Author Arun10 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 May I be forgiven one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I still love my wife and I still will take care of her and make myself an honest man. It is not today or tomorrow but it will be ok one day. Arun10, think about what you're doing. You're dooming your wife to a life as the consolation prize, the second-place winner you didn't really want. And while you're distracted by thoughts of your lost AP and grieving the one that got away, she gets to wonder what's wrong with her that she can't make you happy. Don't love her, treat her with kindness. End this marriage you don't really want to be a part of and let both of you get on with your lives. Otherwise, risk wasting the next 20-30 years. make myself an honest man. Ask yourself, what would an honest man really do here? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I still will take care of her and make myself an honest man. You have the opportunity to be a good and honest man today - tell your wife who she is married to and let her make the decision about whether she will stay in the marriage, or not. It is your decision - what kind of man do you choose to be today? BTW, I am struck by the number of sentences in your post that begin with the word "I." "I want..." "I did..." "I think..." "I have decided..." You have a lot to learn about love, and matrriage, and what it is to be a respectable, responsible man. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I have been sleeping and as I have woken up, I have been told I am saying things in my sleep such as I am not sure about things and that I am confused. My wife obviously knows there is something wrong. I am just so scared of what this will do to her and both of our families will just crumble to pieces. I know I should face up to it but I am still so scared. At night, I have found myself thinking about what I have done to the other girl too, and that I have ruined her life also. For me this feels like rock bottom and I am sorry for what I have done. I have been an evil and manipulating man. I feel disgusted in myself, yet I am still not able to face up and tell her the truth. I just don't have the courage. Get over yourself. Nobody's life is going to be ruined just because you're not in it. What a special man you must consider yourself to be, thinking everyone is just going to crumble to pieces over you. Your wife will be very hurt, at first, but in a few months when she starts to recover she will be so glad that she is not trapped in a sham of a marriage and her life will go on just fine without you. Your families will be angry, especially hers, but their lives will be okay too, because everything isn't about you, the world doesn't revolve around you, so get over yourself. Nothing about this has anything to do with love for your wife. You just don't want to be honest and face the music. At least tell your wife what you did. Give her the choice to decide if she wants to be married to a cheater. Let her know the truth about her life and marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 May I be forgiven one day. Coward. Man the F up and tell your wife. Because trust me, one day she will find out and every single year that you spent lying to her will have been a year taken off the soul of who she thought she was and what she was living for. She will never get it back, and it will be entirely your fault. You have two choices; be a man, or live the rest of your life being a coward. No amount of good deeds and being the perfect husband will change the fact that you're a liar and a coward. You want to fix that? Tell her and let her decide what she wants to do with *you*... Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Just man up and tell her, let her move on and meet someone who deserves her. I suspect you secretly like being the middle of this secret little love triangle and if you stay with your wife it won't be long till you find another young girl to "fall in love" with. I think this could be a pattern over the years, why? Because you have no respect for your wife and no self control, a troublesome combination. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I suspect you secretly like being the middle of this secret little love triangle and if you stay with your wife it won't be long till you find another young girl to "fall in love" with. I think this could be a pattern over the years, why? Because you have no respect for your wife and no self control, a troublesome combination. Absolutely. Let’s be honest, you don’t “love” the other woman. You don’t actually know what love is... but what you feel for her is infatuation. End your marriage and get with the other woman, and I can imagine that you will soon find yourself listing after someone else. You are selfish, immature, and you clearly lack the moral compass to have a loving, honest, and committed relationship with a woman- if you had this, you wouldn’t have done what you did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arun10 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 These are really intresting comments and it is nice to get a view of an outsider to the situation... just to be clear, this is not a regular occurance - this was a one off and I need to face it. The other woman has already told me to Foxtrot Oscar so it leaves me with the choice of telling my wife or not... I hate being in this triangle actually it is not something I enjoy. What if I was to wait a few months to see how things go, or is it a tell her tonight situation... not sure. I do love my partner and over the years I have and continue to do so much for her. But none of that matters now because I cheated. I want to try and make things work because after all we are married and we need to work things out... this is putting me on the path that telling her is the right thing to do... but if I was to wait a few months and it all worked out, why would I need to put her through such ***t Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Just remember Arun that if you chase infatuation the circle will never end. It is like a black hole, you will never come back out - and it will emotionally destroy you. The reason it will never end is because there is always another hot girl around the corner. Slow burning long term love doesn't feel like infatuation at all - and it's a couple's responsibility to keep things fresh over the years. Marriage is asking to build a life with another human being and possibly the lives of little ones. Ponder the responsibility you took on when you married, and ask yourself if you are up for more of it. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 These are really intresting comments and it is nice to get a view of an outsider to the situation... just to be clear, this is not a regular occurance - this was a one off and I need to face it. The other woman has already told me to Foxtrot Oscar so it leaves me with the choice of telling my wife or not... I hate being in this triangle actually it is not something I enjoy. What if I was to wait a few months to see how things go, or is it a tell her tonight situation... not sure. I do love my partner and over the years I have and continue to do so much for her. But none of that matters now because I cheated. I want to try and make things work because after all we are married and we need to work things out... this is putting me on the path that telling her is the right thing to do... but if I was to wait a few months and it all worked out, why would I need to put her through such ***t You don't get it. There is no "we" here. You lost that part of your relationship when you stuck your d*ck in another woman. End of story. You killed it. Done. Over. It is not up to you to make things work based on a lie. It is up to her if she wants to make things work, and the only way she gets to decide that is if you are honest with her. You don't have the right to make her decisions for her. That's extremely selfish. Be a man for Christ Sakes... Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 "We need to with think out" That's an arrogant statement considering you won't even confess but you need your wife to work on the marriage. Another thing, how long do you think you can keep this quiet when other people already know? You cheated for the first time in front of your friends, these same friends must have known what you were doing when you flew back there twice there? People aren't stupid and they talk, lies have a habit of coming to surface. Be prepared for your wife to find out by some other method. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 ... just to be clear, this is not a regular occurance - this was a one off and I need to face it. ... a 'one off'? really? more like a getting off over quite a period of time. you knew what you were doing, you planned and executed the meet ups. are you claiming brain damage or temporary insanity? jeez. own your ****. maybe you should really reflect on what you were really doing- was it your way of trying to end a relationship you probably, in your heart or hearts, did not want to be in? think long and hard about that. life is short.reflect on what you want in your life, truly, then act accordingly. If you don't rectify this situation, you will no don't find yourself in another 'one off' moment. and another, and another, all the while leaving a trail of broken hearts and lives. Living a lie is a sure recipe for a life lived badly. and one where you will be doomed to repeat the same drama again and again until you break the cycle. come clean and and do the honorable thing to pick up and repair the broken pieces. I truly wish you well Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 (edited) after all we are married and we need to work things out... Dude, you've only been married for one month! One month into your marriage and you're already trying to "work things out". So much for the "honeymoon phase" of your marriage. Get an annulment. No spouse deserves this crap. Your marriage was driven into the ditch before you left the driveway. Edited November 21, 2018 by Betrayed&Stayed Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 It is the passion, the excitement of being intimate together. I just dont get that from my wife. I am the only person she has ever been and it feels like she is more of my best friend rather than a woman that I am yearning and lusting for. I understand that marriage is not about lust as such but that passion still has to stay alive. When I was with the other girl - I felt happy holding her, taking care of her, making her smile. When I am with my wife, I just feel like its more of a transactional relationship. I also feel so much more physically attracted to this woman, I cant see my wife like this and I just dont understand why this is happening. The pain is killing me and how do i look at my wife every day knowing what i feel inside In your own words, that's what the future looks like for your wife. She'll be at best a friend, always judged as wanting compared to the memory of this other women. Hard to believe you when you say you love her if you're willing to do this to her. Were the shoe on the other foot, I can only imagine your reaction if you found out, decades down the road, that the disconnect you always knew was there was based on her undisclosed infidelity. It's just a really lousy way to treat another human being. Hope you're better than that... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 OP, I am going to be harsh with you, so if that is not what you are looking for, you may want to skip this post. First off, your logic is really warped. You talk about how you don't want to hurt your wife, you don't want to put her home/ livelihood at risk, yet that is exactly what you did. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't some drunken roll in the hay, it was planned, set out and included a lot of effort on your part. Sir, if you really cared about your wife, you would never, ever ask her to pay the price for your itchy feet, and you have no right to do that. I don't think you have any business being married, and I would ask you to consider what your answer would be if your ow contacted you and said she was fine with being in an affair with you. What would your answer be? If it's "yes" ( and be honest with yourself), then you have zero business being married. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 These are really intresting comments and it is nice to get a view of an outsider to the situation... just to be clear, this is not a regular occurance - this was a one off and I need to face it. The other woman has already told me to Foxtrot Oscar so it leaves me with the choice of telling my wife or not... I hate being in this triangle actually it is not something I enjoy. What if I was to wait a few months to see how things go, or is it a tell her tonight situation... not sure. I do love my partner and over the years I have and continue to do so much for her. But none of that matters now because I cheated. I want to try and make things work because after all we are married and we need to work things out... this is putting me on the path that telling her is the right thing to do... but if I was to wait a few months and it all worked out, why would I need to put her through such ***t The simple reason is that she has every right to know who it is that she married. She may be willing to stay with you and work through all of this. She may want to leave. Either way, she'll know where she stands, and if you ever want to have a strong marriage, there can't be this sort of huge secret. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arun10 Posted November 22, 2018 Author Share Posted November 22, 2018 The guilt is tearing me apart. How do I go about telling my wife? I have already lost the OW and I am guessing I will lose my wife too. It is an outcome of my actions, but how do I do it... I am just so confused. I wake up in the morning and for 30 seconds, its not on my mind then I think about what I have done. Because my wife does not know, I find myself thinking how I have ruined the life of this other woman and she must be going through a lot of pain having been betrayed by me. How do I tell my wife of a month that I have cheated, not once, not twice but three times. Going into the details of how I did it will be shocking as one post has said considering the 'planning' I went through it was clearly something I enjoyed. I have just gotten over the loss of a parent and this is the next thing I have to deal with... f*** me. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 I suggest you get a good counselor who can help you walk through all of this, and guide you through your next steps. You will get through this. The important thing is to recognize your mistakes, rectify your past misdeeds, and and the reasons that led you to do these things so as not to repeat the same mistakes. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 Painful as hell mate, but you either have to choose to tell her or not tell her, not stay in purgatory. I think you are someone who is leaning towards keeping this secret. You will then need to live with the pain old chap, of keeping secrets. There's no easy way out of this. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 I suggest you get a good counselor who can help you walk through all of this, and guide you through your next steps. You will get through this. The important thing is to recognize your mistakes, rectify your past misdeeds, and and the reasons that led you to do these things so as not to repeat the same mistakes. I wish you well. This makes a lot of sense. OP, is there any way you and your wife can make an appointment with a counselor who can provide you with help and support while you talk to your wife about this? Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 This makes a lot of sense. OP, is there any way you and your wife can make an appointment with a counselor who can provide you with help and support while you talk to your wife about this? I suggested HE get individual counseling first, and then proceed according to what the process entails, which could include sessions with the spouse. I also suggest OP find a solid, experienced one he builds a rapport with as he needs, imo, to work through what led him to his current state and support him. Couples counseling is different, which very well could be a part of the process-- with a different therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 My goodness, you HAVE to tell your wife. The fact that you married her when you had already cheated and the very day before you were married, you made plans to cheat again, demonstrates that you are not committed to her. Furthermore, I strongly suspect that had the OW not told you to kiss off, you would happily cheat again and again. Dude, you don’t have the right to destroy your wife’s life and I am at a loss for why you hate her so much that you would willingly do what you did AND continue to lie to her. As for it being a tough time in you life? Suck it up, buttercup. You authored this disaster! You scripted and wrote every single line - from hooking up with one woman, lying to her and starting a relationship while also lying and cheating on your fiancé-turned-wife. I can’t imagine how it would feel to be so excited to put on your wedding dress, walk down the aisle and find out a month later that it was the biggest mistake of your life. My heart breaks for her. But to have you continue lying to her? That you are sleeping next to her every night, building a shared life every day and the one thing that was supposed to stay just between the two of you, well, you were spreading it around Vegas of all places?! Tell her the truth. The fact that you don’t want to is a) you don’t want to be the bad guy, b) you don’t want to wind up along and c) you don’t want to have to “man up” and provide for her as well as paying the expenses from that sham of a wedding ceremony you let her go through. Maybe she will forgive you and you can build a good, new life. Maybe she will understand and you guys can separate as friends. Maybe new girl will accept you if you’re single. One thing for certain is that by lying, you leave yourself with absolutely no good options. Finally, I agree with the poster who talked about chasing infatuation. It’s fool’s gold. The real stuff... that’s the stuff that endures. It’s not white hot, let’s get naked anymore (Or maybe only occasionally), but it’s the “I am a part of this family” sense of belonging you get nowhere else. This likely won’t be the happy ending you or your wife ever wished for, but if you come clean, perhaps you will both live to love again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arun10 Posted November 22, 2018 Author Share Posted November 22, 2018 What I am most confused about is the fact that the day after I came home, I told the OW that I was married. But I can't tell my wife. I am at a loss as to why I told the OW. I know I need to tell her somehow and someway. I will be enquiring about counselling as I really do need to speak to someone about all of this - nobody knows what is going on, not my friends, not my family, nobody. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 But your friends were there the first time you cheated. Surely they noticed you wining and dining the OW not to mention staying out all night while you were vacationing with them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arun10 Posted November 22, 2018 Author Share Posted November 22, 2018 They didn't. I was able to get away as I was also working. I am seriously a f***** up individual. Link to post Share on other sites
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