Sleep incompatibility

[Art_Critic]

For some women sex/orgasm winds them up and then they can't go to sleep.. maybe that is it...

[Happy Lemming]

I guess they were faking it, but that is another story.

 

Whether the quickie would or would not bring her to orgasm is kind of moot, as she did not see the benefit to her of any sexual activity whatsoever, preferring to scroll through FB.

 

I'll guess we'll have to agree to disagree that they were "faking it".

 

But I will agree with you that this woman did not see a benefit in any sexual activity, and played with her phone. This goes beyond sad for the OP, which reinforces my point that she has "checked out" of the relationship. She is keeping him around as a prop for the holiday season.

 

NEXT!!

[Trail Blazer]

Last night I went back over to her house. I brought some ingredients around and cooked dinner. We got her boy to bed and watched a bit of TV. Since she'd said she wanted a massage, I thought that at some point she'd slip off into something a bit more comfortable and bring the coconut oil back with her. But no, nothing! At near on midnight she yawned, stretched to gesture she was getting tired.

 

I'd said to her, "I guess we'd better get the massage underway before you get tired of waiting, hey?" She said, "Oh, I think it's probably a bit too late for that now." I was pretty annoyed, but kept my irritation in check. I got up, told her I'd better be off then, to which she agreed. She walked out with me to my car and that was the end of the night.

 

She's supposed to be coming over to my place today for lunch and dinner. I'd offered to service her car and check a couple of small things on it some time ago. I am going to prepare some lunch and later on, I have an old buddy I used to work with who's coming over for dinner with his wife. I have to say that last night has now left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth.

[Trail Blazer]

Oh boy, it sounds pretty grim to me. Like you two are holding onto hope with little to nothing to back it up.

 

I'm just confused. Why be like this when she behaves in all other settings like she's really happy? Why introduce me to all of her family and friends if she doesn't feel like we're a good fit?

[Trail Blazer]

You don't need a new bed to have sex.

 

What would have been wrong with a "quickie" instead of playing with her phone??

 

She is not having sex with you because she wants out of the relationship. She probably just wants you around for the holidays, so she isn't alone at Christmas.

 

Dude, time to bail!!

 

I don't quite understand female sexuality at times. What I've learned from my previous marriage was that if women are happy, they'll go at it like rabbits. If they're less than satisfied, it dries up quicker than Death Valley. There's a chance that she is happy in the relationship and things are just going on that is affecting her libido. But if that's the case, she's doing little to avail my fears that something just isn't right.

 

It's not that easy to just bail on this relationship. Sure, I don't have anything tying me to it in a legal or financial sense. But we've gotten through a few challenges in the early days, i.e. condemnation from my ex, having a battle after I introduced my daughter to her (whom my daughter now absolutely adores). I thought we'd paved the way to having a fantastic relationship. Now, everything is up in the air.

 

We are supposed to be going on a road trip to my home state of Idaho to visit my mom early in the new year. My mom also LOVES her, so that's another awkward aspect. Not to mention her boy who is very attached to me. Yes, all of these reasons aren't a reason why I should stick around if it's not working out. However, I feel it's worth trying to fix first.

[Art_Critic]

I'm just confused. Why be like this when she behaves in all other settings like she's really happy? Why introduce me to all of her family and friends if she doesn't feel like we're a good fit?

 

Because you keep doing stuff for her, cooking.. working on her car... etc etc.. and Christmas coming up....whatever it is this is a one way deal..

 

It's obvious she checked out, why are you still operating as if you're a couple ?

 

Why ? maybe she just can't pull the trigger.. if you can't get her to open up and work on the relationship then it's dead...

[Art_Critic]

I feel it's worth trying to fix first.

 

We is the key word.. not I...

 

Is it I or We ?

[Trail Blazer]

It all seems a bit strange to me that sleep wasn't an issue in the early stages and now it is suddenly so bad she has no energy left to do anything other than be (from the sounds of it) a bit of a pain in the ass.

 

I can only conclude that she put you in what some refer to (rather amusingly) as the "pussy coma": a few months of all your needs being met so you would never think of going anywhere else and then once she has got you under her spell she starts to turn the tap off.

 

The latest incident with the mattress just sounds like throwing you breadcrumbs of hope to keep you thinking that something will change for the better. But when it's not the mattress it will be something else and so on and so on.

 

Provided she is the one paying for this mattress (she is the one paying for it right?!) I would stick around a few more days and see what happens but if there is no improvement or (as I suspect) she starts claiming there is a different issue (most likely she will then claim she is turned off because she feels pressured into sex) I would consider the relationship over.

 

If that is true, why? Why do that? Why suck me in with lots of sex and then just stop when she has me? What's her end game? It's a bit too early to be turning off that tap. It's not like we've had a baby and she's picked me as someone who'd never leave her side due to obligations of the child. I could simply walk if it's not working out, so how does that work for her?

 

I agree about the mattress. I'm skeptical about that making a difference. It might help her sleep better, but there's underlying issues which have nothing to do with the bed. As for getting the bed, it won't be happening until the new year. We'll see what happens, but one thing I can say with absolute assurance; it will be HER paying for the mattress, not me!

[Trail Blazer]

We is the key word.. not I...

 

Is it I or We ?

 

In the context of what I was saying, I is the only correct thing to say. I cannot speak on behalf of her. Hell, I don't even know if she thinks there's anything that needs fixing.

[Trail Blazer]

Because you keep doing stuff for her, cooking.. working on her car... etc etc.. and Christmas coming up....whatever it is this is a one way deal..

 

It's obvious she checked out, why are you still operating as if you're a couple ?

 

Why ? maybe she just can't pull the trigger.. if you can't get her to open up and work on the relationship then it's dead...

I agree that I do too much since I'm not getting enough back. After tonight I'm scaling back that. I'd already promised to do the car weeks back, hence why I won't renege on that.

[some_username1]

If that is true, why? Why do that? Why suck me in with lots of sex and then just stop when she has me? What's her end game? It's a bit too early to be turning off that tap. It's not like we've had a baby and she's picked me as someone who'd never leave her side due to obligations of the child. I could simply walk if it's not working out, so how does that work for her?

 

I agree about the mattress. I'm skeptical about that making a difference. It might help her sleep better, but there's underlying issues which have nothing to do with the bed. As for getting the bed, it won't be happening until the new year. We'll see what happens, but one thing I can say with absolute assurance; it will be HER paying for the mattress, not me!

 

She could still be 'checked in' and conditioning you for the 'new normal' ie 'I am happy with you as a person but I am not happy with the amount of sex I have to give you so I'm going to get you used to not having it at all'. This appears to be pretty common after the honeymoon period, especially after having kids which can put a lot of women off having an active sex life long term. But it does seem off that if she is happy with you in general and sex is the issue how she seems to be very cold at times. Seems like something is going on in the background.

 

You are right that women have to be relaxed and comfortable in order to be in the mood for sex. I've read a lot about mothers of young children feeling 'touched out' afrer playing with their kids all day and being very turned off by touching by their husbands. They report feeling like if the husband did more stuff to help out and put less pressure on for sex then they would feel more relaxed and happy and in the mood-- to be honest I'm not sure I buy that and it's more higher/lower brain disconnect where the woman is rationalising a solution to a problem she doesn't even understand.

 

This is perhaps a bit childish, but my attitude from this point would be to wait for her to come over with her car and just act normal and go about your business. Don't mention the car at all. If she asks about it just make some reason why you aren't able to attend to it and offer to reschedule at some vague point in the future. I would be interested in how her temperament holds up when she is the one whose needs aren't being met. It might bring about some self awareness on her part, alternatively you might be able to intuit more about what is going on if it provokes a reaction from her.

[Art_Critic]

In the context of what I was saying, I is the only correct thing to say. I cannot speak on behalf of her. Hell, I don't even know if she thinks there's anything that needs fixing.

 

 

Start there, you need to find out where she sits...

[Happy Lemming]

This is perhaps a bit childish, but my attitude from this point would be to wait for her to come over with her car and just act normal and go about your business. Don't mention the car at all. If she asks about it just make some reason why you aren't able to attend to it and offer to reschedule at some vague point in the future. I would be interested in how her temperament holds up when she is the one whose needs aren't being met. It might bring about some self awareness on her part, alternatively you might be able to intuit more about what is going on if it provokes a reaction from her.

 

This is actually a GREAT idea!!

[elaine567]

I'm just confused. Why be like this when she behaves in all other settings like she's really happy? Why introduce me to all of her family and friends if she doesn't feel like we're a good fit?

 

 

Maybe she is happy, maybe she likes all the other things about your relationship, but the sex not so much.

 

Or she doesn't see the sex as an important part of the relatonship, some women don't.

Or as you are a couple now, she has you hooked, why would she need to put out so much.

Or maybe you champing at the bit wanting sex every time you came round was a turn off for her.

Or she is no longer feeling it, she may be ill or, depressed or stressed and has lost her libido

 

Who knows?

But seems to me and hopefully I am wrong for your sake but I guess that woman with sex always on tap you fell in love with, is likely not coming back.

[Trail Blazer]

Maybe she is happy, maybe she likes all the other things about your relationship, but the sex not so much.

 

Or she doesn't see the sex as an important part of the relatonship, some women don't.

Or as you are a couple now, she has you hooked, why would she need to put out so much.

Or maybe you champing at the bit wanting sex every time you came round was a turn off for her.

Or she is no longer feeling it, she may be ill or, depressed or stressed and has lost her libido

 

Who knows?

But seems to me and hopefully I am wrong for your sake but I guess that woman with sex always on tap you fell in love with, is likely not coming back.

 

We were very open with what we discussed before even meeting in person. We spoke online for 3 weeks before meeting. We waited that long because she needed to find a baby sitter. In that time we BOTH talked about our needs for physical affection.

 

I'll make it clear that I never pushed for sex. It took our 4th date before that happened. I've never been obvious about wanting sex. I could never be accused of "champing at the bit." She always initiated sex when I stayed over. Sometimes it wad at night AND in the morning. The only time I've brought it up is in recent times, since it has dropped off.

[losangelena]

Why didn’t you initiate the massage last night?

[Trail Blazer]

She could still be 'checked in' and conditioning you for the 'new normal' ie 'I am happy with you as a person but I am not happy with the amount of sex I have to give you so I'm going to get you used to not having it at all'. This appears to be pretty common after the honeymoon period, especially after having kids which can put a lot of women off having an active sex life long term. <SNIP>

 

If she's conditioning me to the new norm, she's played her hand way too early. I'm not going to settle for a sexless relationship. If I knew for certain that this was the "new norm" then I'd call it quits instantly. I'm a patient and understanding person, and at this point I'm very attached to this woman and would love to be with her long term, so I'm happy to give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

 

Perhaps she's waiting for me to play my hand, where, if I grow tired and bail then she has the answer she wants? If she never intended on having a long term relationship which included regular sex, why not be up front? Save the drama and just say you're not a very sexual person. Why put your child through the trauma of growing very attached to someone, only to not be genuine in your intentions to that person?

 

As for this evening, I cooked lunch, I serviced her car and we had dinner with my friends. It was a fantastic evening. While I was servicing her car, she cleaned my kitchen and took a saucepan home which I'd burnt as she has better cleaning products. All that stuff I'd planned to do after servicing her car, however it was still appreciated. But, it's still a LONG way off what I need to be happy in the relationship.

 

As I said before, as of tonight, I take a step back. I'll see how things go. The conversation will have to be had at some point, though.

Edited December 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trail Blazer]

Why didn’t you initiate the massage last night?

 

Why? Because it was her suggestion and something which I was keen to see whether she'd take ownership of or not. I'm the one who has had to initiate everything. I'm trying to back off and let her do things of her own volition.

[snowcones]

I'm just confused. Why be like this when she behaves in all other settings like she's really happy? Why introduce me to all of her family and friends if she doesn't feel like we're a good fit?

 

 

There are plenty of people in relationships who don't have sex. They are perfectly ok with this. You have to be able to identify early on when you're dating one of these people. (and yes both men and women can be like this)

[snowcones]

If she's conditioning me to the new norm, she's played her hand way too early. I'm not going to settle for a sexless relationship. If I knew for certain that this was the "new norm" then I'd call it quits instantly. <SNIP>

 

 

I think you're on the right path in doing your due diligence. You have to be able to say that you gave it your best shot and giving it time, but not forgetting, is wise, imo.

Edited December 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Happy Lemming]

... she cleaned my kitchen and took a saucepan home which I'd burnt as she has better cleaning products.

 

OK, you earned your "gold star" for servicing her car, but you still didn't have sex...

 

As far as the chores she did, do you want a maid or a girlfriend??

 

I think you need to voice your displeasure, sooner rather than later. What are you waiting for?? Unless your children are particularly attached to this woman, I'd bail before Christmas.

[some_username1]

OK, you earned your "gold star" for servicing her car, but you still didn't have sex...

 

As far as the chores she did, do you want a maid or a girlfriend??

 

I think you need to voice your displeasure, sooner rather than later. What are you waiting for?? Unless your children are particularly attached to this woman, I'd bail before Christmas.

 

I'd be watching her behaviour like a hawk over Christmas. I suspect she might suddenly rediscover her sex drive around Christmas day as part of the novelty of having a new partner at Christmas...and then she will be back to her old ways with a vengeance after new year.

 

I can see it all coming to conclusion then for OP in early January, he'll have to choose between a sexless relationship or moving on...

[elaine567]

I note you say she always initiated until recently and then you voiced your "complaint", maybe she is a bit fed up initiating, maybe she was expecting you to take the lead for a change and all she got was you "complaining" about her not initiating...

Just a thought.

[olivetree]

I can related to sleep issues.

I'm a light sleeper and need a king size memory foam mattress and earplugs to sleep with someone else (so I don't feel their movement so much).

Even then my partner and I choose to sleep apart most nights (him in another room).

This works for us and we don't put pressure on ourselves to sleep in the same bed.

If you're open to an alternative sleeping arrangement, then this could work (in that area).

 

As for the sex part, I have no idea if it's completely due to lack of sleep.

You referred to this as a nearly sexless relationship.

What is the frequency now?

 

If your sex life does not improve with improved sleep and she doesn't have any other health issue, then I would say either:

1) This is the way she actually is after the honeymoon period

2) She has lost attraction to you in some way

 

As a side note, I think your relationship could benefit from watching less TV and letting her do more for you too.

[Trail Blazer]

OK, you earned your "gold star" for servicing her car, but you still didn't have sex...

 

As far as the chores she did, do you want a maid or a girlfriend??

 

I think you need to voice your displeasure, sooner rather than later. What are you waiting for?? Unless your children are particularly attached to this woman, I'd bail before Christmas.

 

What am I waiting for? I'm not waiting for anything, but I am patiently trying to work through things. Yes, my daughter is attached to her and she loves playing with my girlfriend's son. It was a battle with my ex after I introduced my daughter to her. The ex took some time to come around but finally has accepted it. My daughrer speaks glowingly of her, so that helps, at least superficially.

 

I have voiced my displeasure about the lack of intimacy. I think some things I've explained earlier in the thread have been lost. What I'm not going to do is barge in like a tornado. I'm going to exhaust all avenues in a patient and methodical manner.

 

I am having Christmas lunch at her place with her family. I will be having my kids for dinner. NYE we've planned to watch the local fireworks display and early 2019 we're going to my home state of Idaho for a week. I'm not throwing all of those plans in the trash which affects many others, including the kids. I'm happy to give it a month and try to work on things in that time.