Wife of 22 yrs had emotional then physical affair

[BMI03]

And I do love her and I know she loves me. So you can at least acknowledge it deserves an effort to save.

 

I don't think anyone will acknowledge that without taking a clear headed look at the facts, because your going in criteria of "...and I know she loves me." is flawed. You THINK she loves you.

 

I understand why you think you know she loves you. She has loved you in the past, and she has taken actions to prove it. And, even now, she is doing some things that you interpret are results of the love she has for you. However, you need to at least be open to the idea that those actions could also be for other reasons. Right?

 

Someone who is use to being catered to, and knows she cannot leave her marriage to continue a relationship with the man she truly loves, for reasons outside her control, will fake remorse and a torn soul in order to convince you she is sorry, and play you back into her arms. This is a necessarily survival step on her part to maintain her security and support. Her 'Plan A' is not available, so she needs to nourish her 'Plan B'. None of that requires loving you, but it certainly may feel like love on your end.

 

Add to that, I would argue that if she genuinely loved you, you would be seeing some other actions which you are not seeing. For starters, if she loved you, she wouldn't cheat, but lets move beyond that for a moment. If she loved you, then after the discovery, she would be doing ALL she could to make you feel safe and comfortable...over the top. She would have eagerly started her own counselling sessions desperate to find out what is broken in side of her that would allow her to do this to you, not brushed off the idea; she would have doubled up on the MC sessions, not gave excuses to miss half of them; she would be open and transparent in and out of sessions to assist in your healing, not just say what was convenient in the moment to try to protect her Plan B while facing minimal consequences; she would have washed this man from her life and thoughts to keep from hurting you again, not kept him in mind for job opportunities and explored the idea of helping him out; she would have taken responsibility and told you how wrong she was, not blamed it on your actions; she would have asked you exactly what you need to heal, and did it. That's how you treat someone you love.

 

Aren't those the kinds of things you would do for her if the roles were reversed and you risked losing her for something bad you did? Hell, you are not the cheater here today, and here you are doing all the over the top steps yourself. Right or wrong? Who's working on things here?

 

She isn't doing these things because of your 'pick me' dance. Others here have mentioned it, but here's why it doesn't work: She is not committed to the idea her 'Plan A' is off the table. She is of course ensuring you, 'Plan B' is secured, but she hasn't given up on 'Plan A', and she does things like the potential job offer for him as a means to keep 'Plan A' active in the list of potentials.

 

In the mean time, she only needs to do as much as minimally necessary to keep you active as 'Plan B'. Why trouble herself with all the effort of the items I mention above if it's obvious to her now that 'Plan B' is firmly in place without needing to do more. Your 'pick me' dance tells her that. It tells her 'you are doing enough for me to still want to be in this relationship' which confirms for her that 'Plan B' is alive and well and receiving all it needs to remain an active option.

 

That is why people suggest standing up for yourself harder...drawing lines in the sand on what you expect from her, and giving black and white orders on what you will and will not tolerate regarding potential reconciliation (NO contact with other man; his wife needs to be informed; timeline of all events, starting a divorce process until you see her take real actions, etc). People are not just suggesting being stronger like that because it looks macho. They suggest it because what they do is tell your wife that 'Plan B' is not a given, and she can't take it for granted that it will be there. It will make 'Plan B' a unsecured option, and she will come to realize that she needs to work harder to keep it active.

 

The hope, is that in realizing that 'Plan B' is not secure, she will come to reflect on what it would mean to entirely lose 'Plan B', and that will shock her into the reality that until that point she has never truly contemplated because she never saw it as a possibility before. This is where true remorse begins...with the panic of realizing something she thought she had, has potentially been lost due to your actions. It will force her hand into really seeing that it is a case of having to chose which option she wants to take, and committing fully to it. The hope is in that moment, she sees through the fog of the affair, realizes that she doesn't love him but instead was excited by the new feelings and attention, and makes the decision to recommit to you, truly and in a new level of enthusiasm she needs to in order to heal your mind of the betrayal.

 

 

 

To address one other note in your posts: telling the AP's wife, and the pastor, family, friends, etc. isn't to 'ruin' them. Any negative consequence of her actions sit with her, not you. You are only stating truth. What I mean is this. If a stranger had cancer, and you found out and knew they were unaware, would you tell them so they could begin treatment and take care of themselves? Or would you worry about hurting them and leave it unsaid? That's the situation with the affair partners wife. You have information critical to her well being. It's not about revenge, etc. ...she deserves to know. The benefit this has to you however, is that bringing her out of this fog of new-relationship bliss I mentioned earlier is more effective if she can see her actions through other's eyes. She can manage and control the situation if it's only you who she has to manipulate to keep 'Plan B' active, because she knows how to manipulate you. She does. You don't see it because you love her, but she does.

 

If others know, family, friends, pastor, she has others who will question her position on things and she will feel more obligation to make sense with her approach.

 

Do you think if her pastor heard her tell him she cheated because you were being emotionally available that he would agree and support her actions? Do you think if her mother heard her say she has been missing the MC sessions to get past her cheating because she had a hair appointment, her mother would say 'good call!'. Do you think your wife would feel confident that her answer as to why she wants to get her affair partner a job would sound reasonable and acceptable to her boss? Would she think it makes sense to tell your father that individual counselling is needed for you, but not her?

 

Her reasons for everything can convince you because you love her and want more than anything to believe this is salvageable, so you don't hold her to task and make her accountable. When the affair is open to the world around her, it brings to light how silly and reticulated her position on things actually are. People will begin to support you when they see it to, and you will feel less alone.

 

Good luck to you...you can get there, but right now you, your love for her, and your desire to reconcile and get back to your normal, are your own worst enemy.

[Jamess1]

Don't even know where to start. There are things you completely blind too, you have no experience with women, you don't even know when a woman is lying to you, or using you. Generally a man should have dated at least 20+ before he gets married...you can't even see some very obvious staff, you are very naive..

 

You don't have 22 years of marriage, you have basically wasted 22 years of your life on a lie..you can't even see the obvious associations between her behavior and her intent...

 

-Your wife doesn't want sex with you, the problem is not mystical, or normal, or 'one of those things' the problem is that she is not attracted to you. She is not aroused by you, the same is not true with other men.

 

-She has been cheating for long, and they have had sexs already, many times. When she was crying about him, she realized she wasn't the only one he was cheating with.

 

-She has no respect for you because of your lack of self-respect, lack of awareness and consciousness, you avoid the truth, you are risk averse, you are agreeable - stop doing chore work in the hopes of getting sex from her, there is nothing less arousing to a woman than that - this 'Mr Nice Guy', attitude, self-sacrificing mentality has done more harm in your marriage than you realize.

 

I don't blame her for cheating, as I read your post I couldn't even sense your masculinity, probably didn't have a strong masculine role- model while growing up, or had a 'weak' father...the polarity is reversed, she is the 'masculine' - taking risks with career,she doesn't do the chores, you take the kids to school, you cried over her cheating, she gave you conditions for for the marriage to continue after she cheated,you are the necessary one in the relationship, you need her more than she needs you, the dynamics are just bad.

 

Wish you could see your situation from my perspective - outside yourself. Get this book, it has been helpful to most men. Don't have time now..

[Marc878]

I think you are projecting your feelings onto her.

 

I love her so she must love me too, thing.

 

Her actions sure don't show it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Which means she wanted to leave me to marry him, but he couldn’t promise her that so that’s how they ended. That is the reason she’s still in this marriage.

 

You're going to bet your future on this? This women, who gives him office blow jobs and you monthly crumbs, has come back only because she has no where else to go. Not how I'd want to go forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Chessknight, I am sorry but on reading your posts it comes across clearly that you are weak and your wife sees you as a push over. That is the reason she is the one who is calling the shots and you are simply dancing to her tune. I find it surprising that a man who is profitably employed and has a reasonably good income lacks the self confidence in himself to be self assured and suffers from a lack of self esteem. You need to display a manly spirit which a woman can respect. What you are currently presenting to your wife is a weak willed, needy male adult who is prepared to bend over backwards to accommodate his wife's atrocious behaviour just to get her to stick around. Well, if that is what you want then you have got it! She is sticking around for the moment. When she is sure of her lover boy she will drop you like a sack of potatoes and make tracks. Since she has already proved that she can fall for someone else then even if this liaison does not work out, she will, in time , find another one and walk away.

 

As someone else has said, your wife has faced NO consequences for her disgraceful behaviour and that reinforces her belief that she can do whatever she wants and you will inevitably suck it up. This also confirms her belief that she can disrespect you at will because you are unworthy of her. It is entirely up to you as to how you want to live your life. If you can live in a unilaterally imposed open marriage and be happy with yourself, then you do not need to visit a forum like this one. However, if your self respect and dignity have been hurt by the actions of your wife then it is time to sit up and take proactive measures to get out of infidelity. Are you man enough for that? It is up to you to answer that question whichever way you want to! Best wishes.

Edited December 19, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Amethyst68]

I just wanted to check, you said earlier you paid all

household bills including her car although, if I'm right, she earns more than you?

 

Did you mean this in the sense of you controlling the household budget or that your wife does not contribute financially? If it is the latter, that needs to stop, today! Marriage is a partnership and she needs to play her part.

 

If you like to provide for your family then put her contributions in an account for your children but don't tell her. It's time she did something to contribute to your partnership!

 

BTW I'm still pushing for revealing the affair to her pastor, your wife needs someone to hold her accountable for her actions.

[smi11ie]

You should contact his wife directly and tell her what's going on. She might care or she might not. You need to stop using your wife as a source of information and start acting independently. The affair won't stop until no-contact has been established. She can't work with him or see him or phone him or message him or check his facebook ever again. I think you should also meet with a divorce lawyer. I also think you should expose your wife to friends and family, it will be embarrassing but she really needs a wake-up call.

[elaine567]

I also think you should expose your wife to friends and family, it will be embarrassing but she really needs a wake-up call.

 

 

NOT a good idea if you want to stay married.

Fine if you want a divorce, but even then it can make things awkward.

Friends and family will get involved and they may likely ostracise your wife and you too if you decide to take her side, they will try to make you choose her or them, it may even affect their relationships with your kids. Parents and siblings and wider family can get very upset.

There may never be a happy and peaceful family occasion ever again...

Cheating men often can get a pass, cheating women rarely do.

If you want to stick by your wife, then best to keep quiet.

Yes it may be a wake up call for her, but you will then all have to live with the repercussions...

[ChessKnight]

Thanks, BMI03. That was very thoughtful and helpful.

Edited December 19, 2018 by ChessKnight
Clarity

[aliveagain]

If you want to give your marriage a real chance to survive, expose the affair to the O/M's wife. Look at where this is heading, your wife is trying to get her affair partner a job where she works. Draw your line in the sand and defend your position. She has put you at risk, O/M's wife is at risk, by withholding information from his wife you indirectly become their accomplice in her deception and continued health risk. She deserves the truth so she can decide what is best for her and her children, nothing in telling her is about getting revenge. Marriage counselling only works if your both committed to it, your both honest and you both want the marriage. The key and most important consideration is that the affair is over, trying to get her boyfriend a job in the same place she works is proof that she is not over him.

 

Just my opinion but it seems to me that she wants to keep him near her until he decides to leave his wife. Why wait until then, get your house in order. Talk to a lawyer, find out your rights and how you can protect your children, your finances. Stop reacting to her and start taking the lead because your letting the future of your family rest with someone who makes some really sh*tty decisions. Yes 22 years is a lot to leave, wasting another 25 or 30 years on someone who is only part time is even worse.

[stillafool]

See my other post of why I’m certain about no intercourse.

 

And re: his wife. He actually recently asked my wife what was a good bar to go to for women to pick up men. Turn out it was for his wife and her friend. Pretty sure she knows what’s going on.

 

How do you know this to be true. It is good that he has a wife and you need to let her know what is going on if you want to save your marriage. He may have lied to your wife (like most cheaters do) that his wife and him are in an open marriage. I doubt that very much. If you tell the wife she will do a better job at keeping them apart than you can. Once both spouses find out it deflates the affair somewhat.

[elaine567]

How do you know this to be true. It is good that he has a wife and you need to let her know what is going on if you want to save your marriage. He may have lied to your wife (like most cheaters do) that his wife and him are in an open marriage. I doubt that very much. If you tell the wife she will do a better job at keeping them apart than you can. Once both spouses find out it deflates the affair somewhat.

 

 

Most wives with a two year old child are not out hunting in bars for sex...

I too guess that was a lie, the MOM told your wife.

Or your wife made it up...

 

 

Be careful about taking everything your wife tells you as the gospel truth.

She is no longer that lovely woman you married, your soulmate... she is a different person, remember that.

Look to protect your assets, she is miles ahead of you here, do not be caught napping whist she may still be scheming... Assume nothing.

[Chaparral]

Download MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER from

Amazon

 

Download free version NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY

 

GOOGLE what the bible says about good wives then about bad women, print this off and give it to your wife.

 

THe books are just for you. Don’t let her know you are reading them.

 

You can read a dozen threads or a thousand here or at other forums. You will not find any men that saved their marriages doing what you are doing.

 

When you man up your life will get better.

[ChessKnight]

If you want to give your marriage a real chance to survive, expose the affair to the O/M's wife

 

Other’s have suggested this but it won’t work. One of the last conversations my wife had with him was him asking for a good ‘pickup’ bar for women to go to. It was for his,wife and her friend. I don’t know if they have an open relationship or he was letting her get revenge but she clearly knows. He is a serial cheater.

 

Thanks for,the rest of your advice. I’m working on it.

[ChessKnight]

Most wives with a two year old child are not out hunting in bars for sex...

I too guess that was a lie, the MOM told your wife.

Or your wife made it up...

 

I know it to be true. He didn’t tell my wife it was for his wife. She told him she doesnt know pu bars and to contact a mutual friend who knows better. It was the mutual friend who told me it was for his wife.

 

I can also confirm the other wife knows he’s a serial cheater. She left to Brazil to get away from him but has apparently returned so her son can be with his dad and just accepted who this pos is.

[BMI03]

Thanks, BMI03. That was very thoughtful and helpful.

 

No problem. It seemed like you were struggling to see the value in the advice being given so I thought understanding the reasons behind it may help. Right now you are a helpless deer with a bear’s jaws around your neck and you are saying “maybe if I smile and don’t run it’ll be ok”. The people here are telling you how to fight for yourself but it’s hard to see that.

 

Your wife will act loving and remorseful right now when it suits her. But don’t mistake...she is the enemy right now, even from herself and any potential reconciliation if she ever wanted it. Because her motivation will be to save herself, get what she wants, and risk as little as she has to in order to obtain it.

 

This means that nothing she says should be trusted without independent verification. Everything that comes from her needs to be sized up to see if it may benifit her in this situation, and if it does, than it’s likely a lie.

 

I think you need to man up, stop making excuses to yourself why the hard actions suggested will not work in your situation, because you simply don’t know that any more than you know they will, so start taking those actions. Start taking control so this isn’t happening TO you while you passively close your eyes and just wish it wasn’t so.

 

Others have said it and are right...no one wins their marriage back over the actions you are taking. You take a hard stance...kick her out, file for divorce (you can always stop the process later), tell other man’s wife that you think she should be made aware; tell her pastor and explain that you think she needs spiritual guidance from him; tell her family, and yours. Tell them you want to work on it but are unsure if she is willing.

 

This will shock her into having to deal with the mess. This will mean getting worse before it gets better, and it may all fall apart. But that is a ‘may’ fall apart. It certainly WILL fall apart if you do nothing, whether through her leaving for the other man, or treating you as a second place finisher for the rest of your life.

[notbroken]

Your wife doesn't respect you at all. If you want to rescue your marriage you will have to 'man up'. It may seem counterproductive but you WILL be divorced if you don't. Tell her you have a couple of issues that are absolutely not negotiable. One is that she can never contact the OM again - and that includes working with him. If she does then you are done/divorced - and mean it. Also tell her that she has to fully disclose everything that happened and stop lying. If she doesn't disclose and you then find out you are done/divorced. Tell her you absolutely will NOT tolerate any further betrayals of you and your kids (and make sure she understands she is betraying them too) and you will be done if she does. Period. Not negotiable.

 

It is the only way you can regain respect in her eyes - and your own.

 

Honestly, you should divorce her. She DID have sex with him. Adults don't just play monopoly when they get together and are attracted to one another. She didn't just talk to him. She hasn't respected you for a long time and doesn't want to have sex with you. There are women that will. You have become a househusband even if not intentional. She doesn't respect you for that and never will. You can't nice her back. The 'pick me' dance never works - though it may seem to in the short run. Not 'manning up' will affect you in ways you can't yet imagine. Regain your self respect. Start by telling her you won't put up with any nonsense and divorce her quickly if she doesn't become transparent, honest, and faithful. You DEMAND that - and will divorce her if she doesn't. Again, you should probably divorce her anyway as painful as that is. She is NOT who you think she is and has damaged your relationship even worse than you now imagine. Right now she is lying to protect herself and her boyfriend. Know that. Guard yourself and your family. Watch your assets carefully. She has proven she is not trustworthy and it is foolish to think she has changed just because she is crying.

[YoungCandy]

I understand your feeling and feel sad about this. I went through a similar experience just two years ago when my wife started an emotional affair and turned it into full blown sex and love affair for over a year. When I caught her cheating she eventually confessed. At one point she convinced me that she was telling the truth but it took another year for me to figure out she was only telling half of the story.

 

The affair and sex thing can eventually be over come. The real problem, at least from my prospective is the process of regaining trust, which might have been forever destroyed. I see you still have doubt if they actually had sex or not. I mean just don't be naive about it. We don't want to admit unless we are caught with real evidence. If she's not able to come clean completely, or still lying to the counselor, it only means that she's not letting it go yet. And the counselling is not effective. The good lover is not a good marriage partner; the good marriage partner is not a good lover. She wants the best of both worlds and still trying to lie about it.

 

Your wife needs to be 100% honest about what has been going on and how she feels about it now. I think this is only way to save the marriage. If she doesn't want to do that you guys will stay in the circle of suffering for many more years and the marriage will never work. You ask me how I knew about it, a bad mistaken.

Edited December 20, 2018 by YoungCandy

[ChessKnight]

UPDATE:

Most of you have been extremely helpful. I’ve made a huge breakthrough bc of this thread.

 

2 nights ago (same day i first posted) we went to MC. I’ve been here-and-there checking her phone since i surreptitiously regained access a few weeks ago. She deleted AP from whatsapp and blocked him. She didn’t tell me, but I knew.

 

I wasn’t going to bring it up at MC, waiting for her or counselor to. It never came up. We argued about religion and what effect my atheism has on our kids and other ****. I know she wanted to talk about that but i already knew so didn’t feel like it needed to come up from me.

 

We fought still more when we got home. Pretty epic actually. She cried for the first and she slept on the couch. That’s our doghouse. Whoever stays in bed knows they won argument.

 

The next morning i crafted a lengthy email with the points all of you brought up. About exposing her to the world, her church, divorce, evertything. I told her i posted our story online and got feedback. There were no threats. More of a hypothetical ‘internet folks say i should do this...’.

 

LET ME SAY THIS

i’m not stupid. I know what i know and there are things I certainly am in the dark about. But i know what i know. I have the proof. So i’ll be clear about this: i know FOR A FACT she never had intercourse with the AP. She never did anything outside of work. And the entire physical affair lasted a week.

 

The emotional affair lasted for over a year. That’s more hurtful to me, anyways. Their relationship since July has been platonic. You can believe it or not but I have the proof. The fact she tried to get him a job in her system (another hospital in another city), i think, was her way of proving it was over to herself and she could remain friends. It was f’ing stupid logic to be sure. And she admitted it to me (i already knew, cuz...) without me bring it up originally.

 

Back to yesterday’s email

She sent a reply back(we were both at work) that was lengthy in it’s own right and was laced with the same bullet points she’s had problems with me about for years. She definitely grasped the seriousness of my first email, though.

 

I sent her a second email which called her a liar. And gave examples with whatsapp screenshots she didn’t know i had. Also with her search history from July. She’s not good with technology.

 

As it turned out. After my first email early morning, she started to make the calls i kinda threatened to make.

 

Her first was to her church. This is no small thing. My wife is an INCREDIBLY talented singer. Professional voice. It’s one of those Megachurches with lasers lights , fog and rock concert feel. Seats like, 2,000,and multiple services on a weekend. She LIVES for performing there. She confessed to her pastor then to worship leader. She put herself on indefinite leave. That meant cancelling this weekends services and Christmas Eve.

 

She told pastor everything. He asked dozens of questions and she answered them all. She gave basics to worship leader but admitted infidelity and didn’t blame me.

 

She also called several family members she is close to and admitted her affair. I didn’t know this until today.

 

We went Christmas shopping last night and I was in one store with mymson while she was in another with my daughter. When i finished i went to check on them and she was crying while in checkout line. I figured it was about my email but this morning it was obvious it was about confessing her sins to those closest to her and the humiliation of pulling out of something she loves.

 

Cynical me knows she did it for damage control bc she suspected I would do it first then it would be 10x worse. And i’m sure that’s probably the case. But for our marriage it is a huge step forward. She’s finally going to be held accountable to others.

 

Thnks to this thread.

 

Imhaven’t seen her since I found out and won’t till 8pm tonight so i’ll know at that point where we are at. She said she’s been crying all morning at work so I went radio silent so so she can do her job.

 

I can absolutely get over this. I aslo told her in the last email that when we get through this we still have HUGE issues left like sex, finances and religion.

 

But for the first time in awhile i’m hopeful.

 

Thanks again.

[Marc878]

Those who get strong and stay there always come out better no matter which way it goes.

 

The other thing is you would be ok without her as well.

 

Sure it would hurt and take awhile to get over but it would not be the end of your world. Keep that in your back pocket.

[elaine567]

Seems she is going into some sort of a guilt-fest.

 

We had one MW actually commit suicide, as the guilt, humiliation and the loss of life as she knew it was too much to bear.

An affair can also be a symptom of deeper trouble and mental anguish.

 

Keep a close eye on her.

[ChessKnight]

Seems she is going into some sort of a guilt-fest.

 

We had one MW actually commit suicide, as the guilt, humiliation and the loss of life as she knew it was too much to bear.

An affair can also be a symptom of deeper trouble and mental anguish.

 

Keep a close eye on her.

 

I really think that won’t be an issue. She’s a strong woman. She’s been through a lot in her life. She was molested by her grandfather her entire childhood until she turned 13.

 

I’m the only person she’s ever had intercourse with and even though few, if anyone, in this thread believes that I know it to be true. She recovered from that because of her faith.

 

She broke the affair off after a week and i didn’t put it together for two more months. Dont think I mentioned it but the final clue for me was the books she ordered.

 

In September she got her first tattoo. It’s not just her first but the first tattoo in either of our families. It shocked everyone and both our moms are sick about it. That tattoo is of a phoenix. She’s risen from the ashes of years ofsexual abuse by her grandfather (and another relative when she was 6) and she’ll overcome this.

 

I am confident we will work out butmeven if not she’ll rise from those ashes.

 

Thanks for your concern.

[seren]

Chessknight, hi, a lot of your posts sound like mine around 10 yrs ago. I first came here when my H had an affair, we too had been together for over 23 years. I looked for all the reasons why my wonderful H would have an affair, we were the poster couple for a great marriage, which is why it floored me when he told me about it. I set my line in the sand, no contact with the OW, other than to let her know it was done. I also said if he wanted to leave and if he loved her I would help sort out our finances and make the divorce easy. I didn't want a husband who didn't want to be one that could live by our rules one's he had broken by the affair.

 

He wanted to stay, I wanted him to stay, BUT, I needed full and absolute disclosure to anything and everything I needed answers to, any lies, any omission and we were done, I needed to make an informed choice, so, I had it all, warts and all and sometimes it hurt, but my H didn't hide or try to blame me. I had to understand the why of it and once I felt I had all I needed, I made the decision to stay, we made the decision to stay. I acknowledged my part in the state our marriage was in and what I needed to do to help us to reconcile and we went from there,

 

Reconciliation is so, so hard, anyone who thinks it is easy hasn't done it. It takes years to process the affair and how it impacts upon you, it takes years to get through a day without feeling you are falling apart. The best way to get through it is to talk to each other about every feeling, good, bad and indifferent. The fallout from infidelity is the same whether you are rich, poor, a beauty queen or a girl next door, it is terrible, destructive and so hurtful, for the A partner to see what they have done can make or break the relationship. Some just cannot have how they have hurt another in their face each day.

 

It was only after around the 4 year point did I feel we had turned a corner, but, it changed our marriage and my H, we are now 10 yrs and some into reconciliation, it has been damned hard work and there are no second chances. If you are unhappy with your wife having contact with the psychiatrist, tell her, if it is a dealbreaker, tell her. if you aren't honest about things then it will never work, if you don't have the truth, it will never work. To have a real chance at it you need everything to make that informed choice about your future, anything else is just papering over the cracks.

 

I read a lot on here and elsewhere about how someone is religious and has an affair, sorry, but anyone who can hurt another so badly has strayed so far from the path they need a rethink, not the face they are on the outside, but who they are on the inside. If you both want it to work, be prepared for some real hard work, it can work, me and H prove that, but, it will be changed, you both will be changed. However, first step is the absolute truth and lines drawn in the sand. I will add that anyone who is contemplating anal sex has, in my opinion, been intimate already, no one goes from a blow job to anal sex in one move (yuck). I wish you the very best.

[S2B]

I think your wife is a bold faced liar!

 

And she's cruel - trying to criticize you for her did satisfaction in the marriage! Why are you being so weak?

 

Stop helping her! SHE needs to help YOU! She needs to cook and clean and take care of things! You've made it SO easy for her to use you!!! That she will keep you around as a plan B mainly because it's convenient!

 

Stop it! She needs to do ALL the heavy lifting in the marriage!

 

She called others to confess because SHE could minimize it that way!

 

You are being VERY foolish!

 

Make her do counseling - she's broken. She ruined your marriage and family! You should be pissed off! She thought she had an std because she was having sex with a guy that sleeps around.

 

Stop being so foolish. The way you participate makes it so easy for her to walk all over you. She's a complete farce! You don't even know her - because she's capable of being a completely different person than you realized.

 

Penalties and consequences for your wifewill force her to do more. Stop helping her use you!

 

She's not been a wife and Mom. She needs to stay at home every evening and take care of her family!!! She can read? Then she can certainly learn to cook!

 

You've been weak. And she hasn't made the effort to have a good marriage. Sex once a month? Sheez, after 23 years married (26 years together) my H and I had sex every day!

 

You know... honestly, it really appears that your W simply doesn't give a crap - and since you care more than she does she will continue to use you.

 

Care less. DO less at home. Made serious demands from her to completely change! And ya know what...if she doesn't - divorce her.

 

That way you can find a woman who may at least care about you! Your wife is a jerk and a liar trying to cover up way too much!

 

First up = polygraph. She had sex with him - I bet $100 she did. Stop thinking she's so innocent - she's not.

[Chaparral]

Other’s have suggested this but it won’t work. One of the last conversations my wife had with him was him asking for a good ‘pickup’ bar for women to go to. It was for his,wife and her friend. I don’t know if they have an open relationship or he was letting her get revenge but she clearly knows. He is a serial cheater.

 

Thanks for,the rest of your advice. I’m working on it.

 

Number one he was saying this to make your wife jealous. If he really wanted this info, it wasn’t for his wife it was so he would know where to look up easy women, maybe even your wife. Another angle is that she lied about this whole scenario to throw you off her trail. Believe nothing an unrepentant cheater says.

 

For one thing, when a wife gets caught cheating and really wants to reconcile, she will bang her husbands brains out over and over. It’s called hysterical bonding. Has this happened to you? Is she treating you like a king?

 

Have you checked with his professional organizing body to see if what he is doing is approved. Have you notified the place your wife works to let them know what he has done in the past with your wife?