Meeting BS before I meet the kids

[anika99]

I know I'm in the "minority" but is it really torture? I often think that if other OW knew my story they'd try to find some similarities and make their own choices.

 

It is said that if the MM is to leave the wife he'd do so within 3-4 months. I'm part of that statistic. In fact he tried to leave his exW very early in our relationship. Within 2 weeks of our first kiss I filed for divorce, the following week he addressed it with her. It took him two more months to finally leave the family home for good.

 

You're right though. I'm not the OW anymore. We have a home together, joint bills and a cat. I'm the step mother of his kids. He's the step father of my daughter. We're engaged, we're marrying in November in the US with my family and going on our honeymoon to Mexico.

 

I think the affair is how we met but not what defines us as a couple.

 

You are getting married in two months?!! You both just got divorced. This sounds insane. Why are you doing everything at breakneck speed?

 

I recall from your earlier threads that you have depression and some other mental health issues. It seems to me like this whirlwind affair turned relationship is sort of an escapism or distraction from your problems. After all the excitement of the affair and moving in with your affair partner and getting divorced and getting remarried all within a year, after all that excitement and drama dies down, you will still be you with pretty much the same problems you've always had, only compounded because now there are ex spouses and step children in the mix.

 

I also seem to recall that you felt resentful in your marriage because you got sort of roped into marriage and motherhood at a young age. So why the rush now to take on even more baggage? Why not enjoy single life for a couple of years? I don't mean enjoy single life as in bedding down a bunch of men (although you could totally do that if you wanted to), you could still date your exMM exclusively, but you could also take some time for yourself just to breathe and enjoy life for yourself.

 

Once the fun of getting married and having a honeymoon is long over I think you are going to find yourself not all that much happier in your new marriage than you were in your old marriage. Five or ten years or maybe even in just a couple of years you are going to regret not taking a couple of years to be single and rushing so quickly into a second marriage.

[BaileyB]

You are getting married in two months?!! You both just got divorced. This sounds insane. Why are you doing everything at breakneck speed?

 

I totally missed that.

 

Well, perhaps you will learn that the old saying is true... "Act in haste, repent at leisure."

 

Marrying this man so quickly - when the ink is barely dry on your divorce papers, when you are still dealing with his angry ex-wife, when his children are adapting to their ever changing circumstance, and considering how this relationship started and how things have progressed... is absolutely insane. But then again, neither of you have demonstrated that you have the ability to delay gratification - there is no reason to expect you to do so now...

[d0nnivain]

Yup, that's how I see it. The catch is that she actually knows me and we interacted a bit in the past. We were friendly so she knows I'm no real life witch/monster.

 

So apart from a "please look after them" which of course I will because I love their dad... I don't know what will come out of it.

 

The kids will live with us 1/3 of the time. In the future depending how things go we might ask for joint custody.

 

 

If she already knows you & now blames you, rather than her cheating husband, for the break up of her marriage, all she wants to do is berate you, & extract her pound of flesh. If you are willing to let her vent in your presence go ahead & meet but I would absolutely drag her EX your BF along. Stand there & say nothing. There is nothing you can say that will help her so just keep quiet. Your BF should defend you against her tirade & if he doesn't well you need to take a long hard look at him. Whatever you do never tell her that you & her EX are planning on seeking joint custody of her kids. You have no standing to seek anything, Again why their father isn't seeking joint custody now-- it's a decision making determination that has very little to do with where the kids reside -- says a lot about this guy & none of it good IMO.

[BurnedAndLost]

If she already knows you & now blames you, rather than her cheating husband, for the break up of her marriage, all she wants to do is berate you, & extract her pound of flesh. If you are willing to let her vent in your presence go ahead & meet but I would absolutely drag her EX your BF along. Stand there & say nothing. There is nothing you can say that will help her so just keep quiet. Your BF should defend you against her tirade & if he doesn't well you need to take a long hard look at him. Whatever you do never tell her that you & her EX are planning on seeking joint custody of her kids. You have no standing to seek anything, Again why their father isn't seeking joint custody now-- it's a decision making determination that has very little to do with where the kids reside -- says a lot about this guy & none of it good IMO.

Stop making stuff up. She has spoken nothing on what this woman thinks of her ex.

[brokenandhopeless]

Take the high road, be graceful. You are the stepmother to her kids. Let her meet you but stay reserved, polite, apologetic, and graceful. It will help you mentally that you did your best even in this tough situation. You are in a happy place now hopefully. She may or may not be be happy even with a BF. You can show her you are are sorry but assure her that you are not taking kids away from her or anything else. She is bound to have insecurities having lost her husband. Take the high road. Whatever the provocation may be, don't respond. Instead, keep a cool head at the meeting and don't let provocations make you respond in a way you will regret later. Listen to her, don't feel the need to correct her.

 

You will come out being graceful and mature.

[d0nnivain]

Stop making stuff up. She has spoken nothing on what this woman thinks of her ex.

 

I didn't make anything up. In the following 2 sentences, the OP in her original post SAID the BS blames her (the OP) for the implosion of the marriage & wants the OP to apologize. To me that screams that BS has misplaced blame.

 

I also couched my answer in terms of possibilities. I am fully aware that as an internet poster I do have also the facts. To the extent that the BS does blame the OP, in the OP shoes I would not go anywhere near the BS without the EX-H / BF by my side.

 

So, BurnedandLost, what is your point in accusing me of making things up?

 

 

 

his exW wants to meet me so I she can't tell me all the destruction I caused and so she gets a formal apology from me.

 

I think the problem will be that she'll want me to admit I wrecked her marriage and I don't agree with that. I was the trigger sure but that's very different from saying that without me they were all blissfully happy.

[littleblackheart]

You're engaged to a man who was still married 3 months ago to a social acquaintance of yours and whose kids you haven't yet met, and you wonder why, In that context, their mother wants to meet you?

 

You do what you want, but I personally see nothing unreasonable in her approach.

 

My kids have met a few of their father's 'serious' gfs, none of whom I've ever been interested in meeting but even I may well want to meet you under those

circumstances. How old are these children?

[Timshel]

I would meet with her niteandfog, without your bf. In your particular circumstance, I would meet with an expectation of some vitriol, some malevolence. Meet with her with humility and let her have at you if that is her choice.

You may be surprised that if you are present and willing to absorb her contempt with calm and non condescending sympathy...and have the kahunas to take it and meet her, mother to mother, how quickly it dissipates.

 

 

It may be cathartic for her, for both of you. There isn't any reason to not be there if you are thinking about a future with this guy. There is every reason to let her and yourself begin a relationship of your own, since both of your children are still young.

 

 

You have to go through, there is no roundabout way.

 

 

Agree with others about planning a wedding now, it's too soon, imo.

[SouthernIslander]

I didn't make anything up. In the following 2 sentences, the OP in her original post SAID the BS blames her (the OP) for the implosion of the marriage & wants the OP to apologize. To me that screams that BS has misplaced blame.

 

I also couched my answer in terms of possibilities. I am fully aware that as an internet poster I do have also the facts. To the extent that the BS does blame the OP, in the OP shoes I would not go anywhere near the BS without the EX-H / BF by my side.

 

So, BurnedandLost, what is your point in accusing me of making things up?

 

 

This is coming from the OW who likely isn't telling the whole story, so what she says doesn't mean that the wife didn't make her husband's life hell or blames the OW only.

[BurnedAndLost]

I didn't make anything up. In the following 2 sentences, the OP in her original post SAID the BS blames her (the OP) for the implosion of the marriage & wants the OP to apologize. To me that screams that BS has misplaced blame.

 

I also couched my answer in terms of possibilities. I am fully aware that as an internet poster I do have also the facts. To the extent that the BS does blame the OP, in the OP shoes I would not go anywhere near the BS without the EX-H / BF by my side.

 

So, BurnedandLost, what is your point in accusing me of making things up?

 

Nope. She is rightfully blaming op for her part in the affair. That doesn't mean the wife is not blaming the husband ALSO. Don't forget this is coming from someone who needs to make the wife look like the bad guy to deflect from her own wrong doings. OP DOES owe her an apology. And I'm going to take a wild guess and say OPs attitude is the cause of most of her problems.

Edited September 8, 2018 by BurnedAndLost

[Red123]

I have to agree with many of the posters who said you are moving very fast, what’s the rush? If you have found your true love there shouldn’t be a need to rush as you have the rest of your lives together. On a side reading this thread makes me feel so relieved that my kids are old enough to decide for themselves if they ever want to meet the OW their dad is currently with. I can’t imagine how I would feel being the BS in this situation.

[sandylee1]

I don't see how you're torturing OWs on here. That's madness. If you don't want torture, stop having an affair with a MM. The OP is not torturing you. You're torturing yourself. Own it.

 

I think despite being a former OW...It's very relevant to the problems you're facing now.

 

FWIW I wouldn't go to meet her if it was me. No good can come of it for you. You're under no obligation to meet her.

[BTDT2012]

We're engaged, we're marrying in November in the US with my family and going on our honeymoon to Mexico.

 

 

 

How do you do this legally with getting divorced in the UK?

[Starswillshine]

When my STBXWH starts dating seriously and has a woman around my kids a bit, I would love to have dinner with them. So I can meet her. My WH hasn't always shown the best judge of character so I cant just trust him that this new woman will be great. I guess I have no power if she isnt. But it would put my mind at ease if I meet her and she is awesome. But I'm an adult and can handle myself as such... I would think any mother would want to do this... and if not, it would concern me that she isnt asking to meet the new person.

 

But you say she knows you, but you also say she is asking to meet you before the kids do? I can understand how she being the BS and you the OW how it could get ugly. But maybe you deserve to hear her feelings, too. As a previous poster stated, it may actually go really well in improving your relationship with her. She will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Might as well learn to like her.

[anika99]

How do you do this legally with getting divorced in the UK?

 

 

Now I'm confused. OP according to your last thread, your MM isn't divorced yet, hasn't even filed for divorce and you said you think it's going to take him a couple of years to get divorced. But you're going to marry him in November and go on a honeymoon? How does that work?

 

Do you mean it's going to be a pretend marriage ceremony? And your family approves of a mock marriage to a married man?

[niteandfog]

It turns out that his exW had already filed and didnt tell him a thing... The price to pay was that I was named as the reason of the divorce but I don't care, so if everything goes as planned the final paper work should be ready by then. The BS's dad is a lawyer so that shall speed things up.

 

I'm not entirely sure it will clear up the air, but then again I have no idea what to expect...I'm sure I'll hear more about it this week.

 

My family doesn't care btw that his divorce hasne been finalized... They both met him and they've said that they have never seen me this happy and that they can tell we truly love each other and for them that's enough.

[BTDT2012]

I'm not entirely sure it will clear up the air, but then again I have no idea what to expect...I'm sure I'll hear more about it this week.

 

 

Expect that you will be the primary provider for your family. And decide right now that you accept it and won't resent him for it.

[anika99]

So a few weeks ago your MM had no idea he was getting a divorce and now the divorce details are all worked out just like that? They have already decided on custody, the division of assets, child support, etc? Funny you never mentioned anything about that before, considering how difficult his wife has been, I would think she would put up quite a fight to get the best divorce settlement.

 

I have to say OP there are times that parts of your story are difficult to believe.

[shellybing]

What about leaving the past in the past, and putting forth a new foot to move foreward? That seems like the best asnwer to me, regardless of what happened before or what she says.

[niteandfog]

So a few weeks ago your MM had no idea he was getting a divorce and now the divorce details are all worked out just like that? They have already decided on custody, the division of assets, child support, etc? Funny you never mentioned anything about that before, considering how difficult his wife has been, I would think she would put up quite a fight to get the best divorce settlement.

 

I have to say OP there are times that parts of your story are difficult to believe.

 

I live in the UK so things are done differently here. They own nothing, he has nothing in his name. No joint savings and only one joint credit (a sofa!) So there's nothing to get a settlement of. Child support and custody was agreed a few months ago (here in the UK is done as soon as you separate and it's independent of the divorce process).

 

And yes he had no clue... Basically our whole future became stable overnight which even for us is hard to get used to.

[pepperbird]

Yup, that's how I see it. The catch is that she actually knows me and we interacted a bit in the past. We were friendly so she knows I'm no real life witch/monster.

 

So apart from a "please look after them" which of course I will because I love their dad... I don't know what will come out of it.

 

The kids will live with us 1/3 of the time. In the future depending how things go we might ask for joint custody.

 

 

Woah there...

 

 

There is no "we" when it comes to deciding the rules and living arrangements for his kids. That is between him and her. If you really want to keep the peace, you will respect that.

[emilyj]

Wow. This is a lot.

As a mother, I would definitely want to meet the woman who was marrying my ex and going to be spending time living with my children part time.

As a fOW now in a R with MM, I would do it for her, but I would expect it to NOT be pretty.

I don't understand the rush.

It took MM 1.5 years to leave. We're a year past that. He has mentioned us living together but I just don't see that as a possibility for the kids involved. They are hurt. They know and like each other, as we all were friendly before this mess, but there is no way that I am willing to cause more hurt by making them be around me. I know my part in this, I was selfish, he was selfish, we chose US. I want to be with him, but I want him to repair his relationships with his children first. If I have to wait until they are grown to sleep in his bed every night, I'm okay with that.

Let them mend. Let her mend. Rushing into marrying seems like it will put you in a position to be exactly where BW is down the line.

I could be wrong, and I wish you luck.

Do his kids know about the A?

[pepperbird]

op,

I know it might sound like everyone is trying to ran on your parade, but what they are saying makes so much sense, no matter how your relationship started.

 

 

If you and this guy are going to end up together, then why the big rush to get married? You can still date, spend lots of time together and build a stable relationship. It sounds like his kids are entering their teen years soon, and a that age,kids can be notoriously hard to get along with, even at the best of times. The added stress of trying to sort out a relationship with you when they are still grieving the loss of their two parent family might push them to their breaking point.

 

Give them time to adjust and negotiate what their relationship with you will look like. They may find a few months of fmaily counseling( them , their mom and dad) helpful. Once that has been settled, and they know they can trust you, then if you still want to get married, go ahead. You can even include them in planing the event, and they may be far more accepting of the marriage.

 

After all, don't you want to get your new relationship off to the best possible start? It may be frustrating, but in the end, it may well pay off for all of you.

[niteandfog]

Nobody apart from my close friends and mom and dad are involved in the wedding. Not my daughter nor his kids. Whenever we are all. New family that's when we will have a wedding over here. The meantime is just more about us and what it means to us to be together. I just want a wedding before we have kids together, and one were I can get the things that matter to me in it. As I'm an expat I know I would have to have two weddings anyways, so the second will come when everybody is ready.

 

The kids know everything. They currently spends some nights with their dad at a friend's house. They're not very happy about it, but the only way they can have a permanent room of their own is in a house that is shared by my boyfriend and I, they've accepted this and that's why everything is moving forward. Their mom's boyfriend spends regular time with them, so I think that's part of it too.

[SouthernIslander]

Nobody apart from my close friends and mom and dad are involved in the wedding. Not my daughter nor his kids. Whenever we are all. New family that's when we will have a wedding over here. The meantime is just more about us and what it means to us to be together. I just want a wedding before we have kids together, and one were I can get the things that matter to me in it. As I'm an expat I know I would have to have two weddings anyways, so the second will come when everybody is ready.

 

The kids know everything. They currently spends some nights with their dad at a friend's house. They're not very happy about it, but the only way they can have a permanent room of their own is in a house that is shared by my boyfriend and I, they've accepted this and that's why everything is moving forward. Their mom's boyfriend spends regular time with them, so I think that's part of it too.

 

 

I read your other threads. You made a comment about how you boyfriend is making you a priority even though it is straining his relationship with his son. I read your threads, very self-centered and the both of you have put your wants/needs before these kids. Their kids staying at a friend’s house isn’t a reason to “move forward” so quickly because you guys can very easily slow things down..which is what’s best for them.

 

They don’t seem to mean much to you other than validating your love for a man and this unrealistic “happy family” fantasy.

 

I don’t mean to be harsh on you but that is not how healthy step parenting works.