First ever post...

[SunnyWeather]

What I am most confused about is the fact that the day after I came home, I told the OW that I was married. But I can't tell my wife. I am at a loss as to why I told the OW. I know I need to tell her somehow and someway. I will be enquiring about counselling as I really do need to speak to someone about all of this - nobody knows what is going on, not my friends, not my family, nobody.

 

If I'm understanding you correctly, you could tell the other woman more easily because you were not as invested in her, you didn't uproot her life, and more importantly, you were not married to her. it was easier to walk away. there are bigger ramifications for you with your wife knowing.

 

I'm glad you are looking into counseling, I really think getting one whom you work well with will be quite supportive in helping you chart your next steps.

Edited November 22, 2018 by SunnyWeather

[MrVegas]

What I am most confused about is the fact that the day after I came home, I told the OW that I was married. But I can't tell my wife. I am at a loss as to why I told the OW. I know I need to tell her somehow and someway. I will be enquiring about counselling as I really do need to speak to someone about all of this - nobody knows what is going on, not my friends, not my family, nobody.

 

That’s easy to answer. Two to one odds you were looking for either her acceptance of being on the side or a promise to be your safety net.

 

This pity party of yours is just more selfishness. I believe you came here to get the advice you wanted, that it will hurt too much to tell your “wife” if that term is even appropriate.

 

We could all tell you how much we understand how difficult this is on you. We could help make YOU feel better about this. This isn’t the right place for that support.

 

You didn’t make a mistake, you made a choice. And you are trying to make your cowardice heroic.

 

I get the need to feel that rush. A fresh new model, beautiful and just for you. The rides exciting and new, and you know it’s just better than what you had. But you know, it won’t last, and in just a few years you’ll be doing it again.

 

That’s why people lease cars. Which coincidentally have a return period longer than your marriage.

 

You are a real piece of work for what you did, but if you steal your wife’s future so that you don’t have to own your mistake, then you truly are a monster.

 

MV

[Arun10]

I told her. She is in pieces. But I told her. Hopefully we can work this out.

[SunnyWeather]

oh goodness gracias. I do hope you will get a couples counselor now that you decided to do this without a professional guiding you. and I still think you should strongly consider getting into IC too to help you work through how you got to this point.

 

I wish you the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

I told her. She is in pieces. But I told her. Hopefully we can work this out.

 

I applaud your courage and new-found honesty, not an easy conversation to have. Let her dictate the next couple of days, including the freedom to be mad, sad or anywhere in between.

 

Arun10, at least you've removed the unknown and defined the task. Most couples find that counseling is a central part of recovery. Good luck, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arun10]

She seems to be so clear that she wants things to work and that she is nothing without me. She said she will trust me over time and we can get through this. I have told her she can tell anyone she wants if she wants to talk but she said she does not want to tarnish my name. But should I not have my name tarnished for what I have done? I feel like I have gotten a second chance so easily. Its confusing. I am trying my hardest to forget about the OW but every time I look into my wifes eyes I just see the OW. I think we need counselling but the wife does not think this is necessary. Its only been a little while so I can imagine things will change and her feelings may change rapidly.

 

Play once, you win. Play twice, you will always lose.

[Amethyst68]

OP, it's time to be honest with yourself, do you want to be married? It certainly doesn't sound so by the tone of your posts.

 

Staying with your wife because of guilt is the wrong thing to do, for both of you. In my opinion sounds like you need to man up and leave to be on your own for a while, grow up, mature, whatever you want to call it.

 

If you stay, be honest with your wife and go to IC at least to find out why you were ok with betraying your BW so easily at such an important time.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

She seems to be so clear that she wants things to work and that she is nothing without me. She said she will trust me over time and we can get through this. ...... I think we need counseling but the wife does not think this is necessary.

 

Arun, Props for doing the right thing.

 

This is all new to you and your wife. Here's what I can offer you as advice and knowledge from my experiences:

 

1 - She wants to work things out. That's a positive first reaction. Keep in mind she is in shock. Shock and Denial are the first stages for her. It will take a few months to unpack what you have done. The next phase is Anger. This will hit the fan in early 2019 and stay around for awhile. Just because she wants to stay now doesn't mean she won't change her position later on after she has time to process this situation.

 

2 - Don't let her rugsweep this. Both of you need counseling. It is necessary!

[Arun10]

Yes, I find sometimes she will randomly ask me a question about the situation, about the OW and she questions whether she is enough for me. We have our first counselling session on Friday so let us see how this goes. She asks questions like was the OW something special to me considering I made visits to Europe to see the OW. We are going out this evening to just have a little bit of time away from it all and not being at home where she will think so lets se how this goes... I find myself thinking out of sight out of mind to the OW... I feel like I am just thinking more and more about how I have hurt the OW and her family and how she will find it so hard to trust again. (as I had met them too :/). I feel sick thinking about this and what I have done but I guess there is nothing I can do about it now than change things...

[Amethyst68]

Do you feel sick thinking about what you've done to your wife?

 

You seem to have more regret about what your OW (and her family) are feeling rather than what your wife is.

 

You need to retain your brain, open your eyes, mind and heart, when you start feeling guilty about hurting OW think about how you devastated your wife instead. I know you need to get over OW but your marriage can't start to recover until you begin to put in 100% effort!

[pepperbird]

Do you feel sick thinking about what you've done to your wife?

 

You seem to have more regret about what your OW (and her family) are feeling rather than what your wife is.

 

You need to retain your brain, open your eyes, mind and heart, when you start feeling guilty about hurting OW think about how you devastated your wife instead. I know you need to get over OW but your marriage can't start to recover until you begin to put in 100% effort!

 

 

The ow in this situation is really quite lucky. She will be able to mourn and grieve, find support and move on. SHe's going to be just fine, and has really dodged a bullet.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, the op's wife is left to try and figure out the rest of her life knowing that the man she trusted stabbed her in the back. Not only did he do that, he did it with the full knowledge of what he was doing.

 

Every time she looks in his eye and face, she will see the man who hurt her The one damned person in her life she should have been able to count on is gone-even if they are still married-he's gone. That type of sea change doesn't go away, and can affect a person's whole life.

 

Her husband should be the one person in the while world she could turn to for comfort and support in a bad time. She doesn't even have that anymore. All she has now is herself, and hopefully, some supportive family and friends., because she can't count on the OP right now, and may never be able to again.

[Amethyst68]

I asked in one of my earlier posts if the OP wanted to be married because I didn't get that impression from his posts.

 

There was no answer, only that he feels guilt and feels sick about betraying the OW, this is why I suggest retraining his brain, maybe guilt will kick in of it's own accord.