Friendzoned-now what?

[OatsAndHall]

This has happened to me three times and I've tried to reschedule the date as soon as possible. I text them the next day to see how they're feeling and, if they say they're better, I ask them if they want to meet up that day. Forcing the issue a bit gives me an idea of where they actually stand. If they jump at the chance to meet up that day then I know they were sincerely sick. If they tell me that day doesn't work for them or anything else, then I look for another time. If they're flaky on that, then the ball is in their court and I move on.

 

 

 

One on occasion, we met up that day for lunch. On the other two, I ended up ghosted.

[max3732]

If a date goes well, it's traditional to do a small kiss on the first date, a better one on the next one, etc. Otherwise, what is the message? It's I just want to be friends and that's all. Yes, that wooden stuff will put you in the friendzone each and every time. If she's going on more than one date, you can assume she likes you enough to start being a little affectionate. Women like men to take charge. Fear isn't attractive, so you better learn to fake it.

 

The woman I was talking about here appears to be a lost cause.

 

I've got my Tinder date this weekend. I don't know much about this woman from Tinder other than how she looks (very attractive) and her taste in restaurants. After the disaster of being too wooden/not touching her at all until the 2nd date I'm going to try and learn from my mistakes o go for a small kiss. Hopefully I can figure out how to do it.

[max3732]

At the beginning of what I thought was our 3rd date she put flat out told me she was putting me in the friend zone, which hurt since I really liked her. It was not unexpected since I know I messed up on our 1st 2 dates and was too wooden and didn't make any moves. Needless to say I didn't enjoy the movie we went to see all that much

 

My question is should I contact her again as "friends" and try some of the very basic 1st date moves to establish some kind of contact? I mean ones like putting my hand on her shoulder while talking or touching her back to lead her somewhere? Also, since I don't know any women around my age would it be good to have an actual female friend that I could talk to? I don't have any intention of escaping the friend zone with her, but maybe it would help me improve with other women?

 

Or should I just avoid contacting her again and think her offering to be friends and actually spending an evening with me was just politely dumping me and she doesn't want to see me again?

[preraph]

No you should not continue to try to date her after she's told you she doesn't like you that way. Respect her decision and just move on to the next one. Persistence just makes women mad because his extremely disrespectful once they've told you they're not interested.

[max3732]

No you should not continue to try to date her after she's told you she doesn't like you that way. Respect her decision and just move on to the next one. Persistence just makes women mad because his extremely disrespectful once they've told you they're not interested.

 

I'm not saying I would try to date her, but rather just be friends with her to have an actual female friend around my age.

[alphamale]

Or should I just avoid contacting her again and think her offering to be friends and actually spending an evening with me was just politely dumping me and she doesn't want to see me again?

 

^^^this, after which you move on and find other girls to date

[rightondude]

My question is should I contact her again as "friends" and try some of the very basic 1st date moves to establish some kind of contact? I mean ones like putting my hand on her shoulder while talking or touching her back to lead her somewhere? Also, since I don't know any women around my age would it be good to have an actual female friend that I could talk to? I don't have any intention of escaping the friend zone with her, but maybe it would help me improve with other women?

 

brother the ship has sailed. Your statements above are contradictory and you suddenly putting your hands on her is not going to change her opinion. Use this as a teachable moment and move on.

 

Now, you can keep her as a friend, but treat her like a friend.

 

If you want any chance of getting her back, move on and make a catch of yourself. If you stand any chance she will have to chase you. None of this slip my arm around her, catch her in a moment of weakness, be her shoulder to cry on and then start going at it crap. That's movie BS.

[mortensorchid]

She friendzoned you. And you're asking what now? What now is your answer : she has friendzoned you. That's all. What's the point in seeing or talking to her at all anymore if you want something other than that? Think you should just move on.

[Highndry]

This is the one who canceled the date a few hours before, right? That was an obvious blow-off. What's surprising is that she went on a 3rd date. The MOMENT she talked about friend zone, you should have bailed. "Sorry, not interested, goodbye."

 

 

The lesson here is this: Don't go out on dates with women who show low interest in you. It's an exercise in futility. Date women who are excited to be with you. It's obvious in their eyes, smile, etc.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Highndry

[MaleIntuition]

She sound selfish. Bad friend material. Why did she accept a third date if she wasn’t interested?

[Desesperado]

I see too often the friendzone is missunderstood by guys and let me say only women of poor character have such a zone and here's why !

 

A woman of good character who has boundaries, if the dating doesn't do it, will gently tell you this isn't working there won't be more dates and then either

a) I wish you good luck etc, seeing you like her too much so she doesn't want to stay around, you know putting what you can't have under your nose, that's called empathy and boundaries.

b) Ask to remain friends, clearly and without ambiguity if you share interests or find each other interesting and would be doing things in a non dating way.

 

Now the friendzone isn't what I explained in b, the friendzone is where a woman will put you, knowing that you like her a lot, staying just the right amount in your radar, so you think there might be a chance and keeping you hooked.

This is usually done for ego boost, or to get taken out to movies and restaurants by the friendzoned, never to get what they hope will happen, it's selfish and shows quite low empathy on the person's end.

 

Now to make matters worse, because only poor character women have this zone, this one plainly admitted to it and bluntly stated, that she was putting you in this zone... She really has no respect for you OP, you should turn your back to her and never even give her attention or thought anymore, have some freakin self respect !

 

 

All this being said though, many men don't realize that she still kind of needs your agreement to put you in the friendzone. All you need to do is have boundaries, not being an ass about it, but just when you see she's not feeling it and trying to use you, just tell her calmly.

I don't need to be your friend and don't want to be, I allready have enough friends no thank you that's not what dating is about !

Then you walk away and just don't contact these people anymore, if you cross in the street, smile say hi and be polite, but they don't have any hold on you anymore and as I said you don't need people who try to use you.

 

Simple but very effective, you'll feel proud of yourself showing you have boundaries.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Desesperado

[ExpatInItaly]

No, don't try to be her friend right now.

 

You still like her, while she doesn't feel the same way about you. Being friends will be awkward and uncomfortable for you and for her. How friendly will you really feel when she can't hang out because she's got a date?

 

It sucks, but at least she was honest. I would not persist in maintaining communication at this time.

[coolheadal]

At the beginning of what I thought was our 3rd date she put flat out told me she was putting me in the friend zone, which hurt since I really liked her. It was not unexpected since I know I messed up on our 1st 2 dates and was too wooden and didn't make any moves. Needless to say I didn't enjoy the movie we went to see all that much

 

My question is should I contact her again as "friends" and try some of the very basic 1st date moves to establish some kind of contact? I mean ones like putting my hand on her shoulder while talking or touching her back to lead her somewhere? Also, since I don't know any women around my age would it be good to have an actual female friend that I could talk to? I don't have any intention of escaping the friend zone with her, but maybe it would help me improve with other women?

 

Or should I just avoid contacting her again and think her offering to be friends and actually spending an evening with me was just politely dumping me and she doesn't want to see me again?

 

Nope, you tell her thanks but your not interested in her as friends only. You want to date her and soon develop into a relationship.If your not ready well take care, and let me know when your ready to do so. Bye.

 

That's what you tell her... Do not call, do not chase, do not text. Leave it and if she doesn't come around, then you move on to the next girl/woman.

[JuneL]

If I were you, I would have told her I came here for a date and then left. Your going along with her to see the movie was very beta. Just curious: Did you still pay for her after she friendzoned you?

[smackie9]

Just accept a simple fact....she gave you a shot and it didn't work out....stop frittering around and be done with it...move on.

[JuneL]

I’m actually puzzled as to why you would want to do first date type of touching to your platonic female freind

[PRW]

I'm not saying I would try to date her, but rather just be friends with her to have an actual female friend around my age.

You're saying to want to "stay in a near orbit" and hope that she'll see how nice a guy you are and will change her mind and suddenly decide she is in love with you.

[kendahke]

I'm not saying I would try to date her, but rather just be friends with her to have an actual female friend around my age.

 

You don't want to be her friend, though. You want to be her lover.

 

Are you OK with her talking to you about the new man she's twisting herself up over? Because that's what friends talk about.

[carhill]

At the beginning of what I thought was our 3rd date she put flat out told me she was putting me in the friend zone, which hurt since I really liked her.

People have free will and can change their mind at any time. She choose to go on two dates and apparently wasn't feeling it in the romantic sense on the third, and told you. Cool.

It was not unexpected since I know I messed up on our 1st 2 dates and was too wooden and didn't make any moves. Needless to say I didn't enjoy the movie we went to see all that much

IMO, don't speculate. It didn't flow so she let it go. However, if you're always 'wooden' and have consistent difficulties in dating, take a look at your own style and behavior and make changes for you. Changes don't guarantee dating success.

 

My question is should I contact her again as "friends" and try some of the very basic 1st date moves to establish some kind of contact?

I wouldn't, presuming she wasn't a valued platonic friend prior. If she was, no different contact than prior. If you're not affectionate with female friends as normal behavior, no.

I mean ones like putting my hand on her shoulder while talking or touching her back to lead her somewhere?

Do you do that with female friends or the wives/partners of male friends? I'm guessing not since you admit to being a bit 'wooden'.

Also, since I don't know any women around my age would it be good to have an actual female friend that I could talk to?

Sure, female friends are cool. Find some mutual interests and enjoy. One key about a friend is they, as you, have interest in their friend's well-being, including their romantic life. A healthy female friend will want you to succeed in relationships. That's one way to discern a true female fried from a female hoover who keeps you around for attention.

I don't have any intention of escaping the friend zone with her, but maybe it would help me improve with other women?

IMO, keep romance and friendship separate. Don't use friends as romance practice dummies.

 

Or should I just avoid contacting her again and think her offering to be friends and actually spending an evening with me was just politely dumping me and she doesn't want to see me again?

 

Honestly, IMO, from long life experience, whether you live or die isn't high on her priority list of things in life. You, as she, are just a couple of billions on the planet and if she never saw you again or heard your voice, it'd make essentially zero difference. Enjoy the moments. No guarantees of any future ones.

 

Now what? Learn from the experience and date other women.

[alphamale]

Now what? Learn from the experience and date other women.

 

yes carhill, learning from the experience is of utmost importance

[MissBee]

No, don't try to be her friend right now.

 

You still like her, while she doesn't feel the same way about you. Being friends will be awkward and uncomfortable for you and for her. How friendly will you really feel when she can't hang out because she's got a date?

 

It sucks, but at least she was honest. I would not persist in maintaining communication at this time.

 

I agree.

 

In dating, people either like you or they don't. Often it's not because of anything you did wrong, sometimes you just don't connect. It happens to ALL of us. There isn't a soul on earth who's had every single person they've gone out with like them just as much or want to move forward. You just have to accept that as part of life. 3 dates in is not much invested at all...you barely know someone at that point. Rejection at that stage should be much easier to shake off vs a breakup where you've gotten a lot more attached.

 

If someone says clearly they aren't interested listen to them and keep it moving. You like her, it makes no sense to pretend to be friends and then think you'll get upgraded. If you want real female friends that are truly just friends you can find that in some other way.

[Desesperado]

This mindset always baffles me, guys that end up in relationships from friends and staying around a woman are very rare exceptions, not the norm I can't understand why so many guys cannot accept this.

 

You're putting yourself in the friendzone behaving like this, it's ridiculous man, I just don't understand why so many men want to stay friends like this.

I've been back in dating intensively since beginning of the year and I've met really nice and cool women, but I'm not pretending since it didn't work that I'm friends with all of them and that would be too much people to talk to as well.

It's very okay to wish them good luck and just never contact anymore, why stay friends with either women who don't like you so much, which might end up using you, or with people you know you'll hardly ever cross again, lest do activities with them, that's just a waste of energy !?

[Rocker71]

Nope, you tell her thanks but your not interested in her as friends only. You want to date her and soon develop into a relationship.If your not ready well take care, and let me know when your ready to do so. Bye.

 

That's what you tell her... Do not call, do not chase, do not text. Leave it and if she doesn't come around, then you move on to the next girl/woman.

 

I did the same thing. It hurts to know I let the girl down when she wanted it.

But I didn't know what I didn't know.

I didn't know sex first, friendship after. Along with the sex of course.

I presented myself as boyfriend material, too respectful to touch her in the places she wanted to be touched. And I lost the type of woman I always wanted. Everytime I think about her it feels like Bruce Lee kicked me in the chest.

After a series of embarrassing gushy texts where I told her I missed her she texts me "I'll text you another day" to which I texted back" good night".

 

That was our last communication, over 4 months ago. The only consolation I can take from this is that I swear by the sex Gods, it'll never, never ever happen again.

Besides the reality is that the whole reason a girl decides to go out with you is because she's considering you as a potential sex partner.

Lets not mess it up again. Lets be fun, unpredictable, and evoke her emotions.

 

But this one, you have to never call her again. If you do you'll look weak to her and she won't have good feelings about you. Let her go. Thats the only way she might one day think about you again. Is if you leave her alone. Go into no contact mode.

 

Date other women. I'll say it again, date other women.

 

By the way, I did go for and got the kiss on the lips on every date with her. I just couldn't flirt or escalate. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I thought of her as too beautiful to do that and risk being viewed as creepy by a 50yr old hot MILF.

Rejection is better than regret.

 

There's a book. You can get it on amazon. It's called "The Book of Pook" get it. It's cheap. It helped me see my mistakes I was making with women. And how to treat women the way they really like to be treated. That information changed my dating life for the better.

 

Oh and don't forget "The Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi. I just wanna help since I did the same thing and learned the hard way.

Edited August 22, 2018 by Rocker71

[Miss Clavel]

loooove the idea of just making her a friend.

 

she can give you tips and tricks and take you shopping for hair products and clothes.

 

 

she can help fix you up. lots of woman fix men up to please themselves. men too for that matter.

 

it just depends who starts liking the New You first.

 

her or some other lucky woman.

 

because some girl will.

 

don't lose that shyness. some of us find it appealing. you have a whole heart and a duty to keep it that way.

 

never stick you tongue down a dates throat, exp. after a meal. the french kiss is only done by invitation.unless your already naked, let the woman send the clue.

 

best of luck

Edited August 22, 2018 by Miss Clavel

[PRW]

This mindset always baffles me, guys that end up in relationships from friends and staying around a woman are very rare exceptions, not the norm I can't understand why so many guys cannot accept this.

 

Hollywood movies

TV

Novels

 

It is what they are bombarded with all their lives

 

You, I, others with our view of this, are the exception. But even with me, I started out like the OP and had to spend the last several years breaking myself out of that. I'll probably never manage it 100%.