Tempted

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you! I recognize in this thread how stubborn I can be. But it's not because I don't value everyone's perspectives. It's because I'm a cardinal/leader sign and need to put forth my own strong vision, then tangle with the details while considering other points of view from the background. I've been like this since I was a kid!

 

I had a strong feeling that as soon as I moved on from him, new and wonderful things would start flowing into my experience immediately - kind of a gift from the universe for doing the right thing - and that's exactly what's happening! I was a little scared to let him go as some kind of lifeline, but knew I'd be just fine

[JuneL]

It's done. I'm over it. I never should have chatted with him in the first place. I was lonely, I was depressed, I was weak. Same old story. I don't plan to ever do it again.

 

My date from Saturday called tonight and asked me out for Thursday AND Saturday, amazing creative date ideas, and I'm just tickled. He's 46, no kids, seems ready to settle down, brilliant guy, tons in common, SINGLE and AWESOME!

 

The shadowy dude is going exactly where he belongs - in my rear-view mirror!

 

Glad that you recognized you even entertained the idea because you were in a particularly vulnerable state. Perhaps you will read back some of your posts in this thread and ask what was I thinking...

[Ruby Slippers]

I have an update.

 

He got back in touch a couple weeks ago, after I told him a few weeks prior our correspondence had run its course, said my goodbyes.

 

We picked up just as before, but this time I was in a new fearless, seize the day mode. We texted pretty much all day every day, had a few phone calls. He started inviting me to meet again, spinning up the fantasies.

 

Eventually, he invited me to meet for lunch at a fancy restaurant. Then we started talking about what kind of lingerie he likes. He sent me 5 or 6 links to stuff he likes, and I told him what I liked. He said put them in the cart, create an account, and give me the log in, I'll order them for you. Men online have offered this before, many times, but I never accepted from anyone who wasn't my man. This time, I did. It felt naughty and bad, but also hot and sweet, special. He said it turned him on knowing I'd wear whatever he wants for him.

 

Sunday night I got a loud & clear, quite dramatic sign that all this isn't right, decided to stamp it out now. Interestingly, that's also when I stopped hearing from him. Before, he's been in constant communication, all day every day, always letting me know if he had something to do and would be away for a while. Extremely attentive. He's never missed a day - till then. I think he pulled back because the reality was setting in, at the same time it was for me.

 

Even before the lingerie arrived, I felt I had to get rid of those toxic, tainted things, do the right thing somehow. They arrived yesterday. I confirmed what it was, but didn't open the individual packages they were in.

 

Today, I donated them to a charity shop, and I feel a huge weight off. I felt a twinge of sadness - they looked so nice. But a good friend reminded me I can buy my own lingerie, take myself to a nice restaurant. I've never messaged him first and am not about to start. But if he gets in touch again, I'm going to tell him I want to pay him back. At least half of the cost. It can be our penance, a mutual donation to charity.

 

Then I think it would be best to say a final goodbye and block him. I don't think I can block emails. But hopefully if I tell him to go away, he will.

 

Y'all can burn me at the stake if you want. I know it was wrong. He just seems to be able to win me over somehow. I kind of want to pay him back then block him. On the other hand, I don't want to contact him.

 

I guess I'm considering it further penance to report this here, as some kind of warning to others who are tempted.

[bathtub-row]

It’s really hard to resist someone we feel a strong connection to, especially when they relentlessly pursue. I’ve been there myself. You did the right thing, however, forget about repaying him. I’d just leave the whole thing alone if I were you. If he contacts you, just say a final goodbye. If you keep talking to him, he’ll manage to change your mind.

 

It kind of reminds me of the affair in the movie The Waitress. She’d tell him goodbye and he’d agree, being all nice, and then she wanted him again. It was his respect for her wishes that she loved about him, compared to her demanding husband.

Edited November 1, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks. I'm going to offer to pay at least half of it, if I hear from him. It just wasn't right, and I feel paying back at least half for our "sin" is the right thing to do. He probably won't accept it.

 

I now can see clearly he's not a good guy. Obviously I wasn't an angel in the situation, either. But it's become very clear he's of questionable character at best.

[JuneL]

Thanks. I'm going to offer to pay at least half of it, if I hear from him. It just wasn't right, and I feel paying back at least half for our "sin" is the right thing to do. He probably won't accept it.

 

I now can see clearly he's not a good guy. Obviously I wasn't an angel in the situation, either. But it's become very clear he's of questionable character at best.

 

In what sense does he have “questionable character”? I thought you already knew about his emotional cheating part.

[Orokotikki]

Since he probably won't accept it anyway...

Aren't you just keeping your foot in the door?

[Ruby Slippers]

In what sense does he have “questionable character”? I thought you already knew about his emotional cheating part.

Yes, but I was ignoring the reality for my own convenience/experience. Him just ghosting was a cowardly move - but so is not being honest with your wife and figuring out a real solution. Further action simply verified what I already knew.

[brigit87]

Thanks. I'm going to offer to pay at least half of it, if I hear from him. It just wasn't right, and I feel paying back at least half for our "sin" is the right thing to do. He probably won't accept it.

 

 

NO. Forget about the money. OMG. The underwear was just a sleazy gift but you can't see that.

 

Every time you talk to him you lose. Like an alcoholic taking "just a sip."

[Ruby Slippers]

Since he probably won't accept it anyway...

Aren't you just keeping your foot in the door?

I guess I could go ahead and block him.

 

But personally, I'm a big believer in communicating your intention to end something, rather than just ghosting. I think ghosting is weak and cowardly, and I'm not that.

 

Anyway, I deleted all his info, so have no way to get in touch with him. If I hear from him again, I'll offer to pay him back, resolve that, then tell him I don't want anymore contact and am blocking him for my own peace of mind.

[Ruby Slippers]

NO. Forget about the money. OMG. The underwear was just a sleazy gift but you can't see that.

 

Every time you talk to him you lose. Like an alcoholic taking "just a sip."

No, I do see that. But I'll feel I've restored some karmic balance if I pay him back. A penance, of sorts. It's for my peace of mind, not his.

[JuneL]

Yes, but I was ignoring the reality for my own convenience/experience. Him just ghosting was a cowardly move - but so is not being honest with your wife and figuring out a real solution. Further action simply verified what I already knew.

 

It takes his not wanting you to see him for who he is. Do you think his wife may have found out about the underwears?

[Ruby Slippers]

It takes his not wanting you to see him for who he is. Do you think his wife may have found out about the underwears?

I seriously doubt that. He's a smart guy, bought a generic gift card for me, gave me the code. So at most, she would see he bought a gift card on his credit card - which he could have easily explained away.

 

I think he was being honest all along, in that he's never done this, was just playing out the fantasy to see what it might be like, and realized he didn't want to go through with it. What he really wanted was the hot fantasy, and the ego boost of knowing I'd consider going against my own standards because he was so tempting.

 

He told me a while back, after his wife lost her sex drive, he met a woman in a dressing room who asked him to give her feedback on all the dresses she was trying on, then he agreed to go with her to the movies. He held her hand and they kissed and that was it. He said that's been his only previous transgression in about 15 years of marriage.

 

All my life I've attracted very serious, responsible men, often men who are very attractive to women but conservative about sex due to religious beliefs or their own disposition. My last serious boyfriend, for example, was gorgeous and women were drawn to him like crazy, but he waited till almost 30 to have sex, due to religious beliefs and wanting to hold out for The One.

 

This guy seemed to fit that profile exactly. In fact, he had a ton in common with that ex-bf. The only difference is he was married with kids, and in a nearly sexless marriage.

 

He told me things never got as far and he was never as tempted as he was with me. Though everybody here said that was BS, I felt he was telling the truth.

 

I think what he was really seeking was smart advice about why it was wrong, what he could do instead.

 

Personally, I failed to be that pure-hearted voice of reason, and I'll have to live with that. He caught me at a particularly weak and vulnerable time in my life. And even through all the flirting, I did keep interjecting common sense advice about what he and I should both do.

 

Though we were fantasizing about how I would wear the lingerie for him, at one point he said he hopes I think of him when wearing it, silently implying this would happen while I was with my next boyfriend. But I would never do that. It would completely defy my nature to think of one man while with another. Sounds absolutely icky and wrong to me.

 

I think it's no coincidence that we both woke up right around the same time. We'd often text almost the exact same words/thoughts at the exact same time, out of nowhere. It was uncanny.

 

Anyway, another time, another place. Maybe we can meet in the next life.

 

But now my stock is rising and my dating prospects are heating up like woah. So I'm focusing on that. Not planning to get tangled up in any more situations like that one.

[brigit87]

 

1.I seriously doubt that. He's a smart guy, bought a generic gift card for me, gave me the code. So at most, she would see he bought a gift card on his credit card - which he could have easily explained away.

 

2. I think he was being honest all along, in that he's never done this, was just playing out the fantasy to see what it might be like, and realized he didn't want to go through with it. What he really wanted was the hot fantasy, and the ego boost of knowing I'd consider going against my own standards because he was so tempting.

 

 

In the first paragraph he sounds like a manipulative sneaky guy. In the second paragraph he sounds like a manipulative sneaky guy who you're making excuses for.

 

I just don't get it...you're just wasting your time.

 

In your other posts you talk about how attractive you are that men want to give you money just for videos and pictures. Guys don't do that to girls who aren't extremely hot and sexy. So why would a girl of that level of attractiveness even think getting sleazy underwear was something good?

 

It's just so confusing.

[Iris17]

A man with his own business who travels for work and is actively seeking an affair. He said he will take you on his business trips with him. Doesnt that make you feel special? Well you are not the first and won't be the last. Here's a man looking for a cheap escort. He knows exactly what to say and knows what women want to hear. And here, a woman who is loving this idea and wondering whether she should go for it. I think you should go for it. You seem to have that answer already for yourself.

[Ruby Slippers]

In the first paragraph he sounds like a manipulative sneaky guy. In the second paragraph he sounds like a manipulative sneaky guy who you're making excuses for.

 

I just don't get it...you're just wasting your time.

I'm not talking to him anymore. The most I'll do is offer him the money back, pay it, then say goodbye.

 

In your other posts you talk about how attractive you are that men want to give you money just for videos and pictures. Guys don't do that to girls who aren't extremely hot and sexy. So why would a girl of that level of attractiveness even think getting sleazy underwear was something good?

 

It's just so confusing.

I never said it's because I'm so attractive. I just stated the facts.

 

My dad was very verbally and emotionally abusive, and I'm sensitive and a perfectionist. Though I've been a star performer in many different areas throughout my life, I believe because of how my dad treated me, I've always felt I'm not anywhere close to good enough, sometimes in my very low times, that I'm not even good enough to exist.

 

It's only now that I'm finally beginning to truly overcome those very toxic lessons and realize what's special about me.

 

What we think... we become.

 

I used to think I was this scrappy, second-hand girl nobody could ever really want or love. It made no sense to me how I managed to attract these attractive, accomplished men. I assumed maybe they just had low self-esteem or were lazy and that's why they were going for me.

 

Well, recently I'm going through a profound transformation. The men approaching me are improving dramatically. As I'm beginning to see my own unique appeal, I'm embracing it, reflecting it outward, and the world is responding. Now, not only are the men attractive and accomplished, they are good-hearted, bold, humanitarian - all the things that really matter to me.

 

It's not just in romance, either. Today I got a job offer for a promotion, and had two phone calls with companies about positions paying double what I make now.

 

Suddenly, I'm seeing the light, removing all the self-placed obstacles that have been there for decades, and all this magic is immediately flowing in.

 

This guy already seems like a distant relic of the old me.

 

I embraced my sexy, beautiful side for Halloween, posted my pics on the dating sites, and today I was absolutely flooded with interest from appealing men, got about 10 date invites, have 3 scheduled for the week ahead, and have this amazing guy from New York I've been talking to on and off for a year who asked if he can come visit and meet me.

 

What we think... we become.

 

Now I feel fearless. I feel sure that anything is possible for me.

 

Some sneaky married dude doesn't figure into that whatsoever.

[Ruby Slippers]

He got in touch with a lame excuse today about cracking his phone and being without it for a while during a business trip overseas. I made sure to communicate what a lame excuse it was, told him I donated his "gift" and once the money issue is resolved I'm blocking him.

 

He said he deserves it. Which is true.

 

We agreed I'll donate half the cost of his "gift" to a worthy cause, and I blocked him.

 

I feel a weight off.

[bathtub-row]

He got in touch with a lame excuse today about cracking his phone and being without it for a while during a business trip overseas. I made sure to communicate what a lame excuse it was, told him I donated his "gift" and once the money issue is resolved I'm blocking him.

 

He said he deserves it. Which is true.

 

We agreed I'll donate half the cost of his "gift" to a worthy cause, and I blocked him.

 

I feel a weight off.

 

He deserved it. Good one!

[ExpatInItaly]

Keep him blocked.

 

He's an old pro and your lack of experience with men like him would have been obvious to him. He knew you were an easy target from the get-go, and he took advantage of that.

 

Prove him wrong and set higher standards for yourself by never giving him access to you again.

[JuneL]

He got in touch with a lame excuse today about cracking his phone and being without it for a while during a business trip overseas. I made sure to communicate what a lame excuse it was, told him I donated his "gift" and once the money issue is resolved I'm blocking him.

 

He said he deserves it. Which is true.

 

We agreed I'll donate half the cost of his "gift" to a worthy cause, and I blocked him.

 

I feel a weight off.

 

This’s not relevant, but I’m curious as to how you came up with the amount of your donation. Let’s say he paid $800 for the gift (which has been given away to some charity). For “fairness”, why are you not donating $800 to another charity? It sounds like you’re donating $400 only.

 

This man likely thinks that you had a change of mind because he had ghosted you first. Not that it matters at this point.

[Ruby Slippers]

Prove him wrong and set higher standards for yourself by never giving him access to you again.

I don't intend to ever talk to him again. I blocked his phone number. He could try to reach me from another number or email - I don't know of any way to block an email address, don't believe there is one. But I hope I'll be strong enough to never entertain his nonsense again. He did say before that if I don't want any contact, he'll leave me alone, and I believe that.

[Ruby Slippers]

This’s not relevant, but I’m curious as to how you came up with the amount of your donation. Let’s say he paid $800 for the gift (which has been given away to some charity). For “fairness”, why are you not donating $800 to another charity? It sounds like you’re donating $400 only.

Mainly because it's a stretch for me to donate even half. I feel that 50/50 is fair, since it was a 50/50 correspondence. I'm applying for my first home loan next month, and need to hang onto every penny I can for when they check out my finances. For what it's worth, I've been extremely generous, overly generous, my whole life, at times even at my own expense. I even gave generously to charity all during college when I was a struggling student living in the 'hood, volunteered the whole time as well. It's my nature.

 

This man likely thinks that you had a change of mind because he had ghosted you first. Not that it matters at this point.

It doesn't matter. He had said before that I'm obviously a lot stronger than he is, since he's the one who broke down and got back in touch with me. He also commented he's weak when telling me about going to the movies with that girl and kissing her. I'm no angel, but I'm clearly much braver and stronger than he is. I don't really care what he thinks of me anymore, but I have a feeling he knows I figured out I can do way better than him.

[bathtub-row]

Mainly because it's a stretch for me to donate even half. I feel that 50/50 is fair, since it was a 50/50 correspondence. I'm applying for my first home loan next month, and need to hang onto every penny I can for when they check out my finances. For what it's worth, I've been extremely generous, overly generous, my whole life, at times even at my own expense. I even gave generously to charity all during college when I was a struggling student living in the 'hood, volunteered the whole time as well. It's my nature.

 

It doesn't matter. He had said before that I'm obviously a lot stronger than he is, since he's the one who broke down and got back in touch with me. He also commented he's weak when telling me about going to the movies with that girl and kissing her. I'm no angel, but I'm clearly much braver and stronger than he is. I don't really care what he thinks of me anymore, but I have a feeling he knows I figured out I can do way better than him.

 

Everything he says to you is designed to draw you back in - compliance with your wishes, BS about you being stronger than him, blah, blah, blah.

 

Btw, forget that crap about donating the money. He bought the stuff, end of story. Stop playing this ridiculous game with yourself. There's no reason on earth for you to be dealing with something as silly as this. Keep your money, get your house, and donate something down the road when you can afford it, if you must do something. Forget this smooth-talking weasel.

[brigit87]

Everything he says to you is designed to draw you back in - compliance with your wishes, BS about you being stronger than him, blah, blah, blah.

 

Btw, forget that crap about donating the money. He bought the stuff, end of story. Stop playing this ridiculous game with yourself. There's no reason on earth for you to be dealing with something as silly as this. Keep your money, get your house, and donate something down the road when you can afford it, if you must do something. Forget this smooth-talking weasel.

 

I agree. This whole donating half of the price of underwear is silly anyway. It's a tainted donation anyway. Donate because you have a good heart.

[JuneL]

Mainly because it's a stretch for me to donate even half. I feel that 50/50 is fair, since it was a 50/50 correspondence. I'm applying for my first home loan next month, and need to hang onto every penny I can for when they check out my finances. For what it's worth, I've been extremely generous, overly generous, my whole life, at times even at my own expense. I even gave generously to charity all during college when I was a struggling student living in the 'hood, volunteered the whole time as well. It's my nature.

 

 

It doesn't matter. He had said before that I'm obviously a lot stronger than he is, since he's the one who broke down and got back in touch with me. He also commented he's weak when telling me about going to the movies with that girl and kissing her. I'm no angel, but I'm clearly much braver and stronger than he is. I don't really care what he thinks of me anymore, but I have a feeling he knows I figured out I can do way better than him.

 

Okay. I actually agree with the above posters that you shouldn’t donate half of the cost of those underwears. If I were you, I would have returned the items to the store so that they could refund the money to the creepy man. Of course you shouldn’t have picked those items in the first place.