When do you stop being the OW/OM?

[marky00]

She actually did say it one week ago. She said she's tried hard to make them hate him but hasn't been able to. She also admitted that she never let their son speak for himself just tell what to ask of his dad.

 

We've never pushed for the children to meet me, unfortunately they know who I am as their mom showed them photos of me earlier on. Ive never asked to meet them he's never asked I should.meet them.

 

He's never asked his son he has to talk about what has happened.

 

Here in the UK she can't stop the kids from meeting me. But we've never forced as that what she wants.

 

I can't believe we are still talking about her but since that seems to be all we talk about, lets analyse this further.

 

The part in bold. I just don't believe. No way would she admit to that. If someone was actually doing that, it wouldn't come out like that. They would keep it to themselves or be more subtle about it. If for argument's sake she did come out and say it that way, she's no longer being manipulative because its all out in the open. So either way, it doesn't make sense.

 

You jumping in and reading texts or w/e but those words are in the context of a very complex and bigger story that you can't fully comprehend (only they can).

 

Your opening post said something about wanting to minimise damage down the line. I think you used the words "to slowly heal the situation" or something similar.

 

To me, you reading texts and saying such things about her is doing the exact opposite. It causes further damage when you get involved. It's best if you just let things play out on their end and just tell your boyfriend to stop telling you what has been said etc.

 

Doesn't sound like you agree with me but and I guess that is ok. But then that begs the question, what are you trying to achieve by this thread?

Edited August 16, 2018 by marky00

[niteandfog]

You're digging a hole trying to justify his/your behvaior.

 

 

All you two had to do to keep the affair under wraps, at least from his kids, would have been to have your mm couch surf with a friend for a while while the dust settles. Unless he is friendless and has no family, this could have been an easy fix, but he chose otherwise. He was just that selfish.

 

 

I know you love the guy, but all these excuses are just that, excuses.

 

But we tried but she told them.all the truth of what was going on as soon as he came clean. He was present she just called them in and told them. And yes he couched surfed at first but neither of us have local family and just a handful of friends.

 

To reply to the other poster, yes she actually said that in front of them (the I've tried to make you hate him) . But it does seem like that chapter is in the past. Hopefully

[Starswillshine]

But we tried but she told them.all the truth of what was going on as soon as he came clean. He was present she just called them in and told them. And yes he couched surfed at first but neither of us have local family and just a handful of friends.

 

To reply to the other poster, yes she actually said that in front of them (the I've tried to make you hate him) . But it does seem like that chapter is in the past. Hopefully

 

That was what I thought you would call this "manipulation. "

 

So let's get this straight. You and He did this. You did the actions. She told them. And SHE'S the evil one? How is this not surprising. You both need some serious work on yourselves before you can truly be in a healthy relationship.

[marky00]

 

To reply to the other poster, yes she actually said that in front of them (the I've tried to make you hate him) . But it does seem like that chapter is in the past. Hopefully

 

Oh interesting, so its not 2nd hand information its 3rd hand. She tells the kids, kids tell your boyfriend and he tells you.

 

Have you ever played chinese whispers?

[niteandfog]

I'm not saying she's evil, I've just always said there was no need to drag the kids into this. That's all, but like I've said, the kids are making a mind of their own, so that's good. My ex didn't And it's not third hand information he said Infront of my boyfriend

[BaileyB]

the kids are making a mind of their own, so that's good.

 

The kids are how old - all under 10, I believe. Am I wrong?

 

Children should not have to deal with adult problems. It's not good! They should not have to understand this, make a mind of their own, take sides, comfort or protect a parent, or deal with any of the problems that you have all created. Let them be children!

[marky00]

I'm not saying she's evil, I've just always said there was no need to drag the kids into this. That's all, but like I've said, the kids are making a mind of their own, so that's good. My ex didn't And it's not third hand information he said Infront of my boyfriend

 

I'm sorry but that is 3rd hand info. His son told your boyfriend about something his ex wife said. He then tells you. So you are 3 people away from the source of the info.

 

As a young child, it's fair to say he won't really want to pick sides but if he does make a decision of some sort, I'm sure he wouldn't want to make a scene out of it. So yes it's possible the son was speaking from a place of truth but his version of what his mum said may not be 100 percent accurate. It's not always easy for a child to articulate such things, especially something with such complex undertones.

 

But at least you said "he is making his own decisions". That's a better way of looking at it than pointing the finger at the mum. That's why I suggested you step away and just let it work itself out. Let the son figure things out exactly how he wants without pressure or input from the adults. It doesn't matter what she has said because as I said no one acts perfectly during a divorce. But you can control your own actions.

[Ashamedandguilty]

We were both married but my marriage was in tatters and living separate lives

 

When he eventually got caught (months after I did) it was apparent he’d ring lieing all along and had completely used both of us

 

I was disgusted how he handled being caught and discovering the extent to his lies

 

He’s a nasty man but puts on a show of being salt of the earth

[niteandfog]

I'm sorry but that is 3rd hand info. His son told your boyfriend about something his ex wife said. He then tells you. So you are 3 people away from the source of the info.

 

As a young child, it's fair to say he won't really want to pick sides but if he does make a decision of some sort, I'm sure he wouldn't want to make a scene out of it. So yes it's possible the son was speaking from a place of truth but his version of what his mum said may not be 100 percent accurate. It's not always easy for a child to articulate such things, especially something with such complex undertones.

 

But at least you said "he is making his own decisions". That's a better way of looking at it than pointing the finger at the mum. That's why I suggested you step away and just let it work itself out. Let the son figure things out exactly how he wants without pressure or input from the adults. It doesn't matter what she has said because as I said no one acts perfectly during a divorce. But you can control your own actions.

Yes that's how I feel and to clarify it was the ex wife Infront of my boyy and their children who openly said "I've tried to make them hate you, bit in the end they still want to see you". And after that happened his son has very happily seen my boyfriend on an almost daily basis

[marky00]

and to clarify it was the ex wife Infront of my boyy and their children who openly said "I've tried to make them hate you, bit in the end they still want to see you". And after that happened his son has very happily seen my boyfriend on an almost daily basis

 

Well I would take that line as a grain of salt. Because as I said before, if she told him directly like that, she's no longer being manipulative so the issue no longer exists.

 

She could have also been sarcastic, having a dig at him... who really knows. But no one would ever quote in verbatim an evil plot they had conjured up like that. Manipulative people manipulate by doing it in secret.

 

If anything, her comment could be perceived as a compliment towards your boyfriend. Almost like her saying "well even though I hate you, seems the kids still like you". From someone in her position, that could be a fairly honest assessment of her true feelings.

[niteandfog]

Well I would take that line as a grain of salt. Because as I said before, if she told him directly like that, she's no longer being manipulative so the issue no longer exists.

 

She could have also been sarcastic, having a dig at him... who really knows. But no one would ever quote in verbatim an evil plot they had conjured up like that. Manipulative people manipulate by doing it in secret.

 

If anything, her comment could be perceived as a compliment towards your boyfriend. Almost like her saying "well even though I hate you, seems the kids still like you". From someone in her position, that could be a fairly honest assessment of her true feelings.

 

I think you're right. In the end no matter what she said or didn't say/do the kids wanted to be with their dad.

 

On a completely different matter I'm meeting his mom this week and he's very happy about it

[misspalmy]

this happen to me he wanted a baby so did i. we have a 20mth old son. exmm see him every 2 weeks.

[pepperbird]

I'm not saying she's evil, I've just always said there was no need to drag the kids into this. That's all, but like I've said, the kids are making a mind of their own, so that's good. My ex didn't And it's not third hand information he said Infront of my boyfriend

 

 

you still don't get it.

she didn't create this. you two did.

 

 

 

you still make excuses for him and I know that's because you love him and that makes it really hard to see the negatives.

 

 

it's really too bad because he, without realizing it, is showing you his true colours. You are seeing who he really is, and it isn't very pretty.

[emilyj]

You are most definitely still the other woman. I suppose that will "stop" after he's divorced and you're the only woman, but right now he's married to one woman and sleeping with another. Sadly, you'll never be able to lose the "woman who destroyed a family" label even when you are the only woman.

 

I completely disagree. You stopped being the OW when he left BW.

 

I agree that the transition seems to be moving quite quickly and that could cause some harm if you aren't regularly talking about the emotions behind your mutual splits and all the upheaval.

 

As far as the "woman who destroyed a family" comment?

 

I think we are often given too much credit when others don't want to take credit themselves

[Tristian]

Did a little clean up as things got a little off course.

 

 

The topic here is When do you stop being the OW/OM those wishing to discuss who is more to blame in an affair can do so elsewhere.

[Prudence V]

I stopped being the OW when we decided we wanted to be together. From then on it was all just logistics until we could be together full-time, but we were very much a couple during that time and everyone knew we were the couple and then-xW-2B the “spare wheel”. He moved out with the kids as soon as he could and it was clear the M was over.

[marky00]

I stopped being the OW when we decided we wanted to be together.

 

If only relationships worked liked this.

[BaileyB]

I stopped being the OW when we decided we wanted to be together. From then on it was all just logistics.

 

It is interesting to note that many of the OW who have posted see it this way... While most others, both BS and others who do not have a history of infidelity, see things a little differently.

 

To many others, she will always, in some way, be seen as "the other woman..." This kind of thing may eventually be forgiven, but is not easily forgotten...

[Striver]

It is interesting to note that many of the OW who have posted see it this way... While most others, both BS and others who do not have a history of infidelity, see things a little differently.

 

To many others, she will always, in some way, be seen as "the other woman..." This kind of thing may eventually be forgiven, but is not easily forgotten...

 

From what I have seen on here, OW that marry the AP are near constant in their declaration of how awful the BW is and how much better they are. It comes up in virtually every post.

[BurnedAndLost]

From what I have seen on here, OW that marry the AP are near constant in their declaration of how awful the BW is and how much better they are. It comes up in virtually every post.

I think that's because the OW that post here typically are insecure about their situation and or like the drama.

[BaileyB]

From what I have seen on here, OW that marry the AP are near constant in their declaration of how awful the BW is and how much better they are. It comes up in virtually every post.

 

Indeed. Thus the justification - "she denied him sex" or "she treated him badly." And, if he does leave his wife to be with the other woman, the need to legitimize the relationship quickly...

[jenkins95]

Indeed. Thus the justification - "she denied him sex" or "she treated him badly." And, if he does leave his wife to be with the other woman, the need to legitimize the relationship quickly...

 

Yes, then much later, often years, when the drama has died down, the relationship is not quite as perfect as it first seemed, the long-term damage done to others (such as children) has become apparent and all parties have had a lot of time to reflect, the other person/new spouse will often accept more responsibility and be able to see through their own initial excuses. I frequently see them express regret at how deeply people were hurt in the relentless pursuit of "happiness" and they will usually, at the very least concede that "I wish we'd done things differently".

 

I am seeing this with a friend of my wife's now who hastily left her family of a MM two years ago. She claimed her marriage was "dead anyway" back then, and yet now she is begging to come back. Trouble is, the exH has moved on and at least one of her children no longer speaks to her. It is very sad to see. Turns out the MM created a new vacancy when she became his new wife - a vacancy that was quickly filled.

[pepperbird]

It is interesting to note that many of the OW who have posted see it this way... While most others, both BS and others who do not have a history of infidelity, see things a little differently.

 

To many others, she will always, in some way, be seen as "the other woman..." This kind of thing may eventually be forgiven, but is not easily forgotten...

 

 

Just my opinion, but I couldn't trust a relationship, or the person I was with, if it took all these mental gymnastics to make it legitimate in my own mind.

 

"It's complicated" is usually code word for " I'm doing something I know is wrong,but I need to rationalize it".

[somanymistakes]

Just my opinion, but I couldn't trust a relationship, or the person I was with, if it took all these mental gymnastics to make it legitimate in my own mind.

 

Did you reply to the wrong post? The bit you're replying to was saying that OWs are not doing "all these mental gymnastics" but instead being quite sure that their relationship is now legitimate once the MM has left his wife.

 

"It's complicated" is usually code word for " I'm doing something I know is wrong,but I need to rationalize it".

 

Complicated just means that it's hard to explain. Sure, sometimes that can be because you don't want to explain part of it because you feel guilty and you know it makes you sound bad. Sometimes it's because it's just complicated and can't be summed up quickly.

[BaileyB]

Did you reply to the wrong post? The bit you're replying to was saying that OWs are not doing "all these mental gymnastics" but instead being quite sure that their relationship is now legitimate once the MM has left his wife.

 

That's not exactly what I was saying, if it was my post to which you are referring...

 

I agree with Pepperbird. What I said was, many OW are quick to claim their relationship is "legitimate." But, why is that? Is it not a bit of mental gymnastics or perhaps a better word - spin. And, is it not seen by many as an ill-disguised attempt to convince the world that there is nothing "wrong" and the relationship is now legitimate?

 

And yes, I also agree with you pepperbird that sometimes "complicated" means "I know this is wrong but I'm going to do it and try to rationalize it anyway..." Words are often used to portray a subtle meaning... Just like at work when we say that an individual or a situation is really "interesting..." It's often not "interesting" in a positive way... It means - there is more of a story there...

Edited September 4, 2018 by BaileyB