Having a bad day today

[nolanola]

I echo everything Beach said and I would also add that the dumper has the advantage of being in control. He knows you're heartbroken and in pain. I do agree that he likely feels bad and guilty, but he feels like you're there sitting and waiting for him. There is some ego involved there on his part. I don't necessarily think all this is conscious, because I don't necessarily think all exes are evil, terrible people plotting to break our hearts and to mess us up. However, I do think they feel a sense of comfort in facing the unknown and scary world because they know we (their dumped ex) are heartbroken and want to be with them. There's a security there and a sense of a "fallback". I know because I've also been the dumper, in addition to being the dumpee. I think this is why you often see the dumper come back, wanting to get back together, when the dumpee finally is able to move on with their life.

 

If it's any comfort to you, I feel the exact same way as you do. It hurts so badly to think someone I cared about so much has forgotten about me or that I never meant anything. I don't REALLY think that's true, but it feels true. I'm just moving forward as best I can and trying to accept that this process is going to suck a lot, until one day it won't suck as much. Let those sucky times happen, feel them, do what you need to do so they suck less (go for a walk, exercise, talk to a friend, go for a drive, listen to bad music), and just wait. Those really really bad feelings will go away if you wait on them and don't do anything (like call him).

Edited January 3, 2019 by nolanola

[Beachead]

I echo everything Beach said and I would also add that the dumper has the advantage of being in control. He knows you're heartbroken and in pain. I do agree that he likely feels bad and guilty, but he feels like you're there sitting and waiting for him. There is some ego involved there on his part. I don't necessarily think all this is conscious, because I don't necessarily think all exes are evil, terrible people plotting to break our hearts and to mess us up. However, I do think they feel a sense of comfort in facing the unknown and scary world because they know we (their dumped ex) are heartbroken and want to be with them. There's a security there and a sense of a "fallback". I know because I've also been the dumper, in addition to being the dumpee. I think this is why you often see the dumper come back, wanting to get back together, when the dumpee finally is able to move on with their life.

 

If it's any comfort to you, I feel the exact same way as you do. It hurts so badly to think someone I cared about so much has forgotten about me or that I never meant anything. I don't REALLY think that's true, but it feels true. I'm just moving forward as best I can and trying to accept that this process is going to suck a lot, until one day it won't suck as much. Let those sucky times happen, feel them, do what you need to do so they suck less (go for a walk, exercise, talk to a friend, go for a drive, listen to bad music), and just wait. Those really really bad feelings will go away if you wait on them and don't do anything (like call him).

 

Exactly. The dumper has the added advantage of being the lead in the breakup. They know what the next move is. They know what they want. They know that you didn't want the breakup and that you wanted to be with them and that is a comfort to them when they face the unfamiliar..because they know, they can always just come back to you and you'll take them back. They know it.

 

As Nolanola mentioned, by sticking around, responding to them and being there for them after a breakup, you're giving them more comfort, more confidence, more strength, more control..all of which they will use to help them find the life they want...and in that process you actually devalue yourself. It's not always conscious on their part. Some people aren't even aware they're doing it to us. Maybe because they're young and inexperienced in relationships and therefore lack perspective. Maybe they've never had some time to reflect on themselves and understand what's going on inside.

 

Having said that, that doesn't mean that you sit there entertaining it. It is extremely harmful to your well-being. This is the point where you must take charge of yourself and disconnect from them for yourself. And this is not to play games..not to try and win them over..but to help yourself heal and get back to a healthy state of mind so that you can rebuild a healthy life. If we don't do this, they may end up being the reason that could cost us a possibly great future relationship, or future friendships, a future job, having us make decisions that are bad for us. It's not about them at all. This is about what's best for you.

 

- Beach

[PolyPocket]

If it's any comfort to you, I feel the exact same way as you do. It hurts so badly to think someone I cared about so much has forgotten about me or that I never meant anything. I don't REALLY think that's true, but it feels true. I'm just moving forward as best I can and trying to accept that this process is going to suck a lot, until one day it won't suck as much. Let those sucky times happen, feel them, do what you need to do so they suck less (go for a walk, exercise, talk to a friend, go for a drive, listen to bad music), and just wait. Those really really bad feelings will go away if you wait on them and don't do anything (like call him).

 

I agree with this completely with my current situation, but if it makes you feel any better, with my current ex that I'm in NC with, I actually am the dumper.......sorta. What made my situation tricky was that I left because he pushed me away, so it's a bit like knowing that if I hadn't ended it, he would've. It may not at all sound good to say this, but I had to "beat him at his own game" if he was going to be on his way to hurt me completely anyway.

 

Now it's not completely fair to say that I'm on the dumper side, because truth be told my feelings for him is stronger than anything he could've felt for me, so it does go back to how much you still felt for that person at the time of the break up. Like most said here, you were still invested while he was not, and that's why it hurts and felt like they didn't care. Part of me thinks they know what they're missing, and someday they may feel it completely, but right now their heads are ruling above their hearts so it seems easier for them to detach. Give yourself some time dear. You will heal too.....all of us will....but you have to be kind to yourself and be ok with feeling what you feel. This isn't about how "fast" he moves on, this is about you moving on and healing completely, and sometimes it does take some time. Like one of my favorite songs from The Script, "when a heart breaks, they don't break even".

[Noemiforever43]

Hi everyone,

I’m having a really hard time today. It’s been about 5 weeks since my break up (full story in my other post), and I feel like I’m not making any progress and I’m not feeling any better. I’m so sick of being sad, I’m sick of thinking about my ex and I’m still so confused as to why this has all happened. I know I need to accept what has happened but I’m having trouble doing so. Am I still in denial? How do I move forward, or even start to want to move forward? Help!

 

I know the feeling I am in the same boat, as for me the best way to get over a break up, is to stay busy, make new friends and always think positive...hope that works for you

[TheBetterPerson]

@Charlierose30, well done on deactivating FB. I had my ex blocked on that account by we had about 60 mutual friends that I wasn't too keen on deleting. Instead I just deactivated. Now I only have Instagram (where we have few mutual friends) and for the foreseeable future I will be keeping it that way. My ex hasn't reached out in any sense though if you recall my situation I have made it pretty impossible for her to get a hold of me. So far it's done me good. It hasn't stopped me from fantasizing about my ex reaching out, but it's important to close that door, at least for now, maybe forever. As long as we feel this way it's not going to help whether they come back or not. Some of our exes do things that cannot repair what's been done, not anytime soon for sure. {snip}

 

 

Endnote, you always have the best things to say!!!

Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Charlierose30]

I keep having these dreams, every night. That we’re still together. And every morning I wake up and it’s such a painful realisation that none of it is true. Each morning I have to remind myself what has happened, what he has done, and that this is real life.

 

I still have moments where I can’t believe he has chosen this. That this is his preference. I feel like I’ve been having these moments all along, and I want them to stop. I want to accept this and for my brain to stop trying to trick me into thinking this is all a big mistake. Because it’s so clearly not for him. Even though I can’t believe he did this to me, to us, he did.

[Twizzlestick]

I keep having these dreams, every night. That we’re still together. And every morning I wake up and it’s such a painful realisation that none of it is true. Each morning I have to remind myself what has happened, what he has done, and that this is real life.

 

I still have moments where I can’t believe he has chosen this. That this is his preference. I feel like I’ve been having these moments all along, and I want them to stop. I want to accept this and for my brain to stop trying to trick me into thinking this is all a big mistake. Because it’s so clearly not for him. Even though I can’t believe he did this to me, to us, he did.

 

I have this. It’s hideous. In my dreams it’s loss. I dream I’m losing her. Either trying in vain to find her, or even in one she passed on and the aftermath.It’s my mind playing grief. I tell myself it’s the mind dealing with it even when I’m asleep, as much as it hurts like hell. The one where she passed had me in bits when I woke up because instead of relief that it was a dream, it was relief she was still safe, met with sudden pain that I had still effectively lost her.

 

You get that few seconds after you wake of not remembering and then it hits. Awful. I feel what you’re saying.

[Beachead]

I keep having these dreams, every night. That we’re still together. And every morning I wake up and it’s such a painful realisation that none of it is true. Each morning I have to remind myself what has happened, what he has done, and that this is real life.

 

I still have moments where I can’t believe he has chosen this. That this is his preference. I feel like I’ve been having these moments all along, and I want them to stop. I want to accept this and for my brain to stop trying to trick me into thinking this is all a big mistake. Because it’s so clearly not for him. Even though I can’t believe he did this to me, to us, he did.

 

I know the dreams. There were a lot of sleepless, tearful nights for me in the past. Whether it was night of dreams or a dreamless night, I would always wake up thinking about my ex, going through everything again. The thoughts were terrible throughout the day. As time passed, the days became easier to manage it was the morning and nights that remained hard. Then those started to quiet down as well. Been through the process a lot in my life unfortunately but because I've have been through it, I know how it works and what eventually happens.

 

You can't see it right now, but time and life lived will help those dreams and everything subside. Just make sure that you are getting yourself out of bed and doing a few things during the day. Don't remain bedridden. The simplest tasks probably take a lot out of you these days so keep it simple. Grab a warm tea or a coffee (Just make sure it's not 6 hours before bed as the caffeine can interfere with sleep and worsen the dreams). Take a warm shower. Go for a drive. Go for a walk. Hit the gym. Maybe do a few errands or do a little bit of shopping. Things like that.

Edited January 7, 2019 by Beachead

[vla1120]

I didn't talk to a professional until last year so a lot of what I learned came from alone time, self-reflection and trial and error. I know loss very well. Been through 3 breakups, people I considered friends have let me go, and I've had to let go of others as well for my mental health. Spent most of my life on my own learning to fight for myself. This is a long post but hope you find some merit in it.<snip>

 

I could not have read this at a better time. I was just coming out here to post something about my situation. I read this advice, and I know it's correct. I've been having trouble getting motivated to take these steps. I already journalize, but have not been quite as diligent as I should be, so I started that up again today. I'll try to add one more thing every few days (or once a week). Thank you for sharing this very valuable advice, Beach!

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Beachead]

Hey vla1120,

 

That's what it's there for. For anyone who can benefit from it. Glad it services you well .

 

Write everyday if you wish to or write whenever you feel like it. It's completely up to you and that's the beauty of journaling. It's just for you and nobody else. No external pressure or expectations. No judgements. Nothing. Just freedom to express how you truly feel about your circumstances. Later on, you can add a little more focus to it.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of immediately preceding post

[Charlierose30]

The last few days I’ve been really struggling with the lack of closure and the unanswered questions. I feel as though by going no contact and staying silent, I’m somehow condoning the horrible and cruel way he broke up with me. That by walking away and leaving him be, that somehow he has ‘won’. I almost phoned him earlier because I started to feel so angry that for him there have been no consqequences.

 

I uprooted my whole life to be with him, at his request. Then, when he didn’t want that anymore, I left. At the time I was so shocked at what was happening that I didnt get to say what I now feel like I need to. There are times that I’m so angry that I have to literally talk myself out of phoning him and telling him how much he hurt me. How do I gain closure during no contact? How do I ensure he knows that the way he treated me was unacceptable? It’s driving me to distraction.

[Beachead]

It's up to you Charlierose30. It all depends. I would discourage it but I also understand why you would want to or need to.

 

A lot of people on here will advise you not to. I would say, do it if you feel like you need to but think about it before you do it.

 

Make sure you don't say anything you are going to regret. At the end of the day, know that it wont change anything. They know they hurt you. You don't have to tell them. They know. And their silence is everything you need to know because it answers everything. So your contacting them is for you to hear what you already know. And know that they won't magically change their mind and get back together with you. At best, you'll get a sorry, a cold reply..maybe even a lack of reply. It might even make you feel worse. Also, if you regret it, it might make you want to apologize. If you apologize and they give you a less than desirable response (Which will always be the case because desirable is them wanting to get back together with you and it won't be that), you might get angry again. Can trigger a cycle that can keep you stuck.

 

You need to make sure you know yourself. Make sure you've thought it through and promise yourself that no matter what, you're not going to regret saying what you're planning to say because once you say it, you can't take it back. Impulsiveness will harm you. So I would take a month. Journal it out. Talk to us. Talk to a therapist. Talk to a friend. Anyone but him. If at the end of the month, you feel the same or even worse..then do it.

 

Because sometimes, we just need to let it out.

 

There was a time when I contacted my ex, after breaking up. She broke up with me leaving things open ended, planting these seeds of hope that maybe one day, we'll get back together. She would message me time to time as well, to make things worse. At that time, I was considerably weak. I never blocked her because I didn't have the strength to. I always responded to her. And because I so desperately wanted to get back together with her, I held onto that hope and made those little breadcrumbs what I wanted it to be. It tore me apart for 5 months until it was all too much and I couldn't go another day. Needed to hear from her own mouth, some things. I needed her to burn me. So I got her to call me. I asked her what I needed to ask her. She said her peace, I cried. It was horrible. But after a week, it was as though a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. No more false hope. No more wondering. I knew it was her. Not me. The doubts and the guilt was gone. After that, I started sleeping better than I ever had in months.

 

In this case, it worked. So it's conditional.

 

- Beach

Edited January 10, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

The last few days I’ve been really struggling with the lack of closure and the unanswered questions. I feel as though by going no contact and staying silent, I’m somehow condoning the horrible and cruel way he broke up with me. That by walking away and leaving him be, that somehow he has ‘won’. I almost phoned him earlier because I started to feel so angry that for him there have been no consqequences.

 

I uprooted my whole life to be with him, at his request. Then, when he didn’t want that anymore, I left. At the time I was so shocked at what was happening that I didnt get to say what I now feel like I need to. There are times that I’m so angry that I have to literally talk myself out of phoning him and telling him how much he hurt me. How do I gain closure during no contact? How do I ensure he knows that the way he treated me was unacceptable? It’s driving me to distraction.

 

 

I won't tell you to call him or not. But, I would ask you to think about what you want and prepare yourself for all outcomes. If you truly just want to get some things off your chest, you can certainly call him or email him and just get everything out. I think if you call, you might set yourself up for a frustrating situation depending on his response (or lack of one). What if he gets angry or says something hurtful to you? Do you think that would set you back? If you send an email, it takes some of the emotion out of it, but he may something back that is upsetting. Or he may not respond at all.

 

I think one of the hardest things is that we want closure from our ex. I'm really not sure what that means though. Because if you're able to tell them everything that you're thinking or feeling, will you feel better? If you ask them why but they can't tell you or give you a vague answer will you feel better? For me, sometimes I get really angry too and think of mean and hurtful things I want to say to him. When I was driving the other day, I started talking out loud in the car as if I was talking to him. I just felt like I wanted to get all that out. On some level, I wish he knew how much he hurt my feelings.

 

I understand your anger and I think it's justified. I would be furious, in addition to all the other emotions of loss and hurt. I just don't want you to set yourself back after you've been doing so well. Maybe take a few days and see if you still want to contact him after you've been able to think about it. Or write him a letter (or email) and sit on it for a few days. Give yourself a chance to re-read your thoughts after this wave of anger has subsided a little bit.

[gcp]

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are still thinking of him. In a weird way it might boost his ego, even if you are angry.

[Charlierose30]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

 

 

Nolaola, you are right. It would set me back. I'm going to give myself a few days/weeks to try and cool down. For me right now, it is too raw and I am still far too emotional about everything to even attempt to have a constructive conversation. And deep down I really don't think I will get what I want from him, I would most likely end up feeling much, much worse. As you say Beach, I do know myself and I know I would more than likely say something I regret.

 

 

I think in part this all stems from feeling so powerless. I feel like I need some sort of redemption and to let him know that I'm not someone he can just throw away without a second glance back. I know going no contact is the best decision in the long run, and for the most part I'm proud of myself that I haven't reached out to him. However, it is also the passive option and therefore it feels like I'm letting him walk all over me again by not speaking up.

 

 

I think writing him a letter will really help, although I won't send it anytime soon.

Edited January 11, 2019 by Charlierose30

[nolanola]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

 

 

Nolaola, you are right. It would set me back. I'm going to give myself a few days/weeks to try and cool down. For me right now, it is too raw and I am still far too emotional about everything to even attempt to have a constructive conversation. And deep down I really don't think I will get what I want from him, I would most likely end up feeling much, much worse. As you say Beach, I do know myself and I know I would more than likely say something I regret.

 

 

I think in part this all stems from feeling so powerless. I feel like I need some sort of redemption and to let him know that I'm not someone he can just throw away without a second glance back. I know going no contact is the best decision in the long run, and for the most part I'm proud of myself that I haven't reached out to him. However, it is also the passive option and therefore it feels like I'm letting him walk all over me again by not speaking up.

 

 

I think writing him a letter will really help, although I won't send it anytime soon.

 

OMG Charlierose30, this hit home with me so hard. I feel exactly the same and I think this probably explains why we want "closure". We want to take some power back. We want to say something that will make them see how they have hurt us or to make them feel bad.

 

Honestly though I'm sure what my ex could say that would make up for the hurt that he caused me. As you mention, emotions are really raw right now. It's possible once that raw emotion settles down that you might be able to talk to him again. The longer I stay in NC (10 weeks today, I think ) the more I feel like I'm not ready to talk to him. I feel sad that he's not in my life anymore because there were things about him that I loved and admired but I just know that there is no way I could be in touch with him as his friend because it would hurt too much right now. A friend of mine from graduate school broke up with her college boyfriend but kept in touch with him for a while. Then I think he started dating other people and hurt her really badly. She told him she couldn't talk to him again until she didn't think about him every day. I think about that all the time. Because I know I can't talk to my ex right now. I'm so hurt. And I wish I could be his friend because I would love to be a part of it, but it's too hard. And I think I just feel so sad and angry about it all. That would be all I could see. It sucks a lot.

 

Even though it feels passive to go NC, I think it's actually active. Silence speaks pretty loudly, I think. Especially once he starts paying attention and wondering what happened to you. He will miss the ego stroke of someone paying attention to him if nothing else. I actually think NC is much more powerful than yelling at someone or telling them how they hurt you. Because those things say "I still care about you and you can push my buttons". When you are NC, they don't know what you think. Have you moved on? Forgotten about them? Fallen in love with someone else? They have no idea. Focus on that and I think the healing will naturally start to happen.

 

I do feel better. I've been really busy lately and it's been really good. I've had less time to think about him and how angry and sad I am. Or maybe it's just the passage of time. Hang in there.

[Beachead]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

 

 

Nolaola, you are right. It would set me back. I'm going to give myself a few days/weeks to try and cool down. For me right now, it is too raw and I am still far too emotional about everything to even attempt to have a constructive conversation. And deep down I really don't think I will get what I want from him, I would most likely end up feeling much, much worse. As you say Beach, I do know myself and I know I would more than likely say something I regret.

 

 

I think in part this all stems from feeling so powerless. I feel like I need some sort of redemption and to let him know that I'm not someone he can just throw away without a second glance back. I know going no contact is the best decision in the long run, and for the most part I'm proud of myself that I haven't reached out to him. However, it is also the passive option and therefore it feels like I'm letting him walk all over me again by not speaking up.

 

 

I think writing him a letter will really help, although I won't send it anytime soon.

 

The last girl I was with told me she loved me only for us to break up 2 weeks later. 2 days after that, she went back to her ex.

She cut me out and eventually married him and they moved away and bought a house from what I had the misfortunate of hearing. This was a guy she complained about the whole time with me. Said some awful things about him too. I know now, she was only sorting her thoughts out and I was just a pitstop but back then, she didn't paint that kind of picture with me. I trusted her. Took me a long time to accept that I never had any chance whatsoever and that what we had was nothing but a rebound. And in the end, she wound up getting everything she wanted while I for the 10th time or something like that in my life, had to accept loss and let go. Powerless was definitely one word to describe how I felt.

 

Anyway, back then, I used to journal often. In one of those journals I wrote a long message to her. I took the draft and moved it to whatsapp. But before I did that, I shut my data and my wifi off so that I wouldn't accidentally press the wrong button and have it send. The message just sat there in limbo under her name. The act of sending it to her (Even though I didn't) helped me understand how I'd feel if I actually sent it. For one..I came real close to switching on the wifi. All it took was a tap. Wrestled with the thought for hours but ultimately decided not to because I envisioned the kind dry responses she would give me that would make me feel stupid and worthless. It would be followed by a argument, that would would spawn a tsunami of regret. I ended up deleting the message..but it still sits in one of my journals as a reminder.

 

Just little techniques to help you sort your thoughts out. But, I caution you to make sure your wifi and data are off on your phone if you try it.

 

- Beach

Edited January 11, 2019 by Beachead

[PolyPocket]

Hi Charlierose30, I’m sorry that your heart feels so heavy right now, and you described what most of us here are feeling with one word: powerless.

I find myself also in the same situation as you. There’s always a feeling of wanting to reach out to my ex and release all the anger and pain he’s caused me to get closure because, like you, I also worried he’s out there having the time of his life while I’m here hurting. Why should he feel relief of not having me, when he’s the one who has hurt me? I completely get where you’re coming from.

 

Truth is, it may seem that you let him off the hook easy by just walking away and doing NC abruptly, but it that was never really about him. No one here knows if he’s really walking away from this break-up unscathed, that’s just all assumption, but we know how it’s been for YOU. We all know you need some time to heal, so use NC to your advantage and focus on that. In the end, it matters not what he thinks and how he’s handling the break up. What matters is how you’re coping with not having him in your life any more.

 

If you think it will get you the closure you need, you are free to reach out of course. But keep in mind that closures don’t always come in pretty packages either. Sometimes it’s a harder pill to swallow, so be prepared for a possible setback. Journaling is a great alternative, as most have pointed out. It helps you release all of your emotions without the risk that comes with breaking NC.

Edited January 11, 2019 by PolyPocket

[Endnote]

I'm sorry @Charlierose30 for how you've been feeling lately. Closure has never been something I've gotten from any ex or former friend, it's always been something that came with time, and a lot of self-love and reflection. I've been journaling for months now. And the things I journal change week to week, though I've looked back at some of the things I wrote down either in anger or depression and thought "well this sounds ridiculous now!". I just don't feel as bad now as I did for the first two months of NC, but I can look at some of the things I wrote and say "I can't believe I was this bad!". One thing my therapist told me when I first was going through this breakup was to write a letter, but never send it. Pour all the emotion that you want into it, but include things that you normally wouldn't say to anyone, terrible things, even, but never send it, and burn it eventually.

 

 

 

I decided not to go through with it though she told me it has helped many of her patients. Maybe eventually I will, when I'm less emotionally volatile. But again, I'll never send it. She did also say that if I ever tried to speak to my ex again in a situation where I would be the person reaching out it should be when I'm at a point where I am completely indifferent and no longer care about her in any way, (though that time may never come). I found that to be solid advice, and it reflects what I felt was the right thing to do during my divorce years ago. Ultimately, the best thing I took out of my divorce was not only that over time did NC make me feel ultimately in control, it turned out to be the greatest thing I accomplished as time went on. It's a marathon, not a sprint. My 2 cents (and my therapist's, I guess).

 

 

- Endnote (4.5 months NC woo woo!)

[Charlierose30]

Thanks everyone for all the support. Now that I’ve calmed down a bit I’m so relieved that I didn’t get in touch with him. It would have opened up a whole new world of pain for me. Maybe in time and when I’m stronger I can revisit that idea.

 

I’ve been missing him a lot the last few days. I think I’ve been so focused on getting through Christmas and New Years and now they are over reality seems to be hitting me again. Also, we had a trip home for a wedding and to see my family planned for next week so I think that’s adding to my anxiety. Now, I am already home because we broke up and I can’t stop thinking that he should be here with me, or that if we hadn’t broken up how excited we would be getting about going away. I’m back to thinking “I can’t believe he actually did this” again. Urgh it’s never ending!

Edited January 12, 2019 by Charlierose30

[Charlierose30]

I really miss him. I miss my best friend. Even though towards the end our relationship was stressful and I wasn’t treated nicely, I still miss him. I wish he was here and coming to this wedding with me like we had planned. I can’t help wondering if he misses me as much as I do him. But I think I know the answer to that. Sad day today.

[nolanola]

Hi Charlierose30. I'm right there with you today. I had been feeling really good lately, like I was really getting better. In fact, last night, I was feeling like I was actually moving on. But today I'm back in the dumps. I wish I knew better what drives it, other than just the healing process. When I went through my last earth shattering break-up, I didn't keep a journal at the time, so I can't go back and see my thoughts. In my memory, I remember it taking a really, really long time to start feeling better. Maybe like 6 months? But I can't remember this up and down so much.

 

All I know to do is to just keep going with what I'm doing. Sticking to NC. Writing in my journal. Reading things on LS -- a lot of stories make me feel grateful that I'm not in those situations and sometimes there are some real happy stories, as far as people being able to move on. Trying to keep busy with other things. Focusing on bettering myself as much as I can. I wish there was some magic bullet that would fix all these feelings so I could just jump to the end.

 

One thing I was thinking tonight is that even though this sucks right now, I am glad that I will not spend another year stuck in limbo with a man that can't commit. I've cut that off and that was a herculean feat for me. I think you should regard your behavior the same way. This guy did you wrong, but you've been able to keep your distance and that is NOT easy. You've done it despite feeling guilty about what he thinks or if he's mad at you. That is HUGE!!! We are making progress, even if we feel sad.

[Charlierose30]

This guy did you wrong, but you've been able to keep your distance and that is NOT easy. You've done it despite feeling guilty about what he thinks or if he's mad at you. That is HUGE!!! We are making progress, even if we feel sad.

 

Thank you NOLA! I needed to hear this. It is huge. What you’ve done and how far you’ve come is huge too. We need to try and remember that.

 

I had been feeling a bit better too, and then all of a sudden I’m back feeling depressed and hopeless. It really is true that this is not a linear process. I so badly wish there was a magic little pill I could take to take me feel better, and like myself again. I was with my brother recently and he was joking around and being silly. I started laughing at him and he stopped and said “I haven’t heard you laugh like that in a long time”. It stopped me on my tracks. I felt so sad for myself. Sometimes this process just seems too hard, too overwhelming. I would love just one day off to feel like myself again!

[Beachead]

I really miss him. I miss my best friend. Even though towards the end our relationship was stressful and I wasn’t treated nicely, I still miss him. I wish he was here and coming to this wedding with me like we had planned. I can’t help wondering if he misses me as much as I do him. But I think I know the answer to that. Sad day today.

 

When I was with my ex back in 2017, my friend told me he was getting married in 2018. I told him to leave a plus one for me and her. It was an act of faith. Not something I ever did anymore because of the past. But with her, I decided to let go of it all and give it a try. She broke up with me not long after.

 

Well, a year passed by and his wedding arrived and I ended up going to it solo. It was an awesome day but I couldn't help but remember that one day I decided to show some faith this thing, and how she wasn't with me..but now married to her ex. It was a lot.

 

I know how you feel. It's sh*tty. But, one thing I noticed was that the hurt pushed me in the direction I had to go in. Helped me embrace the reality of things just a little bit more as well. It's all a process and it all matters.

 

- Beach

Edited January 16, 2019 by Beachead

[gcp]

Charlierose, I remember reading your break up thread, but I just read it again. What he did was not at all right or fair. It was down right cruel. But you handled it with so much grace, and you need to be proud of that. You handled the situation you were given way better than I did.

 

I think you're doing great, the only keeping me on NC is my stupid male pride. I remind myself I haven't contacted her yet, and if I do in some weird way its like I have lost. Not that this is a game, but it helps me from sending an email or giving her a call.

 

Keep strong, love yourself, some MAN out there will appreciate all that you have to offer and he will never put you through what this other has.