Do guys really seek emotional intimacy?

[sabaton]

After being married for years and then divorced and dating, I am still not sure whether guys really seek emotional intimacy in a relationship or just give a good impression of it. Some seem to but others seem to just want a pal to play with (basically)

Many men seek for a deep emotional intimacy in a relationship, and they aren't happy if they don't get it, yes. Whereas many men - like me - do make a good show of caring about emotional intimacy because we know that's the sure way to get access to constant sex. By entering a romantic relationship and by giving a good impression that we feel love or whatever else it is that the gal is seeking for in a romantic relationship, because that's what gets us what we want.

 

This kind of guy, if we looked like Brad Pitt in his prime, many of us would really not care all that much about relationships and emotional intimacy, because it would be so easy, oh so easy for us to get sex whenever we wanted it.

 

But again, that depends on the guy. There's lots of men who want a lifelong/long-term relationship that is both deeply emotional, and intimate, and there's also lots of men that just want to get laid, but going to the nightclub every night gets tiring, your FWBS eventually enter a relationship, and escorts are cheap but if you visit them more than twice a month you end up broke lol, so girlfriends end up being cheaper in the long run.

 

I have dated a few guys and find that they do not seem to have much empathy. They talk about what interests them or try to tell me what to do, but I don't detect that they are really understanding how I feel. Is it asking too much of a guy to seek empathy?

Yes, there are men like that. I can understand the basic needs a girlfriend has(good sex, attention, validation that she's hot even though there's millions of men who'd love to smash, and someone who at least a good impression of listening to her) but in the end I don't really care much. I can go weeks, months without talking, if a girlfriend of mine doesn't initiate the convos, and even though I know that the chance of another guy being there to give her what she wants(and getting laid in return) is always present, I just don't care.

 

My father on the other hand has been married to my mother for 40 years or so and he's far more emotional and sensitive than I've ever been.

Edited November 14, 2018 by sabaton

[Lotus_Luna]

Many men seek for a deep emotional intimacy in a relationship, and they aren't happy if they don't get it, yes. Whereas many men - like me - do make a good show of caring about emotional intimacy because we know that's the sure way to get access to constant sex. By entering a romantic relationship and by giving a good impression that we feel love or whatever else it is that the gal is seeking for in a romantic relationship, because that's what gets us what we want.

 

This kind of guy, if we looked like Brad Pitt in his prime, many of us would really not care all that much about relationships and emotional intimacy, because it would be so easy, oh so easy for us to get sex whenever we wanted it.

 

But again, that depends on the guy. There's lots of men who want a lifelong/long-term relationship that is both deeply emotional, and intimate, and there's also lots of men that just want to get laid, but going to the nightclub every night gets tiring, your FWBS eventually enter a relationship, and escorts are cheap but if you visit them more than twice a month you end up broke lol, so girlfriends end up being cheaper in the long run.

 

Yes, there are men like that. I can understand the basic needs a girlfriend has(good sex, attention, validation that she's hot even though there's millions of men who'd love to smash, and someone who at least a good impression of listening to her) but in the end I don't really care much. I can go weeks, months without talking, if a girlfriend of mine doesn't initiate the convos, and even though I know that the chance of another guy being there to give her what she wants(and getting laid in return) is always present, I just don't care.

 

My father on the other hand has been married to my mother for 40 years or so and he's far more emotional and sensitive than I've ever been.

 

My question is if you end up in a long term union how will you handle this challenge.

 

Typically when a woman doesn’t feel heard she withdraws enotionsllay eventually the cycle of sex stops or slows

 

You get frustrated about the lack of sex, that comes out in anger

 

She pulls back more

 

You get angrier

 

 

Wouldn’t it be easier to learn how to be genuine?

 

 

 

God after reading this I wonder if all men are just evil or something... I feel lied to.

[MaleIntuition]

My question is if you end up in a long term union how will you handle this challenge.

 

Typically when a woman doesn’t feel heard she withdraws enotionsllay eventually the cycle of sex stops or slows

 

You get frustrated about the lack of sex, that comes out in anger

 

She pulls back more

 

You get angrier

 

Wouldn’t it be easier to learn how to be genuine?

 

God after reading this I wonder if all men are just evil or something... I feel lied to.

 

Yes. All men are sociopaths.

 

Or not.

 

Generalisations like these are pretty silly. Some men are selfish, and so are some women. There are men with lots of empathy and there are those whom lack it.

[DKT3]

^^^^this^^^^

This is a common female complaint.

Many women spend their lives making sure "he" is all right, whether "he" be father, son, husband, boss, friend... and when she needs emotional sport, he is nowhere to be found, he laughs at or minimises her concerns, or he is actually annoyed/confrontational/aggressive...

 

I guess it is the real reason many, many marriages flounder.

 

Marriage is tough because men and women dont understand one another, and refuse to compromise. No one is getting their needs met and they blame each other. Hey my husband loves sex maybe I should spice it up abit or my wife has been busting her azz maybe I should cook and bathe the kids for a couple days. It's all so simple, really. Except no one want to hold themselves accountable easy to blame the other.

[Lotus_Luna]

Marriage is tough because men and women dont understand one another, and refuse to compromise. No one is getting their needs met and they blame each other. Hey my husband loves sex maybe I should spice it up abit or my wife has been busting her azz maybe I should cook and bathe the kids for a couple days. It's all so simple, really. Except no one want to hold themselves accountable easy to blame the other.

 

Consideration and respect play a part in this. I also thinking choosing a partner wisely makes a difference. I know many happily married couples and they signify one another by accepting their partners limitations and finding ways to show appreciation.

[elaine567]

Marriage is tough because men and women dont understand one another, and refuse to compromise. No one is getting their needs met and they blame each other. Hey my husband loves sex maybe I should spice it up abit or my wife has been busting her azz maybe I should cook and bathe the kids for a couple days. It's all so simple, really. Except no one want to hold themselves accountable easy to blame the other.

 

The desire for emotional intimacy goes a bit deeper and is a tad more complex than can be solved by getting some help cooking and bathing the kids though...

[Lotus_Luna]

Yes. All men are sociopaths.

 

Or not.

 

Generalisations like these are pretty silly. Some men are selfish, and so are some women. There are men with lots of empathy and there are those whom lack it.

 

This is truth.

 

I have enough trust issues as is... this entire thread makes me want to give up trying...

[sabaton]

Marriage is tough because men and women dont understand one another, and refuse to compromise. No one is getting their needs met and they blame each other. Hey my husband loves sex maybe I should spice it up abit or my wife has been busting her azz maybe I should cook and bathe the kids for a couple days. It's all so simple, really. Except no one want to hold themselves accountable easy to blame the other.

 

Marriage is hard because lifelong monogamy is not natural. Religion was created for this purpose. To control women's sexuality and to bind one woman to only one man for the entirety of her fertile years, and then some.

 

Society make it so that a woman getting a divorce was seen as a pariah, that there was something wrong with her, and that she should be shunned by other men. And to this day, in most of the world outside of Europe and the USA and the former British Colonies and South America women are still treated this way - like a man's property.

 

Marriage is a very strange concept. Like, take for example this couple I was looking at when I was waiting for the train. She was clearly in her early 20s at most. He was in his 50s. Ya think she is sexually attracted to him? No. But it's either that or starving back home in China.

Can we really expect people to last an entire lifetime together with just one person? People seem to either end up physically cheating or they end up having an emotional affair, and with women and men working together, going to school together, and spending most of their time in the presence of the opposite sex staying monagamous gets increasingly hard.

 

And if not that, there's always instagram, twitter, facebook, and other places women and men ''meet'' each other and end developing a crush.

Marriage is like trying to be recruited by Real Madrid F.C when you have never touched a soccer ball before. I'm fascinated by it. Just like I am fascinated by heavyweight boxing and I have no interest in getting in the ring with a 220lbs 6'6'' monster

 

But yeah, I do admire the people who get married.

Edited November 14, 2018 by sabaton

[ThaWholigan]

Men subconsciously seek emotional intimacy whether they realize it or not. People are a lot more nuanced than perhaps we notice. Being able to communicate as freely with each other as your expressions can allow is probably the easiest way to get it. I believe in Love Languages too, I think it helps to know what your partner's language is. Responding to touch, or messages of affirmation etc.

 

 

 

The issue is men aren't really taught to be emotionally intelligent in the way that women are. It's not that we are not emotional, we very much are. But the breadth of our understanding and expression is often stunted by our experiences as young men growing into adults. It's something to unpack and doesn't often get solved overnight - and sadly it is the women who love us who can be left thinking that perhaps we don't desire intimacy in the same way.

[Chilli]

Yes. All men are sociopaths.

 

Or not.

 

Generalisations like these are pretty silly. Some men are selfish, and so are some women. There are men with lots of empathy and there are those whom lack it.

 

 

Yeah well said.

Just about everything in life and love goes both ways and there's nearly always the equivalent in women or men or ra ra ra.

Everyone's different and the generalizations do get really irradiating.

 

lt's usually more simply just about the particular person your with and for op or anyone really , finding the person the fits us, and things you personally love and need in a relationship, we're all different thank God, that's what it's all about.

[spiderowl]

I really don't see the point of having a partner who is emotionally checked out, but I know that's how a lot of them are. They pretend not to be while dating. But there are some who like to talk and I was lucky in that regard. But being the daily sounding board gets old for everyone eventually. I had several men who really confided in me. I was the person who heard, "I've never told anyone that before" a lot. But again, that's different than mind-numbing chitchat or complaining.

 

I really understand what you are saying preraph, thanks. I have found that I am often the one doing the listening and understanding. Then, when I need to talk, they guy talks! It is frustrating feeling you partner is so self-centred. I don't know whether empathy comes naturally to guys or not but I have lost count of the relationships I've dropped because understanding seems all one-sided.

[spiderowl]

Insulting question, like me asking “do women really enjoy sex?”

 

Men present differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry, it wasn't intended to be insulting, only to ask if it is something men actively seek as opposed to find sometimes.

[spiderowl]

Whenever I see questions such as this my mind goes into some sort of overdrive while trying to figure out the true meaning of this emotional intimacy stuff. I simply have no idea what you are talking about?

 

Thanks for your reply. I had to think hard about what I meant by emotional intimacy. If I meet a guy I really like, then I want to feel he cares about me and understands me. If I say I'm sad about something, he'll ask about it and encourage me to talk. He won't start telling me about something irrelevant because he's uncomfortable with such talk. There is an expectation of sharing and mutual comfort at an emotional level, not just physical sharing.

[spiderowl]

Absolutely. IME, way more than women.

 

Women often have games and end goals when it comes to relationship stuff. Just read through few stories here - females usually are after something (kids, Da ring, status whatever).

 

Men usually take it one step at a time - i.e. create actual, NOT goal-oriented intimacy. Both physical, and, what naturally happens later, emotional.

 

Thanks for your reply. It is interesting that you see the emotional intimacy as naturally following from physical intimacy. As a woman, I want the emotional intimacy so I can feel safe with the physical intimacy. However, guys always want to rush to the physical without really knowing me. That puts me off them altogether because their behaviour seems insensitive.

[TheRainbow]

I asked my husband this question because he is the most empathetic man I know. He says that there are empathetic men out there because he is one. His words. He says being emotional intimate is just important as being physical intimate.

[spiderowl]

Excellent point. Most men are fixers, while most women dont want or need us to fix their problems only to be a safe place to vent. Which brings up another point. For many if not most women non sexual intimacy and emotional connections consist of share ones personal feelings and experiences both good and bad. For many men this is a conflict, because it's more natural for us to protect the women in our lives. We like them comfortable and safe so we eat our issues and problems.

 

It's interesting you should say that because there are men - the 'players' in society - who take what they want and then become totally cold and uncaring. It is obviously not all men who want to protect women; some just abuse. I wish this was rarer than it appears to be too, but having experienced it, it is not a lack of interest in a woman but abusive behaviour. Fortunately, it is not all that common, but definitely shows an extreme version of a lack of empathy.

[spiderowl]

To be able to feel completely open, physically and emotionally, with someone - isn’t that what we’re all looking for? But this is a masculinity minefield. When I was single, nothing turned off the few GFs I had more than revealing too much too soon. And ironically, those of us who are naturally introspective, analytical, and sensitive have the smallest margin of error to work with in this regard. So, eventually you become so used to having to hide this part of you that it’s very difficult to flip the switch back.

 

I feel sorry that you have found this to be the case. I am not blameless in that respect however. I remember meeting a guy (a long time ago) who was sad that Elvis had died. It seemed vastly over the top to me and so I was not interested in him, despite him really wanting to talk with me. I don't think it was the fact that he was male that was the problem so much as it seemed a bit unreasonable to be so upset by the death of a distant star. That is the only case I think where I have been turned off by a man sharing emotionally.

[spiderowl]

IMO, each person has their own definition if they've reflected on it. Mine revolves mainly around proactive interest, empathy and a balanced exchange of what you refer to below.

 

 

 

 

Yes, and the expression varies from man to man. Some men are more 'masculine' in their expression, some more 'feminine', with the perception of that range being the purview of the woman in the relationship with the man.

 

 

 

 

Again, varies by man but the differences in emotional style definitely inhibited male friendships for many years, especially when young, and also was unattractive to women of my generation who preferred more John Wayne'esque stoic man. A rock.

 

IME, women do like sweet, caring empathetic sharing men, as gay friends. Bangin in the sheets, not really. However, they do want their 'rock' to have a few cracks and that's what keeps them in the game. Want. The guys who figure that out, especially young, are the masters of the game.

 

I still see it today pushing 60 with women my own age, long after the breeding imperative has gone. It's programming. I don't expect it to change. It is what it is.

 

There is probably an instinctive female desire to have a physical 'protector' or someone who can handle different people in society and therefore is capable of being a protector. A protector without an emotional capacity is just boring though. What is most interesting is a guy who is strong and capable of handling situations but is also compassionate and responsive. That is something special! Unfortunately, men don't seem to realise how attractive that is.