Wife of 9 years moved out but doesnt want divorce...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Bill, it is a real pity that you are playing ostrich and burying your head in the sand. You are clutching at the proverbial straws when you mention that your wife slipped up and mentioned that she 'loved you' a few times. Please heed what others have advised you about and start taking action instead of stewing in limbo till you become physically sick.

 

Learn to love yourself and start respecting yourself. Only then will your wife and others respect you. Very sad story.

[FMW]

Love doesn't solve everything.

 

it's natural you still love her, we don't stop loving people in an instant, no matter how shxxxy they are to us. That doesn't mean we stick around and keep taking it.

 

And I have no problem believing she still loves you, but that doesn't stop her from doing what she's doing - at the very least keeping her distance from you, and almost certainly being involved with someone else.

 

"Loving" someone encompasses a wide variety of feelings, and not all of those feelings result in being faithful and committed to making a partnership work. Her "love" for you right now is being shown in her actions and clearly isn't what it needs to be to maintain your marriage.

 

It doesn't appear she's going to be making any changes. So it's up to you to decide what you're willing to put up with.

[Marc878]

Find out who the OM is and inform his wife.

 

Anything is better than wasting your life living in limbo which is all you're doing.

 

Hard NC. Going to marriage councilling while she's in an active affair is a waste of time and money.

 

You need to wake up. All the advice in the world does you no good if you don't act.

 

Words will get you nothing

[Mr. Lucky]

but this is just pure love i have for her that makes this so difficult

 

I don't know any part of love, pure or otherwise, that's based on continually subjecting yourself to abuse, betrayal and manipulation. You're confusing love and need, two very different things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bill138]

may have a point

[DKT3]

I say you stop going to MC, stop communicating with her and take some time to yourself to figure out what you want. Alot of times men in your situation are more interested in getting the girl back then actually being with the girl. Meaning that it's some primal caveman chit. My woman grunt.

 

What happens when she comes back (if she does)? Good chance you won't want her.

 

Oh, you need to have her served. I been around men like you for years, I've never met one who regretted having a cheating wife served, only those who wished they'd done it sooner.

[notbroken]

Just do it - file. You are wallowing in the pain. Even if you did get her back, you could never likely be happy with her - or her with you. She IS cheating and has been for quite a while. Staying with her (and delaying) will affect you in ways you can't imagine. Lowered self esteem, depression, etc. Regain your self respect. Tell her you can't be with someone you aren't a clear #1 with. Ever. She has disrespected you and herself and is damaged goods. Go dark/no contact. Only talk with her when absolutely necessary to complete your divorce. Move on as best and fast as possible.

[sandylee1]

A blind man can see she's cheating. Don't let her play you for a fool.

 

Why would her phone be in one spot all weekend.

 

Remove your location from your phone so she stops or can't track you.

 

You don't need proof...but hire a P.I and get the evidence if you need it.

 

Stop marriage counselling and start individual counselling.

 

Next ... I'd be filing for divorce.

[bill138]

guys just an update. I told her im done being her #2 and only talking when its conveniant for her and that she needs to get professional help. well since i told her that, she went dark. Now theres no contact. Im sure I did the right thing but i feel like crap. I sure as hell dont feel any better, but Im coming to grips that this is really over and Im pretty damned depressed about it. I guess Im just gonna move foward and file. Whem the hell does this start feeling better?

[BluesPower]

guys just an update. I told her im done being her #2 and only talking when its conveniant for her and that she needs to get professional help. well since i told her that, she went dark. Now theres no contact. Im sure I did the right thing but i feel like crap. I sure as hell dont feel any better, but Im coming to grips that this is really over and Im pretty damned depressed about it. I guess Im just gonna move foward and file. When the hell does this start feeling better?

 

After you man up and divorce, that is when...

 

After you come out of denial that your wife is a cheater and not the woman that you thought she was. After you realize that she does not love you and maybe never did.

 

After you see that you have worth and you deserve better than this.

 

After you reattach your balls, file for divorce and start a new life...

[Fugu]

guys just an update. I told her im done being her #2 and only talking when its conveniant for her and that she needs to get professional help. well since i told her that, she went dark. Now theres no contact. Im sure I did the right thing but i feel like crap. I sure as hell dont feel any better, but Im coming to grips that this is really over and Im pretty damned depressed about it. I guess Im just gonna move foward and file. Whem the hell does this start feeling better?

 

Basically, you nailed her on her (probable) affair and she just doesn't want to deal with you right now. Ending affairs first means ending options. People in affairs have the option of you or her affair partner. You removed that option and now she has to make a hard choice. She's going dark because she doesn't have the guts to confront you about how she feels about the relationship. Moreover, she never gave you the chance to try to work things out. But I'll tell you this: don't expect any guilt on her part. She doesn't have any. It's no doubt maddening to you, but from her perspective, she feels that you didn't 'get' her and this is her way of telling you. Nobody ever said love was a rational thing.

 

The bottom line is, she checked out of the marriage long ago, and without kids or other deep family attachments, there's nothing to really bring her back in beyond her feelings about your relationship. Unfortunately, it just seems like whatever feelings she once had about the relationship are gone. Her moving on to someone else is indicative that she's getting those feelings from someone else. This has been her reality for some time now; unfortunately, this is now your new reality. I'm sorry, my friend.

 

In the meantime, you took the positive first step. I've always been a believer in trial separation before divorce, but that's also predicated on disclosure, which there hasn't been on her part. She moved out not to get a clear head but (most likely) to engage in an affair. There's no trust here, which makes a trial separation difficult at this point. I think it's probably time to just start thinking about life after marriage. Try to work it out amicably but protect your financial interests first.

[stillafool]

I'm not going to lie. Divorce is painful so just embrace the pain and not delay it. Did your wife admit to having an affair? Of course not, right. She was basically trying to take a break from you to see if a relationship with him would work and if he did she would divorce you. If not, she would come back. Don't let her shy and sweet demeanor make you think she won't cheat. I'm a woman and the women friends who have cheated were all the shy and sweet type. When she's served with divorce papers THAT will slap her in the face that her gravy train (you) are pulling out of the station and leaving her behind. At this point you will probably see a change in her actions if this other guy isn't acting as if he wants her. Men will usually have sex with another man's wife but few are likely to make a real commitment to her. Don't be her 2nd choice, back up man, you deserve a woman who is in love with you and wants you. Don't give her money.

[aliveagain]

You have no children, she is deep in an affair with a married man she works with(she separated from you so she could try him out without the guilt of having to come home to you). He can only see her on the weekends because he has a wife, that's why you can't reach her, they are together. You need to have her served, divorce takes time and you can stop the process any time up until the final decree. She is lying to you my friend so don't waste a lot of time being her back up plan B. It is better you get yourself out of infidelity now rather then two years down the road, life's too short and you deserve better. Get yourself checked for STD's. Start the 180, please read up on it and follow it. The 180 will help you detach.

[Mr. Lucky]

guys just an update. I told her im done being her #2 and only talking when its conveniant for her and that she needs to get professional help. well since i told her that, she went dark. Now theres no contact. Im sure I did the right thing but i feel like crap.

 

Here's the real test - have you felt better recently after speaking with her, knowing she was lying to you and covering her tracks with the OM?

 

Better to rip off the bandaid and start your new life than to continue to be played for a fool. When someone shows you who they really are, best to believe them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Woggle]

The next step is to hire a lawyer and have her served. There is no saving this.

[bill138]

well i confronted the coworker. He was a complete douchebag. No remorse. She has been telling him personal private stuff about me including letters i used to write to her etc etc and telling him lies about me. Completely justying her own actions with lies. Since I comronted him, he told me that she will text me that she no longer wants contact with me and thats exactly what she did after. Then they both started texting me calling me a liar when shes been the one lying to me all this time! My anger was undescribable. Its true what they say they leave a nice guy for a turd everytime. Well I filed for divorce and my lawer is serving and giving her a court date and if she contests we have a hearing and subpeona the boyfriend. I want to her to have nothing. not the house or even any money and she can be gone with the crap she left with. Knowing the truth even shes been lying fot god knows how long helped me to file but the pain i feel is double due to her now acting like a 5th grader with her boyfriend. She was the last person who I ever thought would do this to me or anyone. I love you guys as you alwayd seem to be right.

 

To add the night before I confronted her boyfriend, my stbxw and saw each other and she told me she loved me and wanted to cone back home. I truly beleived her as she was being very heart felt. Well, I thought before I even entertain the idea, i'd confront her boyfriend which she denied all that time. Then thats when the crap hit the fan. What the hell was her endgame? What the heck was she thinking wanting to come back home?? Ive never been so betrayed in my life...

Edited September 15, 2018 by bill138

[Marc878]

Nothing but words. Her actions tell you what you needed to know

[FMW]

That was really brutal, but in a way she gave you a gift - of clarity. You have no doubt now what is going on and hopefully have no lingering desire to hold on.

 

Stay strong and move forward.

[2.50 a gallon]

Age old saying "Cheaters cheat down"

And from my observation, most often with time the one cheated on ends up with somebody far better.

Thirty years ago I kicked out my Ex when I caught her kissing a guard where she worked.

A couple of years back I Googled her name and found several photos. Boy did I get lucky, the years have not been kind to her. She is easily pushing the scales above the 2 double zero mark.

While for the past 23 years I have been sharing my life with a grandma who still had an hour glass figure and a flat stomach. And is truly one of the nicest sweetest gals I have ever met.

[Woggle]

Age old saying "Cheaters cheat down"

And from my observation, most often with time the one cheated on ends up with somebody far better.

Thirty years ago I kicked out my Ex when I caught her kissing a guard where she worked.

A couple of years back I Googled her name and found several photos. Boy did I get lucky, the years have not been kind to her. She is easily pushing the scales above the 2 double zero mark.

While for the past 23 years I have been sharing my life with a grandma who still had an hour glass figure and a flat stomach. And is truly one of the nicest sweetest gals I have ever met.

 

This is similar to my story. I was cheated on by my first wife only to end up with a woman who is damn near perfect. Nobody is but she is the kind of woman many men dream of ending up with.

[Fugu]

well i confronted the coworker. He was a complete douchebag. No remorse. She has been telling him personal private stuff about me including letters i used to write to her etc etc and telling him lies about me. Completely justying her own actions with lies. Since I comronted him, he told me that she will text me that she no longer wants contact with me and thats exactly what she did after. Then they both started texting me calling me a liar when shes been the one lying to me all this time! My anger was undescribable. Its true what they say they leave a nice guy for a turd everytime.

 

It's called "gas lighting," which is the attempt to replace the factual truth with the imaginary truth that people want to believe (and also want you to believe as well).

 

One thing to remember about affairs is that they are themselves a form of manipulation. When people have secrets, they have power. They have information that their spouses and partners don't have. Withholding critical facts about a relationship is a deliberately manipulative act. The whole gas lighting thing that comes at the end is a desperate attempt to convince you that you aren't really seeing what you know damn well you're seeing. But here's the important thing: before you had disclosure, they were more aware of the truth than you were.

 

Since disclosure, the roles have been reversed. You're now more aware, more enlightened, more knowledgeable of the truth than they are. That's because you insist on living in a world of facts whereas they insist on living in a world of fiction. By confronting them, by divorcing her, and by moving on with life, you're ending all that nonsense. More importantly, you're taking the power away from them, and giving it back to yourself. Manipulative people HATE it when they have that kind of manipulative power taken from them, because they've established a relationship based on a foundation of manipulation and control. Take that foundation away from them, and they have absolutely no idea what to do. Good on you.

 

To add the night before I confronted her boyfriend, my stbxw and saw each other and she told me she loved me and wanted to cone back home. I truly beleived her as she was being very heart felt. Well, I thought before I even entertain the idea, i'd confront her boyfriend which she denied all that time. Then thats when the crap hit the fan. What the hell was her endgame? What the heck was she thinking wanting to come back home?? Ive never been so betrayed in my life...

 

My own two cents and feel free to ignore it, but I wouldn't use divorce to get revenge. Use it to get away from her as quickly, easily, painlessly, and least expensively as possible. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

[bill138]

Fugu thanks for the response. It somehow explains it. "Gaslighting" Never heard of it. Not using divorce as revenge only doing it now because I saw the truth with my own eyes. I can never reconcile after finding out she lied to me all this time all the while trying to convince me there was noone else and that the time apart made her realized how much she "Loves" me and wants to come back home. Then to turn on me so fast after I confronted him and then she s the one that goes no contact with me since. Btw, i havent even attempted calling or texting her after that and i blocked her boyfriend because i couldnt take any more lies that she has been feeding him

I still dont understand what the hell she was going to do if i let her back home. thats a scary thought. I truly beleive she would have but why? It seems so damn evil and all i ever did was build such a good life for us. excellent career buetiful big home, sport car cruises and she did this to me. Im experiencing anxiety and depression for the first time in my life becausr of this. Im divorcing her because she became a monster someone i dont recgonize but how? How did my sweet wife who once adored me become this????

[aliveagain]

She finally showed you who she really is. Don't waste anymore money on marriage counselling, it never works when one of you is actively in an affair. Get ready for a war, the two of them are teamed up against you. Even the odds, get the best lawyer you can afford and listen to him. Don't forget to get tested, they have been a couple a long time, they always lie about using protection. It wouldn't surprise me if she stopped having sex with you about the time the POSOM came into her life. You have no children together, don't waste anymore time on this one.

[bill138]

thanks. Im not wasting any time. Filed the next day after confronting his his sorry ass. But my psyche, and my senses have taken a big shock over this. Im not the same. I never saw this crap coming.....Extremely low and depressed. ive lost 30 lbs, not sleeping right and my entire world has changed. everything. 10 years and she just skips out like we had nothing over some loser. We loved each other so much and the life we invested so much.....for nothing and im left feelimg like a sack of crap alone miserable and feeling like a widow....and a fool. Noone can beleive it and everyone we know our mutual friend agree noone ever thought she was capable of being so manipulative and capable of doing this

[2.50 a gallon]

There is no explaining how quickly they turn around. It was like my Ex-W's body had been invaded by some space alien. I no longer knew who she was!

It screwed with my head pretty badly.

At one point I was so low in this bottomless dark hole of nothingness, that I actually wondered if some day in the future I might be able to laugh again.

I completely gave up on believing in love and marriage. Over the next 15 or so years I had a great sex life as I dated and slept with lots of women. However the mere mention of love had me packing my bags and charging out the back door and running down the alley, as fast and as far as I could go.

Trust me, you will get over this and some day in the future you will find yourself in a relationship with a gal far better than your ex.