When do you stop being the OW/OM?

[niteandfog]

Well I must say that I think I might to wait for 5 years until he finally gets that divorce :/. Last night they had a massive fight and it turns out she still loves him and is going to make our lives miserable as I took away her happiness and they could have been happy loving together even if he didn't love her.

[somanymistakes]

Yeah. It's almost never neat and tidy. People often say that they'd want to handle a break with dignity, or that if they found out they were being cheated on they'd just leave immediately, but in practice not so much.

 

Well, in another year she might get tired of it, you never know.

[niteandfog]

Yeah I'm not extremely hopeful at all. I think she's trying to get tired of the situation and just give in. At least we're moving out of town so we won't have to bump into each other anymore

[BTDT2012]

Yeah I'm not extremely hopeful at all. I think she's trying to get tired of the situation and just give in. At least we're moving out of town so we won't have to bump into each other anymore

What impact will that have on visitation with his children?

[BaileyB]

What impact will that have on visitation with his children?

 

And your child, assuming your child's father lives in the same town...

[niteandfog]

Well for him it means that he won't be able to drop everything that easily to help putting his kids to bed if they're being a pain. For me it just means a longer commute. We're just moving 30mins away rather than down the road.

[marky00]

As far as "nothing will ever change how the relationship started" - this is true, but plenty of angry exes demonise a partner's new wife as "the other woman who stole him from me!!!!" even if they didn't even meet until after the divorce. Some people will judge you forever no matter what.

 

That wasn't the point being made. It's to do with the fact that this man can never love her wholeheartedly because that's just the way it is. The relationship only got to this level because of all the drama going on regarding his potential divorce.

 

If one of the participants of a relationship entered it as an unhealthy individual, then it formed for the wrong reasons and will thus never work long-term.

 

Nothing to do with judging anyone here.

[niteandfog]

That wasn't the point being made. It's to do with the fact that this man can never love her wholeheartedly because that's just the way it is. The relationship only got to this level because of all the drama going on regarding his potential divorce .

 

He can't love me wholeheartedly? I've never mentioned / complained about that .... I've never doubted he loved me , he's demonstrated he actually does.

 

The drama is because his ex has put her own pain before anything else. Children did not have to be dragged into all of this. Yes, children can know the truth (my daughter knows for example) but she's never been dragged into any of the drama and has adjusted extremely well (not just being said by me but also her teacher / school psychologist.

 

When will his custody be arranged? Who knows ! even after what looked like it was back to square one a couple of days ago, yesterday things got resolved and it didn't cause any major consequences. The issue is the ex being vindictive thinking that it's all fine as it's just playing even and the price to pay for having an affair. I get her pain I really do, but there has been no good reason to do what she's done to the children, as simple as that.

[BurnedAndLost]

He can't love me wholeheartedly? I've never mentioned / complained about that .... I've never doubted he loved me , he's demonstrated he actually does.

 

The drama is because his ex has put her own pain before anything else. Children did not have to be dragged into all of this. Yes, children can know the truth (my daughter knows for example) but she's never been dragged into any of the drama and has adjusted extremely well (not just being said by me but also her teacher / school psychologist.

 

When will his custody be arranged? Who knows ! even after what looked like it was back to square one a couple of days ago, yesterday things got resolved and it didn't cause any major consequences. The issue is the ex being vindictive thinking that it's all fine as it's just playing even and the price to pay for having an affair. I get her pain I really do, but there has been no good reason to do what she's done to the children, as simple as that.

 

Please. I highly doubt this is about the children. You wanted her to quietly slip away so you could live out your fantasy. Stop thinking she owes it to you to make this transition easy for you.

Edited August 12, 2018 by BurnedAndLost

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I get her pain I really do.

 

I doubt it.

[Starswillshine]

"Wont be as easy to help put the kids to bed...."

 

You forget he has a responsibility to these children, too. My WH moved 45 mins away. And now I'm a single mom trying to go back to school and managing every bit of their schedule and he is ZERO help. And it is awful. And you know what? I shouldn't be put in this situation. I'm sure she feels the same. She is the one who pays the price along with her children for your (him and yours) selfishness. While you two break up this family and have a happily ever after. Her life breaks apart... and even worse, her teammate in this parenting role is moving away? Its pretty crappy. And again, selfish. But I guess there isnt much more to expect from people who have an affair.

[sandylee1]

*Nite*

It might have been said already, but a divorce afy we 2 years in the UK, IS ONLY possible if both parties agree.

 

If she refused...and she might just to make it hard, then he has to wait 5 YEARS to divorce without consent.

[niteandfog]

*Sandy* yes we're very aware of it, so we hope she finds someone else who she wants to marry before that time.

 

And yes the kids are BOTH their responsibility just like my daughter is with my ex. BUT unless it's something major we never call each other to help us parent when it's one of our days . I've never asked him to come because she won't eat her dinner.. I just deal with it. That's the life of being a divorced/separated parent which I get is not what she would have chosen and why she's struggling with it.

[BaileyB]

*Sandy* yes we're very aware of it, so we hope she finds someone else who she wants to marry before that time.

 

And yes the kids are BOTH their responsibility just like my daughter is with my ex. BUT unless it's something major we never call each other to help us parent when it's one of our days . I've never asked him to come because she won't eat her dinner.. I just deal with it. That's the life of being a divorced/separated parent which I get is not what she would have chosen and why she's struggling with it.

 

It sounds like it's going to be a long five years for you...

 

And, I don't think that helping when the child won't eat her dinner is what Starswillshine meant... I don't want to speak for her, but I can imagine that she was talking about having someone to go to the hospital with you when your child breaks her arm, or someone to pick up the kids when you are stuck at work, or someone to sit with at your child's first school concert, or someone to celebrate with when your child learns to ride a bike, or someone to help when you are sick and unable to care for the kids, or someone to stay up with late at night when your child is sick and you are worried, or someone to wrap Christmas gifts with late on Christmas Eve, or someone else to answer the questions when your child is crying inconsolably at bedtime because they don't understand why they haven't seen daddy for weeks...

 

Starswillshine, your post touched my heart. Best wishes to you and your children.

Edited August 13, 2018 by BaileyB

[niteandfog]

And he's tried to do that, but it turned out it was too hard to coparent for her. And surely we all want that, but also you want that someone next to you to actually love you. My. Ex and I do all of that together (apart from the Christmas bit as I'm Jewish and I'm actually glad I can give her a Jewish upbringing rather than a cultural Christian one). He's always pushed for a more even custody... But because he lives with me she's not happy about it.

[marky00]

He can't love me wholeheartedly? I've never mentioned / complained about that .... I've never doubted he loved me , he's demonstrated he actually does.

 

 

I was responding to another poster. And talking in general terms only, not your specific situation. But the same logic applies.

 

The way a relationship forms really does matter.

 

I also think you might be projecting somewhat regarding his wife. Just leave her out of it. Just focus on you and possibly him. She has nothing to do with what's going on between you two. I know you can't see that now but years later, when you look back, you will see that this is all about you and him (not her).

Edited August 13, 2018 by marky00

[niteandfog]

I was responding to another poster. And talking in general terms only, not your specific situation. But the same logic applies.

 

The way a relationship forms really does matter.

 

I also think you might be projecting somewhat regarding his wife. Just leave her out of it. Just focus on you and possibly him. She has nothing to do with what's going on between you two. I know you can't see that now but years later, when you look back, you will see that this is all about you and him (not her).

 

Apart from the divorce side of things she has no influence in our relationship. I knew he had baggage when we started "dating".

[Starswillshine]

It sounds like it's going to be a long five years for you...

 

And, I don't think that helping when the child won't eat her dinner is what Starswillshine meant... I don't want to speak for her, but I can imagine that she was talking about having someone to go to the hospital with you when your child breaks her arm, or someone to pick up the kids when you are stuck at work, or someone to sit with at your child's first school concert, or someone to celebrate with when your child learns to ride a bike, or someone to help when you are sick and unable to care for the kids, or someone to stay up with late at night when your child is sick and you are worried, or someone to wrap Christmas gifts with late on Christmas Eve, or someone else to answer the questions when your child is crying inconsolably at bedtime because they don't understand why they haven't seen daddy for weeks...

 

Starswillshine, your post touched my heart. Best wishes to you and your children.

 

Thank you! It is those things. And others.

 

I'm assuming she is working. He wont be able to keep the kids outside of the weekends due to the children needing to be in school. So he provides ZERO help.

 

In my case, my kids are in school, and I'm going back to school full time to get my degree after spending 19 years as a SAHM. We have 4 kids total, 2 under 10. My WH moved 45 minutes away. He provides absolutely zero help in the evenings. My kids have activities, homework, etc. He comes in every other weekend and takes them on fun little road trips. Mom is the one cooking dinner in the middle of my own homework, cleaning their messes, taking them to practices, staying up until 1am for a project ... staying up until 1am helping THEM with their project. He helped me create these children... why shouldn't he get some of this responsiblity? He moved away so he could have exactly what he wanted, a part time family. I was happy. We were happy. That perfect family. I had a life, dreams, and goals. A vision for our family, he shattered that with his selfishness. Of course, he wants to stay married, but I couldnt live that lie any longer.

 

I could never date a man who didn't want to be super close (distance) with his children. What kind of responsible father is that? And OP seems proud that he wants to move away... so at least they dont have to see his ex? Oh, boo hoo...

[anika99]

Thank you! It is those things. And others.

 

I'm assuming she is working. He wont be able to keep the kids outside of the weekends due to the children needing to be in school. So he provides ZERO help.

 

In my case, my kids are in school, and I'm going back to school full time to get my degree after spending 19 years as a SAHM. We have 4 kids total, 2 under 10. My WH moved 45 minutes away. He provides absolutely zero help in the evenings. My kids have activities, homework, etc. He comes in every other weekend and takes them on fun little road trips. Mom is the one cooking dinner in the middle of my own homework, cleaning their messes, taking them to practices, staying up until 1am for a project ... staying up until 1am helping THEM with their project. He helped me create these children... why shouldn't he get some of this responsiblity? He moved away so he could have exactly what he wanted, a part time family. I was happy. We were happy. That perfect family. I had a life, dreams, and goals. A vision for our family, he shattered that with his selfishness. Of course, he wants to stay married, but I couldnt live that lie any longer.

 

I could never date a man who didn't want to be super close (distance) with his children. What kind of responsible father is that? And OP seems proud that he wants to move away... so at least they dont have to see his ex? Oh, boo hoo...

 

I think that nite does not share this perspective of parenting. As I recall she has given her ex the majority of parenting time. Her daughter lives with her ex husband and nite gets her 2 days a week and nite is also moving out of town further away from her child. Since nite is fine with this arrangement for her own daughter she certainly isn't going to be empathetic regarding her MM leaving his children to live in another town.

 

OP I think you are making a mistake but you won't understand that until many years down the road. You and the MM have both treated your children as collateral damage and put the well being of your children behind your own desires. You have left home and moved in with your MM almost immediately and now you are leaving town. Not saying you should have stayed married but there is a right way to leave and that involves not forcing a new love interest onto the children for at least a couple of years and staying nearby and always accessible. Going above and beyond in letting your children know that you will be there whenever they need you and that they are still your priority.

 

Now usually when someone implores a poster to think of their children the respond is something along the lines of "my child is fine. They are happy and have no problems with what I'm doing" I think some parents really believe this because they are seeing no signs of distress at that moment. The thing is that most kids are resilient and tend to roll with the punches. They have a powerful survival instinct that takes over and gets them through hard times. It can take several years for childhood pain to show up in behaviour. I myself was a neglected child who felt rejected by my mother but until I was a teenager nobody would have guessed the deep sadness and feelings of unworthiness I carried inside me. I was the most well behaved and seemingly well adjusted child you could ever meet. It wasn't until I reached about the age of 14 that these horrible feelings started to manifest in my behaviour. By that time my mom had changed and become a better parent so she was bewildered but she didn't understand that I had already been damaged.

 

My mother feels a great deal of remorse for how carelessly she treated me as a child. I have forgiven her but she finds it hard to forgive herself. I think you probably love your daughter and want the best for her so there will likely come a day when you will regret choosing this man over her. You don't get that now because you are still very young and don't realize that this will all look very different to you 15 yrs later

[BaileyB]

Perhaps I'm wrong and please clarify OP, but it is my understanding that you share custody with your ex-husband - is it 50/50? It is your new boyfriend who has had his children two days a week, but only for the last two weeks.

 

I will further what anika said and suggest that it's easy to think "the children are doing well, they are handing things just fine..." OP's daughter is a young child, too young to truly understand what has happened. If she has stability at school, and if both parents are working to help her to settle into a new routine of living separately with both parents... she may well be adjusting well but that doesn't mean that it won't affect her, or your relationship, in the future.

 

Am I wrong in saying that his children are older, and much more aware of what has happened and how it has broken apart their family changed their life? As such, they have had a much different response than your daughter - which is to be expected with their ages and sadly... as you say, probably influenced by their mother who is having a difficult time with it all.

 

OP, I hope that you don't ever come to understand what it is to be raising children on your own, your husband having walked away from your marriage, your children, and your family... I don't think you can even begin to comprehend the pain that is felt by the woman who thought she had created a beautiful family with the man she loved, only to be left to raise the children on her own, while their father moves away to start a new relationship and gets to be "fun dad" on the weekends when he has the children.

 

Sadly, I don't know that you have chosen a good man, someone who will stand by you and your children. He certainly hasn't demonstrated these values in his first marriage. So, I have a feeling that you may come to understand exactly what his ex-wife is feeling, what Starswillshine is describing in her posts. What goes around may just come around for you someday... And only then, will you truly understand how increadibly naive you have been through this all...

[BaileyB]

I went back to read some previous posts and you were correct Anika. My apology.

 

In a previous post, nite has clearly written that "her daughter (because of work) mostly lives with her dad."

 

I couldn't help but notice another post where nite discussed the fact that this isn't his first affair... He cheated on his wife 15 months into the marriage, but nite knew it was "completely irrelevant" because they had been together for 9-10 years...

 

So, it makes me even more certain that you will someday experience some of what his wife is currently feeling. Time will tell.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/658555-does-betrayed-spouse-ever-forgive-ow

[Starswillshine]

I went back to read some previous posts and you were correct Anika. My apology.

 

In a previous post, nite has clearly written that "her daughter (because of work) mostly lives with her dad."

 

I couldn't help but notice another post where nite discussed the fact that this isn't his first affair... He cheated on his wife 15 months into the marriage, but nite knew it was "completely irrelevant" because they had been together for 9-10 years...

 

So, it makes me even more certain that you will someday experience some of what his wife is currently feeling. Time will tell.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/658555-does-betrayed-spouse-ever-forgive-ow

 

That makes me sad. The poor children involved in this.

 

I see my WH making a move on another woman. Who, unfortunately, was a BS herself. And she cant even see what is coming towards her. I wish it would be taken well to warn her, but I know it never will. She is looking at him with admiration because he is the "remorseful" man that she wishes her ex WH was. Except it is all an act. Playing the victim. It breaks me heart that another woman will fall for it and hurt just the same. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I just have to sit back and watch it happen.

[niteandfog]

But he actually wants shared custody, only that with how things are at the moment it's not the most straightforward thing to get. We want all of our kids to eventually spend at least 3 nights in our place. My daughter already does that and I share all of that with my ex. He's also actually moving closer to his workplace, and it's within the same county... Where I'm originally from my commute to school was at least 30-35 mind so I still don't see how this is a big deal.

 

His ex also doesn't want to bump into me at any cost, so we're thinking about that too.

 

He never wanted to stop being a father he just didn't want to stay with their mother. He had felt that way for years, having me in his life gave him the push to do it in a similar way to me. Let's not forget he had been crushing on me for at least three years (if not longer) before he actually got married.

 

I know she didn't ask for any of this, just like my ex didn't. I'm not proud of how things went, but I'll never regret meeting him.

[BurnedAndLost]

But he actually wants shared custody, only that with how things are at the moment it's not the most straightforward thing to get. We want all of our kids to eventually spend at least 3 nights in our place. My daughter already does that and I share all of that with my ex. He's also actually moving closer to his workplace, and it's within the same county... Where I'm originally from my commute to school was at least 30-35 mind so I still don't see how this is a big deal.

 

His ex also doesn't want to bump into me at any cost, so we're thinking about that too.

 

He never wanted to stop being a father he just didn't want to stay with their mother. He had felt that way for years, having me in his life gave him the push to do it in a similar way to me. Let's not forget he had been crushing on me for at least three years (if not longer) before he actually got married.

 

I know she didn't ask for any of this, just like my ex didn't. I'm not proud of how things went, but I'll never regret meeting him.

You have zero empathy and it's actually kind of sickening. You clearly don't understand what anyone here is trying to tell you.

[niteandfog]

You have zero empathy and it's actually kind of sickening. You clearly don't understand what anyone here is trying to tell you.

 

Maybe you're right, although I do think I have empathy as I've known/heard being cheated on is one of the biggest pains you can ever feel. What I have zero empathy for is for making her children hate their dad (which she has now openly admitted to). There was absolutely no need for that and she keeps doing it, and nobody knows when that cycle will ever end.