Wife cheated with her boss

[bathtub-row]

I think you’re getting good advice if there’s a need for all the covert actions. When my ex cheated on me, he was blatantly obvious about it - didn’t come home until the next morning. He told me later he did it to get back at me because we had been in counseling due to his verbally abusive behavior and I had reached a point where I knew it was time to end the marriage. But he talked me out of it, and then got back at me. I filed for divorce immediately, which he didn’t expect. Things between him and the girl fell apart very quickly because he suddenly didn’t know what he wanted. Months went by, then we tried to reconcile but it didn’t work. He was simply too abusive and I knew he’d never change.

 

My point is, there was no secrecy about the affair and it made no difference either way, as far as I could tell. Whether your wife denies it or not isn’t relevant either. You know the truth. It’s possible that if you confront her right away and then file for divorce, she could very well wake up to what she’s doing. But you being decisive is the key. And don’t think I wasn’t upset because I was. I had diarrhea for a week or two, literally had nightmares and would wake up crying. That kind of thing never happened to me before. I always thought it was the stuff of Hollywood. It took a really long time for me to make peace with the whole thing. So, I say this with all sincerity - I’m sorry this has happened to you.

[40somethingGuy]

All of the above plus more.

On top of everything else I feel like a complete idiot for not reacting earlier.

Another sign is whether she changed her look 'down there.' Did she go from natural to groomed or shaved out of the blue? Another possible sign.

[DKT3]

Let me clarify. When stuff like this happens, I find most men take hard action and work the situation. Whereas women are emotional.

 

Look at all the advice on this thread. Great advice, but not many are addressing the emotional side of this mess.

 

Sorry I offended. Men are human. But men are also about business in these situations. And I would guess most commenting on this thread were men in this position at some point (I was a woman in this position). Make sense?

 

It's best to operate without emotion in matters of infidelity. Plenty of men just get emotional and they are like wounded prey for dangerous predators. That is what infidelity has thought us men who has been there, that is why the advice is so uniform here by male posters.

[Buckeye2]

I'm not sure for how long can I keep my cool and pretend I'm just busy.

 

She obviously detected something is going on. Barrage of "are you all right" and "is anything going on* then... just static.

 

She knows you well so it’s impossible to act normal. You need to come up with a health or work problem to explain your behavior.

 

It’s easier to lie when truth is mixed in. I would use a real problem or concern at your work and blow it all out of proportion. This would explain why you're spending more time working. Confide in her about it. You might even ask for advice.

 

As others have said get whatever proof you can before you confront. When you confront don’t use all of your evidence because you will give her a framework for her story.

 

Leave some stuff out to test her. For example if you find two hotel receipts tell her you only found one. Then see what she says about the number of hotel visits.

 

You may want to Velcro a voice activated recorder (VAR) under her car seat.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Buckeye2

[Starswillshine]

It's best to operate without emotion in matters of infidelity. Plenty of men just get emotional and they are like wounded prey for dangerous predators. That is what infidelity has thought us men who has been there, that is why the advice is so uniform here by male posters.

 

I agree.

 

I'm doing a banged up job explaining myself. The advice is good. I remember when I found out, it is the single most devastating moment of my life. And I have dealt with the sudden death of a parent and extremely close people. I remember in the moments, days, weeks afterwards, good meaning friends offering me advice much like on here, after awhile, I just wanted someone to hug me and say "I am really sorry you are going through this." I had just found out the man I loved with every fiber of my being, the man I had been madly in love with for over 2 decades had broken every promise. Unfortunately, we have all been there. I was just given him some compassion and empathy that we sometimes (especially guys, no knock here guys) forget to give when we need to get down to business.

 

Hope that better explains it? I really need to figure out a way to articulate myself better.

[ChrisH81]

If the roles were reversed and you were putting your wife's health at risk for STD's; do you think that she would be behaving the way you are? I seriously suggest that you get tested for STD's and contact an attorney to understand your legal options. Good luck.

 

I'm sorry, what are you talking about?

 

I always thought it was the stuff of Hollywood. It took a really long time for me to make peace with the whole thing.

 

Exactly it feels surreal, like reading someone's else story.

 

I agree.

 

I'm doing a banged up job explaining myself. The advice is good. I remember when I found out, it is the single most devastating moment of my life. And I have dealt with the sudden death of a parent and extremely close people. I remember in the moments, days, weeks afterwards, good meaning friends offering me advice much like on here, after awhile, I just wanted someone to hug me and say "I am really sorry you are going through this." I had just found out the man I loved with every fiber of my being, the man I had been madly in love with for over 2 decades had broken every promise. Unfortunately, we have all been there. I was just given him some compassion and empathy that we sometimes (especially guys, no knock here guys) forget to give when we need to get down to business.

 

Hope that better explains it? I really need to figure out a way to articulate myself better.

And I thank you for this. I've dealt with loss and this is no better.

[ChrisH81]

As for the rest of the advice -. I'm getting the right ones. It is just following it tborugh doesn't seem working for me. I've used work and being tired as an excuse, but this gives me hours, not days. Not enough to get a recorder, hire PI, go undercover.

 

Very tempted to just ask her to give me the phone.

[Chassit]

I'm sorry you're going through this man.

[40somethingGuy]

As for the rest of the advice -. I'm getting the right ones. It is just following it tborugh doesn't seem working for me. I've used work and being tired as an excuse, but this gives me hours, not days. Not enough to get a recorder, hire PI, go undercover.

 

Very tempted to just ask her to give me the phone.

 

 

Well, you got the proof from her phone, right? Are you able to open it? Have your there to take photos to store in yours.

 

 

You also could just cold shoulder her. But not mention why. Blow her off. Just tired and stressed or whatever.

 

 

You could just say, 'OK, this is your one time to tell me what you have been up to the past X time.' But it is better to have proof in hand. You know what you saw. How do you get it to take a picture of it?

 

 

I know I would just act weird and aloof. Go to an attorney for sure. Even sit in a bar for awhile while you relax and think about things or wherever you are comfortable. You gotta let her know you are not a cuck chump. For sure you gotta take this guy down and tell his wife. He had no care for you in the world so why care about him? I don't get how many men get passive in confronting head on the people who helped ruin their families (your wife is still the one that ultimately ruined your family). I realize with kids this is easier said than done. I was there. But even if you stay life with her will never be the same and she will always be tainted. Plus, how can you ever be intimate with her knowing at least one other man has had her. Don't let her say sex never happened. With the length of time this has gone on that is nearly impossible. Women who don't want it to go that far don't do what she did.

 

 

One more thing- do you have access to her personal cell records? I think you said she has a work phone. However, on her personal phone you could see the texts and calls made. Even deleted texts show up on the phone bill online.

Edited October 25, 2018 by 40somethingGuy

[Marc878]

It's early and your head is spinning.

 

Don't offer Reconcilliation up front. It is a gift that should not be given lightly. Plus it may give her control over the situation. You don't want to linger in limbo hell any longer than you have to.

 

Don't jump into marriage councilling. A lot are notorious rugsweepers. They get paid to keep the marriage going and if they are good can cause more harm than good.

 

Don't take the blame for her affair.

 

You do need to determine if this is a deal breaker. Put some thought into it.

 

If you don't get the facts now you'll never get them and always wonder.

 

If you have the funds a good PI can be put on this with a phone call.

 

You can stall for time by pretending to work late, etc. I've got a big important project and will be occupied for the next week, etc. buy yourself some time.

 

If it's a deal breaker and that may not be apparent upfront you have all you need. Unless it's an at fault state which mean if infidelity can be proved she gets no alimony.

 

You didn't deserve this. It is a lifelong sentence. It'll dissipate but never go away completely.

 

Take care of yourself

[40somethingGuy]

It's early and your head is spinning.

 

Don't offer Reconcilliation up front. It is a gift that should not be given lightly. Plus it may give her control over the situation. You don't want to linger in limbo hell any longer than you have to.

 

Don't jump into marriage councilling. A lot are notorious rugsweepers. They get paid to keep the marriage going and if they are good can cause more harm than good.

 

Don't take the blame for her affair.

 

You do need to determine if this is a deal breaker. Put some thought into it.

 

If you don't get the facts now you'll never get them and always wonder.

 

If you have the funds a good PI can be put on this with a phone call.

 

You can stall for time by pretending to work late, etc. I've got a big important project and will be occupied for the next week, etc. buy yourself some time.

 

If it's a deal breaker and that may not be apparent upfront you have all you need. Unless it's an at fault state which mean if infidelity can be proved she gets no alimony.

 

You didn't deserve this. It is a lifelong sentence. It'll dissipate but never go away completely.

 

Take care of yourself

 

I know I have shared this on here before but I will share again. My wife and I went to our kids first cub scout meeting and my wife knew the den mom's husband. My wife reacted with total shock in seeing him but introduced him to me as a 'friend of her brother's from back in the day.' Basically an acquaintance from the past. Later on about 6 months later I discovered her and him texting A TON and they met on a few of their lunch breaks. Come to find out he was a friend of her brother's but also a longtime off and on FWB over about 5 years! He was wearing a tank top, hairy as hell, and about 400 lbs. Not even a threat I thought! Saw all I needed on her phone. Went to therapy and this worthless hag therapist BLAMED ME for my wife running into him by chance and deciding to see 'if the sparks were still there or not since she never got closure from 17 years prior.' I was treated like crap from her. Just a male hating feminist who had no business in the marriage therapy business. It should be a felony she took my money and my wife even agreed she was crap and not even considering what I was going through. The 2nd one was better but very canned and neither one wanted to peel the onion back to see why my wife out of nowhere decided to pull this stunt. Of course, me outing them both was never the plan. It is a total money grab exploiting people reaching out for help.

[bathtub-row]

I’ve been to a few really bad therapists and it’s a very troubling thing when you’re already in a place of turmoil. The worst one was the one who truly did not understand verbal abuse and its dynamics. Then there was the woman who thought my future ex was a great guy and said I was making a mistake leaving him. My ex put on a fantastic act with her and they even laughed together during a session. I told her if she thought so much of him, she could date him. Someone told me later that the reason she said that to me was because she had left her husband and regretted it.

 

Bad therapists can be very dangerous and a lot of them have more drama and issues in their lives than their patients do. Their advice or observations are not gospel.

[ChrisH81]

I think that is what I'm going to do. Access the phone, and demand explanation to the messages I spotted.

 

Checking messages / calls history won't help much (he's her boss) unless there are midnight calls when they were not working.

 

The phone is technically mine. The Outlook is connected to the company mail and protected by the policy, but I'm not going to access that, the messages were on external messaging app. And if she and her lawyer lower want to take it legal, OK, hope she can be proud of herself.

 

I wish nothing more to get back here and post "I was paranoid, nothing happened ", but given the content of the messages the chances are zero.

 

 

Well, you got the proof from her phone, right? Are you able to open it? Have your there to take photos to store in yours.

 

 

You also could just cold shoulder her. But not mention why. Blow her off. Just tired and stressed or whatever.

 

 

You could just say, 'OK, this is your one time to tell me what you have been up to the past X time.' But it is better to have proof in hand. You know what you saw. How do you get it to take a picture of it?

 

 

I know I would just act weird and aloof. Go to an attorney for sure. Even sit in a bar for awhile while you relax and think about things or wherever you are comfortable. You gotta let her know you are not a cuck chump. For sure you gotta take this guy down and tell his wife. He had no care for you in the world so why care about him? I don't get how many men get passive in confronting head on the people who helped ruin their families (your wife is still the one that ultimately ruined your family). I realize with kids this is easier said than done. I was there. But even if you stay life with her will never be the same and she will always be tainted. Plus, how can you ever be intimate with her knowing at least one other man has had her. Don't let her say sex never happened. With the length of time this has gone on that is nearly impossible. Women who don't want it to go that far don't do what she did.

 

 

One more thing- do you have access to her personal cell records? I think you said she has a work phone. However, on her personal phone you could see the texts and calls made. Even deleted texts show up on the phone bill online.

[Marc878]

I think that is what I'm going to do. Access the phone, and demand explanation to the messages I spotted.

 

Checking messages / calls history won't help much (he's her boss) unless there are midnight calls when they were not working.

 

I would bet there are a lot of calls/texts off company time. That's where the bulk of the affair will take place.

 

The phone is technically mine. The Outlook is connected to the company mail and protected by the policy, but I'm not going to access that, the messages were on external messaging app. And if she and her lawyer lower want to take it legal, OK, hope she can be proud of herself.

 

I'm sure the company policy has a clause for unethical behavior such as using company email/phones for a partner to have an illicit sexual affair with his subordinate.

 

I wish nothing more to get back here and post "I was paranoid, nothing happened ", but given the content of the messages the chances are zero.

 

Bud you are needlessly worrying about legality while your wife's boss is screwing her?

 

Get the facts and blow his ass up. He deserves no less.

 

If it were me once I got the info I'd send copies to all his other partners and superiors including HR.

[Marc878]

No warning. Don't let your wife know. Just do it. Let them deal with the fallout.

 

I suspect you'll get much closure and a heavy weight off your chest.

 

You didn't deserve this but they do deserve the consequences.

 

If his firm digs and they will don't be surprised at what comes out of this.

 

Her other man who is a partner and superior will be held a lot more accountable than your wife.

 

I've seen this play out before.

[Marc878]

I think it would be wise to use a deleted text recovery.

[Normm]

I think that is what I'm going to do. Access the phone, and demand explanation to the messages I spotted.

 

 

Sorry to hear this. Hopefully you'll start making better choices as things progress.

[ChrisH81]

Bud you are needlessly worrying about legality while your wife's boss is screwing her?

 

 

Not at all. If she wants to replace me with a married dude 15 years older than her with the looks of used cars salesman AND feels she needs to get me into trouble for not being mute, deaf and blind, that's on her.

 

Sorry to hear this. Hopefully you'll start making better choices as things progress.

 

Hope so.

[Normm]

We tend to learn from our mistakes otherwise we are destined to keep on repeating them. Lots of us who have been through what we see other going through, and realize they're making mistakes get rather frustrated but we also understand that sometimes we have no choice but to let our emotions rule our actions and over time, as emotions cool down, and reality and acceptance sets in, common sense begins to prevail.

[Marc878]

Not at all. If she wants to replace me with a married dude 15 years older than her with the looks of used cars salesman AND feels she needs to get me into trouble for not being mute, deaf and blind, that's on her.

 

You do this right. When the crap hits the fan he'll be ducking for cover. He'll have more issues to worry about rather than you.

 

Like his ethics issues, company policy, wife, etc.

 

I've seen them being walked out the door before for fraternizing with a subordinate.

[Marc878]

How's your act holding up?

 

Sometimes when they are neck deep in their affair they don't pay as much attention as they normally would.

[40somethingGuy]

Not at all. If she wants to replace me with a married dude 15 years older than her with the looks of used cars salesman AND feels she needs to get me into trouble for not being mute, deaf and blind, that's on her.

 

 

 

Hope so.

If you do show her the messages and admits something-she will be adamant that you don't confront him. She will promise to break it off etc. Don't fall for the BS. First off you'll likely only get a portion of the truth. Very watered down. U may find she will want to protect him cuz she may assume she has to work with him. Regardless ruin the guy and tell her she too has to face the consequences. However get as much info from her as u can first then go nuclear.

[Normm]

You said the messages were "explicit and revealing". Does that mean they're prove positive that they are having sex or are you just reading into some very flirtatious texting? Because if she can weasel out of it with some lame explanation such as "we were just playing around in the texts and yes I probably crossed a line, sorry won't do it again", she is going to do just that and you'll be worse off than you are now.

[Marc878]

A lot of time the cheater will try and do everything to protect their other man.

 

At your expense.

 

You can't trust her. Her words will mean nothing. Upfront.

 

As for later only time will tell.

[ChrisH81]

You said the messages were "explicit and revealing". Does that mean they're prove positive that they are having sex or are you just reading into some very flirtatious texting? Because if she can weasel out of it with some lame explanation such as "we were just playing around in the texts and yes I probably crossed a line, sorry won't do it again", she is going to do just that and you'll be worse off than you are now.

 

How the **** else should I interpret him "having a screw loose in bed last time" and worrying he's "underperformed"?