Having a bad day today

[Beachead]

Hi Beached,

Thank you so much for spelling it out for me, that makes complete sense. I’ve actually never really dumped anyone (aside from short term flings) so I’m having difficulty seeing things from his perspective and understanding how his head was working at the time. This helps.

I guess the other thing that bothers me now is the fact that he didn’t have the guts to tell me before I packed my whole life up and moved overseas for him. Don’t get me wrong, I still would have been devastated if he had wanted to go without me, but at least I’d have some sense of normality still. And at least in time, I’d be able to look back and think ‘he did the right thing’. I don’t think I’ll get there with the way things actually went down. It was too cruel.

 

I know how you feel.

 

I was with someone a long time ago. We were together for about 8 months. 5 months were spent together and the other 3 was spent in long distance because she had to leave for med school in the Caribbean. I loved her. Thought she felt the same.

 

But after she left, it didn't take long for her to change. She became distant and angry. Everytime I messaged, it was as though I was an irritation. Things went on for 3 months like this and got worse and eventually the night before her she was supposed to come back home for her break, she broke up with me on Whatsapp. Not in person, not even a phone call. Just a message.

 

I was angry with her for a long time and felt as you did about your ex making you fly out there. Didn't care to see her perspective. I had been burned so much in my life by so many people, I had passed my limits with caring about. Nobody cared about me so I didn't care about them or what they were going through. F*ck em. That was my mentality.

 

But time went on and the anger dissipated and I started to gain clarity. I learned things.

 

Her anger was really her guilt of knowing she'd have to end it. She knew what she did. She knew all the great things she said and the promises she made and how she'd have to break them. She knew I never did her wrong. She was pissed at herself and everytime I talked to her, I reminded her of all of it. It was a tough decision which is why she took so long to get to it. For her, med school was a full-time deal, and it was a prior committment which her parents ended up paying a lot of money for, before meeting me. We were long distance and we had just begun our relationship. School and family came first. I had no chance. And there were other things going on in her life and things from the past she never dealt with that were there affecting her decisions.

 

Took me a long time to understand this about her and the situation. But before I could understand, I needed to be angry. I needed to hate her.

 

You need to feel what you feel as well. Its okay.

 

He knows what he did. He knows he hurt you. He just doesn't want to think about it right now. For him, he broke his shackles and freed himself from the guilt of continuing to hurt you and the lie he was living. If you contact him, he'll just be distant with you because you remind him of what he did and he doesn't want to think about it. But time will pass by and the benefit of keeping busy will wear and he'll start to think about the whole situation again.

 

Always remember, you gave him your best and he took that, evaluated everything and made a decision that you were not what he was looking for. So if he ever comes back, it will likely be for self-serving reasons that are more about him, and less about you. Maybe just to apologize and to friends to soothe his guilt and make things right. Maybe he might come back because he's lonely. Things of this nature. If he does this, keep your guard up, protect yourself, remember this pain and think real carefully about whether you want to reopen that door.

 

Don't hope for reconciliation. As right now, you have to concentrate on the facts. He's gone and he may never come back and you have to work on moving forward now.

 

- Beach

Edited December 20, 2018 by Beachead

[Charlierose30]

Thanks guys. Everything you’ve said is exactly what I need to hear. It all makes sense, sometimes it helps to have someone else spell it out to you in order for it to sink in.

Weirdly, he messaged me just before, out of the blue. Asking something about some future plans we had made and whether i had cancelled. I’m really angry! I haven’t heard from him in over a week and now he messages me and is so cold. No “how are you/hope you’re ok” etc. Nothing. Like we are complete strangers. I feel he could at least be a decent human and pretend to care how I am. I sound like a bit of a mad woman, but I needed to vent. Why is he being like this?

[nolanola]

Beachead makes some really good points and that was what I was trying to say. He knows he's been a jerk and I'm sure that's not a nice way to feel about yourself.

 

Honestly, I think of this type of text as "taking your temperature". He's trying to see if you're still pissed at him. Is he still the bad guy? You're asking why he doesn't seem concerned about you -- because this text is all about HIM. Making him feel better because hopefully you'll respond in a friendly-ish way and he can feel ok about himself again. My opinion? Don't answer that BS. If he wants to have a real conversation about what happened, how you feel, or if he wants to apologize, he can say that. But this message? Total BS.

[Beachead]

Thanks guys. Everything you’ve said is exactly what I need to hear. It all makes sense, sometimes it helps to have someone else spell it out to you in order for it to sink in.

Weirdly, he messaged me just before, out of the blue. Asking something about some future plans we had made and whether i had cancelled. I’m really angry! I haven’t heard from him in over a week and now he messages me and is so cold. No “how are you/hope you’re ok” etc. Nothing. Like we are complete strangers. I feel he could at least be a decent human and pretend to care how I am. I sound like a bit of a mad woman, but I needed to vent. Why is he being like this?

 

He is only thinking about himself. His contact is self-serving.

 

Could be guilt for hurting you that he is trying to soothe. Could be that he's unsure if he's made the right decision and is attempting to keep tabs on you and keep you around just in case he wants to come back. Could be he's keeping you as a backup while he is trying out other people. Whatever it is, it is more for him, and less for you and is thus unfair to you.

 

He broke up with you. The business between you two is over at this point. That is what he wanted. He doesn't get to choose the parts of you he wants to keep. People can't turn off their feelings overnight. It's a package deal. If he chose to leave, he loses everything and that's how you should go about it. If he wants a friendship, too bad. It's not possible right now because feelings are tied to it which makes it insincere. Every interaction you two share will be done with alterior motives. Until those feelings are gone and you are able to live life and find your smile without him, this will continue to remain true.

 

So make sure you don't teach him that its okay to disrespect you by being okay with him breaking your heart and then allowing him to stay in contact with you. It damaging to your state of mind and it will delay your healing. You have a life you have to live. You have people who need you. You need you. And he is zapping all your energy away so that you have none left to tend to these things.

 

You can ignore him or you can let him know that if he broke up with you, it's fine, but you cannot stay in contact. You need to be left alone to heal and get passed things. If he is a reasonable and good person, he will understand this and respect your wishes.

 

- Beach

Edited December 21, 2018 by Beachead

[Charlierose30]

I feel really low today. Isn’t it crazy how one single text message has the power to determine your mood. I spent most of yesterday analyzing what it meant, and why he sent it. It’s ridiculous!

But in the end, he’s just trying to manipulate me into thinking about him again. Making sure he still has some control over me, that I know he is fine about the break up. So much so, he doesn’t even care to ask how I am. This has been a step backwards for me, and I feel ashamed of myself that he still yields this power over me and my emotions. So I’m trying to pick myself up and dust myself off and try this thing again.

[Beachead]

I feel really low today. Isn’t it crazy how one single text message has the power to determine your mood. I spent most of yesterday analyzing what it meant, and why he sent it. It’s ridiculous!

But in the end, he’s just trying to manipulate me into thinking about him again. Making sure he still has some control over me, that I know he is fine about the break up. So much so, he doesn’t even care to ask how I am. This has been a step backwards for me, and I feel ashamed of myself that he still yields this power over me and my emotions. So I’m trying to pick myself up and dust myself off and try this thing again.

 

When you're ready, changing your phone number and blocking him on social media will be the best thing for you. Everytime he texts you, it'll be a setback like this. Everytime you see updates on social media regarding him, it'll be a setback. And every setback you have will slow your healing down and affect your life. He needs to be out of sight, so that you can put him out of your mind.

 

Doing this will hurt a lot because it makes things final. Think about it as having a gunshot wound with the bullet still in your body. You can give into your fear of pulling it out, and leaving it alone but you'll probably die of infection. Or, you can get in there, and pull the bullet out and stitch the wound up. Even though the pain will feel excruciating for that moment and then some, in the long run, you will heal and survive.

 

He left, his decision..and that's fine. Let him face the reality of that decision. The silence and the feeling of you not being just a text or phone call away. But don't do it for him, do it for yourself, to help you move forward.

 

I'd do this as soon as possible but I know its hard so do it when you're ready.

 

- Beach

Edited December 21, 2018 by Beachead

[nolanola]

Oh no!! I'm sorry you are struggling with that stupid message. I totally understand. The biggest, most soul crushing break up I ever went through, my ex didn't contact me forever and at the time, I so wanted him to reach out. But now, I think he was doing me a huge favor because as hard as it was to not hear from him, it made it real and easier to accept that it was really, really over (not that it was easy, it was still hard). My more recent ex reached out pretty soon -- after a month -- and it set me back a lot too. I knew I couldn't respond, because it was such BS, but I struggled a lot with it at first. Now that it's been a few weeks, I actually am glad I kept the message on my phone. When I go back and look at it, it just solidifies my resolve to stay NC because I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT CRAP AND SO DO YOU!! Sorry to yell, but this can't be said enough. Until he gives you some kind of communication that is deserving of you, ignore him.

 

Hold your head high. You are doing great. It's ok to struggle and to have bad days. I had a bit of a dip this morning and felt really anxious for the first time in weeks. It was extremely uncomfortable, but I just got up and left my house to preoccupy myself and eventually it got a bit better.

[Rayce]

Block him. You do deserve much better. We all deserve much better. together we will get through this... so vent as much as you need.

[Charlierose30]

Merry Christmas everyone. It’s Christmas morning where I am. My ex text me first thing this morning wishing me Merry Christmas. Why can’t he just let me be??

I’m surrounded by my lovely family and trying to put a smile on my face. But I’m sad and missing him and keep thinking about our last few holiday periods together. I really just want today to be over. I’m pissed off he has ruined Christmas for me, I usually love this time of year. But today I’m the Grinch.

[nolanola]

Hi Charlierose30! Merry Christmas to you! I had a feeling you would hear something from him. Don't let him ruin your day. I know the common thinking on here is that our exes are evil, terrible people, but it's entirely possible that he is thinking of your past times together as well and misses you. And that's why he reached out. However, it's not good enough for you. You deserve someone that wants to be with you and will make that happen. So let him sit there and miss you. The only reason he can miss you is because he chose to end it. If he hadn't, he wouldn't be missing you because you guys would be together. And also, if he misses you enough, he knows where you are.

Big hugs to you. I hope you are able to stay strong and to not let him ruin your day. I haven't blocked my ex but have you thought about doing this, at least temporarily? Maybe for a week? I have a feeling he will reach out again at New Year's, so that might remove some anxiety.

[Beachead]

Merry Christmas everyone. It’s Christmas morning where I am. My ex text me first thing this morning wishing me Merry Christmas. Why can’t he just let me be??

I’m surrounded by my lovely family and trying to put a smile on my face. But I’m sad and missing him and keep thinking about our last few holiday periods together. I really just want today to be over. I’m pissed off he has ruined Christmas for me, I usually love this time of year. But today I’m the Grinch.

 

Merry Christmas Charlierose30. I am truly sorry you are having a rough time.

 

Believe it or not, a lot of people go through this very thing. Exes that break up with you but wish you on your birthday, wish you during the holidays, pop in with a random "hey" or "Hi" whenever you're finally starting to feel better. You have hope that maybe this message might mean they might want to get back together, so you reply, only to wind up hearing the opposite. Maybe they might even tell you they met someone. Your heart breaks all over again.

 

If I were you, I'd change your number and block him off of social media. Call it a Christmas present or a New Years Resolution.

 

As long as you allow him to contact you by giving him different channels to reach you, you may continue to receive these painful messages. He knows that you are hurting but because you haven't taken charge of your life and your well being and steppe up, for yourself yet..he continues to trample over your boundaries. You must take charge. He's not going to do it.

 

Remember..he was the one that broke up with you and that decision didn't happen overnight. Dumpers think about this stuff for awhile IN the relationship, before they get to their breaking point and end it. It's just he's having trouble dealing with his decision because he too is feeling all of emotions such as guilt, doubts, the aftermath of it all. This is why he contacts you. He is trying to make it right (For himself). Make no mistake thouhg, at the end of the day, breaking up is what he wants.

 

Recall that by choosing to end it with you, he is choosing to eventually be with someone else. There will be a day he will find someone new whom he will fall for and that someone new won't be cool with you still keeping in touch with him. Who would ever be okay with an ex still being in the picture right? He WILL distance, maybe even cut you out, because being in love with someone new means he won't be willing to risk his future with that new person for someone who is the past..which is you.

 

It's sobering isn't it? I went through a few times over and learned the hard way.

 

You can feel free to test this but I don't advise it.

 

- Beach

Edited December 25, 2018 by Beachead

[Charlierose30]

Hi guys

Thanks so much for your responses. I needed to hear it. He put up a whole bunch of photos on Facebook today of his Christmas, looking happy and like he didn’t have a care in the world. It hurt. I’ve deactivated my account, at least for now. And I’ve finally blocked his phone number. I feel awful.

 

The thing is, the message he sent me on Christmas literally just said ‘Merry Christmas Charlierose30’ to which I replied ‘Merry Christmas’. He didn’t try to continue a dialogue or portray any emotion. So, what was the point of the message? I don’t understand.

 

Also, I have a weird feeling he might actuallly be seeing someone else already. I may just be being paranoid but now that the thought is in my head I can’t get rid of it and it’s making me feel sick.

[Beachead]

Hi guys

Thanks so much for your responses. I needed to hear it. He put up a whole bunch of photos on Facebook today of his Christmas, looking happy and like he didn’t have a care in the world. It hurt. I’ve deactivated my account, at least for now. And I’ve finally blocked his phone number. I feel awful.

 

The thing is, the message he sent me on Christmas literally just said ‘Merry Christmas Charlierose30’ to which I replied ‘Merry Christmas’. He didn’t try to continue a dialogue or portray any emotion. So, what was the point of the message? I don’t understand.

 

Also, I have a weird feeling he might actuallly be seeing someone else already. I may just be being paranoid but now that the thought is in my head I can’t get rid of it and it’s making me feel sick.

 

Could be he doesn't know if he should wish you or not so he decided to because it would make him feel like less of a bad person. Could also be to keep on the hook just incase things don't work out with new people he might be talking to.

 

I would embrace the worse case scenario and assume he is seeing someone or is looking. EIther way, he will eventually meet someone new. Better to face this fear now than later.

 

I'm really glad you blocked. Big move for you. Out of sight and out of mind means you won't have to see or hear about any updates in his life that will break your heart and you can focus on healing.

 

Keep going

 

- Beach

[Giraffe-A]

I read your initial post and it’s just devastating. We almost have identical breakups except I didn’t move from another country. If I did and this happened, I think I would have Godzilla’d my way back home knocking everything in my path. That is so uncool of him to do this to you. But, atleast you know that he is not able to cope with life too well and you should feel either hopeful that once he clears his head he’ll return, or that you will see him for the coward that he is and move on. You’ll do okay. One day at a time. It’s a roller coaster of emotions, but it all leads to healing. Hope it all works out for you.

[nolanola]

Charlierose30, good to hear from you. That is a huge step to block and deactivate Facebook. My ex is not on Facebook, but sometimes I worry I will see a stray mention of him and it keeps me off there. You can always unblock him if at some later time you really want to talk to him, but at least now you won't have to wonder if every text that comes in is from him or not. That goes a long way towards healing you. Just letting go of that anxiety. Maybe not right away, but it will.

 

As for why he reached out, I would suspect he was thinking of you. I personally don't think exes are always a-holes and I think many of them have feelings for us and feel bad that they hurt us. They probably miss us at times. BUT...they are having these feelings because they are choosing not to be with us, for whatever reason. So whatever BS they come up with is not good enough. Keep that in the forefront of your mind and I think it might help you to see that going totally NC is the best move.

 

As for worrying about them seeing someone new, I understand. That is a terrible feeling. It hurts so much. I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach. I've felt it. But ultimately, we can't stop that. By getting rid of Facebook, hopefully you won't know when it happens -- because this guy seems like the type to put up pictures as soon as he can. Like "look at me! My life is so awesome!". The only consolation I can derive is that my ex is most likely not any more emotionally available now than he was with me. Some might say that is petty, but it helps me feel better and to stick to my path.

 

I'm trying to make some resolutions (or goals) for the next few months. I want to try some new things so I can meet some new people and grow as a person. What is something that you would like to set as a goal? Let's focus on bettering ourselves and showing these guys what awesome women we are.

[Endnote]

@Charlierose30, well done on deactivating FB. I had my ex blocked on that account by we had about 60 mutual friends that I wasn't too keen on deleting. Instead I just deactivated. Now I only have Instagram (where we have few mutual friends) and for the foreseeable future I will be keeping it that way. My ex hasn't reached out in any sense though if you recall my situation I have made it pretty impossible for her to get a hold of me. So far it's done me good. It hasn't stopped me from fantasizing about my ex reaching out, but it's important to close that door, at least for now, maybe forever. As long as we feel this way it's not going to help whether they come back or not. Some of our exes do things that cannot repair what's been done, not anytime soon for sure.

 

 

 

I don't really understand why you're ex keeps reaching out. To me it just seems to alleviate his guilt or stroke his ego when you respond. As I told nolanola in an earlier post/thread (and as Beachead said as well), it's been better for me to think that my ex is already with someone else, that way I wouldn't be surprised if I found out, and it would hopefully make the pain a little more bearable if I did. Most of the time it doesn't take long for someone willing to pull this kind of thing to hop right into something else. Keep taking it a day at a time. Remember it's okay to reflect on these things and not ignore your thoughts. How you act on them changes things but I think you're getting there. I'd still say no matter what you're ex does, don't respond. Stick with NC. Keep his number blocked until you no longer care. That's my opinion. We're all here for each other; try to focus on you and let those moments that you get lost thinking about your ex slowly fade with time.

[Charlierose30]

Happy New Year everyone.

Can someone please convince me not to contact him?

I am missing him so so much at the moment and all I want to do is call him and talk to him. The longer this goes on, the more I’m convinced this is just a big huge mistake, and that he’ll change his mind. Wishful thinking I know but it was almost easier to convince myself this was real when I was still talking to him and he was being not so nice to me. Then I had something to go off. Now it’s just me ruminating. Help!

[nolanola]

Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. I'm guessing you didn't hear from him on NYE and you're feeling sad? I totally understand, because I feel sad too (I didn't hear anything either). BUT...you've got to stay strong. You are going to be upset with yourself if you contact him. I promise you will. Let's think of the likely scenario. You send him a NY message and he responds nicely. Now where are you? No where closer to being back together with him.

 

Right now, you have a tiny advantage. He didn't text but you didn't either. So he might be sitting there wondering why you didn't reach out. Were you out having the time of your life with someone new? Flirting with guys at a party? He has no idea. If you text him, you take any suspense out of it and basically let him know you're sitting here thinking about him. Don't give him that power.

 

I know how hard it is. This time of year blows. It's the worst time for thinking that everyone else is having so much more fun than we are. The weather is gross and it's easy to feel so lonely. But if you can fight through it, you will get through this dip, I promise.

[Endnote]

@Charlierose30, do whatever it may take to not contact him. Contact a friend instead, or a family member, write as much as you want to on here. Just talk about it, but whatever you do, contacting him will only hurt your recovery. I'm 4 months in, I still haven't heard from my ex either, but I know it won't do me any good to cross that line. It still hurts and I think about her every day, though it is better than it was. We all know how much it hurts. These moments of weakness come and go, you have to use your inner monologue to defy your emotion. That's never easy, but I can assure you, that if in all my moments weakness I can defy it, I know you can do the same. Happy New Year to you, we may all be just other people on the other side of the keyboard, but we're all in this together, and again we all know how you feel. It especially gets better after the holidays.

[Cersei]

Yes try not to do it.

 

I think you should give this some thought.

 

What if he does not reply?

Would you feel worse than you do now if you reached out and if he did not reply?

[Rayce]

Stay strong... I am having a hard time too. I was having dreams all night that he put up a new YouTube page for his music and sure enough the 1st thing I find this morning... is his new YouTube page... ugh

[Beachead]

Happy New Year everyone.

Can someone please convince me not to contact him?

I am missing him so so much at the moment and all I want to do is call him and talk to him. The longer this goes on, the more I’m convinced this is just a big huge mistake, and that he’ll change his mind. Wishful thinking I know but it was almost easier to convince myself this was real when I was still talking to him and he was being not so nice to me. Then I had something to go off. Now it’s just me ruminating. Help!

 

It's separation anxiety. The holidays triggers it even more than normal. Has nothing to do with feelings or love. Has more to do with the anxiety which sort of functions like an addict going through withdrawal from a drug. It's not good for you, but you you want it anyway. Only difference is, instead of being addicted to a drug, it's a person and the need to contact him is the addict in you wanting one more fix. You can get it but it won't be what you hope for. You two might exchange words, and the conversation will die out. Maybe you'll receive a cold distant response immediately. Maybe no response at all. Whatever it is, will hurt..real bad.

 

Recall, his decision to leave didn't happen overnight. He thought about it for months. He's not confused. He knows what he wants. He had you. He chose to let you go. He's not talking to you because he doesn't want to. If it hurts, it's supposed to. It's not pretty.

 

So don't expend the little energy you have on him, by chasing after him when he walked away. Save it for yourself and be around the people who care for you and want you around. Talk to people here. Talk to family, talk to friends, talk to a therapist, talk to anyone but him.

 

- Beach

Edited January 2, 2019 by Beachead

[PolyPocket]

Charlierose30, Happy New Year!!! And I’m sorry you are having a hard time. I’m on the same boat as you so I know exactly how you feel. I am currrently on my 6th week of NC and it’s not very easy.

 

What stops me from contacting my ex is being honest with my feelings. What would I really want to hear if we get a chance to talk again? Let’s face it, we all want to hear “I’m sorry, I miss you, I made a mistake and would do anything to get you back”, but we also know that is unlikely, even more so if we are the ones making contact. Why would I put myself in a position to be disappointed?

 

There’s a good quote that I saw earlier this week that applied: “if you can’t improve the silence, don’t say anything”. I promise myself that I will not acknowledge my ex unless I hear what I want to hear from him. Until then, I will keep my silence and use it as a tool to heal. It hasn’t been easy, but right now that’s All I have and I’m gonna make the freaking bestest out of it! Dealing with a broken heart is tricky because it leaves you feeling like your choice is so small, but your threading along with a heavy baggage. But one of these days that baggage will get lighter and you can’t fall into traps that will set you back. Chin up my dear, we are all in this together!

Edited January 2, 2019 by PolyPocket

[Charlierose30]

Thanks for the responses guys. It really helps so much having people who can relate to what I’m going through. We really are all in this together.

 

I didn’t contact him. Beachead, you’re right about the separation anxiety. It is like going through a withdrawal. Doesn’t he feel the same way though? Or does separation anxiety only happen to the person who was left?

 

Nolanola, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I didn’t hear from him over NY’s. It feels like I never even existed for him. Like the last 3 years were just a dream. I know this must happen all the time but how do you go from being the most important people in each other’s lives to strangers, almost overnight. It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around.

 

I have days where I’ll be kind of ok, and going through the motions, and then days where I’m so anxious and sad and I just want to turn back the clock so badly. I just want one day where I don’t even have to think about this stuff. Just to feel normal again.

[Beachead]

Thanks for the responses guys. It really helps so much having people who can relate to what I’m going through. We really are all in this together.

 

I didn’t contact him. Beachead, you’re right about the separation anxiety. It is like going through a withdrawal. Doesn’t he feel the same way though? Or does separation anxiety only happen to the person who was left?

 

Nolanola, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I didn’t hear from him over NY’s. It feels like I never even existed for him. Like the last 3 years were just a dream. I know this must happen all the time but how do you go from being the most important people in each other’s lives to strangers, almost overnight. It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around.

 

I have days where I’ll be kind of ok, and going through the motions, and then days where I’m so anxious and sad and I just want to turn back the clock so badly. I just want one day where I don’t even have to think about this stuff. Just to feel normal again.

 

Hey Charlierose30,

 

For you it was sudden, for him, it wasn't. It feels like he doesn't care because he had a head start in healing. You are trying to evaluate his train of thought and compete against this. Remember, these decisions don't happen over night. He thought about ending it for a long time. He just never talked to you about it. Dumpers weigh it all out while they hang out with you and especially while they are alone because it's not an easy decision. While you are are 0%. He is at 90%. He is stronger than you right now. He is far more over it.

So he is focusing on other things while you can only feel your broken heart. That's why it feels like he doesn't care.

 

Having said that, that's not to say dumpers don't feel anything. They do..but it's just different from the ones getting dumped. The ones getting dumped feel more of a absence. A void. They didn't want to break up and now they are at the mercy of following the lead of their ex who is leading the breakup, who knows what they want, what the next move is etc. For the dumper, they feel guilt for hurting the other. They wonder if you'll be okay. They know they will be leaving something familiar and comfortable for something that is uncertain and they wonder if they are making the right decision. They have doubts. The risk of being alone for awhile or perhaps for the rest of his life is frightening. Enough to make him weak or miss you and likely contact you.

 

All this feeling translates to those frustrating texts you receive from him that lead nowhere. He wishes you Merry Christmas. He checks up on you. It's all motivated by that fear, anxiety, guilt and its self-serving. It's irrational. He may not even realize what he's doing. It's not because he wants to get back together. He's not thinking what's best for you. He's thinking about what's best for him when it should be what's best for both of you. Why is he doing this? Because he's weak right now. Eventually though, he'll regain his strength and these texts will stop once he feels he has soothed his guilt or once he met someone new.

 

Similarly, you're not thinking rationally either. You're in so much pain. Your need to contact him, perhaps even get back together with him is more to relieve this pain which is more about what's best for you when the relationship should be what's best for both of you. Why do you do this? Because you're weak right now.

 

And this irrationality coming from both you and him are what the both of you are reacting to now.

 

That's why what's happening here on his end and on yours isn't about love. Love is giving. It's letting go, forgiving, showing compassion, understanding, acknowledgment etc. Right now, speaking for just you, you are incapable of it because you are heart broken. You have very little internal strength..very little self-love..and subconsciously you attempt to take what is lacking within you right now which is THAT..because you are too weak to generate it within you at the moment.

 

With distance, support, and continuing to give back to yourself in little ways..you will heal. Time will do the rest and everything will help you eliminate the anxiety and give you clarity. With that clarity and space, you will understand your situation and you will gain strength and you'll use it to heal yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited January 3, 2019 by Beachead