disgusted with myself for kissing another man

[carhill]

Nah, she could have simply let him kiss her. Happens. Women are generally passive. We see it all the time on LS. If the OP jumps on her husband and rides him like a champion bull then perhaps she's not so passive. However, nearly all women I've known in life 'let it happen'. They act in ways to facilitate kissing, making out, and any genital involvement. Here, it was just kissing.

 

From my life experience, this is way overblown. Cool for them that all the post-kiss drama is making things better for them. I've seen so much of it that I'll just fix another drink and sit back and watch the action.

 

Right on queue, I hear a MW's text coming through. Hopefully, she's sucking on her husbands lips tonight Nope, I presumed incorrectly. Just telling it like it is. Disgust varies widely in the world. Hopefully, this lovely lady in the discussion will have a long, fulfilling and happy marriage.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Guilt Ridden.

 

I've been in your shoes. Almost same thing happened to me, we would hang out with a couple drinking, friends for like 10 years. One night I was alone with the husband and he kissed me. I told my H but while it is true, it really was just a surprise on my part, we thought we worked through it but we did not work through the underlying issues. The truth is I was very alone in the marriage, H was too, and H pulled further away, we both had affairs and a lot of change was made in our relationship and life.

 

As for the friend, it's over, no more friendship. That is the way it is and honestly, you don't see this now but it's really not good to be hanging around with another couple drinking heavily. I do believe you if you say there was no attraction, but I am sure there was some loneliness on your part. Why did your husband leave you at the party? Not blaming him but pointing out that you both have a lot to work through.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Nah, she could have simply let him kiss her. Happens. Women are generally passive.

 

We are passive and when in a marriage for a while, if you are lonely and someone jumps on you with passion for a kiss (and they are attractive of course), you kiss them back. For a moment you feel like a woman again.

[DKT3]

Hi Guilt Ridden.

 

I've been in your shoes. Almost same thing happened to me, we would hang out with a couple drinking, friends for like 10 years. One night I was alone with the husband and he kissed me. I told my H but while it is true, it really was just a surprise on my part, we thought we worked through it but we did not work through the underlying issues. The truth is I was very alone in the marriage, H was too, and H pulled further away, we both had affairs and a lot of change was made in our relationship and life.

 

As for the friend, it's over, no more friendship. That is the way it is and honestly, you don't see this now but it's really not good to be hanging around with another couple drinking heavily. I do believe you if you say there was no attraction, but I am sure there was some loneliness on your part. Why did your husband leave you at the party? Not blaming him but pointing out that you both have a lot to work through.

She wanted to stay when he was leaving, he isnt her father and it's not his place to "make" her leave.

 

I just really disagree that she had no attraction. Her husband even feels there is, I'm betting he picked up some clues. But, honestly, what's she going to say when he asked her? Sure. I'm very attracted to him.

[S2B]

Can you clarify something...so the light came on that night when she caught you - yet you chose to stay the rest of the night there? Really?

 

I’m hearing all this “I feel guilt and shame”... what benefit do you get with guilt and shame? I’m seriously wanting an answer to that question. Somehow it must serve you well.

 

 

Love your husband alone. Stop trying to overcompensate for your bad behavior. Offer to go to MC with him. Find out what’s broken inside you that would cause you to do this to your husband.

 

You’re willing to fix this? Are you totally and completely willing to NEVER have alcohol again? That would be a great place to start since: I do stupid things while drunk. I get to blame my bad behavior (on some level) on alcohol.

 

 

Why didn’t you Uber home after you kissed him?

 

Why did you wait until the afternoon to disclose to your husband? You said you went home in the morning. Why didn’t you tell him the minute he was with you?

 

 

Sorry, I need loads of clarity... trying to make sense of some of this.

[AmIOK]

Just wanted to let you know that I was in this situation very recently. I posted a thread on this forum about it, but I don't know how to link it in this message.

 

The situation was very similar - I got VERY drunk and kissed someone's husband (I have a bf). Only the person whose husband I kissed was my best friend of over 15 years - we were more like sisters.

 

I don't agree with people who say 'alcohol simply lowers your inhibitions, so you do things you actually want to do when you're sober'. While I somewhat agree with the statement, as it CAN lead to that, I believe it lowers your inhibitions so you do things you want to do in that moment. For example, I went on a work night out a bit ago and had some drinks. I told one of my female coworkers that I loved her and thought she was amazing. I don't. I think she's a dick. I thought that before that night and I thought it after that night. But in that moment, while my brain was swimming in beer and my judgement was compromised, I though she was the best - and I felt like I needed to tell her that.

 

In my recent situation, I know I have never had any attraction to my friend's husband, not before that night or after that night. I don't even remember it happening, so I don't even know if I did at the time. All I know is that he kissed me a few times and I kissed him back. But it's certainly not something I've ever had any desire to do. I also know that, when sober, I would never want to do anything to hurt my friend - I love her.

 

I do understand why some people would say things like 'it doesn't matter how drunk I get, I wouldn't do that'. I understand because before that night, I would have said the same things. But you can't truly know what you're capable of when under the influence of alcohol. It may be legal, but it is still a mind-altering drug that affects judgment, decision-making abilities and the ability to understand consequences.

 

However, now that I do know how bad of an effect it can have, I don't drink anymore. And it's not like I wasn't much of a drinker before - for the last few years I have drank every single day. Giving up hasn't been easy, especially while I've been feeling so low over losing my best friend. But it's something I have to do. Before that night, I didn't quite understand the potential consequences of drinking. Now that I do, choosing to drink again would be choosing to risk becoming that person again. And from now on, I only want to be me.

Edited December 13, 2018 by AmIOK

[guilt-ridden]

Just wanted to let you know that I was in this situation very recently.

 

I don't agree with people who say 'alcohol simply lowers your inhibitions, so you do things you actually want to do when you're sober'. While I somewhat agree with the statement, as it CAN lead to that, I believe it lowers your inhibitions so you do things you want to do in that moment.

 

I do understand why some people would say things like 'it doesn't matter how drunk I get, I wouldn't do that'. I understand because before that night, I would have said the same things. But you can't truly know what you're capable of when under the influence of alcohol. It may be legal, but it is still a mind-altering drug that affects judgment, decision-making abilities and the ability to understand consequences.

 

However, now that I do know how bad of an effect it can have, I don't drink anymore. And it's not like I wasn't much of a drinker before - for the last few years I have drank every single day. Giving up hasn't been easy, especially while I've been feeling so low over losing my best friend. But it's something I have to do. Before that night, I didn't quite understand the potential consequences of drinking. Now that I do, choosing to drink again would be choosing to risk becoming that person again. And from now on, I only want to be me.

 

Thank you for this. This is an honest an open response. I didn't realize how many condescending remarks and/or responses that did nothing but criticize instead of offering advice would come through. Kudos to you for keeping up with the no booze. I'll be there with ya. Due to recent conversations I'm confident my husband and I will be okay. I will mourn the loss of my friend due to my actions forever though.

 

I feel as though there are more high horse responses on here, as opposed to open and genuine ones like yours (though, thank you to you and all the others who were honest and open without making me feel even worse about myself...) so I'm not sure if I'll keep coming back here to read them. If they're just going to make me feel even worse about myself I think there are better ways for me to cope. Best of luck to you on your future road.

[DKT3]

Thank you for this. This is an honest an open response. I didn't realize how many condescending remarks and/or responses that did nothing but criticize instead of offering advice would come through. Kudos to you for keeping up with the no booze. I'll be there with ya. Due to recent conversations I'm confident my husband and I will be okay. I will mourn the loss of my friend due to my actions forever though.

 

I feel as though there are more high horse responses on here, as opposed to open and genuine ones like yours (though, thank you to you and all the others who were honest and open without making me feel even worse about myself...) so I'm not sure if I'll keep coming back here to read them. If they're just going to make me feel even worse about myself I think there are better ways for me to cope. Best of luck to you on your future road.

 

Not high horse, experienced. When things like this happen they happen for a reason. Finding the reason is more important than trying to get your husband to accept what you've done. Simply blaming alcohol is disingenuous and long term does no good because there is a good chance it will be repeated.

 

Here is the problem, you have forever changed your marriage, your husband will never view you as he once did. Some of the small things he did for you will disappear, some of his boundaries will disappear, he will be naturally more distant. It's at the apex of this scenario that its important you really are honest about what happened and why. Your road just got rocky.

 

It's no surprise you only liked the comments were people didnt challenge you, agreement doesn't nature growth, it doesn't force you to dig deep and find introspection. it's easy, and judging from what you've posted you want easy

[guilt-ridden]

It's no surprise you only liked the comments were people didnt challenge you, agreement doesn't nature growth, it doesn't force you to dig deep and find introspection. it's easy, and judging from what you've posted you want easy

 

Actually, your comments were some of the ones I was actually able to take away something from. I'm talking about the comments that basically just reiterated that I had done something bad and didn't provide insight or advice one way or another. I didn't come on here just looking for a pat on the back and someone to say it's gonna be ok. Thought provoking insight is what was needed. I realize I effed up and there's a rough road ahead. As for your last comment about me wanting easy, well yeah, who wouldn't?! Does that mean I think it will be? Absolutely not.

 

But, thanks for reading my story and just assuming you know everything I'm thinking and what I feel about everything.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel as though there are more high horse responses on here, as opposed to open and genuine ones like yours (though, thank you to you and all the others who were honest and open without making me feel even worse about myself...) so I'm not sure if I'll keep coming back here to read them. If they're just going to make me feel even worse about myself I think there are better ways for me to cope.

 

But, thanks for reading my story and just assuming you know everything I'm thinking and what I feel about everything.

 

The posters you're denigrating are trying to reflect some of the pain and confusion your actions have caused your husband. To get your marriage back on track, you'll have to be more open to his feedback than you seem to be to ours.

 

Hope things work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AmIOK]

Not high horse, experienced. When things like this happen they happen for a reason. Finding the reason is more important than trying to get your husband to accept what you've done. Simply blaming alcohol is disingenuous and long term does no good because there is a good chance it will be repeated.

 

Here is the problem, you have forever changed your marriage, your husband will never view you as he once did. Some of the small things he did for you will disappear, some of his boundaries will disappear, he will be naturally more distant. It's at the apex of this scenario that its important you really are honest about what happened and why. Your road just got rocky.

 

It's no surprise you only liked the comments were people didnt challenge you, agreement doesn't nature growth, it doesn't force you to dig deep and find introspection. it's easy, and judging from what you've posted you want easy

 

That's a whole lot of certainty. You say you're speaking from experience, but that doesn't mean you can predict how another person will react to a similar situation.

 

To use myself as an example again: I have had boyfriends in the past who would have left me over less than what I did. My current boyfriend (who I've lived with for years) knows me deeply. In fact, he knows me better than anyone in this world. He therefore knows that he can trust me as long as I don't drink again. He also knows how truly remorseful I am and has even gone as far as to say that I'm punishing myself too much for what was one mistake while I was not in my right mind. My friend, who also knows me very well, has also been in touch to say she doesn't want to cut me out completely. Our friendship may never be the same again, but neither of us actually know how it will be.

 

I also don't think OP is being disingenuous by "blaming" the alcohol. If she knows hand-on-heart that she wouldn't have done that if she hadn't drank, then I think that should be taken into account. As I said though, now that she knows what might happen if she drinks, then if she chooses to drink again, she would be making a fully conscious decision to potentially put herself in that situation again.

[guilt-ridden]

The posters you're denigrating are trying to reflect some of the pain and confusion your actions have caused your husband. To get your marriage back on track, you'll have to be more open to his feedback than you seem to be to ours.

 

Hope things work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I guess I should have been more specific in my post to AmIOK. I’m referring to the posts that are going back and forth with each other not talking to me. Acting as though I’m not going to read or see those posts (or more likely just not caring). Or the ones that just say yup, you screwed up. Now there are consequences... like I don’t know this?! Do any of those provide thought provoking questions or insight? Absolutely not. In no way am I trying to minimize anyones feelings or experiences, let alone my husbands.

 

Here’s a curveball for you all to continue on with. Last night, my husband spoke to me. Started with in order to move forward... I was holding my breath waiting for him to say he wanted to separate for a while or something. No. He admitted to making out with another woman three years into our marriage. So, now I’m the WS and the BS. I’m not going to lie, at first I was relieved because he hasn’t been picture perfect all these years. He made a human mistake just like I did. But now I’m also having all the questions of who initiated, how long, where, yadda yadda. This information coming out makes me realize we’re going to make it through (with obvious hard work and talks). So, food for thought folks

[carhill]

We are passive and when in a marriage for a while, if you are lonely and someone jumps on you with passion for a kiss (and they are attractive of course), you kiss them back. For a moment you feel like a woman again.

Yep, and it's a moment and then it's done and life goes on. A pattern would be far more concerning to me, like if the OP was known for flirting with, kissing, and other more sexual stuff, with the men in her social group, or with one particular man in general. From her story, IMO she respects and loves her husband and her marriage and this was an anomaly. Treat it as such. Important, yes. A sign. Without the drinking part, it will be sign left behind on the road of life. Remembered, respected and in the past. Whatever consequences obtain are what they are. Accept them and move on.

 

On the 'feel like a woman' angle, OP do you feel like a woman with your H? Have that intimacy and perception of his desire for you? Or, do you find yourself starving for that? Him being unresponsive? If the former, far more likely to be a blip to respect and store away. If the latter, sounds like you have some marital issues to work on beyond a drunken kiss with a male friend. Oops, didn't see the latest post. Yup, some other stuff to work on.

[DKT3]

That's a whole lot of certainty. You say you're speaking from experience, but that doesn't mean you can predict how another person will react to a similar situation.

 

To use myself as an example again: I have had boyfriends in the past who would have left me over less than what I did. My current boyfriend (who I've lived with for years) knows me deeply. In fact, he knows me better than anyone in this world. He therefore knows that he can trust me as long as I don't drink again. He also knows how truly remorseful I am and has even gone as far as to say that I'm punishing myself too much for what was one mistake while I was not in my right mind. My friend, who also knows me very well, has also been in touch to say she doesn't want to cut me out completely. Our friendship may never be the same again, but neither of us actually know how it will be.

 

I also don't think OP is being disingenuous by "blaming" the alcohol. If she knows hand-on-heart that she wouldn't have done that if she hadn't drank, then I think that should be taken into account. As I said though, now that she knows what might happen if she drinks, then if she chooses to drink again, she would be making a fully conscious decision to potentially put herself in that situation again.

 

It's about how a person views sex and monogamy. Some dont hold it as highly.

 

I'm not saying that her marriage will fail because of this or she has committed some unforgivable crime. The way she was impacted by her husband knowing is a decent sign.

 

Yet, she needs to answer deeper questions to herself. What if the guys wife hadn't walked in?

 

Again, alcohol doesn't make you do things that is out of your character, it amplifies your personality and actions it doesn't create new ones. The difference is wanting to do something and not doing it because of the consequences vs going ahead and doing because the alcohol has liberated the guilt of consequences. Truth is we have to be honest with ourselves to truly prevent these things from repeating. Being honest with yourself means I dont have to give up drinking because I have dug to the bottom of why I really did what I did.

 

OP, having your husband confuse to having done the same thing doesn't ensure thing will be ok. You will find yourself questioning alot about what possible other things he withheld. How much did he actually do. You are both in the same boat now. A level playing field will make you feel less guilty but not less hurt once this really sinks in.

 

If we are being honest, I betting you only have the shortened version from your husband, just as he only has yours.

[brigit87]

I guess I should have been more specific in my post to AmIOK. I’m referring to the posts that are going back and forth with each other not talking to me. Acting as though I’m not going to read or see those posts (or more likely just not caring). Or the ones that just say yup, you screwed up. Now there are consequences... like I don’t know this?! Do any of those provide thought provoking questions or insight? Absolutely not. In no way am I trying to minimize anyones feelings or experiences, let alone my husbands.

 

Here’s a curveball for you all to continue on with. Last night, my husband spoke to me. Started with in order to move forward... I was holding my breath waiting for him to say he wanted to separate for a while or something. No. He admitted to making out with another woman three years into our marriage. So, now I’m the WS and the BS. I’m not going to lie, at first I was relieved because he hasn’t been picture perfect all these years. He made a human mistake just like I did. But now I’m also having all the questions of who initiated, how long, where, yadda yadda. This information coming out makes me realize we’re going to make it through (with obvious hard work and talks). So, food for thought folks

 

LOL. Now you're even. You can tell him lets both decide to forget about this and move forward.

 

You do have a bit of a drinking problem and should get into AA.

[AmIOK]

It's about how a person views sex and monogamy. Some dont hold it as highly.

 

I'm not saying that her marriage will fail because of this or she has committed some unforgivable crime. The way she was impacted by her husband knowing is a decent sign.

 

Yet, she needs to answer deeper questions to herself. What if the guys wife hadn't walked in?

 

Again, alcohol doesn't make you do things that is out of your character, it amplifies your personality and actions it doesn't create new ones. The difference is wanting to do something and not doing it because of the consequences vs going ahead and doing because the alcohol has liberated the guilt of consequences. Truth is we have to be honest with ourselves to truly prevent these things from repeating. Being honest with yourself means I dont have to give up drinking because I have dug to the bottom of why I really did what I did.

 

OP, having your husband confuse to having done the same thing doesn't ensure thing will be ok. You will find yourself questioning alot about what possible other things he withheld. How much did he actually do. You are both in the same boat now. A level playing field will make you feel less guilty but not less hurt once this really sinks in.

 

If we are being honest, I betting you only have the shortened version from your husband, just as he only has yours.

 

I do understand your point. But you say "alcohol doesn't make you do things that is out of your character, it amplifies your personality and actions it doesn't create new ones" as though it's a fact. What are you basing that on? Scientific evidence or your own personal experiences? Because if it's the latter, stating it as though it's a fact is incorrect.

 

In my opinion, alcohol can make a person act out of character. And I believe it can also, as you said, amplify a person's existing characteristics. I don't think it does simply make you do things that you want to do when you're sober but don't because of the consequence; I believe that under the influence, people may do things that they feel like doing in that moment without worrying about the consequences.

 

Another example: I once went on a night out and stole a traffic cone. Now, while it's true that I wouldn't do that while sober because I wouldn't want to get into trouble, I can honestly say that I have never looked at a traffic cone while sober and thought 'I must have one of those!'. But I stole it because at the time, for some reason, I wanted it and thought it would be a good idea to place it on my dining room table.

[standtall]

 

If we are being honest, I betting you only have the shortened version from your husband, just as he only has yours.

 

OP, this is an example of why you should watch yourself here. Somebody wants to start a fire for some reason.

 

You have your answers...you and your husband go and sin no more, watch the alcohol consumption, and get off this forum now.

 

DKT3...really...wtf?

[DKT3]

I do understand your point. But you say "alcohol doesn't make you do things that is out of your character, it amplifies your personality and actions it doesn't create new ones" as though it's a fact. What are you basing that on? Scientific evidence or your own personal experiences? Because if it's the latter, stating it as though it's a fact is incorrect.

 

In my opinion, alcohol can make a person act out of character. And I believe it can also, as you said, amplify a person's existing characteristics. I don't think it does simply make you do things that you want to do when you're sober but don't because of the consequence; I believe that under the influence, people may do things that they feel like doing in that moment without worrying about the consequences.

 

Another example: I once went on a night out and stole a traffic cone. Now, while it's true that I wouldn't do that while sober because I wouldn't want to get into trouble, I can honestly say that I have never looked at a traffic cone while sober and thought 'I must have one of those!'. But I stole it because at the time, for some reason, I wanted it and thought it would be a good idea to place it on my dining room table.

 

Taking the cone likely is in line with a person who's light hearted and has a sense of humor. Not necessarily a thief.

 

Its actually scientific fact that alcohol only alters a very small percentage of the populations brain chemistry. IE change your personality. Mostly if affects your motor skills, dulls your senses and lowers your inhibitions. Ie making you do things you otherwise wouldn't do to repercussions. Look it up

[DKT3]

OP, this is an example of why you should watch yourself here. Somebody wants to start a fire for some reason.

 

You have your answers...you and your husband go and sin no more, watch the alcohol consumption, and get off this forum now.

 

DKT3...really...wtf?

 

No fire, she already stated she is wondering. When people aren't honest with you it begins to make you question what else they haven't been honest about.

 

Blaming alcohol will keep her from searching for the deeper meaning. Were this some random dude at a bar it would be one thing. But it was a close friends husband in his home with her friend there. Something else is going on.

[AmIOK]

Its actually scientific fact that alcohol only alters a very small percentage of the populations brain chemistry. IE change your personality. Mostly if affects your motor skills, dulls your senses and lowers your inhibitions. Ie making you do things you otherwise wouldn't do to repercussions. Look it up

 

No need to be condescending. I was just asking what you were basing your statement on. I actually know quite a lot about the subject (and I disagree with your last statement too).

Edited December 13, 2018 by AmIOK

[brigit87]

No fire, she already stated she is wondering. When people aren't honest with you it begins to make you question what else they haven't been honest about.

 

Blaming alcohol will keep her from searching for the deeper meaning. Were this some random dude at a bar it would be one thing. But it was a close friends husband in his home with her friend there. Something else is going on.

 

To me it sounded like she has a bad alcohol problem and was kissing this guy and was so intoxicated didn't remember lots of stuff. If she was really trying to cheat wouldn't she do it in a place where she wouldn't get caught?

 

In any case OP alcohol isn't for you. That you need help for. If your husband kissed someone and you kissed someone well...whatever. Make a contract neither of you will do that again and get help for the drinking issue.

[standtall]

No fire, she already stated she is wondering. When people aren't honest with you it begins to make you question what else they haven't been honest about.

 

Blaming alcohol will keep her from searching for the deeper meaning. Were this some random dude at a bar it would be one thing. But it was a close friends husband in his home with her friend there. Something else is going on.

 

Personally, I think you're trying to blow this one up for your own personal amusement. Taking a vulnerable, guilty feeling wife and sowing more doubt based on nothing...tsk tsk.

 

If anything she has to watch the drinking.

 

OP run away.

[DKT3]

Personally, I think you're trying to blow this one up for your own personal amusement. Taking a vulnerable, guilty feeling wife and sowing more doubt based on nothing...tsk tsk.

 

If anything she has to watch the drinking.

 

OP run away.

 

Are you actually reading? What I'm I trying to blow up?

 

And being someone who has been through this, there is nothing amusing about infidelity and broken trust.

 

Maybe for you it's no big deal, but for her it clearly is. Those who have traveled this road and been successful will tell you there is no room for ignoring or downplaying. It only comes back to get you later.

[standtall]

Are you actually reading? What I'm I trying to blow up?

 

And being someone who has been through this, there is nothing amusing about infidelity and broken trust.

 

Maybe for you it's no big deal, but for her it clearly is. Those who have traveled this road and been successful will tell you there is no room for ignoring or downplaying. It only comes back to get you later.

 

I did read it. I get it, your wife must of cheated on you ...like a lot more than kissing, so everyone's SO must follow the same narrative. I don't think so in this case, and neither does she...but you keep pushing. You gotta get that last dig in...the last word... "like something else is going on" with absolutely no indication there is. It is as if you're trying to extract a confession from her so you can beat her up. Sure, you're entitled to your opinion like the rest of us, but at this point it is no longer helpful because you're beating a dead horse. Come on be honest here...sometimes smoke is just smoke.

[William]

OK, let's move on from the tit-for-tat and get back to the topic, and focus on the narrative as presented by the topic starter. Thanks!