Should I befriend her in order to get back together? ***Updated***

[ThreeRainbows]

I'm just going to be devil's advocate to the majority of posters here.

 

 

Keep doing what you're doing. Go slow. It is possible she might come around. Recently read of a guy who did something like this, and slowly won his ex back.

 

 

It can work, it doesn't usually, but, it can. Just accept that the pace is hers, and never pressure her. If she says no, back off and give her some space before resuming the friendship.

 

 

Eventually, you will most likely have to talk about the relationship idea again, and may even have to walk away (with no judgement or pressure on her). That is how the other guy won his ex back.

 

 

It's your risk to take. Don't let others tell you what to do - follow your heart, and good luck!

[ericw899]

I'm just going to be devil's advocate to the majority of posters here.

 

 

Keep doing what you're doing. Go slow. It is possible she might come around. Recently read of a guy who did something like this, and slowly won his ex back.

 

 

It can work, it doesn't usually, but, it can. Just accept that the pace is hers, and never pressure her. If she says no, back off and give her some space before resuming the friendship.

 

 

Eventually, you will most likely have to talk about the relationship idea again, and may even have to walk away (with no judgement or pressure on her). That is how the other guy won his ex back.

 

 

It's your risk to take. Don't let others tell you what to do - follow your heart, and good luck!

 

Thank you, I really appreciate that. Last night she agreed to see me this weekend as long as her work schedule allows and has been quite flirty with me here and there. She does however ignore me for periods of time but I try to be patient and let her come to me.

[ericw899]

So my ex and I had planned to see each other for the first time in months this past Saturday. We made plans Thursday and she seemed very excited and was being very flirty and even hinted at sexual play.

 

It turns out she had to work late Saturday which I understood and we made plans for tonight instead. She called me late Saturday night hysterical crying because of a flash back she had of a life changing moment in her life and I comforted her and we moved on.

 

Fast forward to last night, I face-timed her to firm up our plans and everything was going great. She agreed to see me, we agreed on a time and it was all set. All of a sudden I indicated being slightly intimate and that I still have feelings for her and she lost it. She became very aggressive and confrontational and then began to breakdown in tears.

 

I finally reached out today to find out what happened, and she apologized multiple times saying how she had a bad day and should have never took it out on me. She told me she wore my hoodie that I gave her to bed and she cried herself to sleep. Then she said she is too in love with me still to see me, and while she wants to, she needs more time.

 

So my question is, what on earth happened to cause her to act that way, and where do you think she stands with me?

[Melrose78]

I understand what you are saying, but let me defend myself a bit. First off the reason I'm not moving on yet is because I don't believe her when she says she doesn't want me back. She has no idea what she wants in life and is very immature in that sense. In the past month she has went from crying saying she misses me, to saying she is taking a month off from talking to guys, to hooking up with a drug dealer, and now being my friend again. She does all the initiating when talking and always tells me personal intimate things. I truly believe she is afraid to fall for me again, but us hanging out and her seeing the new me will change that.

 

On top of that, if we do agree to be friends, I would feel the situation out and never make her uncomfortable. If I can tell she doesn't have any feelings for me or interest in that way, then I will respect it and move on, but we need to go out in person to see where we stand.

 

I'm sorry but it sounds like ur both extremely immature. U need to close the door snd keep walking!

U also need to either stay single n develop a self worth or go speak to a professional. I fearthis will become or is a pattern with u and u need to get an understanding of why u act n react like this. If u don't iu willvalways struggle to find a healthy relationship!

[ExpatInItaly]

I finally reached out today to find out what happened, and she apologized multiple times saying how she had a bad day and should have never took it out on me. She told me she wore my hoodie that I gave her to bed and she cried herself to sleep. Then she said she is too in love with me still to see me, and while she wants to, she needs more time.

 

Wow, that's a new one. I love you so much I can't see you? Please. The girl is full of horse manure.

 

OP, as I have been telling you all along, this girl is ridiculously immature and does not take you seriously. She does not love you. Who knows why she behaves the way she does, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that she is not coming back and you need to stop falling for her BS.

 

Stop being her doormat. Man up, and take yourself out of this game. She is not going to be your girlfriend again.

[Zahara]

 

So my question is, what on earth happened to cause her to act that way, and where do you think she stands with me?

 

She sounds like the kind that doesn't want to be with you but she enjoys the attention she gets from you.

 

The moment you get emotional she cuts it off. Then she ropes you back in. She wants you on her terms and unfortunately, it's not the terms you hope for.

 

She sounds like she's full of nonsense.

 

I read your past thread. With someone like her, she's only going to exacerbate your insecurities. If anything, this will play out the same way over and over again.

[Normm]

You need to learn to play it cool with this girl when you interact with her if there's any chance of keeping this thing going. Somewhat aloof and detached and under no circumstances do you show even a shred of emotion or neediness. She's not in the mental place where she can handle it right now.

[Malin889]

 

OP when you appear weak in the eyes of a woman it cannot be reversed ever.

 

 

I've never heard this one before. I don't agree with it. I think you can be vulnerable in front of a woman easily; its what makes people human.

 

But in this case, I do believe you need to ask out other women and stop putting so much emphasis on this one person.

[ericw899]

My ex and I had planned to see each other this weekend. Earlier this week she became very close to me and initiated her desire to see me in an intimate way. We had plans to go out tonight for a bite to eat and to a hotel and spend the night.

 

However this morning she began to back out by saying she doesn't know how she feels about the hotel, and I said I understand then lets just get dinner. She then said I don't know and said she just can't do it. I told her how I felt she was playing games and she blamed her anxiety and extreme anxiousness. I then told her I can't play her games anymore and I blocked her on snapchat & said to only message me if she is ready to meetup, that's it.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to block her for good. She is playing you like a fiddle.

[Malin889]

You shouldn’t have even said “only call me if you want to meet up.” You should have just said, “please don’t call me again” or just ignored and blocked her.

[ericw899]

You need to block her for good. She is playing you like a fiddle.

 

It just doesn't feel like she is playing me & even said she isn't. She says she has really bad anxiety (which is true) and the thought of seeing me makes her sick and too anxious. I know it sounds like an excuse but I know she isn't a bad person and isn't just stringing me along to laugh at my face.

[marky00]

It just doesn't feel like she is playing me & even said she isn't. She says she has really bad anxiety (which is true) and the thought of seeing me makes her sick and too anxious. I know it sounds like an excuse but I know she isn't a bad person and isn't just stringing me along to laugh at my face.

 

It's happening at a sub-conscious level for her. Outwardly, she might be "trying" but at the sub-conscious level, she isn't interested in a relationship.

 

And from my experience, its the sub-conscious that always wins. You need to judge her actions, not her words. Because actions are a by-product of the sub-conscious.

 

It really sucks when this happens but that is the way I see it.

[ericw899]

It's happening at a sub-conscious level for her. Outwardly, she might be "trying" but at the sub-conscious level, she isn't interested in a relationship.

 

And from my experience, its the sub-conscious that always wins. You need to judge her actions, not her words. Because actions are a by-product of the sub-conscious.

 

It really sucks when this happens but that is the way I see it.

 

Interesting take. I guess I just don't understand how she can be firming up our plans for what to bring to the hotel, then the following morning freak out and say you can't do it or see me. She did mention she's afraid because what happened last time

[ExpatInItaly]

Interesting take. I guess I just don't understand how she can be firming up our plans for what to bring to the hotel, then the following morning freak out and say you can't do it or see me. She did mention she's afraid because what happened last time

 

Because she made plans with another guy. I would put money on that.

[ericw899]

Because she made plans with another guy. I would put money on that.

 

I honestly don't think so. She has always been very honest with me and I don't think she would have the heart to do that.

 

I really don't know what to do, it's only been a day and I'm lost without her. I need to see her again even just for closure, but I don't know how to go about it. Not to mention she keeps saying how much she wants to see me and that she loves me, she just can't.

[Blanco]

You are both wildly co-dependent. That is not love.

[ericw899]

You are both wildly co-dependent. That is not love.

 

I know we are. That's why I can't function without her.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know we are. That's why I can't function without her.

 

What do you intend to do when she gets a boyfriend?

[ericw899]

What do you intend to do when she gets a boyfriend?

 

Well she already had one bf a month ago for 5 days & I just backed off. I honestly don’t believe she is capable of having real relationship with anyone & even though I want her back I understand that. Now it’s more about seeing her again & getting closure.

[Blanco]

Closure doesn't come from final meet-ups or the other person. It comes from within.

[ericw899]

Closure doesn't come from final meet-ups or the other person. It comes from within.

 

I just can't help but think seeing her again will change things. She literally agreed to sleep at a hotel with me a couple days ago. She obviously still has feelings.

[Blanco]

I just can't help but think seeing her again will change things. She literally agreed to sleep at a hotel with me a couple days ago. She obviously still has feelings.

 

Every person who's been dumped has thought, at one point, that if they can just have one more talk with their dumper, they can change the dumper's mind. It doesn't work like that. This isn't negotiating terms for a new car.

 

You're entitled to believe what you want to, but I'm telling you from experience that you are only deluding yourself. She barely sounds like she knows what she wants; it's unlikely you know better than her what she wants.

[ericw899]

Every person who's been dumped has thought, at one point, that if they can just have one more talk with their dumper, they can change the dumper's mind. It doesn't work like that. This isn't negotiating terms for a new car.

 

You're entitled to believe what you want to, but I'm telling you from experience that you are only deluding yourself. She barely sounds like she knows what she wants; it's unlikely you know better than her what she wants.

 

Yeah I do agree that she doesn't know what she wants. I hope by standing up for myself, she will maybe gain some respect for me and re-evaluate how she has treated me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just can't help but think seeing her again will change things. She literally agreed to sleep at a hotel with me a couple days ago. She obviously still has feelings.

 

And then she flaked.

 

This is going to continue until she starts dating someone again and leaves you in the dust. If she actually respected you, she would stop treating you as her Plan B.. But she sees you don't respect yourself either, so why should she?