Is it impossible to love your wife and simultaneously love the OW

[BaileyB]

No, lying and cheating are not loving behaviors.

 

And of course, it's possible to love two people at one time - an individual who loves both their parents and their spouse, or parents who love all their children equally...

 

I'm just saying, as the woman who this man swore to "love, honor, and keep, foresaking all others..." Allowing yourself to be in the position to fall in love with another woman and then taking actions to betray the marriage - that would most definitely not be acceptable to me.

 

I doubt there is a woman alive who would say to their husband, when he confesses that he loves her - and also another woman - I completely understand how you could love two women at the same time darling...

 

This kind of thinking is easily used to support and justify inappropriate behavior, IMHO.

Edited October 10, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

Every cloud has a silver lining though. Through me the OP met her new boyfriend and went from having no friends to co-adopting all his friends, so I think she's pretty happy. And my wife and I are doing fine.

 

It's just the rich tapestry of life.

 

Sounds like Hallmark is coming out with a new line of Infidelity cards.

 

Haru-no-yuki, people recover from all sorts of crimes, tragedies and misdeeds.

 

It's just rare for the cause of those injuries to take credit for their progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Haru-no-yuki]

Sounds like Hallmark is coming out with a new line of Infidelity cards.

 

Haru-no-yuki, people recover from all sorts of crimes, tragedies and misdeeds.

 

It's just rare for the cause of those injuries to take credit for their progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah I know, I have empathy issues

 

That's true actually and a weakness I recognize in myself. Not much I can do about it.

[ABernie]

I don't think I could love two people at the same time. That intimate, passionate, committed love that is - not the intense, unconditional love I have for my children.

 

While I did love my STBX, it was as a friend and as the father of my children. It wasn't the same love as AP.

[pepperbird]

you don't get it.

if you want your marriage to reconcile, then whether or not you feel like you can love two women at once is immaterial. It's not about you and how you feel. It's about how your wife feels about your actions.

 

 

Besides, judging form your posts, you have a really skewed notion of what love is anyway.

[BettyDraper]

What is with the influx of newer members with "no empathy" lately?

 

A commonality is cheating and being appallingly blase about it. I don't understand.

[Orokotikki]

Maybe "love" the emotion, but not "love" the verb (the truly valuable one) which is a decision to love and honor.

[Mr. Lucky]

What is with the influx of newer members with "no empathy" lately?

 

A commonality is cheating and being appallingly blase about it. I don't understand.

 

It's just another excuse. File it next to "my wife doesn't understand me" and "we have no spark"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

What is with the influx of newer members with "no empathy" lately?

 

A commonality is cheating and being appallingly blase about it. I don't understand.

 

Oh but, my favourite part is when OP says that there is “not much he can do about it.” Like, it’s not a skill that can be learned or developed. Rather, he is just going to move through life hurting others with no empathy for the pain they are feeling because there is... “not much he can do about it.”

[Just a Guy]

Hi Haru, you ever heard the term Polyamory? Sometimes people in affairs are in a polyamorous relationship. Usually affairs are relationships where the WS is living in a fantasy land and feel that they no longer love their spouses. They bash their spouses to their AP and later on to other people too. However in a few cases such as yours they don't stop loving their spouses but have a relationship with a secondary person which reflects the characteristics of the primary relationship with obvious differences. Yours might have been one of these.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Somanymistakes, to my mind, love for parents or siblings and children is in an entirely dimension than love for one's spouse. Love for a spouse is romantic love. The spouse is not your blood relative. The others share a blood bond with one and love for them springs from a protective side of our nature. At least that is what I perceive it to be. It would therefore be incongruous to put them in the same category and then make comparisons. Just a thought.

[Haru-no-yuki]

Hi Haru, you ever heard the term Polyamory? Sometimes people in affairs are in a polyamorous relationship. Usually affairs are relationships where the WS is living in a fantasy land and feel that they no longer love their spouses. They bash their spouses to their AP and later on to other people too. However in a few cases such as yours they don't stop loving their spouses but have a relationship with a secondary person which reflects the characteristics of the primary relationship with obvious differences. Yours might have been one of these.

 

This is the closest description I've read that fits the situation I had. Thank you. You're right, I didn't bash my wife to my AP and anyway they both knew about each other for most of the time.

 

I loved them both and yes they were similar but some obvious differences as you mention. And I am sad it ended badly with the AP but I guess it had to end badly at some point.

 

Anyhow, back on the straight road and concentrating on the wife only with no distractions and it's pretty awesome.

[Rait]

Yes it’s possible to love multiple people at the same time. Love is energy. Romantic Love is emotional atttatchment and chemistry and can be mixed with sexual attraction or lust. You wife is devastated and your marriage is not as strong as you think. Your wife does not see you or love you the same if you told her about your affair. Her love will never be as strong. You should have been man enough to have communicated your needs and desires before the affair happened to your wife. No matter what she says, when she gets the opportunity she will cheat on you too. I’ve been in her shoes and I’m still with my husband but trust me her idea of marriage is not the same. .

[norudder]

This is the closest description I've read that fits the situation I had. Thank you. You're right, I didn't bash my wife to my AP and anyway they both knew about each other for most of the time.

 

I loved them both and yes they were similar but some obvious differences as you mention. And I am sad it ended badly with the AP but I guess it had to end badly at some point.

 

Anyhow, back on the straight road and concentrating on the wife only with no distractions and it's pretty awesome.

 

He was talking about the relationships being similar, not the women.

[Haru-no-yuki]

He was talking about the relationships being similar, not the women.

 

I was just conflating the two things - but also saying relationships were similar but women not. Thanks.

 

To other poster above, respectively it's not possible for you to say whether my marriage is weaker or not since you don't have full facts..

[Wildflower201]

You sound like my former MM and the father of my son. It sickens me.

 

The sense of entitlement, the lack of connection with the destruction that he caused and the collateral damage was saddening and disturbing. Loving someone who doesn't truly understand the depth of the things he would say or involve himself in has been the worst mistake of my life.

 

The only way that things worked with him at any point for me or his wife was through delusion. We had to be willing to believe the things that he said no matter how ridiculous his actions. It was insane.

 

To actually answer the question, I don't think that loving someone when you use them, cheat on them, discard them, minimize their pain or any of the other things involved in infidelity is possible. Loving two people is possible, yes. Infidelity isn't love...on any side of the equation.

Edited October 12, 2018 by Wildflower201

[Haru-no-yuki]

You sound like my former MM and the father of my son. It sickens me.

 

...

 

The only way that things worked with him at any point for me or his wife was through delusion. We had to be willing to believe the things that he said no matter how ridiculous his actions. It was insane.

 

To actually answer the question, I don't think that loving someone when you use them, cheat on them, discard them, minimize their pain or any of the other things involved in infidelity is possible. Loving two people is possible, yes. Infidelity isn't love...on any side of the equation.

 

Sorry I've sickened you. Hope you're feeling better now.

 

I don't really want to try and justify my actions other than to say that when I said something to her I followed through on actions. For example, I said I would move out of my main home - I did etc.

 

And I didn't discard her anyway. Actually she discarded me

 

Which probably was for the best for everyone in the long run.

[DKT3]

You commented on another thread that your marriage is stronger than ever because of reasons you felt were inappropriate to mention. First we are adults so you can speak your mind without great details. I'm assuming you meant sex. Well its called Hysterical Bonding, and it's more common than not after the bs finds out about an affair. It's really fools gold because it doesn't last. Soon it will be replaced by rage and anger.

[Haru-no-yuki]

You commented on another thread that your marriage is stronger than ever because of reasons you felt were inappropriate to mention. First we are adults so you can speak your mind without great details. I'm assuming you meant sex. Well its called Hysterical Bonding, and it's more common than not after the bs finds out about an affair. It's really fools gold because it doesn't last. Soon it will be replaced by rage and anger.

 

There are many clear reasons I know our relationship is very strong, not just sex. We commute together every day, we work nearby each other and have regular coffee and lunch. We spend most evenings together hanging out. We hold each others hands all the time and basically have a very affectionate relationship.

 

But I guess you know best... This discussion is going around in circles so I'm going to make this my last reply.

[Wildflower201]

May I ask why you're wondering this, at this point?

[DKT3]

There are many clear reasons I know our relationship is very strong, not just sex. We commute together every day, we work nearby each other and have regular coffee and lunch. We spend most evenings together hanging out. We hold each others hands all the time and basically have a very affectionate relationship.

 

But I guess you know best... This discussion is going around in circles so I'm going to make this my last reply.

 

I understand your frustration with your thread, I was there when I first started posting here. We come with these ideas that we have logically and emotionally solidified, then to have people say "I wouldn't trust that" can get under your skin.

 

I will give you an example. Few years ago there was a WW here who talked much like you. "Oh my husband is doing great, we are doing great, more sex, not asking questions about the affair " and so on. Posters warned her it's too soon for him to be over it and doing this well. I tried to explain to her that his demeanor was not good, and it was more likely that his decision to walk away had been made. Like you, she didn't want to believe it. You see often when a BS has made the decision to just leave the infidelity behind they will just kinda go along until they are ready to strike, you know, getting their ducks in a row.

 

Few months later that WW was back with "it's over, he said he doesn't love me anymore ".

 

This is a long process, you cant read too much into a BS emotional state, demeanor, or even their words because it's a rollercoaster ride. One day great, next day horrible then one day over.

 

I'm not saying you guys are not on the right track, what I'm saying is dont get comfortable with this idea that it's great, too early for that.

[Amethyst68]

I'm curious, you now say you left your marriage at the request of your A but she still broke up with you.

 

What else was she asking from you?

 

How did you manage to reconcile with your wife so quickly, if, as you say, she was fully aware of everything that was going on at the time?

[Haru-no-yuki]

I'm curious, you now say you left your marriage at the request of your A but she still broke up with you.

 

What else was she asking from you?

 

How did you manage to reconcile with your wife so quickly, if, as you say, she was fully aware of everything that was going on at the time?

 

A wasn't old enough or mature enough to handle the situation and I wasn't mature enough to deal with it properly one way or enough. It became too much for her and she bounced to my ex colleague (I'm guessing but have high level of certainty).

 

Once that happened I spent time with the wife, who I had never stopped loving but felt we were not moving in the same direction. We agreed to try again and put proper efforts in (both sides).

 

Then i went full romantic mode for a while to earn her forgiveness. Expensive trips away. Roses etc.

 

We also moved house which gave us a fresh start. I got rid of the second place.

 

I also agreed to some of her demands such as to see a counsellor by myself.

 

Those types of things.

[pepperbird]

A wasn't old enough or mature enough to handle the situation and I wasn't mature enough to deal with it properly one way or enough. It became too much for her and she bounced to my ex colleague (I'm guessing but have high level of certainty).

 

Once that happened I spent time with the wife, who I had never stopped loving but felt we were not moving in the same direction. We agreed to try again and put proper efforts in (both sides).

 

Then i went full romantic mode for a while to earn her forgiveness. Expensive trips away. Roses etc.

 

We also moved house which gave us a fresh start. I got rid of the second place.

 

I also agreed to some of her demands such as to see a counsellor by myself.

 

Those types of things.

 

 

I think what people are trying to explain is that for a bs, the immediate aftermath of an A can be like the way first aid can help someone who had a heart attack.

 

 

The CPR may revive them and get them to the hospital, but whether or not they survive the long term may not a sure thing.

 

Also, the A happened because of you. Nothing she says or does can change that.

[Haru-no-yuki]

I think what people are trying to explain is that for a bs, the immediate aftermath of an A can be like the way first aid can help someone who had a heart attack.

 

 

The CPR may revive them and get them to the hospital, but whether or not they survive the long term may not a sure thing.

 

That's just some meaningless nonsense analogy frankly, which has no bearing on reality.

 

I love this thread, it's given my quite a few laughs over the last week or so. As have some of the other threads scattered around the place where some of the 'wiser' more experienced members attack a new joiner who's thought they might get some interesting insights here.

 

If I had thinner skin you guys might have put me in a psych ward.

 

As it is, lots of meaningless analogies and conjecture based upon partial information. And no, we're not going through so-called hysterical bonding. Our sex life is almost exactly same as it has always been.

 

By the way, maybe someone could point me to some proper research which shows hysterical bonding even exists. I've done a search and beyond some flakey love experts' books haven't been able to find any reputable peer reviewed papers.

Edited October 14, 2018 by Haru-no-yuki