First ever post...

[Arun10]

I have been with my partner for over 4 years and we decided that it was time to take the next step and get married. We were all set to go to get married in October and as people do, I went on a holiday in August. Out with the boys, I started talking to a girl in a club.

 

At first it was just some harmless flirting which then led to her having a dance with me, a kiss and she ended up giving me her number to meet up the next day. Having had the night to think about it, for some reason I did call her the next day and we met. We had dinner together and then to a few bars. Neither of us were drunk and I invited her back over to my place as she lived in a remote village so it was difficult for her to get back on a Sunday evening.

 

We talked until the early hours of the morning and yes, we did exchange a few kisses and I fell asleep on the sofa with her. We woke up after two hours and things just got heated out of nowhere. I now found myself in a situation where I could not control my desire. We did not have sex but we might as well have done. After this, she left the next day and I was due to return home. I found myself really cold with my wife for a few days. A few weeks passed and I found myself talking to the 'other' girl in any moment I could get and I irrationally booked another trip there before the wedding. We met again and spent a few days together, mostly drinking, going out and in bed.

 

She even insisted that I met her mother to say hello. I came back and a few days later, it was time. Again, my thoughts about the other girl vanished until a day before the wedding when she called to ask if I would come to her once more to spend time. Again, having been 'celebrating' before the big day, I did it again - booked a flight out for a month after the wedding and off I went. This time it was different. I found myself feeling that being with her, I was feeling something different - a connection which I never felt before.

 

We spent time together and this time I had even spent an evening with her family. We then ended the last day discussing - what next. She said it was up to me and if I was to end things she would be ok with it - so I did. Thinking this would be the end and I can get back to my marriage.

 

Little did I realise that on the way back from there, I found myself calling her again. She told me that I should not because I had made my choice and that was not to be with her. The next day, I called her and told her I was unfaithful. Unassumingly, she thought I had been unfaithful to her but she did not seem that phased by it as we were not together as such. I then proceeded to tell her she was the other woman and that I have a wife. Obviously, she is furious with me and has asked me not to get in touch with her ever again.

 

But I feel like she is the one for me and i have made the mistake of marrying someone else when it is the other girl I want to be with. I know I have not once mentioned the feelings of my partner, but she does not know and I know it would break her so badly she will do something silly so I am worried about telling her. She has moved to be with me and breaking things off right now would be a catastrophe not only to her and me but to her career, living arrangements etc which I cant bear to see her throw everything away just because of my mistake.

 

I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking and I understand that I may be projecting signs that I am in love but that it is not real and I am blinded by what I do not have in my current relationship and that is why I am pursuing this other woman but something in my heart and in my head wants to be with her.

 

I dont want to be made out like I am some victim because I know I am not but it is killing me inside and i just dont know what to do. this is.the first time that i have ever used a message board for anything so i have probably missed out some detail... help me...

Edited November 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to the LS community.

Commonly people do that when they are unsatisfied in some way with their fiancée?

 

Can you describe to us what you feel like you would be missing in your future wife if you married her? What did the other woman have that your fiancée did not? If its just a case of the wandering eyes, that's a matter of self control. If there is a tangible significant thing she is missing here, then we need to brainstorm.

[Arun10]

Well. Maybe I have not been clear. We just got married, so she is now my wife. It is not a case of wondering eyes as if it was, I would not feel like I am feeling now. It is the passion, the excitement of being intimate together. I just dont get that from my wife. I am the only person she has ever been and it feels like she is more of my best friend rather than a woman that I am yearning and lusting for. I understand that marriage is not about lust as such but that passion still has to stay alive. When I was with the other girl - I felt happy holding her, taking care of her, making her smile. When I am with my wife, I just feel like its more of a transactional relatiohship. We do things for each other, we help each other, we are moving foward as people but its like she is just blindly in love with me as opposed to actually seeing and understanding what I want. We have tried to speak about this previously so many times and it always goes back to square one. Maybe it is because I am 'getting to know'this other girl that I am feeling so madly for her, I dont know but see seems just to know how to put a smile on my face and more importantly in my heart. I also feel so much more physically attracted to this woman, I cant see my wife like this and I just dont understand why this is happening. The pain is killing me and how do i look at my wife every day knowing what i feel inside

Edited November 20, 2018 by Arun10
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[Garcon1986]

Have you considered it being the transition between fiery passionate love and the slow burning love of a long term relationship? Are you just missing the fiery burning love? This transition point happens in all relationships.

[Mrs._December]

I don't want an infraction for being brutally honest about what I think of your actions, so I'll do my best to sugarcoat this one.

 

About the LAST thing you are is a 'victim.'

 

The woman you lied to and led on to think you were single when in fact your wedding date was fast approaching, is a victim.

 

The woman you were engaged to and whose wedding date was approaching and who was all excited about her upcoming nuptials is a victim. While she was excitedly making all the final wedding arrangements for the big day and you lied to her and took off to see your girlfriend, that made her a victim. And lastly, the woman who made vows to cherish you for life and to be only with you while you were screwing around every chance you got and thinking about your 'feelings' for your other woman, is a victim.

 

Your wife is a victim on many levels.

 

The woman you had the colossal nerve to CON several times into seeing you and being intimate with you is a victim.

 

You're ANYTHING but a victim, yet here you are, all 'torn' and heartbroken, unsure of which way to turn.

 

Your girlfriend already told you to go piss up a rope (smart girl) so she's a dead end. What makes you think she'd give you the time of DAY after the con job you pulled on her? I would have throat punched you if I were her. You got off lucky, trust me.

 

As for your poor wife, you should hand her divorce papers because you're the biggest mistake she'll EVER make. She just doesn't know it yet. But you are.

 

Here's an opportunity to find your lost integrity, your lost honor, your lost decency and your lost character and finally do the right thing by both these women instead of continually deceiving them, manipulating them and using them for YOUR benefit.

 

Do the right thing for a change.

[Amethyst68]

Agree 100% with Mrs_December, you are not the victim here.

 

Please divorce your wife and let her find someone who truly loves and respects her. You cheated on her not only before the wedding but a month after exchanging vows. It didn't seem to take much to get you to cheat so somehow I can't see you staying faithful, not to your current wife anyway, she just doesn't seem that important to you.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

..I would not feel like I am feeling now. It is the passion, the excitement of being intimate together. I just dont get that from my wife. I am the only person she has ever been and it feels like she is more of my best friend rather than a woman that I am yearning and lusting for. I understand that marriage is not about lust as such but that passion still has to stay alive. When I was with the other girl - I felt happy holding her, taking care of her, making her smile. When I am with my wife, I just feel like its more of a transactional relationship.

 

 

How old are you? Do you really expect your wife to stoke your passion and fire after 4 years together - compared to a woman you just met at a club?! Please get an annulment. You have absolutely no business being in a marriage.

 

 

Think of the long term damage you have done to this poor girl from the club. Her future relationships are now permanently handicapped because of how you used her.

[Arun10]

Thank you all for your responses. I am overwhelmed with such instant responses. I am 28. I think it is clear i have the answer to what I need to do to make things right for the both of them.

[Arun10]

Is it wrong for me to give her another reason for our annullment? If I was to tell her the truth I can see her career ending because of our living arrangements.

[Garcon1986]

If you are really going to go through with this I suggest honesty. She won't want to be deceived on top of the avalanche of pain you are about to deal her. The polite thing to do would be to help her keep her job while you do this, it's really poor form to leave someone homeless in a breakup especially if she didn't do anything wrong to sabotage the relationship. Don't leave her homeless and without a job, that's just not right man.

[FMW]

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by her career ending because of your living arrangements, but regardless, tell your wife the whole truth. She needs to understand exactly what the situation is.

[misspalmy]

you need to end it with your wife. so you can start a new life. whats holding you back your got nothing to lose.

[Garcon1986]

Remember if you always chase the excitement of getting new tail you will never find it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it wrong for me to give her another reason for our annullment? If I was to tell her the truth I can see her career ending because of our living arrangements.

 

You want to lie to her about you reason for lying about your previous lies?

 

Somehow, doesn't seem like your main priority is protecting her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Until you decide what to do then make sure you use efficient contraceptive methods.

The last thing you want atm is to add a baby to the mix

[Amethyst68]

Is it wrong for me to give her another reason for our annullment? If I was to tell her the truth I can see her career ending because of our living arrangements.

 

Your living arrangements would change anyway, you just don't want to admit the truth because it'll make you a "bad" person. Man up and tell her the truth, you owe that much respect after putting her through a wedding.

 

You should also take on any outstanding finances from the wedding IMO, after all you had the opportunity to cancel beforehand!

[Arun10]

I have been sleeping and as I have woken up, I have been told I am saying things in my sleep such as I am not sure about things and that I am confused. My wife obviously knows there is something wrong. I am just so scared of what this will do to her and both of our families will just crumble to pieces. I know I should face up to it but I am still so scared. At night, I have found myself thinking about what I have done to the other girl too, and that I have ruined her life also. For me this feels like rock bottom and I am sorry for what I have done. I have been an evil and manipulating man. I feel disgusted in myself, yet I am still not able to face up and tell her the truth. I just don't have the courage.

[Arun10]

I have made the choice to stay with my wife and not telling her.

[Arun10]

I know that I have sinned, but I can be a better person and I have learnt something from this. I know I will be judged on the big day but my intentions are not cruel. I find myself staring into the air thinking about what could have been with the other girl but I know these feelings will pass one day. Many of you probably think I have made the wrong decision but I still love my wife and I still will take care of her and make myself an honest man. It is not today or tomorrow but it will be ok one day.

[JS84]

So irritating when people try to hide behind their "good intentions" or lack of bad intentions. Your intentions don't mean ****. Your actions do. You sound incredibly immature, even for a 28 year old. I feel sorry for your wife.

[Mrs._December]

I have made the choice to stay with my wife and not telling her.

LOL. I saw this from a mile away.

 

It's not your wife's feelings you're worried about. It's your own, and how YOUR life will change and how she'll look at you after she finds out who you really are.

 

This is, and always HAS been, the All About YOU Show.

 

Pffft.

[Arun10]

May I be forgiven one day.

[Mr. Lucky]

I still love my wife and I still will take care of her and make myself an honest man. It is not today or tomorrow but it will be ok one day.

 

Arun10, think about what you're doing. You're dooming your wife to a life as the consolation prize, the second-place winner you didn't really want. And while you're distracted by thoughts of your lost AP and grieving the one that got away, she gets to wonder what's wrong with her that she can't make you happy.

 

Don't love her, treat her with kindness. End this marriage you don't really want to be a part of and let both of you get on with your lives. Otherwise, risk wasting the next 20-30 years.

 

make myself an honest man.

 

Ask yourself, what would an honest man really do here?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I still will take care of her and make myself an honest man.

 

You have the opportunity to be a good and honest man today - tell your wife who she is married to and let her make the decision about whether she will stay in the marriage, or not. It is your decision - what kind of man do you choose to be today?

 

BTW, I am struck by the number of sentences in your post that begin with the word "I." "I want..." "I did..." "I think..." "I have decided..." You have a lot to learn about love, and matrriage, and what it is to be a respectable, responsible man.

[anika99]

I have been sleeping and as I have woken up, I have been told I am saying things in my sleep such as I am not sure about things and that I am confused. My wife obviously knows there is something wrong. I am just so scared of what this will do to her and both of our families will just crumble to pieces. I know I should face up to it but I am still so scared. At night, I have found myself thinking about what I have done to the other girl too, and that I have ruined her life also. For me this feels like rock bottom and I am sorry for what I have done. I have been an evil and manipulating man. I feel disgusted in myself, yet I am still not able to face up and tell her the truth. I just don't have the courage.

 

Get over yourself. Nobody's life is going to be ruined just because you're not in it. What a special man you must consider yourself to be, thinking everyone is just going to crumble to pieces over you. Your wife will be very hurt, at first, but in a few months when she starts to recover she will be so glad that she is not trapped in a sham of a marriage and her life will go on just fine without you. Your families will be angry, especially hers, but their lives will be okay too, because everything isn't about you, the world doesn't revolve around you, so get over yourself.

 

Nothing about this has anything to do with love for your wife. You just don't want to be honest and face the music. At least tell your wife what you did. Give her the choice to decide if she wants to be married to a cheater. Let her know the truth about her life and marriage.