Sleep incompatibility

[some_username1]

Here's the thing I keep trying to convey on here. Her child is ever-present! She had managed to get him to bed at 9.30pm last night. There's a small window of opportunity to have alone time during the week, but that very quickly diminishes when she starts getting tired. She's 10 minutes away, so I could have raced over there and had a chat in person, but it still would have gone for a fair while and I would still have been keeping her awake.

 

I'm beyond frustrated at bending over backwards, jumping through hoops trying to accommodate all of her needs or deficiencies. It's clear that she's constraining dialog. If she wasn't then she'd want to engage, she'd make it easier for me and she'd value time communicating without her 6 year old constantly interrupting.

 

You might have been frustrated if your boyfriend had this discussion if you thought it was too late. But I ask you this: if you knew he wanted to have the conversation, would you have made it a priority to make time to have it? I might not have proceeded correctly 100 per cent of the time, but I'm trying my best and I'm constantly feeling frustrated about her holding back.

 

I think you're getting a raw deal from the females round here who seem to think you should be doing more on an emotional level.

 

It seems to me that you have tried help her with chores amd tried to reason with her like an adult but it seems to be like reasoning with a child because she doesn't have the maturity to be up front with you. As you say if she really valued you she would recognise and value your concern and put some more effort into sitting down with you and thrashing it out rather than postponing when it is convenient for her (the general tone seem to be that everything takes place at her convenience)

 

You need to back off now (wbich it sounds like you intend to) and see if she shows any enthusiasm because let's be fair in all the pages of this thread the only enthusiasm we have seen is when she leapt out of bed at 5am for Burger King-- sleep be damned.

[Trail Blazer]

I think you're getting a raw deal from the females round here who seem to think you should be doing more on an emotional level.

 

It seems to me that you have tried help her with chores amd tried to reason with her like an adult but it seems to be like reasoning with a child because she doesn't have the maturity to be up front with you. As you say if she really valued you she would recognise and value your concern and put some more effort into sitting down with you and thrashing it out rather than postponing when it is convenient for her (the general tone seem to be that everything takes place at her convenience)

 

You need to back off now (wbich it sounds like you intend to) and see if she shows any enthusiasm because let's be fair in all the pages of this thread the only enthusiasm we have seen is when she leapt out of bed at 5am for Burger King-- sleep be damned.

It was actually 9am when she lept out of bed to go to Burger King. 5am was when I woke up to go to the bathroom at the other end of the house, which awoke her and started what prompted me to create this thread.

 

As for the rest of your post, thank you. I'm honestly not really sure what else I could have done over the last 5-6 weeks to arrest this situation. I've not wanted to admit that I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back. It hurts.

[snowcones]

She's done with you, man. Stick a fork in it and move on.

[elaine567]

I think you're getting a raw deal from the females round here who seem to think you should be doing more on an emotional level.

 

It seems to me that you have tried help her with chores...

 

 

When did helping with the chores become anything to do with emotional levels...

 

I would suggest talking to her about her grandmother and how she feels about losing a very important member of her family...

[some_username1]

When did helping with the chores become anything to do with emotional levels...

 

I would suggest talking to her about her grandmother and how she feels about losing a very important member of her family...

 

I notice you selectively cut the bit where I mentioned OP's efforts to reason with her and as OP mentioned helping with the chores was to help with her emotional state by proxy.

 

Bereavement aside it seems thst this situation has been going on before then anyway- she is just on the take all the time and sounds a bit of an emotional vampire. OP must be seriously in love with her because to me she sounds like some of the shrews my friends have married who suck the joy out of life as soon as they get a whiff of commitment.

 

OP has at least tried to match his needs with hers but there seems no effort or enthusiasm on her side to do the same, just endless complaining about things not being right and avoidance of the unhappiness that OP is trying to express.

 

If the relationship means anything to her she needs to step up. And fast.

[elaine567]

If the relationship means anything to her she needs to step up. And fast.

Have you ever been bereaved? Lost someone really close. It doesn't take weeks it takes months if not years to get into some sort of normality again

 

Also this women has 100% custody she has no-one to pick up the slack if she feels bad, the OP has his wife who is sharing the burden of his kids.

Autistic kids are not easy to deal with either.

[elaine567]

Bereavement aside it seems thst this situation has been going on before then anyway-

Grandmother died in October, this situation has been going on for about 5 weeks, which is about right...

[introverted1]

Here's the thing I keep trying to convey on here. Her child is ever-present! She had managed to get him to bed at 9.30pm last night.

 

Her son is 6? Why is he up until 9:30? At that age, bedtime should be 7:30 or 8. Is she oblivious to the sleep needs of young children or just unable to set a boundary?

 

I'm beyond frustrated at bending over backwards, jumping through hoops trying to accommodate all of her needs or deficiencies. It's clear that she's constraining dialog. If she wasn't then she'd want to engage, she'd make it easier for me and she'd value time communicating without her 6 year old constantly interrupting.

 

As above. Seems she does not have an effective parenting style nor an ability to implement appropriate boundaries with her child.

 

You might have been frustrated if your boyfriend had this discussion if you thought it was too late. But I ask you this: if you knew he wanted to have the conversation, would you have made it a priority to make time to have it? I might not have proceeded correctly 100 per cent of the time, but I'm trying my best and I'm constantly feeling frustrated about her holding back.

 

Absolutely I'd make time. But I would also not be dating if I didn't have my life in order.

[introverted1]

Autistic kids are not easy to deal with either.

 

Oh, this is new or I missed it.

 

Is her son autistic, TB?

[BettyDraper]

I completely forgot about the death of your girlfriend's grandmother, TB

Grieving is a lot of work. However, if your girlfriend is grieving then she needs to be honest about that.

 

I agree that you have been bending over backwards for her. She isn't meeting you halfway due to lack of energy or simply not prioritizing your relationship.

Dating a single parent with full custody results in less time for being a couple. You will need to decide if you can accept that reality.

 

It appears that your girlfriend isn't interested in being in a relationship because she said that perhaps she can't meet your needs.

[BettyDraper]

Have you ever been bereaved? Lost someone really close. It doesn't take weeks it takes months if not years to get into some sort of normality again

 

Also this women has 100% custody she has no-one to pick up the slack if she feels bad, the OP has his wife who is sharing the burden of his kids.

Autistic kids are not easy to deal with either.

 

I don't think that the OP can accept that his girlfriend has to put her son first.

He doesn't understand that after raising her son and working, she doesn't have any energy left to stay awake at all hours to have sex.

[Trail Blazer]

Have you ever been bereaved? Lost someone really close. It doesn't take weeks it takes months if not years to get into some sort of normality again

 

Also this women has 100% custody she has no-one to pick up the slack if she feels bad, the OP has his wife who is sharing the burden of his kids.

Autistic kids are not easy to deal with either.

I think you've got your wires crossed, elaine. Her son is not autistic.

[Trail Blazer]

Her son is 6? Why is he up until 9:30? At that age, bedtime should be 7:30 or 8. Is she oblivious to the sleep needs of young children or just unable to set a boundary?

 

 

 

As above. Seems she does not have an effective parenting style nor an ability to implement appropriate boundaries with her child.

 

 

 

Absolutely I'd make time. But I would also not be dating if I didn't have my life in order.

 

Everyone is different. You'd be shocked to know the time I used to be awake when I was a kid. Did my mom allow me to be up at the times I was up? Hell no! Did she do her very best, as a single parent to get me to bed at a time which she thought was apporpriate? Absolutely! Despite her best efforts, I'm sure judgemental people thought that she had an "ineffective parenting style" as well? Guess what!? My sleeping needs were NOT the same as most other kids. My daughter is the same, and so too is my girlfriend's son.

 

I agree with you that people should have their life in order before dating. I think some people date with the intention of finding someome who can get their life in order. That's very selfish. Despite my life being somewhat of a mess, I know my capabilities and my responsibilities to the person I'm dating are that it needs to be a 2 way street. I don't think my girlfriend is prepared to meet somewhat in the middle. It seems to be more take than give, and when she's held to account for that, she gets defensive and says I should be more understanding of her circumstances.

[Trail Blazer]

I completely forgot about the death of your girlfriend's grandmother, TB

Grieving is a lot of work. However, if your girlfriend is grieving then she needs to be honest about that.

 

I agree that you have been bending over backwards for her. She isn't meeting you halfway due to lack of energy or simply not prioritizing your relationship.

Dating a single parent with full custody results in less time for being a couple. You will need to decide if you can accept that reality.

 

It appears that your girlfriend isn't interested in being in a relationship because she said that perhaps she can't meet your needs.

 

She does need to be honest about whether she's grieving. She probably is, but I'm not convinced there's a causal link between the 2. She isn't prioritizing the relationship at all. If I put in the same effort as her, I can see the relationship vanishing to nothing. I've accepted that there's less time for the relationship. That's not my issue. I can't accept her drop in effort which makes the relationship untenable.

[Trail Blazer]

I don't think that the OP can accept that his girlfriend has to put her son first.

He doesn't understand that after raising her son and working, she doesn't have any energy left to stay awake at all hours to have sex.

 

You are usually spot on, Betty, but in this case you're way off. I've ALWAYS accepted that her son comes first. With the reduced time we have, I've spent a fair bit of it actually doing things with her son. Playing basketball, building lego, reading with him. You name it, I've probably done it.

 

I've never expected my girlfriend to stay awake at all hours of the night to have sex. I have, however, expected her to prioritize intimate time every now and then. I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation. Getting frustrated by constant excuses which seem like they're being used as a smokescreen is what I'm srruggling to accept.

[BettyDraper]

You are usually spot on, Betty, but in this case you're way off. I've ALWAYS accepted that her son comes first. With the reduced time we have, I've spent a fair bit of it actually doing things with her son. Playing basketball, building lego, reading with him. You name it, I've probably done it.

 

I've never expected my girlfriend to stay awake at all hours of the night to have sex. I have, however, expected her to prioritize intimate time every now and then. I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation. Getting frustrated by constant excuses which seem like they're being used as a smokescreen is what I'm srruggling to accept.

 

You say that you accept her son's needs being put ahead of yours, but in another post you complained that her son is always with you two.

 

In the past, your girlfriend was staying awake to keep up with you and be available for sex. Now that has changed and you are understandably unhappy about that.

 

The bottom line is your girlfriend is choosing sleep and motherhood over companionship with you. I don't think this sits right with you regardless of how much you try to deny it. If you were fine with your girlfriend's current priorities and her decision to put her priorities over your relationship, you wouldn't have started this thread in the first place. It is probably best that you cut your losses and move on. If this how your relationship is at this early stage, then it isn't going to get better as time goes on. The longer you wait the worse the break up will be.

 

In the future, it could be helpful to date someone who doesn't have children so that she will have more time for a relationship. Keep your children out of your romantic relationships until you are sure that they will last.

[BettyDraper]

It was actually 9am when she lept out of bed to go to Burger King. 5am was when I woke up to go to the bathroom at the other end of the house, which awoke her and started what prompted me to create this thread.

 

As for the rest of your post, thank you. I'm honestly not really sure what else I could have done over the last 5-6 weeks to arrest this situation. I've not wanted to admit that I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back. It hurts.

 

It certainly does hurt and I'm so sorry.

On the bright side, you will have more time to focus on yourself and officially ending your marriage.

You will learn to be alone and you will be able to gain awareness from grieving your marriage as well as this relationship.

Some of the greatest lessons come from suffering.

[Trail Blazer]

You say that you accept her son's needs being put ahead of yours, but in another post you complained that her son is always with you two.

 

In the past, your girlfriend was staying awake to keep up with you and be available for sex. Now that has changed and you are understandably unhappy about that.

 

The bottom line is your girlfriend is choosing sleep and motherhood over companionship with you. I don't think this sits right with you regardless of how much you try to deny it. If you were fine with your girlfriend's current priorities and her decision to put her priorities over your relationship, you wouldn't have started this thread in the first place. It is probably best that you cut your losses and move on. If this how your relationship is at this early stage, then it isn't going to get better as time goes on. The longer you wait the worse the break up will be.

 

In the future, it could be helpful to date someone who doesn't have children so that she will have more time for a relationship. Keep your children out of your romantic relationships until you are sure that they will last.

 

I have never complained that he's always with us! You've misunderstood the context it was probably said in. It's been hard to talk about serious stuff when he is constantly in the picture. But I've accepted that. I've been criticized on here for my timing of when and how I've brought things up. I've simply pointed out that sometimes I haven't had a choice! If I waited for the perfect opportunity then nothing would be brought up.

 

What doesn't sit right with me is her lack of communication. She's too tired and motherhood is too burdensome to have intimate time with me? Okay, but TALK TO ME about it. Don't just say to yourself, "I'm exhausted from trying to keep up with him, so I'll just not invite him over again, not give an explanation but continue on as if nothing is any different." How do you think that made me feel? Very disrespected, and it's more disappointing than any genuine reason for why intimacy has been inhibited.

 

My issue is that I feel she's no longer attracted to me. That's my biggest fear and my only real explanation for why she has not prioritized ANY time for intimacy. Not even a snuggle on the couch, nothing! You don't behavave that way if you're atttacted to someone! It feels like I've been kept around because I'm handy as a pseudo babysitter when she wants to take long baths, do her own chores or, have me fix her washing machine, service her car, replace and rewire her fish tank lights, cook her dinner or pay to take out her and her son for the day.

[BettyDraper]

I have never complained that he's always with us! You've misunderstood the context it was probably said in. It's been hard to talk about serious stuff when he is constantly in the picture. But I've accepted that. I've been criticized on here for my timing of when and how I've brought things up. I've simply pointed out that sometimes I haven't had a choice! If I waited for the perfect opportunity then nothing would be brought up.

 

What doesn't sit right with me is her lack of communication. She's too tired and motherhood is too burdensome to have intimate time with me? Okay, but TALK TO ME about it. Don't just say to yourself, "I'm exhausted from trying to keep up with him, so I'll just not invite him over again, not give an explanation but continue on as if nothing is any different." How do you think that made me feel? Very disrespected, and it's more disappointing than any genuine reason for why intimacy has been inhibited.

 

My issue is that I feel she's no longer attracted to me. That's my biggest fear and my only real explanation for why she has not prioritized ANY time for intimacy. Not even a snuggle on the couch, nothing! You don't behavave that way if you're atttacted to someone! It feels like I've been kept around because I'm handy as a pseudo babysitter when she wants to take long baths, do her own chores or, have me fix her washing machine, service her car, replace and rewire her fish tank lights, cook her dinner or pay to take out her and her son for the day.

 

TB, I can understand why you feel hurt and disrespected. Now you need to decide how you're going to proceed.

 

You have every right to feel used. Either you end the relationship or simply stop giving so much while getting nothing in return. People don't respect doormats. You are "doing the most" as the kids say. I can tell that you're a very kind and caring man. There's nothing wrong with that but you deserve to be with someone who can offer similar qualities.

 

Remember, your girlfriend has already verbalized that she may not be able to meet your needs. That's not a good sign.

It doesn't seem like she wants to work on the relationship and it takes two.

[Trail Blazer]

TB, I can understand why you feel hurt and disrespected. Now you need to decide how you're going to proceed.

 

You have every right to feel used. Either you end the relationship or simply stop giving so much while getting nothing in return. People don't respect doormats. You are "doing the most" as the kids say. I can tell that you're a very kind and caring man. There's nothing wrong with that but you deserve to be with someone who can offer similar qualities.

 

Remember, your girlfriend has already verbalized that she may not be able to meet your needs. That's not a good sign.

It doesn't seem like she wants to work on the relationship and it takes two.

I plan to tell her exactly how I feel about everything. I'm just waiting for her to seek me out as I am giving her space and time to mentally prepare herself. She knows I plan to have a serious discussion.

 

I don't know if I have been used as such. I still think my girlfriend is a good woman. But I think she's conflict avoidant and if she wants to break it off but doesn't know how, telling me to stop doing nice things puts the spotlight on her as I'm immediately going to get suspicious. I suspect that she just wants to frustrate me to the point where I take the decision out of her hands.

 

Those words ring through my head. Telling me that perhaps she isn't and can't be everything I need, whether true or not, indicates that she's unwilling to even try. You don't say that to someone who you don't want to lose!

[BettyDraper]

I plan to tell her exactly how I feel about everything. I'm just waiting for her to seek me out as I am giving her space and time to mentally prepare herself. She knows I plan to have a serious discussion.

 

I don't know if I have been used as such. I still think my girlfriend is a good woman. But I think she's conflict avoidant and if she wants to break it off but doesn't know how, telling me to stop doing nice things puts the spotlight on her as I'm immediately going to get suspicious. I suspect that she just wants to frustrate me to the point where I take the decision out of her hands.

 

Those words ring through my head. Telling me that perhaps she isn't and can't be everything I need, whether true or not, indicates that she's unwilling to even try. You don't say that to someone who you don't want to lose!

 

She can be a good woman who just isn’t suitable for you.

If you are being so loving and helpful while getting nothing in return, then you are being used and that’s completely unfair. You just said that you feel that your girlfriend only has you around because you’re handy.

 

Okay so we agree that her comment was not a harbinger of better times ahead. Why do you keep having “serious talks”? Those aren’t getting you anywhere. It’s time to read the writing on the wall.

[Trail Blazer]

She can be a good woman who just isn’t suitable for you.

If you are being so loving and helpful while getting nothing in return, then you are being used and that’s completely unfair. You just said that you feel that your girlfriend only has you around because you’re handy.

 

Okay so we agree that her comment was not a harbinger of better times ahead. Why do you keep having “serious talks”? Those aren’t getting you anywhere. It’s time to read the writing on the wall.

 

What I meant was that it feels like the only use I have for her is that I can cook, love kids and I'm very handy with repairing things. It's my willingness to get in there and do what needs to be done which she isn't going to say no to. Who knows, maybe she's subtely brought things up knowing that I won't hesitate to come around and fix them. I don't need to be asked, I'm just proactive and get things done without hesitation.

 

I don't keep having serious discussions because I never get an opportunity to have serious discussions. Even if I were to dump her, I need to talk to her in person in order to do that. Who knows, maybe our first serious discussion will end up being our last?

[healing light]

Alright. I only read the first post. I'm a lifelong insomniac and sleep is a HUGEEEEEEE deal that people underestimate if they only experience occasional sleep deprivation and are able to sleep in at other times. Sleep is sort of like sex in that it's only a big deal to the person not getting it.

 

This woman sounds chronically sleep deprived. I have medical reasons for not being able to sleep, but if I chat with someone while I wake up I also cannot fall back asleep very well, if at all. The same applies to my phone, though. I can only glance at it for the time otherwise it makes me wired. I totally understand her not wanting to talk at 5am.

 

It sounds to me that she tried to fake having lots of energy for you in the beginning and now she just can't sustain that anymore. She's told you as much--I wouldn't doubt her if her kid continually wakes her at 5am/is an early riser. And instead of letting her sleep in peace, you have decided this is an issue. Maybe it's a dealbreaker for you, I don't know, but I can guarantee you that most people with sleep problems would give you the ax for guilting them or being needy around their sleep.

 

Sleep deprivation is only helped by more sleep. That's it. So if there's something physical contributing to the situation, like a crap mattress or a rambunctious kid, alleviating that stress may help your whole situation overall. And if you don't get enough of sleep for a sustained period of time, every. single. thing. in your day is affected. Your quality of life goes in the crapper. Your sex drive typically suffers. I don't know your backstory or why you would have motive to question her version of why she's too tired to keep up with you, but it all sounds legit from what you've described in your original post. Keep in mind that if she's chronically sleep deprived, she feels drained and may not have energy at the same time that you have it.

 

Anyway, I don't think this is a war you will win is my point. There is no real compromise when it comes to sleep if she's not getting enough. You can either contribute to the pressure she feels around needing to be alert when you are/ready/fall asleep faster, etc. by making it an issue, or you can try to work with her to find ways to alleviate what's disrupting her sleep or allowing her to sleep in occasionally when you and the boy are already up.

 

Studies have found that women in general need more sleep than men, especially during times of stress, so perhaps you can adopt a routine that allows you to do something else other than wait for her so you're not stewing in resentment while she's trying to catch up on some rest. Like maybe you can go to the gym in the morning if your schedules aren't synced, etc.

 

If you don't want to accommodate her or can't, then perhaps it's time to find someone who has a similar energy level or lifestyle as you.

[some_username1]

I plan to tell her exactly how I feel about everything. I'm just waiting for her to seek me out as I am giving her space and time to mentally prepare herself. She knows I plan to have a serious discussion.

 

I don't know if I have been used as such. I still think my girlfriend is a good woman. But I think she's conflict avoidant and if she wants to break it off but doesn't know how, telling me to stop doing nice things puts the spotlight on her as I'm immediately going to get suspicious. I suspect that she just wants to frustrate me to the point where I take the decision out of her hands.

 

Those words ring through my head. Telling me that perhaps she isn't and can't be everything I need, whether true or not, indicates that she's unwilling to even try. You don't say that to someone who you don't want to lose!

 

That was her way of ending it- hand you the

metaphorical knife and let you do it yourself. It's such a half assed gesture that I'm actually embarrassed for her. Bereavenent or not it takes seconds to give you peace of mind either way where you stand and where her head is at. A grown woman and a mother too- it sounds like she has got a lot of maturing still to do in how to have functional adult relationships with good communication.

 

I am sorry for you, but as usual try and take strength from.the postitives- that you reached this point before you got in too deep by moving in together etc. Go amd find someone who appreciates what you do for a woman you are dating.

[Trail Blazer]

Alright. I only read the first post. I'm a lifelong insomniac and sleep is a HUGEEEEEEE deal that people underestimate if they only experience occasional sleep deprivation and are able to sleep in at other times. Sleep is sort of like sex in that it's only a big deal to the person not getting it.<SNIP>

 

At the end of the day I need more than just a beautiful face to keep me with someone. She stands to gain a whole lot more being with me than I do with her. Once I get my divorce through, my life will be looking up. We've talked about everything - where we're headed and what we want out of life. She knows I'm a driven and determined person. She can either come for the ride or collect food stamps for her and her son and go back to dating a-holes.

 

Honestly, my life will be so much easier if I don't have to carry a woman and a child that's not even mine, while providing another child to pop out and pay for, all while she lives her dream life as the stay at home mom, baking cookies and school drop offs while living behind the security of a white picket fence that I bust my a$$ off to provide.

 

As bitter as that sounds, that's the reality. I would have given this woman EVERYTHING she ever wanted if I got a little bit back in return. The sad thing for HER is that she doesn't feel what she needs to feel in order to make me happy. That's okay, it's just the way it is. I can accept it, but I just need to be told. Then I'll move on and make my own way in life as my OWN man. She will lose out and so will her son. This nice guy won't finish last, because there's more to life than just having a significant other. When I stop looking, the right one might just find me. And if they don't, so be it. I'll blow my cash and enjoy my life with fast cars, bikes and whatever else floats my boat.

Edited December 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator