Wife cheated with her boss

[Marc878]

Be prepared to get on the phone tomorrow and tell everybody starting with her HR department.

 

No warning. Don't let your wayward wife know any plans. She will tip him off.

[Normm]

No warning. Don't let your wayward wife know any plans. She will tip him off.

 

 

But of course. There would be no point in him telling her "tomorrow I am calling your workplace".

[40somethingGuy]

Having hard time processing what you all are saying and correlating with what's happening 2 doors behind me.

 

She's coming out of "her" bedroom for short periods of time only. In her current state there's no chance of any meaningful discussion. She has admitted she was "involved" for whatever **** this means and "sorry" is basically the only word I hear.

 

We have no land line, her phone is on my desk and her laptop is in the study. So I don't think she's contacting him right now.

 

They were talking about him being worried he had sexually underperformed and her response was a bunch of emojies which I interpret like "don't worry it was OK" or something. Also about almost being caught in the office. The rest is mix of work relayed stuff and some mild romantic nonsense I cannot really summarise without extensive quoting.

 

Whatever happens "forgiveness" is off the table. We may save or try to save the marriage, keep living under the sane room but the concept of forgiving my wife for sleeping with someone else is a seriously ****ed one. I can easily forgive a fight over nothing or 6 hours long shopping spree but not this. That's not something I imagine saying "let's out it behind us, never happened".

 

If forgiveness is off the table the table then divorce is the only option. Just make sure she knows her actions will affect many more other than yourself, including her family and your kids. You obviously have a gold mine to seriously ruin this guy if they 'almost got caught in the office.' Take a photo of that text. DO NOT PROTECT THE OM. DO NOT GIVE A SH** WHAT HAPPENS AS YOU DID NOTHING AT ALL WRONG. GO NUCLEAR!!!! She knows she is done and you need to step on the throat and expose. To everyone. Yes, I am giving you the advice of what I WISH I DONE 2 years ago. I was in deep shock and somewhat protected her. DONT BE LIKE ME.

 

Tonight my wife was soooo sweet when I came home from work. Hugging me and trying to kiss me. Telling me that she loves me and is grateful for all I do. I was like 'whatever.' Largely due to your story reminding me of what I went through I was dismissive like 'whatever.' Then, I walked away and changed my clothes. 2 years later I regret not exposing everyone. I did pull a gun on the OM and he did call himself my bitch though. I didn't care but I got all the gory details. Anyways, just get the SOB fired, if your wife gets fired she will get another job and then be selfish for you. Find a good woman and launch the betrayer. Trust me, your wife was ready to take this secret to her grave if you didn't blow it up! Treat her like she needs to go to hell and don't make it easy.

Edited October 29, 2018 by 40somethingGuy

[bathtub-row]

I can’t believe she’s hiding behind a bedroom door when she should be talking to you and apologizing profusely. Even if she has no intention of staying with you, she should realize that she has hurt you. But she’s acting like she’s the injured party in all this. That’s completely ridiculous.

 

Look, what you can and can’t forgive is your business and your choice but I really can’t believe how she’s acting right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s communicating with him some way. Her behavior is very bizarre. Don’t you guys have a child? Where’s the child in all this?

[S2B]

I can’t believe she’s hiding behind a bedroom door when she should be talking to you and apologizing profusely. Even if she has no intention of staying with you, she should realize that she has hurt you. But she’s acting like she’s the injured party in all this. That’s completely ridiculous.

 

Look, what you can and can’t forgive is your business and your choice but I really can’t believe how she’s acting right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s communicating with him some way. Her behavior is very bizarre. Don’t you guys have a child? Where’s the child in all this?

 

I agree.

 

My thought was that maybe she has another burner phone.

[ChrisH81]

So are you saying you've stayed but your relationship is far from being the sane and you ate dismissive and uninterested? That you wish you had pulled the plug.

 

 

If forgiveness is off the table the table then divorce is the only option. Just make sure she knows her actions will affect many more other than yourself, including her family and your kids. You obviously have a gold mine to seriously ruin this guy if they 'almost got caught in the office.' Take a photo of that text. DO NOT PROTECT THE OM. DO NOT GIVE A SH** WHAT HAPPENS AS YOU DID NOTHING AT ALL WRONG. GO NUCLEAR!!!! She knows she is done and you need to step on the throat and expose. To everyone. Yes, I am giving you the advice of what I WISH I DONE 2 years ago. I was in deep shock and somewhat protected her. DONT BE LIKE ME.

 

Tonight my wife was soooo sweet when I came home from work. Hugging me and trying to kiss me. Telling me that she loves me and is grateful for all I do. I was like 'whatever.' Largely due to your story reminding me of what I went through I was dismissive like 'whatever.' Then, I walked away and changed my clothes. 2 years later I regret not exposing everyone. I did pull a gun on the OM and he did call himself my bitch though. I didn't care but I got all the gory details. Anyways, just get the SOB fired, if your wife gets fired she will get another job and then be selfish for you. Find a good woman and launch the betrayer. Trust me, your wife was ready to take this secret to her grave if you didn't blow it up! Treat her like she needs to go to hell and don't make it easy.

[Marc878]

I can’t believe she’s hiding behind a bedroom door when she should be talking to you and apologizing profusely. Even if she has no intention of staying with you, she should realize that she has hurt you. But she’s acting like she’s the injured party in all this. That’s completely ridiculous.

 

Look, what you can and can’t forgive is your business and your choice but I really can’t believe how she’s acting right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s communicating with him some way. Her behavior is very bizarre. Don’t you guys have a child? Where’s the child in all this?

 

It's all about her. Pretty normal if you are unremorseful. He wasn't supposed to find out. Now he's screwed up her other life and she's mourning the loss.

[ChrisH81]

I can’t believe she’s hiding behind a bedroom door when she should be talking to you and apologizing profusely. Even if she has no intention of staying with you, she should realize that she has hurt you. But she’s acting like she’s the injured party in all this. That’s completely ridiculous.

 

Look, what you can and can’t forgive is your business and your choice but I really can’t believe how she’s acting right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s communicating with him some way. Her behavior is very bizarre. Don’t you guys have a child? Where’s the child in all this?

 

We have son. He's scared as hell and I'm mostly taking care. She comes out to spend time but he gets more traumatized seeing her in a state she is.

 

She is apologising when she can and I don't think in a state she is she's talking to him, but what you seem to be right about is that feels like all about her, while I'm sitting here juggling things around and facing the cluster****.

 

I'm not seeing any forgiveness unless I'm certain she didn't sleep with him, but she did.

[S2B]

Typical cheater... only thinking of themself.

 

Selfish, self centered attitude with no consideration how THEIR actions have affected everybody else!

 

You really want that? Why?

[Marc878]

We have son. He's scared as hell and I'm mostly taking care. She comes out to spend time but he gets more traumatized seeing her in a state she is.

 

She is apologising when she can and I don't think in a state she is she's talking to him, but what you seem to be right about is that feels like all about her, while I'm sitting here juggling things around and facing the cluster****.

 

I'm not seeing any forgiveness unless I'm certain she didn't sleep with him, but she did.

 

Bud, you know what you read in their emails. Slipping into denial with the hope that it really didn't happen isn't going to help you. I'm sure you'll get denial from her or some such nonsense as he couldn't perform, we didn't finish, we stopped, blah, blah, blah. She was a willing accomplice who made herself available. Not much else really matters. From your posts it happened more than once. Even screwing in their office at work.

 

This is a lifelong gift she's given you. At this time you seem to be looking for an excuse. There isn't one.

 

There is no magic fix, it's not going to just go away. You are going to have to deal with it. Rugsweep at your peril !!!!!

[BMI03]

We have son. He's scared as hell and I'm mostly taking care. She comes out to spend time but he gets more traumatized seeing her in a state she is.

 

She is apologising when she can and I don't think in a state she is she's talking to him, but what you seem to be right about is that feels like all about her, while I'm sitting here juggling things around and facing the cluster****.

 

I'm not seeing any forgiveness unless I'm certain she didn't sleep with him, but she did.

 

This is important to keep a clear head about. Other than tossing a ‘sorry’ your way every now and then, do you feel like she is trying to determine what she can do to make this betrayal up to you? Does she seem to be concerned with asking you what you want and need to heal? Why does she get to lock herself in the room to cry and mourn what’s lost when she was the one in control, and you are the victim. Why are you taking care of your child on your own while she has time to feel sorry for herself.

 

Because, she’s not remorseful. She is sad, and that’s authentic, but don’t misunderstand and think it’s sadness for what she has done to you. She is sad about the consiquences she has now exposed herself to. She is angry at herself for being so careless as to let you find out. She is fearful that her job may be in jepordy. And she is concerned that her boyfriend’s life and marriage is going to benefit overly impacted by her mistake. AND, finally, she is mourning the loss her comfortable household in parallel to getting to enjoy her steamy lover.

 

The tears are real, but none of them are for you.

 

If you still have her phone, and really want to know the details, and I know o would were I you, I would text her boss from her phone. Some carefully worded messages and questions should get you want you want. “How many times do you think we flirted before we did it?”, “I remember that first time you kissed me, I wonder how many times our lips have touched?”, “now we need to start counting the fun stuff!”...he will play along and feed you info while he flirts back. Use it. It’s an asset to you right now, but only for a limited time.

[ChrisH81]

I will have to have a chat with her to understand where are we at and what and why this happened.

 

She's getting messages from work but not from this guy and all work related.

[BMI03]

I will have to have a chat with her to understand where are we at and what and why this happened.

 

She's getting messages from work but not from this guy and all work related.

 

If she asks for her phone back, don’t do it. Don’t give her a chance to warn him, or to check her phone so she knows exactly how much you know.

 

If she asks for it, tell her that you can’t trust her right now, and that you can give it back, but that if you do, than any chance to begin rebuilding trust right now is removed because she could take action to protect herself and her boyfriend. Tell her that by leaving the phone with you, she is giving the two of you the best chance for trust to begin being reestablished. That Govig it back may mean not being able to trust any of the actions that come next on any potential path to reconciliation.

[ChrisH81]

If she asks for her phone back, don’t do it. Don’t give her a chance to warn him, or to check her phone so she knows exactly how much you know.

 

If she asks for it, tell her that you can’t trust her right now, and that you can give it back, but that if you do, than any chance to begin rebuilding trust right now is removed because she could take action to protect herself and her boyfriend. Tell her that by leaving the phone with you, she is giving the two of you the best chance for trust to begin being reestablished. That Govig it back may mean not being able to trust any of the actions that come next on any potential path to reconciliation.

 

I agree, she hasn't so far.

[Marc878]

I will have to have a chat with her to understand where are we at and what and why this happened.

 

She's getting messages from work but not from this guy and all work related.

 

You know where you're at. There is no excuse for an affair. Don't be surprised if she blames it on you. I suspect you'll get trickle truthed, blame shifting, etc.

 

If you don't take control of this now. She will.

 

At least You know what's going on. Be thankful you aren't in the dark.

[Marc878]

You know enough to end the affair. That's always the first step.

[40somethingGuy]

So are you saying you've stayed but your relationship is far from being the sane and you ate dismissive and uninterested? That you wish you had pulled the plug.

 

Call me ghost of Christmas Past, Scrooge, or in a nutshell you are me April 2016. Your story resonated so if you sense some passion, that is why.l My experience sucked and while I did many things right, I did not bat 1000. So I get the chance to give insight on what it is like 2 years later.

 

For a quick synopsis- I was with her at oldest kids cub scout meeting and long story short the den mom's hubby was an old FWB with my wife 15-20 years before. I happily put her thru hell and tested her to try and re-establish loyalty. I rarely get turned down for sex now...unlike before. But I have days where I am just mad. Not even anything she did. Maybe I saw him or maybe something just set me off. We are overall pretty OK. I spy on her and she has been clean. I should rejoice. My wife basically has done all the right things. And unlike you, I have proof she didn't have intercourse in texts. But she wanted to. So it is like she did. I have many days I just stay away from her so I just don't go off when upset for nothing she did. The only way to describe it is 'she is forever tainted.' It is my reality. Catch her again and humiliation will be my pleasure. I know that. But I reconciled, nearly 3 years later, better sex, better life. Still have regrets not just cutting the cancer out and letting her live with knowing our kids would learn she ruined the family.

[Simple Logic]

You got her to admit. Now tell HR and his wife. Your wife won't like it but she needs to see you mean business and are not anyone's chump. Make sure to watch the online phone records too. Do not do marriage therapy. Most will blame u for your wife's choices. Most are feminist man hating hags. Did she give up.the phone easily?

 

I keep reading all these tell HR. What do you want HR to do? Absent a complaint of work place sexual harassment most employers do not have work rules prohibiting consensual sex between their employees - even if it is supervisor subordinate.

[Marc878]

I keep reading all these tell HR. What do you want HR to do? Absent a complaint of work place sexual harassment most employers do not have work rules prohibiting consensual sex between their employees - even if it is supervisor subordinate.

 

Most companies have ethics standards in place with a clause for fratranization.

 

Plus the emails state they almost got caught in the office.

 

I've seen a few escorted out the door for this behavior.

[Simple Logic]

Most companies have ethics standards in place with a clause for fratranization.

 

Plus the emails state they almost got caught in the office.

 

I've seen a few escorted out the door for this behavior.

 

That’s because you do not have the entire facts concerning the dismissal nor is HR going to make the facts public to the work force. Getting tossed usually involves a complaint of sexual misconduct, which will get you tossed rather quickly as a supervisor.

 

You think HR is supposed to be a marriage cop. If the husband complains, HR will investigate. That may involve forensics of company owned email, computers, and cell phones. If both employees report everything is consensual and they almost got caught kissing then what?

 

Maybe his wife gets tossed with a severance (we never had this issue til we hired her) and the supervisor is retained because the company sees him as an asset. Now he gets to pay spousal support because the wife is unemployed and she is still banging her boss.

Edited October 30, 2018 by Simple Logic

[S2B]

Whileshes locked in the room - it's impossible to understand if she only sorry she got caught - not sorry she cheated.

 

You need to know which it is - by allowing her to talk. Be a good listener to see which one it is.

[BMI03]

That’s because you do not have the entire facts concerning the dismissal nor is HR going to make the facts public to the work force. Getting tossed usually involves a complaint of sexual misconduct, which will get you tossed rather quickly as a supervisor.

 

You think HR is supposed to be a marriage cop. If the husband complains, HR will investigate. That may involve forensics of company owned email, computers, and cell phones. If both employees report everything is consensual and they almost got caught kissing then what?

 

Maybe his wife gets tossed with a severance (we never had this issue til we hired her) and the supervisor is retained because the company sees him as an asset. Now he gets to pay spousal support because the wife is unemployed and she is still banging her boss.

 

I disagree. If a company is large, professional, competitive, it has such ethics rules in place. It doesn’t require harassment complaints at all...just a (even relatively loose) seniority difference, or ability to influence over ones career.

 

Think of a company that hosts yearly performance rankings where employees at each level are laddered. Pay raises, bonuses, opportunities are based on that ranking. Someone in a more senior role cannot be in a relationship with someone in a more junior role without completely disclosing it to the company, and formally removing themselves from such performance processes.

 

I would suspect a law firm would especially be held to these standards given the potential for legal action if another employee felt the opportunities they were given were limited because of this relationship. Doesn’t have to be the case for it to be an issue, so most companies just draw a simple line in the sand that they expect you to follow.

 

The purpose of blowing it up with HR is also not to just ruin lives. It’s to expose the affair full on in public. It brings the WS to the realization of what they have done. It takes them from a position of control (in their eyes) and puts them into a position where they realize they do not control the situation any longer. This is the first step in seeing the harm they did, because they see themselves through other’s eyes. They see the shame for the first time because it’s not a secret any more. It really is the only first step to a true remorse and in turn, a true reconciliation.

Edited October 30, 2018 by BMI03

[Marc878]

It seems like he is leaning towards R. At this time he needs to take steps to try and kill the affair.

 

Nothing can happen until that ends.

[BMI03]

It seems like he is leaning towards R. At this time he needs to take steps to try and kill the affair.

 

Nothing can happen until that ends.

 

Agree with this!

 

 

Chris,

 

It may seem like the cat is out of the bag now, so the next step is to pick up the pieces and start working on things. You need to know that that is not where it is...yet...but you can get there.

 

For now, you need to see this from her perspective as well, so you protect yourself.

 

She has been keeping this secret for a long time that she has been sleeping with someone else. She thought you would NEVER find out. She continued to do it because she was so sure of it. She played around with him laughing about it. And then all of a sudden BANG, you know.

 

What would someone in that position do? They try to limit the damage. For now, she's doing damage control on two fronts. One, with you to limit the consequences she will feel for this. And two, for her OM because she feels a commitment to him and wants to protect him too.

 

So how does she do this? One, with you, she will try to limit your response. She will want to downplay. To do this, she will want to know how much you know. She will need to admit to at least that to maintain your trust, maybe even a bit more than you know in order to convince you she is coming clean and giving you the full truth, but this is also a lie. This is the same woman that a week ago would have answered a random cheating accusation with "I HAVE NEVER!".

 

So she will only go so far in what she admits which she thinks is needed to convince you she is being truthful. And she knows you...so she knows well where that line likely is. It may be:

 

"I am so sorry baby...I can't lie to you...I can't keep this up any longer because it's killing me inside to not share it with you...I don't know how it just escalated so quickly and I was in over my head before I even knew what was happening...it started with some flirting and I didn't know how to handle it because he is more senior than me, I was scared to say no and didn't know how to get out of it without it jeopardizing my career. It was only three times. He wanted more but I was able to hold back in some cases. Others, I thought it best to just go along with it to keep him happy so he wouldn't mess with my job...honey, I am so sorry...I should have just come to you. What's that? Press harassment charges? No, I just want to move on from this...the pain is too much and I don't want to be reminded of it. What's that? Tell his wife. You can't baby...my job...I don't want to create more drama than it already is. I will not be comfortable at work? Change jobs? But our mortgage...I don't think we can make such a dramatic change financially, and right now I feel so bad about all of this, all I want to do is go to work and get my days over with until I find something new. I will be able to avoid him at work and will make sure he knows his advances are not welcome. I may need your help...if he approaches me I will call you and you can support me, ok? Thanks baby...I love you so much...I feel closer to you having talked it out. We make a good team!".

 

Meanwhile, OM is being warned about what happened. They are coordinating stories, doing damage control together. They may decide together to end it, both planning on waiting until the heat dies down only. Then it all starts up again.

 

This is why you need to expose. YOU are not emotionally armed to hear the woman you love lie to you with such intensity about something you never want to be true in the first place, because you are helpless but to believe the lies. When you expose, you remove her from the driver's seat. Now, she loses the upper hand to manipulate you, because now other people have your back and are watching how things unfold. They can be the additional eyes and ears supporting your decisions and ensuring you are taking the right actions.

 

Only then, will she see the impact of her actions. And only then, will it hit her hard enough for her to hit the critical fork in the road where she needs to decide whether she wants her marriage or her lover, because only then will she realize she can't have both.

[S2B]

We don't know for sure he wants to try with her. It may depend on how honest she can be - how willing she is to change and where her alliances seem to be.

 

And we don't know if she is willing to repair all this damage she has caused.

 

We also don't know if she's willing to quit her job - IF they try to reconcile - she absolutely cannot work there even one more minute!

 

We don't know if she willing to stop all forms of communication with her OM.

 

I would expose immediately to the MM wife. NO allowing wife to roadblock that one - no way - his wife needs the truth... and in person so you know for sure she gets the info.

 

 

If needed, tomorrow call her work and tell them she is sick. No going to work tomorrow. If she won't agree to even that - there's not one reason to consider working on anything with her...except a divorce.