Waiting 2 years

[CPD1]

I'm curious, what makes you think she had a bad marriage?

 

You called him a poor man earlier but said she acts like a happy wife around him at least when you can see but you have no idea what goes on in private.

 

In reality she may never have planned to leave her husband, just wanted a little fun, used you to make her job 'indispensable' was the word I think you used (so good luck getting rid of her if you're her boss) and is now just spinning you along.

 

I'm betting she never really expected you to leave your wife.was she encouraging about this or did she try and persuade you to stay with your wife?

 

I called him a poor man because of what is going on in his back, I do feel bad for her husband and if I’d be him I’d like to know what she’s doing,, telling him would just make it better for everyone,, he could deal with his marriage and I could get on with my life .

And regarding my ex-relationship yes she was there throughout the DD’s,the collapse of the relationship and all along claiming we’d be together.

[BaileyB]

I'm betting she never really expected you to leave your wife.was she encouraging about this or did she try and persuade you to stay with your wife?

 

Also my thought. More often than naught, it's the women who use the affair as an "exit affair" to leave their marriages while the man stays, not wanting to give up his social and financial status with a divorce (and have it be known that he had an affair, and left to be with the other woman). This situation is not the norm.

Edited October 14, 2018 by BaileyB

[Simple Logic]

She obviously likes your penis, but enjoys her current house, financial security, and family. She can get another penis if she wants. You got no power in this situation. Accept it or drive on.

[CPD1]

Also my thought. More often than naught, it's the women who use the affair as an "exit affair" to leave their marriages while the man stays, not wanting to give up his social and financial status with a divorce (and have it be known that he had an affair, and left to be with the other woman). This situation is not the norm.

 

My relationship wasn’t good and it was just a matter of time before it would end,, my decision was made to leave once the kids were old enough so she’s not the reason for my divorce but it sure made it easier.

I’m a genuine person and I never mislead her in any way, I truly loved her and still do ,, she does too but maybe not like I do but she’s an adult and has plenty of life experience to know that what she’s doing is not right for everyone involved,,,maybe something is wrong with her?

[elaine567]

I do feel bad for her husband and if I’d be him I’d like to know what she’s doing,, telling him would just make it better for everyone,, he could deal with his marriage and I could get on with my life .

 

 

Really?

 

..........

[CPD1]

She obviously likes your penis, but enjoys her current house, financial security, and family. She can get another penis if she wants. You got no power in this situation. Accept it or drive on.

 

Yes she likes our intimate times, she likes her house, but I offer a lot more financial security than she has now and her kids aren’t her husband’s kids so it’s not a matter of breaking up the family.

And you are absolutely right I have no power by letting myself be a secret,,, either I blow up her world( which I’ve threatened to do before) or I walk away from a life changing opportunity

[BaileyB]

My relationship wasn’t good and it was just a matter of time before it would end,, my decision was made to leave once the kids were old enough so she’s not the reason for my divorce but it sure made it easier.

 

I’m a genuine person and I never mislead her in any way, I truly loved her and still do

 

She's an adult and has plenty of life experience to know that what she’s doing is not right for everyone involved,,,maybe something is wrong with her?

 

Was something wrong with you? You had an affair while you were married, why was that acceptable for you to do but this is not? Sure, your marriage was unhappy and you ended it - would have ended it even without the other woman. You didn't string her along... But, this self-righteous indignation is hard to take seriously. You are an adult and I'm assuming that you have had plenty of life experiences to know that what you did was "not right for everyone involved." You had best be careful when you climb on that high horse...

 

Perhaps, she does love you. But, perhaps you underestimate the desire to keep the status quo - to maintain her family unit and the standard of living they all share.

 

Perhaps, your biggest mistake is that you chose to trust someone who was not have been trusted.

[BaileyB]

Yes she likes our intimate times, she likes her house, but I offer a lot more financial security than she has now and her kids aren’t her husband’s kids so it’s not a matter of breaking up the family.

 

How long have they been married? What's her story - is this her first or second husband? Has infidelity been an issue in any of her previous relationships?

 

This man may not be the biological father, but if they have been together for years and he has raised these children in his home, then they are very much a family. Don't dismiss that relationship because it is not convenient for you.

[CPD1]

Really?

 

..........

 

Yes Elaine,,, if I walk away and she stays married she’ll just replace me with someone else and again the poor husband will be cheated on . I’m not a selfish person and although I don’t care for the husband I don’t think he should be treated like that.

[BaileyB]

Yes Elaine,,, if I walk away and she stays married she’ll just replace me with someone else and again the poor husband will be cheated on . I’m not a selfish person and although I don’t care for the husband I don’t think he should be treated like that.

 

And yet, you are more than willing to be complicit in the hurting... the poor husband.

 

Tell us this - if this is your opinion of this woman and her character... "If you walk away and she stays married, she will just replace you with someone else and her poor husband will be cheated on again..." Why are you so eager to assume the role of "poor husband?"

[CPD1]

How long have they been married? What's her story - is this her first or second husband? Has infidelity been an issue in any of her previous relationships?

 

This man may not be the biological father, but if they have been together for years and he has raised these children in his home, then they are very much a family. Don't dismiss that relationship because it is not convenient for you.

 

They have been married 11 years,, last year she assured me it was her last wedding anniversary ( not true)!

This is her second marriage and although she never mentioned anything about infidelity in the past I wouldn’t doubt it.

[FMW]

OP, be honest with yourself. You're not considering telling her husband because you're concerned about him not being treated right. You're considering it because it's the only power you have with her.

 

We're not trying to be mean to you, OP, just trying to get you to see reality.

 

If her husband thinks he has a good marriage, as you indicated, then it's because she gives him reason to believe that. She's loving and attentive to him, she tells him she loves him, etc.

 

It's been 2 years. She's not divorcing him. Sure, he may divorce her if you tell her secret, but ending her marriage is clearly not something she wants to do or she would have already done it.

 

You just aren't ready to see and accept that yet. I hope you get there soon because you're just wasting time and emotion right now.

[CPD1]

And yet, you are more than willing to be complicit in the hurting... the poor husband.

 

Tell us this - if this is your opinion of this woman and her character... "If you walk away and she stays married, she will just replace you with someone else and her poor husband will be cheated on again..." Why are you so eager to assume the role of "poor husband?"

 

She claims they haven’t had sex in 4 years,, if we were to end up together she’ll have plenty of sex at home so no need to get it somewhere else.

And no I will not be the “poor husband” ,,, she has an opportunity to make a better life for herself but if she chooses to cheat on me i will not become the “poor husband”,,, I will be the single guy !

Edited October 14, 2018 by CPD1
Spelling mistake

[CPD1]

OP, be honest with yourself. You're not considering telling her husband because you're concerned about him not being treated right. You're considering it because it's the only power you have with her.

 

We're not trying to be mean to you, OP, just trying to get you to see reality.

 

If her husband thinks he has a good marriage, as you indicated, then it's because she gives him reason to believe that. She's loving and attentive to him, she tells him she loves him, etc.

 

It's been 2 years. She's not divorcing him. Sure, he may divorce her if you tell her secret, but ending her marriage is clearly not something she wants to do or she would have already done it.

 

You just aren't ready to see and accept that yet. I hope you get there soon because you're just wasting time and emotion right now.

 

Believe me I tried to walk away,, she runs after me every time saying I’m making a big mistake,,, she’s the one telling me to wait, and wait and wait! Who do I believe in all this, is the love of my life just a big lie? Are you wrong? I’m here for help and advice

[Bittersweetie]

This thread is a prime example of the mental gymnastics one goes through to justify having an affair or being with a married person. I've been there.

 

CPD, like my signature says, what you allow is what will continue. So really the decision to decide your personal future is up to you, not her. Good luck.

[elaine567]

Believe me I tried to walk away,, she runs after me every time saying I’m making a big mistake,,, she’s the one telling me to wait, and wait and wait! Who do I believe in all this, is the love of my life just a big lie? Are you wrong? I’m here for help and advice

 

 

What reasons is she giving you?

[CPD1]

That woman knows I love her,, she saw me struggling,, my ups and downs,, my mental health,, she knows I’m a time bomb inside and I could blow up anytime so therefore if she wants to save her marriage she would walk away,,, but she doesn’t!

[CPD1]

This thread is a prime example of the mental gymnastics one goes through to justify having an affair or being with a married person. I've been there.

 

CPD, like my signature says, what you allow is what will continue. So really the decision to decide your personal future is up to you, not her. Good luck.

 

My decision is to spend the rest of my life with her,,,, like she does too(apparently),,, now it’s up to her to make herself available or let me go!!

[BaileyB]

My decision is to spend the rest of my life with her,,,, like she does too(apparently),,, now it’s up to her to make herself available or let me go!!

 

No, you have control here. You can decide to do what is best for your life and let her go. She is not going to leave her husband, despite what she says. Her actions prove otherwise.

 

You would be foolish to believe that her marriage is bad and they haven't had sex in four years. This woman lies to her husband on a daily basis. What makes you trust that she is telling you the truth?

 

You are also foolish if you think that the promise of regular sex will keep her faithful to you. Again, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior... This woman has had two "failed" marriages and she has been unfaithful to at least one husband - again, why are you so eager to sign on to be #3?

[CPD1]

What reasons is she giving you?

 

This could be long but I’ve heard everything from,, I like my house, i have to get my affairs in order,I’m not ready, your crazy ex-wife, my kids, the truck isn’t paid?? Wtf!,, then just recently something forced her kid to move back home for another 6 months and now that’s her reason for not leaving. But I’m expected to be there for her and be patient!

[elaine567]

This could be long but I’ve heard everything from,, I like my house, i have to get my affairs in order,I’m not ready, your crazy ex-wife, my kids, the truck isn’t paid?? Wtf!,, then just recently something forced her kid to move back home for another 6 months and now that’s her reason for not leaving. But I’m expected to be there for her and be patient!

You have to face facts here, she just isn't leaving is she?

[CPD1]

You have to face facts here, she just isn't leaving is she?[/quote

My question is if she isn’t leaving why would she beg me to hang on?(can someone be so unrealistic?)

[Maybelle]

As the former MOW to a MM had he left and divorced I would have gotten my affairs in order and we would be together. Her children are obviously older while mine are younger and my children would have been the biggest source of staying for me. She wants you but she wants her husband too. She gets something out of the marital relationship that she is afraid to lose.

 

You need to find a woman who will love you with no constraints.

[elaine567]

You have to face facts here, she just isn't leaving is she?

My question is if she isn’t leaving why would she beg me to hang on?(can someone be so unrealistic?)

Because she wants to maintain the status quo.

[CPD1]

As the former MOW to a MM had he left and divorced I would have gotten my affairs in order and we would be together. Her children are obviously older while mine are younger and my children would have been the biggest source of staying for me. She wants you but she wants her husband too. She gets something out of the marital relationship that she is afraid to lose.

 

You need to find a woman who will love you with no constraints.

 

I would totally respect her decision to stay if she’d be woman enough to tell me that’s what she wants,,, instead she tells me to be patient and we’ll be together!! I want this torture to end but tomorrow at the very least I’ll be talking to her regarding a project at work! More torture!