Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[elaine567]

You mean the SOB he was all along. The nice and charming one was the illusion... the one that dreams out loud hoping you believe him with future faking.

 

Just needed to fix that.

As I said " the "real him" is the SOB"

We(gen) tend to think and are led to believe he "turned into" a nasty piece of work... we fall in love with the good guy, we don't like to think we have been duped so we prefer to see the good guy as who he really is and something must have terribly gone wrong somewhere... and if we are really "in deep" we try to stick around to fix him...

[Beendaredonedat]

@been. Thank you for your opinion. I am not in limbo as both are a thing of the past, not to be resurrected. As for my marriage, it is in name only. My ex and I are in agreement. We have our arrangement, for a variety of reasons, none of which I intend to elaborate on.

Well, arrangements aren't anything new however:

 

I think it's pretty well known that most men actually worth having won't take you seriously if they know you're not free to take so best to go in without zero expectations of your married (or single) man/men. I don't think its in your best interests to view yourself as a victim of a married man who won't leave his spouse when you're a married woman that won't leave yours.

 

Have fun enjoying your "arrangement" but keep your heart safe.

[sagamore]

I’m very surprised, after all these posts, that you intend to remain married, even if only in name.

[PhoenixRising8]

Well sagamore, it's fairly simple. For the second time in my life, I am being selfish. I am controlling the narrative, rather than being controlled.

 

It all boils down to the financial. 50% of the assets are monetary, of which almost all are held under my name because I saved for them, not him. Because of our divorce laws (I do NOT live in the US), I would have to split those equally with him. Our physical assets would also have to be equally divided except that as a stupid young woman 'in love', I put my entire inheritance from the only people who ever loved me into our home. That represented a substantial amount of the purchase price. So again, he would get half of that. In the meantime, because of what he did to our daughter, she has refused to speak to him for the last year. Rather than be remorseful for the way in which he blew her identity and world up, he has threatened to disinherit her. While we are married, he can not will away any jointly owned assets without my consent, so I am protecting my child's financial future and my inheritance from his squandering it and willing it away to god knows who. Being 18 years my senior, and in his 70's with significant medical issues, he would get to live the dream while I would have to start watching pennies and have to sell my house in the process to pay him out. Fair? I think not.

 

He is living 2 hours away at our vacation property and being well taken care of financially. Neither of us intends to remarry. I have to support him for the rest of his god forsaken life anyway. He has been quiet as a church mouse the last 4 months, because I finally fought back on his terms. Even asked last week if there was any chance of reconciliation. Uhm, no. Not in this lifetime, or any other.

 

So in a nutshell, I am protecting my child's future and protecting myself. He could file but he knows it would be fruitless as he has brought out the beotch in me. I can (and would) drag this out for a til death do us part and waste a lot of money in the process, but at least he wouldn't get it, and he knows that. So he is playing ball.

 

There is only so far I can be pushed and he has pushed me over the line.

 

As for the other cretin in my life, he too has pushed me over the line and it is all I can do to refrain from spilling all to the BS.

Edited May 28, 2019 by LilKatKat

[BTDT2012]

As for the other cretin in my life, he too has pushed me over the line and it is all I can do to refrain from spilling all to the BS.

Wouldn't that expose you to the risk of her spilling all to your husband?

[PhoenixRising8]

And likely the only thing that's holding me back. But I do have a plan .... will likely not be executed soon as I must wait for a particular occurrence. You know what they say though ... revenge is a dish best served cold.

[BTDT2012]

The best revenge is living well.

[PhoenixRising8]

Yes, that too. But I can dream about revenge, can't I?

[Beendaredonedat]

Yes, that too. But I can dream about revenge, can't I?

 

Yes, as can both men you talk about in this thread.

[PhoenixRising8]

Yes, as can both men you talk about in this thread.

 

Your point? I haven't done anything to them that warrants revenge.

[Naivewomen]

Lilkat, your greatest revenge amd power is to let him fully go. Don't ever even give him the satisfaction that you cared. By staying away and avoiding him at all costs he will believe he himself wasnt worth it. He should not be worth the fight or another thought consuming your mind. He came into your life for a reason other than the hurt look at the things you have learned from this experience with him. You wont make these decisions again. You will be happier and a better lover!! I cant wait for you to report here that you REALLY fell in love with a REAL man. Just be patient, kind and loving to yourself, you are going through a breakup and it's awful. You dont need revenge. Hugs to you!

[Bittersweetie]

Kat, I went through a time where I wanted revenge too. I think it was more about projecting the anger I had at myself onto MM than me wanting to actually mess up his life. I held off on doing/saying anything and am glad I did, because I eventually got past any urges for revenge. There's no longer any need for me to waste any mental energy on him or his situation, I'm focused on all the things I have going for me. I don't care if he's paying for his choices or if he got away with everything. He means nothing to me. I'd suggest holding off on doing anything, to see where you are in six months, a year, longer.

[Beendaredonedat]

Lilkat, your greatest revenge amd power is to let him fully go. Don't ever even give him the satisfaction that you cared. By staying away and avoiding him at all costs he will believe he himself wasnt worth it. He should not be worth the fight or another thought consuming your mind. He came into your life for a reason other than the hurt look at the things you have learned from this experience with him. You wont make these decisions again. You will be happier and a better lover!! I cant wait for you to report here that you REALLY fell in love with a REAL man. Just be patient, kind and loving to yourself, you are going through a breakup and it's awful. You dont need revenge. Hugs to you!

 

I think a more important thing to read would be that she report here that a man REALLY fell in love with her and was free to do so. Hopefully that will be when she is free from her husband in order to REALLY love him back.

 

I don't mean to appear to be targeting here but as I said earlier, its unlikely that she will find that kind of love and relationship until she is free to have one like that.

[PhoenixRising8]

@beer ... I AM free, despite what you think. I have explained my rationale and a secure, rational man will understand. But at this point, another man is the LAST thing on my mind.

 

I've read your posts on other threads and find a common denominator in all of them. You post nothing of use or value so keep posting away. You are now on permanent "mute".

[Beendaredonedat]

Your point? I haven't done anything to them that warrants revenge.

 

If you can't see where you are being disloyal to your husband, making yourself a victim and framing the MM as an evil doer whom you knew was married when you got with him then there is no point in me explaining.

[PhoenixRising8]

The marriage has been over for years before the physical parting of ways over a year ago. What part of that is difficult to understand? I am "disloyal" to a worthless piece of paper. The ex is making his attempts at dating. Everything is for convenience only. It may not be right for you but it works for us.

 

As for MM, he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to do what he would like to. He has put a lot of time and effort in, more so than me. He was the one doing hour and a half round trips 3-5 times a week to be with me, not the other way around. If he had a backbone where his wishbone resides, things might have ended differently. That's his issue. What I know is that his marriage isn't suddenly going to be good because they both are rug sweepers. And he will continue to have as much, ultimately possible more, dissatisfaction with his marriage. Again that's his problem and his choice if he isn't going to do anything one way or the other (work on the marriage or leave). All I know is, I have the ability to find happiness whereas he doesn't unless he actually finds the balls to do something. In the end, I'm happy I'm me and not in his position.

[BTDT2012]

@beer ... I AM free, despite what you think. I have explained my rationale and a secure, rational man will understand. But at this point, another man is the LAST thing on my mind.

 

 

 

I'm glad another man is the last thing on your mind. That secure rational man you speak of won't want any type of permanency with another man's wife. I was separated from my exH for five years (living completely separate lives with no financial entanglements), and during that time men who were looking for serious relationships weren't interested in me.

[PhoenixRising8]

Thanks for sharing your experience BT. Definitely something to consider for the future. For now, I need me time, to figure me out and what I want, without a man. Haven't done a great job picking them in any case.

[Starswillshine]

I'm glad another man is the last thing on your mind. That secure rational man you speak of won't want any type of permanency with another man's wife. I was separated from my exH for five years (living completely separate lives with no financial entanglements), and during that time men who were looking for serious relationships weren't interested in me.

My Best Friend had this issue as well. She and her husband had never divorced. It was filed, but never finalized. Everything g was already split. They lives separately for over 5 years. They both openly dated freely but a couple of guys that she wanted to get serious with bolted when she told them she was married.

 

To some, it matters. Matters big time. Also, this couple is in their 50s.

[Starswillshine]

Thanks for sharing your experience BT. Definitely something to consider for the future. For now, I need me time, to figure me out and what I want, without a man. Haven't done a great job picking them in any case.

 

You'll get there, Kat. They are out there, I promise.

 

Right now, focus on the things that make you happy that isnt a relationship. That is what got me going. I had a huge list of so many things I wanted to do. With friends and alone. Refocus on yourself. And get excited about it. You raised a daughter to adulthood and otherwise dont have much responsibility. I know you said you got laid off, but you seem ok financially... sell what you can, live cheap and travel (that is what I would do if I didnt have the responsibilities but not everyone likes that). Anyway, you'll get there. It is just time. And you'll come to love yourself and love your life man-free.

 

And that in itself attracts.... and it sometimes attracts the RIGHT people. Because brokeb attracts broken.

[Beendaredonedat]

@beer ... I AM free, despite what you think.

Doesn't matter what I think but you appear to be in denial about how a good man will perceive you. You will more likely than not end up with men that just looking for fun and will tell you what you want to hear to get it and once again you will find yourself hurt and the author of a gazillion page thread perpetuating your denial.

 

I have explained my rationale and a secure, rational man will understand.

Yes, he will understand that you are good for a bed partner or an activity partner but he will see that he can't commit to you because you are not free to commit to. A "rational" man may get with you but chances that a good man getting with you seriously are slim.

 

But at this point, another man is the LAST thing on my mind.

When you are still processing last relationship baggage then that is the best thing for your emotional self.

 

I've read your posts on other threads and find a common denominator in all of them. You post nothing of use or value so keep posting away. You are now on permanent "mute".

I'm posting things of value, unfortunately you're just not ready to hear them but others seem to be seeing the value in the advice considering the thanks I've received on them.

 

Sorry if the logical way I've looked at things has offended you.

Edited May 28, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[heartwhole2]

Sorry if the logical way I've looked at things has offended you.

 

I don't think it's logical to believe that you speak for all "good men."

[sagamore]

Maybe “all good men” is an exaggeration but the general point is sound. If I were a mature single person, I would be *very* wary of someone who told me they were married in name only. I just wouldn’t take the risk.

 

It’s too soon now to worry about this, of course. You need to work on yourself first. Get into therapy (with a real therapist who doesn’t share her own bullsh*t), work on developing a support system, and heal from these last relationships. But at some point, if you really want to move on and meet a quality person - the kind of person you won’t find on AM - you’ll need to address your marital status. Wishing you the best, as always.

[S2B]

I don’t think any new man will view her as a gal that can’t be available to commit.

 

She’s made it clear her marriage is over but she just can’t formally divorce due to specific circumstances.

 

Loads of men want a special relationship without the need to get married.

 

Anyway - what’s the need to get married later in life if both people are independent and don’t need another person to monetarily support them?

[elaine567]

Big difference between not wanting to get married, and wanting to get seriously involved with a woman who is still married to and financially bound up with another man...

Fine for fun and sex, but many men (and women) do not really want an ex hanging around forever, it is not as if it is one of these happy friendly mutual arrangements.

Edited May 29, 2019 by elaine567