SouthernIslander Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 op, I know it might sound like everyone is trying to ran on your parade, but what they are saying makes so much sense, no matter how your relationship started. If you and this guy are going to end up together, then why the big rush to get married? You can still date, spend lots of time together and build a stable relationship. It sounds like his kids are entering their teen years soon, and a that age,kids can be notoriously hard to get along with, even at the best of times. The added stress of trying to sort out a relationship with you when they are still grieving the loss of their two parent family might push them to their breaking point. Give them time to adjust and negotiate what their relationship with you will look like. They may find a few months of fmaily counseling( them , their mom and dad) helpful. Once that has been settled, and they know they can trust you, then if you still want to get married, go ahead. You can even include them in planing the event, and they may be far more accepting of the marriage. After all, don't you want to get your new relationship off to the best possible start? It may be frustrating, but in the end, it may well pay off for all of you. I am a step mom and I agree with what you’re saying 100% . OP- This applies to blended families even if there wasn’t affairs involve. Waiting to give the kids time to adjust and the parents learning how to co-parent will make a huge difference for the kids and yourself. Benefits will last much more long term than the instant gratification of rushing things. It’s better for them to to get along and you’ll have a better chanc 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I just want a wedding before we have kids together, and one were I can get the things that matter to me in it. Nothing that you say points to having the best interests of the children (yours and his) at heart. The are trying to process the dissolution of their nuclear family, and you are rushing to create a new family. I still don't understand the need to rush. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 12, 2018 Author Share Posted September 12, 2018 The kids dont want to spend nights in a friend's house which is understandable. But there's no way to solve that apart from them staying with their mom, which she now refuses to. So what are we supposed to do?? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 The kids dont want to spend nights in a friend's house which is understandable. But there's no way to solve that apart from them staying with their mom, which she now refuses to. So what are we supposed to do?? again, when it comes to his kids, there is no "we". There is "he" and their mom. You are asking his kids ( and yours) to carry the burden of your actions. Whatever angst you may be feeling is nothing compared to theirs, yet your need to get married so you can start a family of your own is so much more important? the "reasons" for needing to rush into marriage is bunk. f they come over to stay with him, you can go to a hotel, a friend's couch or somewhere else. Right now, his kids ( and yours too) are trying to navigate what their new normal is going to look like. Adding a new step parent and maybe even a new baby brother or sister right now could be really harmful. Right now, it's not about you and this man. It's about a family that has been divided. The kids didn't ask for this,and if their long term well being means you and this guy have to wait to get married, wouldn't that be worth it? Isn't that the top priority? ( btw, i'm not just pulling this out of thin air. my brother was like you...met another woman and jumped into marriage with her. They both insisted the kids were doing well, and they had the support of my parents and hers. It all blew up in their faces. The kids all suffered and are still suffering today as adults. ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 (edited) The kids dont want to spend nights in a friend's house which is understandable. But there's no way to solve that apart from them staying with their mom, which she now refuses to. So what are we supposed to do?? Which is why, he should have found his own place to live and allowed his children time to adjust before asking them to adapt to a new woman and "children of your own" which you seem so eager to have. But - I know... he couldn't afford it and you wanted to be together. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two and a half years and we are just now talking about moving in together. The reason for the delay - we wanted to take into slow because that was in the best interest of his son. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be unkind, but the decisions that you have made and continue to make are most definitely not in the best interest of the children. What the adults in is situation have done to these children is shameful. The decisions - the three of you - have made are based purely in your own best interest. Perhaps someday, your children will help you to understand exactly what we have all been trying to say/advise you all along... Edited September 12, 2018 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 12, 2018 Author Share Posted September 12, 2018 I have nowhere to go... We can't afford all of those hotel nights that would be needed it would be cheaper to rent another replace I'm sure but we can't afford it. So the only workable solution is the kids staying at the family friend's house which they had repeatedly said they don't want to keep doing, their mom says he has to have them those nights (which account for 1/3 of the time). So what is he supposed to do?? He can't work extra time because he needs that time to see the kids (he's taking time off to be able to pick them from school). Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I have nowhere to go... We can't afford all of those hotel nights that would be needed it would be cheaper to rent another replace I'm sure but we can't afford it. So the only workable solution is the kids staying at the family friend's house which they had repeatedly said they don't want to keep doing, their mom says he has to have them those nights (which account for 1/3 of the time). So what is he supposed to do?? He can't work extra time because he needs that time to see the kids (he's taking time off to be able to pick them from school). Decisions have consequences. These are the kind of difficult problems, with no good solutions, that you experience when you put yourself in a situation, such as you have done... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 12, 2018 Author Share Posted September 12, 2018 Decisions have consequences. These are the kind of difficult problems, with no good solutions, that you experience when you put yourself in a situation, such as you have done... He would have faced the same problem.even if I hadn't been part of the picture. Because the truth is he can't afford to.pay maintenance and solace for himself. That is completely independent of having an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 He would have faced the same problem.even if I hadn't been part of the picture. Because the truth is he can't afford to.pay maintenance and solace for himself. That is completely independent of having an affair. It is. Absolutely. He would have had to figure something out for himself and his children, if he had divorced and you were not in the picture. He would have to get a better paying job. Perhaps, his wife would have been paying him... Or, as some families who can not afford to separate do, they would have had to stay together somehow... But instead, he jumped from one relationship to another... And now, you are supporting him. You are sharing the living expenses, but you have enabled him to leave his marriage when he is not financially independent. For good or for bad, it doesn't solve the problem - he is not able to support himself and his children. Think about that, before you have another child together. As you know, having children is expensive... And child support, owed to three different children with two different mothers... Well, don't ever count on that from this man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 He would have faced the same problem.even if I hadn't been part of the picture. Because the truth is he can't afford to.pay maintenance and solace for himself. That is completely independent of having an affair. Do you realize what you just said? He wouldn't have left his wife without you as part of the picture. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 Do you realize what you just said? He wouldn't have left his wife without you as part of the picture. No, he "couldn't" have left his wife without her in the picture... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 12, 2018 Author Share Posted September 12, 2018 I know I facilitated everything, which is fine by me. If anything it makes it even clearer that he simply was in that marriage because he couldn't see a way out. The way I help him is minimal btw, I simply share the cost making everything easier. Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 The kids dont want to spend nights in a friend's house which is understandable. But there's no way to solve that apart from them staying with their mom, which she now refuses to. So what are we supposed to do?? What the kids want doesn't mean its best for them. Its up to the mother and father to determine that. Not "we". The affair facilitated dragging kids in a lot of chaos and doing unnecessary damage to the co-parenting relationship with his wife. Everyone makes mistakes, but you do not mean these children any genuine good if you are fine with this (per your last comment). Exposing his children to an environment like that isn't the better alternative. Under the circumstances, it is best that the father continues to meet with his kids on neutral ground (his family friend's house) for now. Fighting over visitation is common in high conflict situations like this. Visitation schedules cuts down the confusion that leads up to it. The father knew his situation when he agreed to the visitation schedule and should follow it. The mother is doing the right thing by refusing to engage in his self inflicted drama because he changed his mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 13, 2018 Author Share Posted September 13, 2018 What the kids want doesn't mean its best for them. Its up to the mother and father to determine that. Not "we". The affair facilitated dragging kids in a lot of chaos and doing unnecessary damage to the co-parenting relationship with his wife. Everyone makes mistakes, but you do not mean these children any genuine good if you are fine with this (per your last comment). Exposing his children to an environment like that isn't the better alternative. Under the circumstances, it is best that the father continues to meet with his kids on neutral ground (his family friend's house) for now. Fighting over visitation is common in high conflict situations like this. Visitation schedules cuts down the confusion that leads up to it. The father knew his situation when he agreed to the visitation schedule and should follow it. The mother is doing the right thing by refusing to engage in his self inflicted drama because he changed his mind. Well their mom agrees that this isn't ideal and thus why in the end she's happy for them to meet me as she knows the kids will eventually live with both of us. So it's really now a waiting game until the kids feel they're ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 14, 2018 Author Share Posted September 14, 2018 (edited) In a very bizarre twist of fate she ended up calling so I coiled put some sense in my boyfriend's actions. I said that in the end those children aren't mine and that I don't make any decisions it's up to the email two as patents. I apologized for what happened and said she can call me any time. I also mentioned I didn't think it was necessary to meet in person, as I don't don't know if we were ready but that I was happy to. I even offer to drop stuff so I could meet her ASAP. So the kids are coming over to meet me, the cat and the house their dad and I share. We shall see how it goes So that was that.... Edited September 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator reference to deleted post removed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 In a very bizarre twist of fate she ended up calling so I coiled put some sense in my boyfriend's actions. I said that in the end those children aren't mine and that I don't make any decisions it's up to the email two as patents. I apologized for what happened and said she can call me any time. I also mentioned I didn't think it was necessary to meet in person, as I don't don't know if we were ready but that I was happy to. I even offer to drop stuff so I could meet her ASAP. So the kids are coming over to meet me, the cat and the house their dad and I share. We shall see how it goes So that was that.... Good that you reassured her that you understand the kids aren’t yours and parenting is up to them. And I think starting off on the phone before meeting in person is also a good idea since you guys aren’t ready yet. In person is a bit risky now. You handled the conversation well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 17, 2018 Author Share Posted September 17, 2018 Just a quick update. Meeting with the kids went splendidly well. They stayed for close to five hours and then we spent most of Sunday together. They were eager to please me and even told me about their day. His son and I played together in the playground. Their dad and I shared some PDA and they didn't freak out! It really feels like the bad times have gone away. I only want to do what's best for them and play the best role for all of them. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 (edited) Their dad and I shared some PDA and they didn't freak out! I only want to do what's best for them and play the best role for all of them. Look, I don't mean to rain on your parade... But seriously? It was the first meeting! Could you not have been respectful to those children and kept your hands off their father for the first meeting. Again - rushing things and putting your needs ahead of the children. You only want what is best for the children - that's not true, or you would have given then time to get to know you before forcing your relationship on them - more than you have already. This is so disrespectful and inappropriate. I don't know how to say it any differently. Edited September 17, 2018 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 17, 2018 Author Share Posted September 17, 2018 How did we force it? It was them who asked to meet me. It's them who have asked when can they have a sleepover. And I let him lead the PDA as it's his kids not mine. We've never ever said, your meeting and you don't have a choice... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 How did we force it? I let him lead the PDA as it's his kids not mine. Have you ever been present wth a couple who has engaged in PDA - it’s usually an uncomfortable feeling. My father used to engage in PDA with his girlfriend after my mother passed away. It was really upsetting to myself and my brother to see my father show affection to a woman who was not my mother. Again, not that you need to do what I do, but my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years - I can probably count the number of times his son has seems us kiss or hold hands. We are kind to each other, we laugh together, we have fun and we are sometimes affectionate - but we have both felt that the respectful thing to do was NOT to engage in PDA in his presence. Again - this was your FIRST meeting. It’s healthy for children’s to see their parents showing affection, so that they know what a healthy and loving relationship looks like. But, do you really need to do it on your FIRST meeting. Do you really think they are ready to see their father being affectionate towards a woman who is not their mother? Let’s not forget - this is the guy who thought it was a good idea to kiss you on the street before he had told anyone about your affair. And, you thought it was a sign of his undying affection then too - not a reflection of his very poor judgment. Next time he wants to enagage in PDA in front of the children - just my very humble opinion, tell him to save it for later. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 Their dad and I shared some PDA and they didn't freak out! Please tell me you are joking. That is so inappropriate. Stop rushing things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 That episode of kissing in public feels like it was a very long time ago. And it's not like we're dry jumping or making out. It was just playing with my hair, quick sneaky kiss here and there. TBD I think it was way worse that they saw us cuddling on the sofa. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 That episode of kissing in public feels like it was a very long time ago. And it's not like we're dry jumping or making out. It was just playing with my hair, quick sneaky kiss here and there. TBD I think it was way worse that they saw us cuddling on the sofa. Does it really matter? No need to justify anything. Both were very inappropriate, showed a lack of good judgment or care of anyone's feelings but your own. I'm not saying this to be judgmental. Just, to point out a pattern of behavior... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 Does it really matter? No need to justify anything. Both were very inappropriate, showed a lack of good judgment or care of anyone's feelings but your own. I'm not saying this to be judgmental. Just, to point out a pattern of behavior... Point taken. In his words he tried to see what their reaction would be Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Point taken. In his words he tried to see what their reaction would be I wonder why he felt the need to do that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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