OatsAndHall Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I don't see how it's "creepy" we used to be so happy and in love, how does she expect no lingering feelings? Who is to say being with me won't bring back her old feelings? The last time we went out, we wound up making out & hooking up. At the end of the night we kissed and she said we felt like a couple. Who's to say that magic is gone? Doesn't time apart make the heart grow fonder? It's creepy because you're "befriending" her with an ulterior motive that has nothing to do with friendship. If she chooses to be your friend, it's because she wants a platonic friendship, not an ex hanging around and biding his time. It's borderline stalking behavior. If she wanted to be with you, then she'd be with you. It's that simple. And, again, your orbiting presence is going to make her future relationships more difficult. She might not see what you're doing but I can guarantee you any guy she dates will have you pegged from the get-go. And, I can tell you from experience, they will not be happy. Again, move on and leave her alone. If she decides she wants to be with you down the road, then she'll contact you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ericw899 Posted July 25, 2018 Author Share Posted July 25, 2018 It's creepy because you're "befriending" her with an ulterior motive that has nothing to do with friendship. If she chooses to be your friend, it's because she wants a platonic friendship, not an ex hanging around and biding his time. It's borderline stalking behavior. If she wanted to be with you, then she'd be with you. It's that simple. And, again, your orbiting presence is going to make her future relationships more difficult. She might not see what you're doing but I can guarantee you any guy she dates will have you pegged from the get-go. And, I can tell you from experience, they will not be happy. Again, move on and leave her alone. If she decides she wants to be with you down the road, then she'll contact you. How do I move on from my the only girlfriend I ever had, especially when I have hardly any friends? I'm starting to question if I even want a relationship with her or if I just enjoy her attention and company. Hearing about her daily activities and giving her emotional support gives me meaning in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 How do I move on from my the only girlfriend I ever had, especially when I have hardly any friends? I'm starting to question if I even want a relationship with her or if I just enjoy her attention and company. Hearing about her daily activities and giving her emotional support gives me meaning in life. If you like being her emotional tampon, have at it. She won't respect you for that. She'll be banging some other guy while dumping all of her problems on you. That sounds absolutely dreadful to me. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 You need to cut yourself off from her if you want to move on. That's the only way. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 Hearing about her daily activities and giving her emotional support gives me meaning in life. Get another o̶b̶s̶e̶s̶s̶i̶o̶n̶ hobby. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 How do I move on from my the only girlfriend I ever had, especially when I have hardly any friends? I'm starting to question if I even want a relationship with her or if I just enjoy her attention and company. Hearing about her daily activities and giving her emotional support gives me meaning in life. You work on making friends and expanding your own life. You do what you need to do to develop a social circle and interests. She isn't going to stick around, man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ericw899 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 So I posted a couple days ago about wanting to befriend my ex in order to get her back, but I have begun to realize that I am actually enjoying our friendship. For those who don't know, we dated two months from Feb-April, hooked up in mid May and had an argument late May which I'm still trying to come back from. As recent as last month she told me she wasn't over me but recently she reaffirmed that she didn't want to get back together with me. Anyways, I have noticed that in the last couple days, we have had very short but good platonic conversations that quite honestly I'm enjoying. I am seeing a different side of her by not focusing on constant sexual/romantic feelings, and I feel like I'm more focused on her rather than getting her back. We have talked about seeing each other for the first time since May rather soon, and I am anxious to see how I feel in person. I suppose what I am getting at is whether or not it is normal to enjoy being friends with someone you were dying to get back with a week ago and how being friends with her is actually helping me move on from her romantically? Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 Here is a test to see whether you think you can be platonic friends with your ex. Imagine her talking to you about an amazing new guy she is dating or seeing her with another guy all over each other. If you can deal with that without getting upset or overly jealous, then friendship is an option. If you know that is going to be an issue then friendship is probably a bad idea. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 Here is a test to see whether you think you can be platonic friends with your ex. Imagine her talking to you about an amazing new guy she is dating or seeing her with another guy all over each other. If you can deal with that without getting upset or overly jealous, then friendship is an option. If you know that is going to be an issue then friendship is probably a bad idea. ...or how he is the best sex she’s ever had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ericw899 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Share Posted July 26, 2018 ...or how he is the best sex she’s ever had. Well we've never had sex... Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 Well we've never had sex... Ok so just imagine her making out with some other guy, and telling you about how she feels about her relationship with her new boyfriend, and confides in you as her friend, because hey that's what friends are for. How about you just quit this nonsense about being fine with "just a friendship" because you're not. Half a loaf is not better than none, especially when some other guy is eating his half and you don't even get a taste. Or something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 It's an illusion ... what you're going through. As you as you hang more, you'll like her more ... as soon as you like her more ... you'll want her back ... she won't want you ... back to zero. You hang more, you'll open up more ... she'll open up more ... if it all goes well, you will feel good ... and bang ... want more ... she says no ... back to zero. No, it won't work. You'll have a few days here or there that aren't terrible. But as soon as she dates or talks about a date (or blatantly avoids talking about a date), you'll be back to zero. As soon as you have a deep and meaningful conversation with her ... you'll be back to the pain of missing her. That's the catch with an ex ... the more you enjoy them, the more you'll want to be with them ... and that ain't happening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ericw899 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Share Posted July 27, 2018 It's an illusion ... what you're going through. As you as you hang more, you'll like her more ... as soon as you like her more ... you'll want her back ... she won't want you ... back to zero. You hang more, you'll open up more ... she'll open up more ... if it all goes well, you will feel good ... and bang ... want more ... she says no ... back to zero. No, it won't work. You'll have a few days here or there that aren't terrible. But as soon as she dates or talks about a date (or blatantly avoids talking about a date), you'll be back to zero. As soon as you have a deep and meaningful conversation with her ... you'll be back to the pain of missing her. That's the catch with an ex ... the more you enjoy them, the more you'll want to be with them ... and that ain't happening. It's weird though because our conversations are so genuine, much better than I have with any friend. Honesty she has told me about the guys she has been with since our breakup, and while I didn't like it, I made it through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 It's weird though because our conversations are so genuine, much better than I have with any friend. Honesty she has told me about the guys she has been with since our breakup, and while I didn't like it, I made it through it. I think you're in shock. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Here is a test to see whether you think you can be platonic friends with your ex. Imagine her talking to you about an amazing new guy she is dating or seeing her with another guy all over each other. If you can deal with that without getting upset or overly jealous, then friendship is an option. If you know that is going to be an issue then friendship is probably a bad idea. Totally agree with this. This actually happened to me today as well. I caught up with my ex this morning, and she divulged in some detail some of the dates she'd been on. Despite the fact the breakup was about 6 weeks ago, I didn't feel any pain or sadness, I was really happy about the fact she's getting out there and having some fun. Not to mention we could joke about it. To be fair, I was checked out of the relationship a long time before I initiated the breakup, so it was a lot easier for me to get to that stage. I was just surprised that she also got to that point so quickly. We could have talked for hours, and I still care about her like I would a close friend despite not being interested in her. To answer your question OP, it's certainly not "normal" but it does happen, and this has worked well for some of my friends. If you can honestly say to yourself that there is no (well, minimal) attraction there but you enjoy their company, and your ex can say exactly the same thing, then there is absolutely no reason why you can't be friends with your ex. It's just that in practice, there is usually one person who is still in pain and/or wants the other person back, which just causes more pain on both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Snowboy, You initiated the breakup and wanted out and had already checked out--that's very different than being dumped. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ericw899 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Share Posted July 27, 2018 Totally agree with this. This actually happened to me today as well. I caught up with my ex this morning, and she divulged in some detail some of the dates she'd been on. Despite the fact the breakup was about 6 weeks ago, I didn't feel any pain or sadness, I was really happy about the fact she's getting out there and having some fun. Not to mention we could joke about it. To be fair, I was checked out of the relationship a long time before I initiated the breakup, so it was a lot easier for me to get to that stage. I was just surprised that she also got to that point so quickly. We could have talked for hours, and I still care about her like I would a close friend despite not being interested in her. To answer your question OP, it's certainly not "normal" but it does happen, and this has worked well for some of my friends. If you can honestly say to yourself that there is no (well, minimal) attraction there but you enjoy their company, and your ex can say exactly the same thing, then there is absolutely no reason why you can't be friends with your ex. It's just that in practice, there is usually one person who is still in pain and/or wants the other person back, which just causes more pain on both sides. That's an interesting take. Like I said I will need to see how I feel once I see her again in person. Right now it feels like I can happily be her friend as most of my feelings have dissipated. But if I see her again in person, they may all come rushing back, and it'll never work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ericw899 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Share Posted July 27, 2018 Snowboy, You initiated the breakup and wanted out and had already checked out--that's very different than being dumped. I completely agree with that as they are different scenarios. Link to post Share on other sites
Doost Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Guys and girls can’t be friends. You obviously are fooling yourself. Just wait till she uses you as an emotional tampon to complain about the jerks she is now dating. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Snowboy, You initiated the breakup and wanted out and had already checked out--that's very different than being dumped. True. But also note in my post that my ex (as the dumpee) feels the same way I do. You're right in saying it's different, but it's still possible. That's an interesting take. Like I said I will need to see how I feel once I see her again in person. Right now it feels like I can happily be her friend as most of my feelings have dissipated. But if I see her again in person, they may all come rushing back, and it'll never work. If you're brave enough to take that risk, and self-aware enough to know if the feelings are coming back, then there's no harm in giving it a shot. In other words, you're about to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 You cannot expect others to give your own life meaning. That is on you. People have their own lives to figure out and take care of. Well-adjusted people don't need or want the added burden of being responsible for another person's life having any meaning unless the other person is, like, their young child or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 I’ve always heard “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and there are times I’d give anything to have the man who cut me out of his life a year now because I didn’t want it to end but if he ever came back, I also hear myself saying “your action made it perfectly clear that you wanted a life without me in it, so go effing live it without me” Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Unfortunately, I think you're still in denial. This happens to a lot of dumpees who mistakenly believe that their ex agreeing to meet is a turning point (in terms of reconciliation) so they suddenly find themselves less anxious and riding a wave of relief that maybe this is a sign that the ex will come back. So, they start convincing themselves that friendship is great and they feel fine again - until the meeting happens (or doesn't) and they realize their ex still doesn't want to get back together and they're back to feeling sad and hurt again. It's often a false sense of security constructed from the notion that the dumper has maybe changed their mind. I say this because your thread just a few days ago indicates you are far from okay only friendship with her. And that's perfectly normal; you need to be honest with yourself about it, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 If is truly working for you, then carry on. Some of us are skeptical because we fear that you may be harboring feelings & think being her friend is the way to ingratiate yourself. It's not. If you & she are enjoying whatever you are doing, don't let a bunch of strangers on the internet stop you Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Some of us are skeptical because we fear that you may be harboring feelings Could be because less than 5 days ago he said this: (Truth is I would do anything to get her back) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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