He went back to his wife

[stillafool]

If by basement he meant - at home watching the games with his feet up on the coffee table waiting on dinner then yeah, he's in the basement.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I want to contact him today. Someone stop me. He's having Thanksgiving dinner tonight. The proud patriarch. Meanwhile I sit here alone. Karma got me alright.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Don’t contact him in any way! It will just make things worse. It will make you feel worse.

 

I’ve been where you are now many times. I made mistakes and contacted him. Didn’t make things any better. Didn’t make him take any action to be with me. Despite sweet, loving words.

 

Don’t do it!

 

Every time you get over the desire to contact him, you build your own strength.

 

Don’t do it!

[whichwayisup]

I want to contact him today. Someone stop me. He's having Thanksgiving dinner tonight. The proud patriarch. Meanwhile I sit here alone. Karma got me alright.

 

You don't see it now, but you are in the winners seat here. Once you grieve the loss and go through all the stages of grief you'll realize that you got your life back. NO more roller coaster rides! This pain is final and the end. You have your whole life ahead of you.

 

You have other friends and family? Go be with them. Don't sit home alone!

 

And don't reach out to him. He chose to leave and go back home. He is where he wants to be. Any contact by you will only feed into his ego and make you feel worse when he rejects you or ignores you. Take control by cutting HIM off. Block him and put that energy into fixing yourself and getting your life together.

[Vivir]

There are so many great posts that I want to quote them all, though that is definitely redundant and sometimes a cause for moderation around here

WDID, if you’re going away on a long overseas trip soon, you have A LOT of other things you could be doing while you’re waiting to go! Have you made a list of tasks – even those “small” but necessary ones – AND completed them all? Those little tasks, believe it or not, may bring you some moments of peace, as you’re focusing on them instead of this situation. I’m betting that any peace is welcome at this point.

 

I was the naïve xOW that believed I was hurting xMM by being unemotional and showing him the door, too. I thought, ‘What if these roles were reversed? What would I want him to do or say to me?’ I also didn’t find my anger for an incredibly long time, and once it came, I was afraid of it!

 

My situation was nowhere near as entangled or deep as yours, WDID, and I can only imagine the level of pain you’re in right now. At the end of my affair, the only two thoughts that gave me any solace were 1) I was able to retain this tiny shred of dignity for saying (and being serious about saying) Enough and 2) me ending things set both of us free to one day possibly get back to where we were supposed to be (me, a single woman, owing all of my allegiance to myself, and he, a married man, needing to be the husband and father he promised to be).

 

Of course, there were many times I doubted my decision... what was dignity?!?! I would rather have my lover (who would only let me have him if I shared him with the woman he really loved)... What if I called him and it helped to alleviate his pain??!?! I loved him, I didn't want him to be in pain... and I fixed my fingers to dial his number or focused my mental energy on him and hoped that he could receive a psychic message from me…

 

...instead, I would play out doing these things and imagining what might really happen. I imagined being a fly on the wall in his house with her… that was incredibly painful. No matter what he said about his marriage and life, he kept going back there, choosing it and not choosing me. He left me, knowing full well that I was in pain or that I would be. Sometimes, he had left me knowing I had been crying... I could only surmise that these things mattered far less to him. He looked at me, confused, I suppose. He had never meant to get this far with me; I was the OW, right, and knew what I was getting myself into... why should he care?

 

I agree with WWIU, if you fight through the pain, then this will be the last pain in your dealings with this man. Let that be the end. It is time to start again, without him.

[Phoenician]

Dear ,

First sorry for you to be in pain .

let me give the other point of view ,

 

As a man who attempted to cheat during marriage , been called a cheater while legally separated , then reconciled with wife since few month and reunited the family .If you see the level of hate that existed at that time between me and my wife at that time you would remember the film "the war of the roses ". Yet after a legal separation of 18 month I reconciled with her and we digested each others mistakes and our relationship is getting fonder every day.

 

Is that normal to happen ? IDK

Is it love ? IDK

What I know is that what i have done is making my family happy, me happy and she is happy. Now, supposed during the years of roller coaster a woman like you appeared in my life (a serious woman like you is more intense than just casual dating ....); What would happen due to my thirst to intimacy is that I will grab you in the arms and won't let you go because I was stuck in a bad marriage.

 

Then reality check could come sometimes when I realize that you are not that much different from my wife.

 

you are human

you are not a goddess!

I don't know the man , I don't know you.

God knows if he is an ******* or a gentlemen.

 

but let me just elaborate few things in points with no offense or intending to hurt you but with a high level of reality.

 

-When you indulged yourself in a relation with a married man , who could be starving for affection , (or physical intimacy), you stepped in the wrong game.

 

-if his wife was faithful, and was feeling he is cheating ,and obviously he didn't tell her ; she must be feeling abused.

 

-the main idea is that getting involved with a married man is a double edge sword.

 

My advise to you is to look at the issue now from a different perspective.

Don't over think about anything, just let things smoothly fade.

Don't contact him but if he does just listen without a single word back.

If he is really yours he will be back to you, if he is not he was never yours.

Don't push things in any direction ....

take it easy, go nature, involve yourself in activities and soon everything will be so clear.

Edited October 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

as a man who attempted to cheat during marriage , been called a cheater while legally separated , then reconciled with wife since few month and reunited the family ;if you see the level of hate that existed at that time between me and my wife at that time ; you would remember the film "the war of the roses "; yet after a legal separation of 18 month , I reconciled with her and we digested each others mistakes , and our relashioship is getting fonder every day.

 

You were a man stuck in a bad marriage you reacted, you realised your mistake, you both did, you reconciled and all is now happy.

 

This man is different, he has been stringing the OP along for 8.5 years.

He, I guess "ran out of luck", and so had to leave his wife. He left, ran to the OP, but has since managed to persuade the wife to have him back, so he has gone back to the wife.

Now he just needs to persuade the OP to go back to being the OW again...

 

Yes, Phoenician, you had turmoil and trouble but I guess your main purpose in cheating/separating/leaving was not to juggle two women at the same time.

This man I suggest likes having two women in tow.

WDID needs to accept that or boot him out of her life for good.

As her MM even said recently, some people ARE happy with this arrangement, a ménage à trois, and he is no doubt angling for that now.

He just needs to get through this rough patch and then everything can go back to normal.

Wife and family in one box, and the OP on the side.

Perfect.

 

 

... for him.

[Phoenician]

You were a man stuck in a bad marriage you reacted, you realised your mistake, you both did, you reconciled and all is now happy.

 

This man is different, he has been stringing the OP along for 8.5 years.

He, I guess "ran out of luck", and so had to leave his wife. He left, ran to the OP, but has since managed to persuade the wife to have him back, so he has gone back to the wife.

Now he just needs to persuade the OP to go back to being the OW again...

 

Yes, Phoenician, you had turmoil and trouble but I guess your main purpose in cheating/separating/leaving was not to juggle two women at the same time.

This man I suggest likes having two women in tow.

WDID needs to accept that or boot him out of her life for good.

As her MM even said recently, some people ARE happy with this arrangement, a ménage à trois, and he is no doubt angling for that now.

He just needs to get through this rough patch and then everything can go back to normal.

Wife and family in one box, and the OP on the side.

Perfect.

 

 

... for him.

 

 

You are right elaine , I haven't red the thread carefully , I now realize that this man seems to be wanting the cake and eat it at the same time ....

 

 

and 8.5 years , seems that he already ate dozen ....

 

 

in my case ate a piece and choke ...

[ABernie]

 

He did all the planning for our future. 100% of it. Every single day he planned and talked and seemed so excited about it. Right up to and including Thursday. Cooking for my kids. Renovations to my house when he moves in. Everything. I listened and believed him. Do people future fake to that depth?

 

This is so my situation too. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that there is no future.

[ABernie]

I don’t know why that’s always the general notion. Why does everybody think that a WH is always happily cherry-picking with only his own needs in mind? To me, a situation like that screams “pain”....And the WH is trapped between two worlds wanting to go in one direction but pulled into two different ones. That can’t possibly be pleasant. I believe that every man who has an affair that involves heart and soul, not only sex, is suffering. They feel they’re letting their (loved) family down, but they also feel that they’re letting their loved one (AP) down. They are neither here nor there. And that must be a very painful experience for them.

 

 

This exactly how my MM described it.

[What_Did_I_Do]

This is so my situation too. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that there is no future.

 

Day 4 of no contact. This has never happened in 8.5 years. I am holding onto everyone's advice here like it is saving my life. It is in some regards. My deepest gratitude to you all.

 

ABernie, I was so certain we were out of the hope phase. They way he spoke about all the planning. With conviction. And boy did I look for any microscopic evidence of wavering. Nothing. Not until the house deal but even then I somewhat understood those reasons for him backing out. But that planted the first seed.

 

Elaine, it didn't even occur to me that he might have asked her if he could move back in, rather than the other way around. Either way, he went back home.

 

Today, I am angry about how he needed so badly to connect with my younger son (who still lives at home) so there wouldn't be any awkwardness when he moved in here. Now, I have to explain to my son why the jerk doesn't come over anymore. Thanks xMM!!

[S2B]

Once YOU start participating differently - things will change FOR YOU.

 

Don't make decisions based on what he will or won't do.

 

Make new decisions based on what YOU want to do to make life different for yourself.

 

It's only up to you.

 

Start making changes today to be happy on your own!

 

You deserve it - I hope you will.

[ladydesigner]

I don’t know why that’s always the general notion. Why does everybody think that a WH is always happily cherry-picking with only his own needs in mind? To me, a situation like that screams “pain”....And the WH is trapped between two worlds wanting to go in one direction but pulled into two different ones. That can’t possibly be pleasant. I believe that every man who has an affair that involves heart and soul, not only sex, is suffering. They feel they’re letting their (loved) family down, but they also feel that they’re letting their loved one (AP) down. They are neither here nor there. And that must be a very painful experience for them.

 

I’m not saying this because I think that OP should put up with it and enable him. I’m just saying this to encourage critical thinking a little bit. It’s not always the case that WS are just selfish and only interested in getting the “best of both worlds”...... it’s about what their needs are, and a lot of times they feel guilty because they have needs that have changed from when they first got married.

 

Sure, if somebody enters an A without thinking, just going with the flow and enjoying the ride, as long as nobody else finds out, they’re enjoying it. But after 8.5 yrs things are more serious I’m sure. And I think the OP’s AP/boyfriend is suffering as much as she is. Just food for thought.

 

The WS creates the situation of chaos honestly why does anyone care that the WS is suffering. OP good on you for going NC!

Edited October 8, 2018 by ladydesigner

[brigit87]

Day 4 of no contact. This has never happened in 8.5 years. I am holding onto everyone's advice here like it is saving my life. It is in some regards. My deepest gratitude to you all.

 

ABernie, I was so certain we were out of the hope phase. They way he spoke about all the planning. With conviction. And boy did I look for any microscopic evidence of wavering. Nothing. Not until the house deal but even then I somewhat understood those reasons for him backing out. But that planted the first seed.

 

Elaine, it didn't even occur to me that he might have asked her if he could move back in, rather than the other way around. Either way, he went back home.

 

Today, I am angry about how he needed so badly to connect with my younger son (who still lives at home) so there wouldn't be any awkwardness when he moved in here. Now, I have to explain to my son why the jerk doesn't come over anymore. Thanks xMM!!

 

As far as your kid is concerned don't worry. My mom had boyfriends come live with us and I was fine when they were there and I was fine when they left. LOL

 

Kids care more about their friends then crap their parents do.

 

As for you. Well, i have no freaking idea why you'd wait eight years for someone...maybe eight months TOPS. Nah...I wouldn't wait eight months. Maybe a month. IDK.

 

So, now you need to learn a creepy lesson: Guys don't ask women they want to wait eight years. They just don't.

[brigit87]

 

it’s about what their needs are, and a lot of times they feel guilty because they have needs that have changed from when they first got married.

 

Sure, if somebody enters an A without thinking, just going with the flow and enjoying the ride, as long as nobody else finds out, they’re enjoying it. But after 8.5 yrs things are more serious I’m sure. And I think the OP’s AP/boyfriend is suffering as much as she is. Just food for thought.

 

...OMG, this is so IDK wacky.

 

The guy is trying hard to pick the one with the most rewards and he's worried he'll make the wrong choice.

[elaine567]

...OMG, this is so IDK wacky.

 

The guy is trying hard to pick the one with the most rewards and he's worried he'll make the wrong choice.

 

I don't believe he is trying to pick one, I believe he wants to keep being "da man". He wants both women.

Both are likely besotted by him and both are hoping to please him and are vying for his attention.

What's not to like?

He is a guy in his 50s, he pulled it off for 8.5 years and if he plays his cards right he may have another decade or so - with both...

He has WDID on a string and unless she can put in a monumental amount of effort to stay away, she will capitulate sometime, he knows that, but now safe at home, he can afford to wait it out...

People who are in love are easy to manipulate...

[What_Did_I_Do]

I am using every ounce of strength to stay away. He will never, and I mean ever, contact me after this. I dumped on his ego by sending him away. That, in his mind, was inexcusable and will be punished by eternal silence.

 

I lie awake every night and cry all day. This is now haunting me - I want to hear what deal he was going to sell in order to keep me around 'until the house sold'. In some sick way, I feel guilty for at least not hearing him out. Wouldn't have changed the outcome - he was still moving back home and wanted me to wait in the shadows again.

[SouthernIslander]

I am using every ounce of strength to stay away. He will never, and I mean ever, contact me after this. I dumped on his ego by sending him away. That, in his mind, was inexcusable and will be punished by eternal silence.

 

I lie awake every night and cry all day. This is now haunting me - I want to hear what deal he was going to sell in order to keep me around 'until the house sold'. In some sick way, I feel guilty for at least not hearing him out. Wouldn't have changed the outcome - he was still moving back home and wanted me to wait in the shadows again.

 

 

I wish you much strength and persevere through this.

[S2B]

I am using every ounce of strength to stay away. He will never, and I mean ever, contact me after this. I dumped on his ego by sending him away. That, in his mind, was inexcusable and will be punished by eternal silence.

 

I lie awake every night and cry all day. This is now haunting me - I want to hear what deal he was going to sell in order to keep me around 'until the house sold'. In some sick way, I feel guilty for at least not hearing him out. Wouldn't have changed the outcome - he was still moving back home and wanted me to wait in the shadows again.

 

 

You know the outcome... the plot too...

 

Never settle. Ever again.

 

You are worthy of being a mans top priority - that's never gonna be so with MM.

[BTDT2012]

That, in his mind, was inexcusable and will be punished by eternal silence.

 

 

That eternal silence is a gift, not a punishment.

[OWAmy]

Be strong and don’t contact him. If you do you’ll only be posting on here regretting having done so because it will set you right back to square one - day one of no contact again. You’re doing this for yourself, not for him. Not to give him space etc etc. For you.

 

I was successful at no contact and was involved in a long term affair. No contact was fab as I was no longer embroiled in the confusion. Doing nothing to contact him came easy... I totally focused on my young son and was also doing it for him so we both had a better life.

 

My MM came back divorced and we are happily together nearly three years now. When he saw that I’d had enough and stuck by my guns he had a different kind of respect for me: he knew I was adamant that the affair in any capacity was over. I do not think I am a particularly special case - time apart forced him to take action and he realised 100% he wanted out of the marriage. We started a relationship with him knowing I was definitely not the weak woman he originally met. We are only moving in together next week!

 

Even if he had not come back my son and I would have had a great life. Man is just a bonus ?

[brigit87]

Be strong and don’t contact him. If you do you’ll only be posting on here regretting having done so because it will set you right back to square one - day one of no contact again. You’re doing this for yourself, not for him. Not to give him space etc etc. For you.

 

I was successful at no contact and was involved in a long term affair. No contact was fab as I was no longer embroiled in the confusion. Doing nothing to contact him came easy... I totally focused on my young son and was also doing it for him so we both had a better life.

 

My MM came back divorced and we are happily together nearly three years now. When he saw that I’d had enough and stuck by my guns he had a different kind of respect for me: he knew I was adamant that the affair in any capacity was over. I do not think I am a particularly special case - time apart forced him to take action and he realised 100% he wanted out of the marriage. We started a relationship with him knowing I was definitely not the weak woman he originally met. We are only moving in together next week!

 

Even if he had not come back my son and I would have had a great life. Man is just a bonus ?

 

How could you ever trust him?

[What_Did_I_Do]

Be strong and don’t contact him. If you do you’ll only be posting on here regretting having done so because it will set you right back to square one - day one of no contact again. You’re doing this for yourself, not for him. Not to give him space etc etc. For you.

 

I was successful at no contact and was involved in a long term affair. No contact was fab as I was no longer embroiled in the confusion. Doing nothing to contact him came easy... I totally focused on my young son and was also doing it for him so we both had a better life.

 

My MM came back divorced and we are happily together nearly three years now. When he saw that I’d had enough and stuck by my guns he had a different kind of respect for me: he knew I was adamant that the affair in any capacity was over. I do not think I am a particularly special case - time apart forced him to take action and he realised 100% he wanted out of the marriage. We started a relationship with him knowing I was definitely not the weak woman he originally met. We are only moving in together next week!

 

Even if he had not come back my son and I would have had a great life. Man is just a bonus ��

 

How long was your affair?

 

Yes, the NC is for me. But I'm the kind of person who needs to tie up all loose ends before starting a new journey.

 

I really wished that I listened to his story (excuses) on Thursday just to see, I don't know, maybe somewhere in that weaved fabric was a thread of truth...for something. I'll never know now.

 

Then I regret not telling him to look for me when he's divorced. He won't now for sure. And I know it's all supposed to be for the better because the guy's an a** but I've never loved anyone like this before. Every relationship, even my marriage, was so much easier to end. Why this? Why him?

Edited October 10, 2018 by What_Did_I_Do

[stillafool]

How long was your affair?

 

Yes, the NC is for me. But I'm the kind of person who needs to tie up all loose ends before starting a new journey.

 

I really wished that I listened to his story (excuses) on Thursday just to see, I don't know, maybe somewhere in that weaved fabric was a thread of truth...for something. I'll never know now.

 

Then I regret not telling him to look for me when he's divorced. He won't now for sure. And I know it's all supposed to be for the better because the guy's an a** but I've never loved anyone like this before. Every relationship, even my marriage, was so much easier to end. Why this? Why him?

 

Why do you only need to hear a thread of truth? You need someone who is giving you 100% truth.

 

You shouldn't have to tell him to look for you when he's divorced. This is something that he should chose to do with all his power if he ever decides to divorce.

 

You have to start raising your standards in what you expect of a man.

[ABernie]

I've never loved anyone like this before. Every relationship, even my marriage, was so much easier to end. Why this? Why him?

 

I could have written this. It's complete torture. :sick: