Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[S2B]

.....

 

I know I just have to push through but dang, this is hard

 

Hugs Kat. This is normal... when you’ve been disappointed by someone you cared about. Cry as long as you can... roll up in a ball if needed... stay that way until you can’t cry anymore.

 

Those are cleansing tears and very healthy! You’re doing great - tears and all. Just keep moving forward and don’t look back.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Aloha123]

You have come such a long way LKK, I know it is not easy, but you really need to give yourself a lot of credit for that.

[anika99]

OP, I once fell very hard for a very abusive personality disordered man. We started dating in early May and obviously he wasn't abusive right out of the gate. On the contrary, he was attentive, charming, affectionate and soooooo good looking. I wondered, how did I get so lucky to meet this one of kind wonderful man? I felt like I'd won the lottery. The abuse started later but those first 6-8 months with him were some of the happiest months of my life.

 

Once the real him came out and started abusing me it clearly soured our relationship but it still took me a long time to get out of it because I so wanted the man I thought he was to reappear. I was certain that guy was still in there somewhere, sometimes I still caught a glimpse of him. Once I finally understood that the abuser was the real him and the wonderful man I fell in love was the fake, I got strong enough to walk away. However for literally years afterwards I would become sad and melancholy in May. I would be flooded with memories of how happy I was during that first spring and summer together. I knew he was bad news for me, that he wasn't the person I fell in love with, but I just missed being that happy and that in love.

 

The first May after our breakup was the hardest. My mood really plummeted and it actually took a couple of months before the clouds passed, but I got through and it got easier again. Until the next spring when it hit me again but not as hard, and each spring got easier. You don't really miss him. You miss the memories and the love you thought you had. Hang in there because this phase will pass and you will feel better.

[PhoenixRising8]

Healing is not linear. I am really sorry you are having a rough day today. It is always a process and never an easy one.

 

Hugs.

 

Thanks for the hugs Stars

[PhoenixRising8]

It is hard, but you will make it through.

 

Some days I'm not so sure. If I knew then what I know now ...

[PhoenixRising8]

I’m sorry today is tough Kat. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s not rational, but those anniversary days can be rough. Thinking of you.

 

Thanks. Another one yet to come ... ugh

[PhoenixRising8]

Time for some distractions. If you're still feeling this way tomorrow, hit a coffee shop or someplace similar and find some people to socialize with. Or break out the Breaking Bad CDs. Hit the gym. Something...

 

Yeah, I've already watched the full season of Bull, FBI, Hawaii 5-0 and all 3 NCISs. Not a lot of energy or will but trying to find them.

[PhoenixRising8]

You’re grieving the person you thought he was one year ago. That is natural. And it’s hard. I’m sorry he’s not the person he portrayed himself to be.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. Your post unleashed a torrent of tears. It isn't the last 6 months I'm grieving. That is a relief to be unburdened from. It's the illusion of the first half that keeps flooding back. I guess it's true what they say ... if it's too good to be true it likely isn't real.

[PhoenixRising8]

Hugs Kat.....

 

Thanks. Doesn't feel like I'm doing great ... far from. Mostly I can't cry. And even when I can, it doesn't last long. I've never been a crier. Always stoic.

 

Today isn't any better. Hard not to look back. Too many things running through my mind. This is the first beautiful weekend and I know he's out cycling. Last year I would be preparing a picnic lunch and meeting at a conservation area. We'd sit on the blanket, eat and talk for hours. Sunday mornings we'd meet for breakfast, go for a long hike and then lunch. How was he able to do that every weekend? Barely a text asking where he is all day. No wonder he thought she didn't care. Not this year.

 

Cautionary note to every OW or would-be OW: when is good it's phenomenal; when it starts going bad it's increasingly painful and when it ends it's unlike any painful experience ever.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhoenixRising8]

You have come such a long way LKK, I know it is not easy, but you really need to give yourself a lot of credit for that.

 

Thanks Aloha. Unfortunately it feels more like I'll never get unstuck.

[PhoenixRising8]

OP, I once fell very hard for a very abusive personality disordered man....

 

Thanks for sharing your story Anika. I'm sorry you endured an abusive relationship. No one should have to.

 

How you felt is exactly how I feel now. It was perfect. We were like two sides of the same coin. Compatible, similar interests, finished each other's sentences. I never experienced such happiness, feeling so alive and loved. But it wasn't real. I suppose it was at the time but his real life eventually became a major factor, as it should have been all along. Now he just carries on as though I never existed and I get to pick up the pieces. Just wish I knew how.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[S2B]

Thanks. Doesn't feel like I'm doing great ... far from. Mostly I can't cry. And even when I can, it doesn't last long. I've never been a crier. Always stoic.....

 

Try to get busy for the weekend then. Do something creative or just binge watch a show or get out to a movie. I just planted some beautiful flowers in the yard. Anything to distract you.

 

Have you watched “the Handmaids Tale”? Omg - it’s addicting.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Starswillshine]

Thanks. Doesn't feel like I'm doing great ... far from. Mostly I can't cry. And even when I can, it doesn't last long. I've never been a crier. Always stoic.

 

Today isn't any better. Hard not to look back. Too many things running through my mind. This is the first beautiful weekend and I know he's out cycling. Last year I would be preparing a picnic lunch and meeting at a conservation area. We'd sit on the blanket, eat and talk for hours. Sunday mornings we'd meet for breakfast, go for a long hike and then lunch. How was he able to do that every weekend? Barely a text asking where he is all day. No wonder he thought she didn't care. Not this year.

 

Cautionary note to every OW or would-be OW: when is good it's phenomenal; when it starts going bad it's increasingly painful and when it ends it's unlike any painful experience ever.

 

Just try to remind yourself on bad days, that it will past. You will get through it, and this is just part of the road to recovery. It was how I got myself through those days. On the really rough days, I had some meds to help through the panic attacks, and I would just take those and be able to sleep.

 

It is really, really hard to come to terms that the person you loved isnt a real one. I still struggle to understand what was real. Some days I just shake my heads and say, "it doesnt matter, it was real to me, who cares about him." And I also just operate that everything was just smoke and mirrors. And this was my husband. So ingest it.

 

I can give you some insight into how he was able to do it. My xWH was a cyclist. Most weekends he would spend cycling. Mountain biking or road biking. He cant talk/text while riding. This was how it was since I met him. Bow looking back, I wonder what he was truly doing in those times. It is scary that for 20 years, I was a complete fool. Cycling was a huge part of his life. Then came the camping trips with the boys. I never wanted to take that away from him. We both needed lives outside of each other. I enjoyed cycling myself and camping and hiking, backpacking, etc. But him doing with me is different than him doing with his guys or alone who were his skill level. I'm a chick, I cant keep up with him. So do not just think his wife knew what was up and just didnt care. There are probably a million things she believed he was doing. Try not to obsess with that. I'm telling you, when you are in a long term marriage, you just tend to trust the person you are married to. And you believe what they say.

[anika99]

Thanks. Doesn't feel like I'm doing great ... far from. Mostly I can't cry. And even when I can, it doesn't last long. I've never been a crier. Always stoic.

 

Today isn't any better. Hard not to look back. Too many things running through my mind. This is the first beautiful weekend and I know he's out cycling. Last year I would be preparing a picnic lunch and meeting at a conservation area. We'd sit on the blanket, eat and talk for hours. Sunday mornings we'd meet for breakfast, go for a long hike and then lunch. How was he able to do that every weekend? Barely a text asking where he is all day. No wonder he thought she didn't care. Not this year.

 

Cautionary note to every OW or would-be OW: when is good it's phenomenal; when it starts going bad it's increasingly painful and when it ends it's unlike any painful experience ever.

 

LKK, we were just talking about this on another thread. The way the BS is set up to be seen as the problem. The OW on that thread actually quite resents the amount of times the BW contacts her MM. She accuses the BW of "using" her problems and their son as "tools" to get his attention. She "faked" a crisis once to get her husband to come home. That MM travels away from home for more than 250 days a year and works 16 hour days when he is home and still the OW sees his wife as overly demanding and apparently thinks the BW should just handle her own damn problems and leave her poor husband alone. But when a BW is independent and gives her husband trust and freedom then she gets judged for not caring.

 

When I'm in a relationship I tend to trust my partner and give him all the space he needs. If he tells me he's going biking for the day or visiting with friends I'm not going to text him or call him just to chat about mundane things that can wait until later. Besides why would it be on the wife to maintain contact. Was your MM texting or calling her? I could just as easily say "how can he leave his wife alone all day, barely even sending a text wondering what she's doing? No wonder she feels like her husband doesn't care about her"

[Starswillshine]

To many OW the lack of contact from MM to their BW just reaffirms in their minds that he does not love his wife, but he wants to truly be with OW.

 

It does not put into perspective that after so many years, most people do not need to be in constant contact. It is also does not take in perspective that wives do not always feel as if they need to check up on their husbands. OW gets to know he is a cheating scumbag.... BW is operating that her husband is committed to his marriage. It is hard for OW to understand but that is because they have all the puzzle pieces, BW does not.

[BaileyB]

Unfortunately it feels more like I'll never get unstuck.

 

You are already unstuck. It just doesn’t feel like it today...

 

Go outside and do something nice for yourself. You don’t need to fight tomorrow battles today. On this day, you just need to get through it...

 

That’s the good thing about feelings - they change. Hang in there. This too shall pass...

[PhoenixRising8]

@ Stars. Well remind me to run from cyclists because guess what? Tom is a cyclist. And triathlete. Rides with a club. Tuesday and Thursday evenings, Saturday and Sunday mornings. Last year mostly he didn't ride except once a week. The rest he spent with me. Then there was working late. Then when cycling season ended, hockey season started and that was the excuse. Watching hockey with a friend ... EVERY Saturday night for months, some nights during the week also. And of course he'd be too tired to go home because of all the long hours at work by the time the game ended. So he'd stay out all night. He spent almost no time at home between work (6am to 6 pm generally), the gym or with me. These overnights started after he told her he wanted a separation. I'd be willing to bet he was trying to get chucked out at that point.

 

I know you think she likely didn't know but she started to talk about infidelity a lot. He'd come over and talk about this friend or that one that was having an affair or separated. She asked him numerous times if he was having an affair and even talked to him about how her father had an affair and her parents managed to move past that. If she didn't know and that wasn't a clear message, I don't what was.

 

Here's the thing, OWs are vilified for being selfish and not thinking about the BS I can tell you that wasn't the case with me. I will admit before he started talking to her about separation, I didn't think about her. After that, when I saw how he was starting to act out and do things that were frankly cruel, I would talk to him about it. And increasingly feeling guilty about what he was doing, not just to me but also to his life partner and mother of his children. There was nothing I could do or say to get it through to him that it was all just wrong. That he had two women on the hook and both were suffering. After a month or two, I started to do things to detach (like planning a holiday season trip), created a playlist of songs that reinforced the message we were ultimately breaking up and self talk about how and why it had to end. I'd look at her profile picture of the two of them and tell myself that I'm getting in the middle. And yet, letting him go was the hardest thing ever.

 

This weekend is especially difficult because the first "I love you" was exchanged a year ago. It's also the first beautiful weekend and he would be cycling. And last year it would have been picnic lunches after the Saturday ride and breakfast, hiking and lunch on Sunday when he would forgo the ride. I've been mentally preparing myself for the end for months and yet, here I am, just in bits even though I don't want to pick up where we left off ... ever.

Edited June 9, 2019 by LilKatKat

[Starswillshine]

LKK, she probably suspected that MAYBE something was up, but that does not mean she knows.

 

When my xWH was in his affair, he didnt really act different towards me, but he started acting weird with his phone. It all of a sudden never left his side. Whereas before, he would come home, put it down on the counter, and that would be that. And once he got really frantic when I was on his phone trying to figure out something. I wrote to my friend about it. Saying, "something feels off." I even spoke to him about it. I went to him and asked if if there was something going on. He swore up and down there was absolutely nothing going on, that he loved me and each and every day, he loves me more and more. I even sat there crying saying, maybe I should see someone because I am feeling a little insecure all of a sudden. He said he would support me in whatever I needed to do to make myself feel better.

 

You have to understand... a man who is able to conduct an affair is easily able to manipulate everything and they come off so darn believable. They can put the emotion into their words. I know written on a screen, you'll probably not understand how I could just brush it off and make it out as something was wrong with me. But this is what MM do. And we (OW and BW alike) dont even see how they have manipulated us to make us feel like we are the problem. This is why I encourage you often to forget about BW and how he was able to do what he did. Because just like he fooled you and was so convincing, he does the same to BW.

[elaine567]

Here's the thing, OWs are vilified for being selfish and not thinking about the BS I can tell you that wasn't the case with me. I will admit before he started talking to her about separation, I didn't think about her.

 

No, because it was one long romantic love fest for you.

Only when he didn't actually leave, did you start to wake up.

Had he left at that particular juncture would you have given her a second thought?

[PhoenixRising8]

LKK, we were just talking about this on another thread. The way the BS is set up to be seen as the problem. The OW on that thread actually quite resents the amount of times the BW contacts her MM. She accuses the BW of "using" her problems and their son as "tools" to get his attention. She "faked" a crisis once to get her husband to come home. That MM travels away from home for more than 250 days a year and works 16 hour days when he is home and still the OW sees his wife as overly demanding and apparently thinks the BW should just handle her own damn problems and leave her poor husband alone. But when a BW is independent and gives her husband trust and freedom then she gets judged for not caring.

 

Yes, I've posted a lot on that thread. (Thanks for the shout out there lol) It's frustrating though because I can see that high speed train rushing towards her and despite how specific I've been with examples of similarities (and differences) it's one rationalization after another. How or why she thinks 2 people with kids living 5,000 miles apart, even IF he actually intended to leave, will ever work out is beyond me. That alone would put him over the "not" line. But it's a lot easier to see all of this when you aren't emotionally invested. I spent a lot of time analyzing my own situation and although at times I'm sure everyone was frustrated with me, I did actually see that any action could be given a different and sometimes entirely different spin. From November onwards, I spent the time validating different theories and priming myself for the end. I wanted to make sure so I would have no regrets and wonder if it might have worked if only I had waited longer or done this, that or the other. This will keep me from falling back in possibly if he ever came back, which I doubt he will.

 

I'm still absolutely dumbstruck by how similar the stories and excuses are. It's like there's a manual out there and these guys buy it and memorize it before they set out SMH

[PhoenixRising8]

No, because it was one long romantic love fest for you.

Only when he didn't actually leave, did you start to wake up.

Had he left at that particular juncture would you have given her a second thought?

 

Had he left, it would have meant his marriage was truly intolerable (for whatever reason) and he was doing the honourable thing in walking away from one and not stringing two along. I think I've said many times in this thread that because of the discussions we had, I truly believed he was as miserable as I was and that he wanted more out of life than living a miserable existence. Marriage isn't a prison on a deserted island with only the BS around as the warden. But even if he had left, I'm not a heartless beotch. You'd have to be pretty cold and calculating not to feel empathy for someone who is going through a separation/divorce.

[DKT3]

No, because it was one long romantic love fest for you.

Only when he didn't actually leave, did you start to wake up.

Had he left at that particular juncture would you have given her a second thought?

 

This is a really great point.

 

I believe that most MW/OW see the wife as in the way. This dynamic only solidifies the "love" and connection with MM. You know, like when you were 15-16 and your parents prevented you from dating the 19 year old with the cool car. It creates an us against them type of bond. The problem is US is really just you because he is loyal to her in the sense of where he actually wants to be.

[elaine567]

You'd have to be pretty cold and calculating not to feel empathy for someone who is going through a separation/divorce.

 

But no empathy for her when you were monopolising her husband behind her back in those first 6 months?

[BaileyB]

But no empathy for her when you were monopolising her husband behind her back in those first 6 months?

 

Not to beat a dead horse, but it felt more like she was an obstacle to be overcome...

 

It’s easy to be benevolent and have empathy when you are the “victor.”

[PhoenixRising8]

I was going through my own drama with xH. The separation, the harassment from him, the stuff with my daughter. Combine that with the fact that he portrayed his situation to be the same as mine, although not quite as bad, because mine was horrible. And he was leaving her, he convinced me. We first discussed it after I returned from my trip end of May. He and I 24/7/365. So no, not the first 6 months. If that makes me a horrible person, so be it. What is the point of this anyway? I feel crappy enough as it is. Is this really necessary Elaine?