Wife of 22 yrs had emotional then physical affair

[Chaparral]

You’re saying she was abused as a child. She needs intensive counseling for a long time. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard of a cheating wife that was molested as a child. It’s so common, posters usually ask the BS if their wife was molested. It’s also common for the molested wives to cut their husbands off of sex. Do some reading on this subject.

 

The man she was cheating with no doubt figured her out and used his experience to play her. Report him.

 

Often, having been abused, her attitude after marriage may put you into a no go zone, while before you were married everything was great. So sorry you are going through this.

 

Regarding your comment about her religion, that’s the best thing she has going for her. If you can’t handle that, you need to accept t an move on.

[S2B]

If your wife isn't willing to change everything and make sure you are her MAIN focus (without focusing at all on any other man) - then it won't be a happy reconciliation.

 

She needs long term counseling for her abuse issues - years of therapy every week! If she won't you have little chance of a happy future with her.

 

Her ideas of sex likely aren't happy thoughts dues to her history. Same goes for men.

 

But if you are making more effort for the marriage than sheis thenitsALL backwards!

 

Stop making effort. Do t help her.

 

Step back and see if she really intends to fix what SHE ruined!

[ChessKnight]

Number one he was saying this to make your wife jealous. If he really wanted this info, it wasn’t for his wife it was so he would know where to look up easy women, maybe even your wife. Another angle is that she lied about this whole scenario to throw you off her trail. Believe nothing an unrepentant cheater says.

 

For one thing, when a wife gets caught cheating and really wants to reconcile, she will bang her husbands brains out over and over. It’s called hysterical bonding. Has this happened to you? Is she treating you like a king?

 

Have you checked with his professional organizing body to see if what he is doing is approved. Have you notified the place your wife works to let them know what he has done in the past with your wife?

 

I saw their texts and she referred him to a SINGLE FRIEND who'd know better. I spoke with SINGLE FRIEND and she confirmed he called her and at that point she told me it was for his wife. My wife didn't know that until the SINGLE FRIEND told her.

 

My wife's thing lasted a week and has been over since July. When I put it all together (Oct 9) there was some hysterical bonding (I didn't know what it was called at the time) for a few weeks. In those weeks I changed for the better but she had not so the bonding ended. It's been 48 hours since she's really started to change and the bonding seems to be back.

 

I don't want to deal with the psychiatrist again other than to block him from working in my wife's system. Her new job is in a different state and he isn't licensed in this state. He also doesn't have the proper immigration papers to work in this state. He wouldn't work at my wife's hospital (due to the nature of her hospital), so they would never actually work together even if those other obstacles were overcome. But I don't want him in the new state so I'm working on killing whatever progress has occurred. From the texts I saw he wasn't interested because it would mean moving his residence too.

 

It so happens that my wife's boss, who runs several hospitals in her system is a friend of mine. I graduated high school with him and have played poker with him. I can kill it if I need to.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't want to deal with the psychiatrist again other than to block him from working in my wife's system. Her new job is in a different state and he isn't licensed in this state. He also doesn't have the proper immigration papers to work in this state. He wouldn't work at my wife's hospital (due to the nature of her hospital), so they would never actually work together even if those other obstacles were overcome. But I don't want him in the new state so I'm working on killing whatever progress has occurred. From the texts I saw he wasn't interested because it would mean moving his residence too.

 

It so happens that my wife's boss, who runs several hospitals in her system is a friend of mine. I graduated high school with him and have played poker with him. I can kill it if I need to.

 

If her head is in the game, wouldn't this be your wife's job? Instead, she's trying to facilitate the move.

 

ChessKnight, you ignored a number of red flags leading up to D-Day. Don't continue to do the same in the time since ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dreamer2017]

Happy Holidays ChessKnight,

 

I wanted to wish you and your family a season of healing. How are you? How are things working out between you and your wife? Hope you can give us an update soon.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[Just a Guy]

Hi Chessknight, today is the first day of the new year. I do hope that the new year brings you good cheer and happiness in your life hence forth. I hope, too, that your wife realizes at a fundamental level how she has damaged your relationship and takes ownership of this. She has a lot of work to do to help heal your relationship and also to help you heal. Also, you have to realize that you have to be manly in your demeanour and outlook and in the face that you present to the world. That can only happen if you respect yourself at the deepest level and develop the requisite self confidence and self esteem that is necessary to bolster your resoluteness in the face of all adversities even personal ones like the one you have recently experienced. You do not need to be tied to your wife's petticoat strings but rather, be the man that she can respect and love. Without that your marriage will remain a sham and you will never find peace of mind.

 

Wish you the very best for 2019 and hope that you come out on top. Happy New Year!

[ChessKnight]

Happy Holidays ChessKnight,

 

I wanted to wish you and your family a season of healing. How are you? How are things working out between you and your wife? Hope you can give us an update soon.

 

Best,

Dreamer

 

Thanks for asking, Dreamer.

 

The last few weeks have been amazing with the exception of a few hiccups. She deleted the guy from contacts and blocked him on WhatsApp. I'm also convinced that she'd never end up with him even if we divorced. They obviously connected on a deep level but he's too different to make her happy long-term. And he cannot stay with one woman.

 

She's also not guarding her phone like she's Gollum with the Ring.

 

My personal therapy sessions have been incredibly helpful. Not just about my marriage but going over old stuff about me I needed to confront. I go once a week and probably talk about our marriage every third session or so.

 

Sex has been the best it's been since before kids. I've continued to work out and while I'm not losing much more weight I'm getting stronger and thinner. Actually had a friend ask me if I was okay the other day because I was "too skinny". I'm definitely not but was nice to hear.

 

The hiccup I mentioned was in our MC session when we got into religion. It'll always be a touchy subject since we are so far apart on it but I kinda blame myself for going after her beliefs quite strongly. She slept on the couch that night but we made up the next morning.

 

Right now we just enjoy being together. It doesn't feel like hysterical bonding like we had after the original confrontation. This seems organic.

 

I can get beyond this episode. I really believe I can. But we still have three major obstacles ahead of us: Religion, Finances and Sex. With religion she's comfortable with me being an atheist (as comfortable as an evangelical can be, I guess) as long as I don't try to persuade our kids. I'm fine with that.

 

Finances may always be an issue. She just has no frugality. For instance last night we had friends over for New Years Eve. I spent about $70 on prosciutto and salami and cheese. We ate about 1/3 of it and then she chucked the rest in the trash. I was pretty upset and asked her why. She said "It was sitting out all night, I thought it had gone bad". I responded "It's cured meats and cheese, it's been sitting around for a year curing, a few more hours isn't gonna do anything". She was apologetic but things like that she just doesn't get.

 

And finally, Sex. As I mentioned in my original post we've had a vanilla sex life since our oldest was born 19 years ago with a few spurts here-and-there. But I am extremely happy where we've been for the last month or so. And I think she is too.

 

Again, thanks for asking. I'll keep updating as I move forward.

[ChessKnight]

Hi Chessknight, today is the first day of the new year. I do hope that the new year brings you good cheer and happiness in your life hence forth. I hope, too, that your wife realizes at a fundamental level how she has damaged your relationship and takes ownership of this. She has a lot of work to do to help heal your relationship and also to help you heal. Also, you have to realize that you have to be manly in your demeanour and outlook and in the face that you present to the world. That can only happen if you respect yourself at the deepest level and develop the requisite self confidence and self esteem that is necessary to bolster your resoluteness in the face of all adversities even personal ones like the one you have recently experienced. You do not need to be tied to your wife's petticoat strings but rather, be the man that she can respect and love. Without that your marriage will remain a sham and you will never find peace of mind.

 

Wish you the very best for 2019 and hope that you come out on top. Happy New Year!

 

I appreciate the advice. You can see my reply to Dreamer above where we are now.

 

When this whole thing happened in October I was in the worst shape of my life, physically. I lost a ton of weight immediately in an unhealthy way because I just couldn't eat. Since then I've worked out and eaten less, if not healthier. I could eat a dozen buffalo wings watching a football game. Now I'll eat 3 or 4 and be fine.

 

I used to be a runner but since I was overweight I gave it up. I've been running lately as well as working out.

 

I say all of that to say that I am much more confident and address your point of 'manly demeanor'. One of the things I saw in her phone after all of this blew up was a photo he sent of him shirtless in running shorts with 6-pack abs. He's a tall dude where I'm 5'8. A few photos later was a picture she apparently surreptitiously took of me by the pool with a huge gut.

 

I know she was comparing the two of us and I came out poorly. But losing weight and adding muscle has dramatically changed my physique and I have that confidence you are talking about. I don't have 6-pack abs (yet) but I'm headed in the right direction.

 

I ran 3 miles this morning and took 30 seconds off per mile from what I was doing just a week ago. And did 100 push-ups before 8am.

 

My brother is a doctor and I got botox from him last week. While that may be cheating, it took years off my face. I saw a friend I hadn't seen in, maybe, 10 years compliment my looks afterwards. She said "you never change". She should've seen me 3 months ago.

 

So I'm taking your advice but to feel confident I need to be someone I like. Otherwise it is just a façade. And I truly like what I see in myself right now.

 

Thanks again.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear ChessKnight,

 

I appreciate you keeping us updated on your positive outcomes. I have a few questions, and I’m sorry if you have already posted the answers.

 

1.) Did your wife ask for your forgiveness?

2.) Has she shown any remorse and empathy for what she has done?

3.) Has she expresses a desire to stay in the marriage?

4.) Has she given you a timeline?

5.) Is she still in love with her OM?

 

Thanks,

Dreamer

[ChessKnight]

Dear ChessKnight,

 

I appreciate you keeping us updated on your positive outcomes. I have a few questions, and I’m sorry if you have already posted the answers.

 

1.) Did your wife ask for your forgiveness?

2.) Has she shown any remorse and empathy for what she has done?

3.) Has she expresses a desire to stay in the marriage?

4.) Has she given you a timeline?

5.) Is she still in love with her OM?

 

Thanks,

Dreamer

 

1. Yes. From both me and her God. She told her pastors and removed herself indefinitely from serving at church. I haven’t quite accepted that part of it yet. So even though she’s asked I’m not quite ready to forgive fully, although i’m ready to get past it for now.

 

2. Yes. Eventually. At first she blamed it on our struggling marriage. Later she realized what she did was much worse.

 

3. Definitely yes. To go back to some earlier quotes, she say’s i’ve always been her ‘plan A’. I’m not sure i believe the ‘always’ part but I believe she feels that way now.

 

4. Not sure what you mean by ‘timeline’. For what?

 

5. She says no. She’s cut off all communication with him and blocked him. To her credit she was the one who broke off the adultery months before I found out. But she was still in contact as friends. Which The counsellor and I have both convinced her was a terrible idea. I do believe she is not in love with him but i also think she misses the conversations they used to have. Though she’d never say it.

[Dreamer2017]

Thank you, my friend, for the response

[ChessKnight]

It's been over a month since my last update so I thought I'd give another update.

 

Our relationship has been getting better-and-better by the week. We're seeing the marriage counsellor every other week and I've been seeing a personal therapist each week. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to supply anti-anxiety medication on Feb 12. This is at the recommendation of my therapist. My anxiety is not because of the affair but has been going on more-or-less all my life.

 

We've had a couple setbacks but bounced back. One setback was when we were out on a date and made the unfortunate decision to start talking about religion. It got rather heated (on her side) I was calm but she got pretty mad.

 

 

We each got over it and had sex that night, so it couldn't have been too bad.

 

Another time I was drunk late at night and started accusing her of stuff. Nothing in particular but just started telling her 'she knows what she's doing'. But neither I nor she knew what I was talking about. She started crying and I had to apologize for being whatever the hell I was being.

 

I apologized throughout the next day and told her I was embarrassed. She forgave me and we've been good since. There's actually been three instances I've suspected something and confronted her and I've been demonstrably wrong. She's doing all she can to help me (us) heal but I need to stop suspecting everything she does is some duplicitous plot or I'll never heal.

 

 

Thanks again for all the support I've gotten here. I'll update in the future, hopefully with more good news.

[usa1ah]

I honestly don’t see how you can stay with a cheater. Best of luck.

 

I have seen it proven out, once a cheater always a cheater.

[Normm]

I But neither I nor she knew what I was talking about.

 

 

It would naturally follow that if you don't know what you're talking about than neither would she.

[Try]

I apologized throughout the next day and told her I was embarrassed. She forgave me and we've been good since. There's actually been three instances I've suspected something and confronted her and I've been demonstrably wrong. She's doing all she can to help me (us) heal but I need to stop suspecting everything she does is some duplicitous plot or I'll never heal.

Your wife was lying and cheating on you until just a couple of months ago. It is way to early for you not to be suspicious, much less for you to be apologizing to her for not trusting her. On average it takes 3 to 5 years for a cheated on spouse to learn to deal with a past affair, and that is if they ever can learn to deal with it (many cannot). Right now you are in what is called false reconciliation, where the cheater gets to rug sweep what they did as if it was no big deal, and where they demand that you apologize for not moving along as if nothing happened.

 

Remember that when you were trusting her she used that trust to facilitate her cheating. At this point she should be apologizing to you every times you are suspicious (even if wrong) because it was her recent betrayal that is causeing you to be looking over your shoulder. Your lack of trust is all on her and we’ll deserved. It is her job to put in the work to earn that trust back. By you handling her cheating in the way you are now doing, the odds are high that she will cheat again, because she now sees that you are too busy doing the pick me dance to even think about divorcing her over her betrayal. She use to fear that you might leave her if she cheated, and now she knows that you leaving was never really on the table.

Edited February 11, 2019 by Try

[Mrs._December]

She’s also admitted to falling in love with him and that being with him wasn’t, inevitably, up to her. Which means she wanted to leave me to marry him, but he couldn’t promise her that so that’s how they ended. That is the reason she’s still in this marriage.

So she's a lying hypocrite who pretends to be so spiritual yet tried to tell you she thinks she got Herpes from a vape pen.

 

And of course, she would have left you in a heartbeat if Prince Charming could have promised her a happily ever after, so you're basically Plan B.

 

The fall-back guy.

 

The default Option.

 

And you're actually 'reconciling' with this woman?

 

Bless you.

[WilyWill]

I could never be anyone's fallback plan.

 

And I can't imagine how she could get into a "heated" discussion about her religion (Evangelical Christianity, right?). She doesn't even believe in or practice some of the fundamental teachings of her religion. She's a hypocrite. What's she doing, criticizing you for not being pious enough? I'd laugh in her face.