Tempted

[Haydn]

I didn't call her evil or anything close. I considered her side and suggested a few things he perhaps hasn't tried.

 

Unpaid escort - that's funny. Even at my age, random men online still offer me ridiculous amounts of money for pics, cam, a date, etc. Within the past month I've been offered $500 for cam and $3,500 for a "date". I never have, never will. I talk to him because I like him as a person and I want to.

 

He told me about how as soon as he put on that wedding ring, when traveling for business, women constantly approach him to chat at hotel bars, etc., but he's never done more than chat. Of course, it's more tempting now that he's barely getting it at home.

 

I suggested if he's ever single/divorced and I'm still single, you never know. He already told he's very unlikely to ever divorce, and yesterday said even if he did, he's unlikely to ever remarry. That makes him now about as appealing as a relative! lol

 

 

Blimey, drinks on you then!

 

I was once offered a packet of salt and vinegar crisps and BFH, (Bus fare home)

 

 

Obviously i declined.

[FMW]

Blimey, drinks on you then!

 

I was once offered a packet of salt and vinegar crisps and BFH, (Bus fare home)

 

 

Obviously i declined.

 

 

 

That was awesome Haydn!

[Ruby Slippers]

OK, I'll respond to the non-insulting comments:

 

Still having sex on the regular with his wife - Perhaps. He told me the last time was in June in the swimming pool. He said she's amenable to sex 10% of the time he approaches her, but that's such a turn-off that he's stopped approaching, tired of feeling largely unwanted. Anyway, since I've 99% lost interest in getting physical with him, it doesn't matter.

 

Wife is a prude - He's never said anything disparaging about her, just that her sex drive is all but dead while his is raging, and that sucks. He said their sex life used to be amazing, now is all but dead.

 

Let herself/himself go - He hasn't said anything about her figure, dress, etc., just that he still wants her as much as ever. He works out and is in great shape, active work and social life, looks good.

 

Lying to woman he promised to honor - What's he doing isn't right, and I've advised him to stop pretending with her that it's all OK and make sure she understands just how serious a problem it is for him.

 

At the same time, how is it "honorable" to all but turn off the sex tap for your husband and expect him to live a sexless existence through his prime? I see no honor in that. I would never do that to the man I love. Even if I had no drive, there are still a hundred things you can do to please your man, and I'd try every last one to HONOR MY VOWS to love, honor, and cherish. I have never, ever sexually rejected a man I love. I wouldn't even think of it.

 

My confidence vs. weakness - Yes, obviously I'm weak to even consider something like this. I come from an abusive childhood and it's been a multi-layered obstacle my whole life. I feel I'm only now beginning to develop some REAL confidence, the kind that won't be shaken. When we first started talking, I was taking baby steps toward being more confident. His attention was very flattering. Yes, I was weak, and yes, he was pumping up my ego, as I was his. He told it was really wearing down his confidence, feeling so unwanted, undesirable, unmanly. I get it! We were in a similar place in terms of confidence vs. weak self-esteem.

 

Epidemic of sex-deprived married men - Read anonymous writing about long-term relationships and sex online for a short time and yes, you'll find that it is an epidemic. I used to be as judgmental as anybody about wayward husbands. Now that the problem is clearer to me, I get it.

 

The thing that baffles me is how wives honestly expect their husbands to suppress their most fundamental, primal biological drive because the wives have lost interest. If wives learn nothing else from a thread like this, you could learn that if you're not loving up your man sexually, you can be 99% sure he's going to seek it elsewhere. And trust me, they'll find many willing women. A good man is hard to find.

 

Would I consider him if he admitted having a good sex life and just wanting someone on the side? - Probably not, because that's not something I could commiserate with. I asked him why he doesn't go to a pro, and he said that doesn't appeal to him because there's no connection. Though he's obviously very sexually pent up, I think what we both were seeking most of all was a connection, the feeling that somebody gave a damn about us. He feels like his wife doesn't care about him. We were both looking for some way to care about someone and be cared about.

 

Texting late hours - He doesn't text late hours. He texts all throughout the work day, usually mostly afternoon once things have quieted down a bit for both of us, and then from about 7-10 pm, after his workout and dinner. Weekend can be anytime, but also usually 7-10 pm once activities for the day are done. And I've dramatically decreased the communication time. We went from all day every day to maybe half an hour total, and now it's 99% about my dates and dating goals, and his routine activities and work goals.

 

How to get rid of him - If I tell him I don't want to communicate anymore, he'll respect it. We had one short period when I told him I needed a break, don't contact me, I'll be in touch if I want to talk, and he respected it 100%.

 

Can I have an affair and not get attached? - I think I could. But I've already decided that if I just want something hot and fun, I'll find a single guy. Much less potential for drama that way, and no guilt.

 

Men offering money online flattering or not - I don't judge that either way. The point is that money isn't a factor in our communication.

 

Self-renaissance - Big time - it's amazing! I'm allowing online admirers to admire. 99% are single guys I don't wanna date for one reason or another. I tell them this, but some still want to communicate and admire, which I see as harmless. I never used to do this, but I'm mellowing out and having fun with it. It seems to be fun for all. Some try to step up their game to win me over, and I give them tips on how they can be a more attractive dating prospect in general. They seem to appreciate it. Some guys out there have a lot of potential, just need a little help!

 

Haydn - LOL! I couldn't trade my body for money. Sometimes it seems it could make life a lot easier, but I couldn't go there.

[Starswillshine]

You still sound like you believe what he says. My point about him lying to his wife- if he is lying to his life, he has ZERO problem lying to you. Proof that you cannot trust what he says.

 

Another point that you fail to absorb since we are stuck on this sexless thing.... women have needs, too. Once men marry their woman, they tend to stop meeting those as well. When I have discussed with guys about their sexless marriages, my first question is... well, how do YOU make her feel special. That is an epidemic... and I would bet in ALL those sexless marriages, this would be the problem from the other side. Marriage is a two way street. Someone needs to be willing to give in order to receive. But people let pride get in their way. Or they try just one small thing and give up. A man who looks to "solve" this issue by adding a third party to his marriage is not a devoted man. This man is quite the pro though. And while us BSs may not have known they were cheating specifically, we ALL could pick up on something. And it definitely will affect everything.

 

So chill on his wife. Because 1) he is likely lying, 2) you have no idea what he does or does not do, 3) you dont know her.

[JuneL]

OP: If this man is so charming, why do you think his wife is so reluctant to have sex with him? If he can spend his whole evening texting you, who do you think is taking care of the kids days and nights?

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, honestly, deep down, I believe him. I realize most of you think I'm naive for that, but it's the truth. If I had to bet money on whether or not his story is true, I'd bet that it is. Maybe I'd lose, but that's what my intuition says.

 

Someone said he offered things he's given other women before, but I don't think that's necessarily the case. For example, he only offered to spend the night when I told him I could never have sex with a guy who would just leave after, not spend the night. He said he'd have to plan a bit, but could make that happen. And so on.

 

I realize a marriage is a two-way street. I talked before about all the things he's tried. I also found out they tried counseling last year, but he says not much changed. I said then he has three options: stay and accept it, leave and find it elsewhere, or talk to her about some kind of arrangement outside the marriage that lets him gets his physical needs met. He says he tries to accept it but keeps getting tempted elsewhere, she's never go for an outside arrangement, and he has too much invested to leave. Anyway, his problem, not mine.

 

JuneL, he says it's "hormone issues", she says she now has almost zero urge for sex.

 

We haven't talked much about his kids, but I get the impression they're older, more self-sufficient. I'm also pretty sure his wife doesn't work, so taking care of the kids is her main job.

[imsosad]

You still sound like you believe what he says. My point about him lying to his wife- if he is lying to his life, he has ZERO problem lying to you. Proof that you cannot trust what he says.

 

Another point that you fail to absorb since we are stuck on this sexless thing.... women have needs, too. Once men marry their woman, they tend to stop meeting those as well. When I have discussed with guys about their sexless marriages, my first question is... well, how do YOU make her feel special. That is an epidemic... and I would bet in ALL those sexless marriages, this would be the problem from the other side. Marriage is a two way street. Someone needs to be willing to give in order to receive. But people let pride get in their way. Or they try just one small thing and give up. A man who looks to "solve" this issue by adding a third party to his marriage is not a devoted man. This man is quite the pro though. And while us BSs may not have known they were cheating specifically, we ALL could pick up on something. And it definitely will affect everything.

 

So chill on his wife. Because 1) he is likely lying, 2) you have no idea what he does or does not do, 3) you dont know her.

 

Spot on.

If a wife has really gone off sex, it's usually something about the dynamic, and not because she's a mean old woman depriving her poir husband.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to break off the communication the next time I hear from him, likely tomorrow. I feel that I'm quickly moving beyond needing his ego boost as a crutch, but he's not. He really, really wants to hear that he's special and I would choose him if I could get past the moral reservations, etc. He clearly feels emasculated by the situation, is a bit desperate for reassurance he's still desirable. I've already composed the message. It's polite but very clear.

[brigit87]

Blimey, drinks on you then!

 

I was once offered a packet of salt and vinegar crisps and BFH, (Bus fare home)

 

 

Obviously i declined.

 

 

Yo...don't underestimate the crisps. Plus, I've heard bus fare has gone through the roof.

 

(So there's that..)

[Miss Clavel]

listen honey, if it were me i'd send that message to his wife. i'd tell her.

 

and it pains me to admit but i'd love to be a fly on the wall when that message hits.

 

he lies. they lie. if their lips are moving, their lying.

 

and i understand. i do. i have a orphan daughter very much like you. and we talk about her not 'settling'. and she's very young so she can "not settle" for some time to come.

 

but you both risk ending up alone. and i'm guessing that your MM'S wife settled. **** happens. but you and I have to hear her side.

 

it's what i call a "two-fer". you find out he's lying and she shortens the lease, which forces you to get along without him.

 

and like i tell my DD, what's the big deal ending up alone? get a cat. travel, be beautiful, take care of yourself, be well read and well traveled.

 

love yourself honey.

 

good luck

[brigit87]

He clearly feels emasculated by the situation, is a bit desperate for reassurance he's still desirable.

 

Here's the thing, I understand why you're doing what you're doing but you doing but you aren't admitting to your role.

 

You're fooling around with a married man. You're knowingly engaging in an affair and you're in deep. If this is what you want OK. You're officially the other woman. If you were honest with yourself you'd say:

 

"I'm engaging in an affair because it makes me feel sexy and I don't really care about his wife. I don't know her."

 

And it sounds like you're also "a bit desperate for reassurance that you're still desirable" because it seems that is why you're primarily engaging in conversation with this dude.

 

I can understand you wanting to feel desirable. Everyone does. An affair seems like a great way to get this reassurance but it never is.

[stillafool]

Here's the thing, I understand why you're doing what you're doing but you doing but you aren't admitting to your role.

 

You're fooling around with a married man. You're knowingly engaging in an affair and you're in deep. If this is what you want OK. You're officially the other woman. If you were honest with yourself you'd say:

 

"I'm engaging in an affair because it makes me feel sexy and I don't really care about his wife. I don't know her."

 

And it sounds like you're also "a bit desperate for reassurance that you're still desirable" because it seems that is why you're primarily engaging in conversation with this dude.

 

I can understand you wanting to feel desirable. Everyone does. An affair seems like a great way to get this reassurance but it never is.

 

Yes and MM can smell this desperation a mile away. That is why it is so easy for them to get into an affair if they want some strange. There's a lot of women who are desperate for a man.

[Ruby Slippers]

I guess. It's easy to get A MAN. Not easy post-40 to get a quality, desirable one with his act together. This also happens to be when female sex drive is typically raging like an inferno. So yeah, a highly desirable married man in a sea of single slouches is a serious temptation. There's a reason alpha men have had harems throughout the ages: all women want the top dogs.

 

But I'm over it, and this thread has helped me play it all out in my mind fast.

 

The fact is if he were really all that special, he'd man up and face the problem head on, rather than sneaking around.

 

And my date last night was really good. Whether or not he's the guy, every date is getting much better. Now that I'm getting a social life again, it should really pick up.

[Ruby Slippers]

I did it! Politely said my goodbye, he accepted respectfully, and I deleted his number. Now I'm trying to figure out how to delete his email from autofilling on my phone when I type the first letter, but how to do this seems to be a mystery, going by online searches. I feel strong, but would prefer not to even be able to contact him again if I feel tempted. He said I'm welcome to contact him again anytime, but I don't intend to.

 

I feel a weight off.

 

Thanks to everybody for the advice!

[Ruby Slippers]

Figured it out, deleted the email address, also deleted his phone # from the call history. Yay

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, honestly, deep down, I believe him. I realize most of you think I'm naive for that, but it's the truth. If I had to bet money on whether or not his story is true, I'd bet that it is. Maybe I'd lose, but that's what my intuition says.

 

Someone said he offered things he's given other women before, but I don't think that's necessarily the case. For example, he only offered to spend the night when I told him I could never have sex with a guy who would just leave after, not spend the night. He said he'd have to plan a bit, but could make that happen. And so on.

 

I realize a marriage is a two-way street. I talked before about all the things he's tried. I also found out they tried counseling last year, but he says not much changed. I said then he has three options: stay and accept it, leave and find it elsewhere, or talk to her about some kind of arrangement outside the marriage that lets him gets his physical needs met. He says he tries to accept it but keeps getting tempted elsewhere, she's never go for an outside arrangement, and he has too much invested to leave. Anyway, his problem, not mine.

 

JuneL, he says it's "hormone issues", she says she now has almost zero urge for sex.

 

We haven't talked much about his kids, but I get the impression they're older, more self-sufficient. I'm also pretty sure his wife doesn't work, so taking care of the kids is her main job.

 

I'm sure his wife would say otherwise.

 

Notice how this is all her fault? She's not into sex, she's let herself go, she makes no effort etc..etc..etc.. So their marriage falling apart is all on her and he's miserable. That means he's perfect, makes an effort, buys her flowers, says I love you, makes her feel special and loved, treats her well and doesn't ever lie to her.

 

Okay, you believe his words, all that he's told you is true. He owes you nothing and isn't invested long term. It's so easy for a guy to lie and say what a woman wants to hear to keep them interested.

 

You're the one who is going to be hurt, not him. If you end it with him the only thing that will hurt will be his ego.

[Ruby Slippers]

I did end it, and we both came out unscathed.

 

I'd never want to get involved with a guy who lacks the balls or emotional intelligence to confront a problem like that head on.

[Starswillshine]

Glad to hear you have ended it. Might want to block him in all the ways, too, because he will likely still reach out. But for your own good, it is best. Guys like this are bad news. They know exactly what you want to hear. They know the words to speak. They seem sincere. You walk away with your head held high. And you're right... unscathed. And a little bit self-empowered. This seemingly perfect man came along, and you didnt take the bait.

 

And likely, he doesnt have that problem at home. And anyone using the alpha/beta labels are definitely on the beta side. Those always crack me up!

 

Anyway, good luck to you.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, if there was any winner in this silly game, I feel it was I. But ultimately it's win-win all around, since any real hurt was avoided.

 

What's funny, too, is it kind of seemed like he knew I was about to bow out. His messages this morning were especially upbeat, like damage control in advance. But he failed. At the end I felt like he's just a really good manipulator. I do feel somewhat ashamed of myself for having anything to do with him. Oh, well. Lesson learned, relatively painlessly.

[bathtub-row]

If I had a man like that, I'd be rocking his bod all night every night. That's what he wants and that's what I want. Sure, I'd take the kids to visit family, then come home at night to my man. I get it, she's decided that part of the marriage is over. And left him longing for it so much that he's looking for it elsewhere. He said their sex life was great for almost 15 years, then poof, she took it off the table almost entirely, leaving him with his hmmhmm in his hand like a chump.

 

People say yeah, he's lying to seduce you - but you hear the same story over and over again. Why would so many guys tell that same story on this anonymous board? Are they also looking for some random poster here to seduce with a fake story?

 

This is the kicker in dealing with MM — those ‘why’ questions have NO END. Because you have zero idea of what goes on in a marriage. And because you’re getting one side, a very biased side, you simply cannot take it as fact. Period. You can play that game all day long. And I can assure you that it’ll become like a roller coaster inside your head.

 

I’ve been on all sides of this fence. I’ve gotten involved with a MM, I’ve been cheated on, and I’ve cheated. I can tell you from first-hand experience that everyone would do themselves a huge favor by staying completely away from married people, and to never cheat.

 

I recall my ex husband telling me the BS story he told the woman that he was going to cheat on me with. He was horribly verbally abusive and within just a few months of our marriage, we were in counseling - at my insistence. During one of the later sessions, I stated that the verbal abuse had only gotten worse and I didn’t see any other alternative than to divorce. I wasn’t kidding around but I let my H talk me into staying just a little longer to “work things out”. I didn’t know he was just pissed off knowing I was about to divorce him and he wanted to get me back by cheating. So, this is how he conned that girl into believing it was my fault. They had been at the bar all night and he said, “See? She doesn’t even care enough to call and see where I am.” He knew she’d buy that story — and he told me about it. So, this girl had no clue that she was helping some verbally abusive jerk get back at his wife who refused to put up with the horrors he dished out. So, be very careful about who you’re helping cheat on their spouse, be very careful about letting yourself get conned. My horrible ex was extremely charming when he wanted to be so don’t think their real personalities are that obvious.

 

Look, if you want to rationalize this because you want to sleep with the guy, then go for it. But walk into it with your eyes wide open. You don’t know beans about him, nor his marriage, his sex life, or his wife. You have no idea if what he tells you is true or not. Those are the facts. Once you take the plunge, you’ll get a real taste of all the BS that goes with this kind of situation.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's done. I'm over it. I never should have chatted with him in the first place. I was lonely, I was depressed, I was weak. Same old story. I don't plan to ever do it again.

 

My date from Saturday called tonight and asked me out for Thursday AND Saturday, amazing creative date ideas, and I'm just tickled. He's 46, no kids, seems ready to settle down, brilliant guy, tons in common, SINGLE and AWESOME!

 

The shadowy dude is going exactly where he belongs - in my rear-view mirror!

[bathtub-row]

It's done. I'm over it. I never should have chatted with him in the first place. I was lonely, I was depressed, I was weak. Same old story. I don't plan to ever do it again.

 

My date from Saturday called tonight and asked me out for Thursday AND Saturday, amazing creative date ideas, and I'm just tickled. He's 46, no kids, seems ready to settle down, brilliant guy, tons in common, SINGLE and AWESOME!

 

The shadowy dude is going exactly where he belongs - in my rear-view mirror!

 

So good to hear! Best of luck with the single guy!

[Ruby Slippers]

Oh, and it must be said: Y'all were right! I was wrong

[brigit87]

It's done. I'm over it. I never should have chatted with him in the first place. I was lonely, I was depressed, I was weak. Same old story. I don't plan to ever do it again.

 

 

You learned quickly. Count yourself lucky. Like I said before I know why you found yourself in this situation. It's nice to feel sexy and desirable. That's normal. Now, you're free to find love the right way. And, you'll be happy not confused when it happens.

[SouthernIslander]

Oh, and it must be said: Y'all were right! I was wrong

 

 

Its not about being wrong, it’s about listening to the advice that you are given and being strong enough to do what many women in your positon can’t do. I really commend you for doing the right thing.

 

Very best of luck to you.