", then it doesn't make sense that you are trying to establish individual ownership of money between you and your mother.

 

She shouldn't be asking your sisters for money IMO, but given that you are living in her house and costing more than you are giving her, I'd say YOU have little leverage to complain.

 

I don't see how you could misinterpret my post but it's clear you're nitpicking on the basis of semantics. I'm definitely not costing more than I give her. With the amount of money we give her she shouldn't even qualify for affordable housing but that's a whole other issue. Im not well versed on Florida Law but I'm pretty sure landlords are legally required to provide pest control regardless of unauthorized tenants. It's my mother's own stubbornness that she won't tell him. To say I have no leverage to "complain" is an odd way of looking it. There is no "leverage" and I'm allowed to feel the way that I feel and express it openly as long as I'm not hurting anyone. This is my life and I only wanted some polite advice. Not to be told that I'm ungrateful because you really don't know the whole story and it would take me a lot of time to tell it.

 

Still solid advice though. ?

Edited December 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mx12345]

I'm very sorry to hear your situation OP. Some of the things you were writing felt like I was reading things about my own mother. My mother needs help financially every single month, and while I don't live with her, she has the attitude that its her kids job to help her. She also was cold growing up and never told us she loved us. She never worked and was always depressed so she never did house work. Our home was always filthy, we wore dirty clothes to school, had to fix our own meals, as 7/8 year olds would have to walk to the grocery store ourselves and buy food with food stamps. All of my siblings remember life this way growing up, yet now my mom swears that's not how we were raised and we just say that stuff to make her look bad to people.

 

As an adult, I got a full scholarship, went to college, and have a very good job. So I do splurge on things that I missed out on as a child. My mom thinks I should give more money to her and not spend so much on unneeded things. But she is not wise with money.

 

My advice would be to create a budget and just save, save, save. Maybe you wont have furniture, or be able to go out to eat very much, but living alone without having to deal with all of that could save your sanity.

 

Don't let anyone tell you you are ungrateful. I know what its like to have a mother like yours. You have to be given a chance to live your life the way you want to as well. If you mom is on assisted living (my mom is as well) then giving her $400 a month, plus whatever your other siblings give, should not have her two months behind on the light bill. She is helping you, yes, but you are helping her too. Remember that. Good luck.