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Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

Madd_hatter

By Madd_hatter
in Friends and Lovers

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Madd_hatter Established Member

Madd_hatter

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I picked up his cufflinks and I took them to him at church. He only said thank you, you’re a lifesaver.

 

That’s all.

 

I haven’t decided on going or not. In a way, I want to. Actually seeing it happen might be a reality check. But on the other hand, as someone else also said, I’m not anywhere near strong enough to get through it without crying. But.. people do cry at weddings so I could just chualk it up to that.

 

Someone else said that I’m building that date up way too much in my head and it’s most likely the fear of it that I’m dreading. I might buy that. I’ve already lost him... what’s a wedding going to change about it?

 

So maybe I will go.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I picked up his cufflinks and I took them to him at church. He only said thank you, you’re a lifesaver.

 

That’s all.

 

I haven’t decided on going or not. In a way, I want to. Actually seeing it happen might be a reality check. But on the other hand, as someone else also said, I’m not anywhere near strong enough to get through it without crying. But.. people do cry at weddings so I could just chualk it up to that.

 

Someone else said that I’m building that date up way too much in my head and it’s most likely the fear of it that I’m dreading. I might buy that. I’ve already lost him... what’s a wedding going to change about it?

 

So maybe I will go.

 

He's still a jerk for asking you to do this in the first place. Don't you agree?

 

I might have missed it....why is the wedding on a Wednesday?

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JuneL Established Member

JuneL

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He's still a jerk for asking you to do this in the first place. Don't you agree?

 

I might have missed it....why is the wedding on a Wednesday?

 

I think “jerk” is an understatement :mad:

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lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

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He's still a jerk for asking you to do this in the first place. Don't you agree?

 

I might have missed it....why is the wedding on a Wednesday?

 

OP mentioned it was rescheduled at the last minute in the light of severe weather concerns.

 

I think more than ever the cufflink thing was a dumb test. He believes you're more or less fine and he doesn't have to worry about you making a scene during the ceremony. Personally, I wouldn't go. There's no bonus prize for surviving self-inflicted emotional torment.

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Madd_hatter Established Member

Madd_hatter

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It was rescheduled because of the hurricane. Turned out we didn’t get hit that hard but who wants to risk that?

 

Also, it’s a late afternoon ceremony. Then an evening reception.

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JuneL Established Member

JuneL

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It was rescheduled because of the hurricane. Turned out we didn’t get hit that hard but who wants to risk that?

 

Also, it’s a late afternoon ceremony. Then an evening reception.

 

Have you come up with a no-show excuse? Would your parents be understanding?

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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He's just seeing if she's still wound up and going to rat him out, that's all. It's too late now, but she should have just said no. He just wants to get through this wedding, but really, he has no reason to get to be assured of anything. He's nervous, that's all. And he just made it worse because he gave her hope.

 

I agree with this. He is protecting his arse to make sure OP isn't going to break down and cry or flip out and give it away that something happened between them. OP I wouldn't go if I were you.

No_Go Established Member

No_Go

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Exactly, it will change NOTHING. Nothing. It's some dumb party that's all. He'd be the same jerk after...

 

Don't read too much in the cufflink story. He may have wanted to see you, or just doing it for convenience, but either way, nothing too meaningful.

 

Actually what you say is brilliant - if you go and by any chance cry, you can just say you got emotional from the ceremony. The whole thing is one big farce anyway, so live it up:) Just don't forget two things - your highest heels and your best dress ;)

 

I picked up his cufflinks and I took them to him at church. He only said thank you, you’re a lifesaver.

 

That’s all.

 

I haven’t decided on going or not. In a way, I want to. Actually seeing it happen might be a reality check. But on the other hand, as someone else also said, I’m not anywhere near strong enough to get through it without crying. But.. people do cry at weddings so I could just chualk it up to that.

 

Someone else said that I’m building that date up way too much in my head and it’s most likely the fear of it that I’m dreading. I might buy that. I’ve already lost him... what’s a wedding going to change about it?

 

So maybe I will go.

JuneL Established Member

JuneL

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Exactly, it will change NOTHING. Nothing. It's some dumb party that's all. He'd be the same jerk after...

 

Don't read too much in the cufflink story. He may have wanted to see you, or just doing it for convenience, but either way, nothing too meaningful.

 

Actually what you say is brilliant - if you go and by any chance cry, you can just say you got emotional from the ceremony. The whole thing is one big farce anyway, so live it up:) Just don't forget two things - your highest heels and your best dress ;)

 

I think most are not so dumb not be to able tell the difference: dropping a few tears because you’re touched by the wedding, vs. crying and shaking uncontrollably.

 

It’s extremely unfair to the bride to think of their wedding as a farce, especially since OP was a willing participant when the clown cheated.

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No_Go Established Member

No_Go

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I think most are not so dumb not be to able tell the difference: dropping a few tears because you’re touched by the wedding, vs. crying and shaking uncontrollably.

 

It’s extremely unfair to the bride to think of their wedding as a farce, especially since OP was a willing participant when the clown cheated.

 

Yeah, but it IS a farce - he took someone's virginity (OP's) on the verge of proposing :sick:. That's beyond cringeworthy... And the bride, if smart, is probably asking herself why she's getting married to a clown she knows since November (aka whooping 10 months)...

 

Regarding crying, people have concealed worse things... If it goes to serious crying, best way is to excuse herself and go to the bathroom ('to fix her makeup' if anyone is THAT rude to ask....)

Edited by No_Go
preraph Established Member

preraph

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Don't go both for yourself and for the bride. Believe me, she knows something is fishy. Just don't put yourself through that.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Don't know why this thread still carries on.

 

This whole situation is toxic. Love is giving and smooth. Not erratic and painful. All these crappy feelings have nothing to do with love. It's all infatuation and addiction and weakness based on selfishness. This guy doesn't care about you OP. He doesn't even care about his fiancee because if he did, he wouldn't have cheated on her. Now he's beginning his marriage on a foundation of lies and that poor woman is going suffer for everyone's weaknesses in this mess. It's the fiancee that's the real victim here. She doesn't even know what's really going on and she's going to marry the guy. Imagine how she'll feel when she finds out her marriage was a joke. She's going to look back at those wedding photos where she thought she had something amazing and feel like a fool. It'll break her and change her and she's going to spend a lot of years trying to get passed it. He has ruined her life and she doesn't even know it yet.

 

You know what's going on and you choose to turn a blind eye to it, pretending this guy is a prince when he is anything but.

 

You're going to burn yourself out, trying to put on appearances for all these people who don't care about you. Its going to be you and you alone who will have to climb up out of that deep dark hole which you will put yourself in and none of these people you try so hard for are going to be there for you..and that's going to be all on you. Your fault.

 

But maybe that's what you need. A hard lesson to slap you in the face and wake you up.

Edited by Beachead
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HiCrunchy Established Member

HiCrunchy

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Don't go to the wedding. Uncontrollable sobbing is way different than happy tears. I have done both, but guess which one was the most uncomfortably noticeable?

 

Stop trying to learn more information about him. Pretend like he doesn't exist (block and delete) and neither does his gf. As far as you are concerned those two people aren't a part of your world.

 

Let the church gossip. Gossipers will move on to the next hot topic eventually.

 

Protect yourself. Let him go. Wishing you the best op, this whole situation has been so rough.

LoverOfDance Established Member

LoverOfDance

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@Beachhead I honestly have never known anyone more oblivious to the truth. I mean, i'm not saying she needs to get over him today. She can take as long as she wants because these things take time. The fact that she is still wearing her rose coloured glasses and can't seem to see things as they truly are is what baffles me, smh.

 

And yes, i feel very bad for the fiancee. I wish someone would save her. Unfortunately, things like this happen pretty often. Pretty messed up world.

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bene Established Member

bene

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I have been in a somewhat similar situation in my twenties so I can sort of understand that a young relatively inexperienced woman can feel like you do. I don’t think that you are crazy or stupid but you have a very narrow tunnel vision in this situation. This is what other people see immediately and this is why everybody is telling you the same.

 

The fact is that in the course of ten years he has never attempted to date you or pursue a romantic relationship. Why do you think that is? It is a very long time and any obstacles or misunderstandings could have been overcome if he would have truly wanted it.

 

You are saying that he’s not “that kind of guy”. But the thing is, there is no special “kind” of people who treat you badly. Nobody is all good or all bad, he can very well be nice in some occasions but this doesn’t change the fact that he is not a decent man who is romantically into you. A decent man would make sure that his intentions are clear whether you are friends or lovers. All the murky stuff inbetween is toxic. Also, friendship is not some consolation prize or code name for no-strings-attached sex, actual friendship is a beautiful and honest thing. If you’re honest with yourself you don’t really want to be friends with him.

 

I think the motivation and outcome of his marriage is a totally moot point here, it does not concern you. He might break up with her in a year or live happily ever after surrounded by grandkids but none of it changes the fact that he’s not into you.

 

Most importantly, if you long for love and companionship and maybe family then you are doing yourself a huge disservice being mentally stuck on that guy. All the years spent obsessing about him are lost for finding a guy who would truly love you. Please consider this carefully because you don’t get these precious years back. And no, you will not be over him overnight but you need to start healing somewhere.

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Madd_hatter Established Member

Madd_hatter

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I ended up going to the wedding. Wanna hear something insane? I had a good time. I looked stunning if I do say so myself. People were complimenting the whole time. I did not cry once. I saw him there.. sooo happy. It made me heart smile to see him smiling, laughing, dancing like a fool..he was so happy and that made me feel happy.

 

I’m glad I went. I really did have a good time, but above all, I made peace with the fact that he’s happy with her and he is not and never has been mine.

 

It still hurts...the rejection. I’ll miss him like crazy, but I’ve never ever, in all the years I’ve known him, seen him so happy. There was no way to feel sad seeing him in such bliss. I’m genuinely happy for him.

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Madd_hatter Established Member

Madd_hatter

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He’s made mistakes, that’s for sure. But nothing will ever make me feel like he’s a bad guy or not a great catch. Nothing will ever make me feel like she’s on the losing side. She looked just as happy as he did.

 

They’ve both won. Won’t say I’m not envious of her..I am, but I have made peace with myself. I’m trying to clear my head and heart from him.

 

I’m ok for now. Hoping to keep this positive mindset going.

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LoverOfDance Established Member

LoverOfDance

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Lol, you still think he's a great catch? And you think she's lucky to have him? Lol.

 

Won't be posting any more on this thread. Good luck and good luck to anyone who tries to talk any more sense into you.

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JuneL Established Member

JuneL

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Lol, you still think he's a great catch? And you think she's lucky to have him? Lol.

 

Won't be posting any more on this thread. Good luck and good luck to anyone who tries to talk any more sense into you.

 

I understand why she attended the wedding despite our warnings: She wanted to see him looking handsome and charming.

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Madd_hatter Established Member

Madd_hatter

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Lol, you still think he's a great catch? And you think she's lucky to have him? Lol.

 

Won't be posting any more on this thread. Good luck and good luck to anyone who tries to talk any more sense into you.

 

What an extremely insensitive thing to say.

 

What more should I do? Should I throw shade and bash him? Should I have stood up during the ceremony and called him a cheater?

 

It wasn’t about me. It was about them. They’re happy. They have reason to be. He made a mistake. I wish them nothing but the best

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Orokotikki Established Member

Orokotikki

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Yes, you should have! You would've saved the BS from a cheater!

Why not let the BS decide to so flippantly forgive and forget the betrayal?

Instead they are kept clueless...

If she ever does find out, what an extra slap in the face for her that the AP was at her wedding...

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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What an extremely insensitive thing to say.

 

What more should I do? Should I throw shade and bash him? Should I have stood up during the ceremony and called him a cheater?

 

It wasn’t about me. It was about them. They’re happy. They have reason to be. He made a mistake. I wish them nothing but the best

 

I think this is very big of you, and I truly believe you will able to move on better now that all chance of ever being with him has been erased.

 

However, I do hope at some point you will realize that he is not deserving of the pedestal on which you have him. He is NOT a good person at his core if he was capable of doing what he did. It's dangerous for you in future relationships to not see that because of what you could potentially accept/put up with in a partner.

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No_Go Established Member

No_Go

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That's amazing MH, congrats! I think you are the real winner in this situation.

 

You closed the mouths of all the possible haters by showing there, you've showed strength, you made a statement, you shined:) I don't think it could have went any better.

 

Of course you were happy for him, he's someone you love. That's what love is, it transcends 'relationship goals'. I never understood people that 'love' someone only in the time that they have something to do with a person (friendship, relationship whatever). Real feelings last for lifetime and do not get affected by events and interactions.

 

I think from a relationship perspective you dodged a bullet. From what you described this person logistically is not someone you want to have any serious business with... He's unreliable, indecisive, easily influenced, unfaithful... Lots of things that you don't want home so to speak. It doesn't mean he's a vicious person, just someone being better admired from a distance.

 

Again, congrats for the strength you showed!

 

 

I ended up going to the wedding. Wanna hear something insane? I had a good time. I looked stunning if I do say so myself. People were complimenting the whole time. I did not cry once. I saw him there.. sooo happy. It made me heart smile to see him smiling, laughing, dancing like a fool..he was so happy and that made me feel happy.

 

I’m glad I went. I really did have a good time, but above all, I made peace with the fact that he’s happy with her and he is not and never has been mine.

 

It still hurts...the rejection. I’ll miss him like crazy, but I’ve never ever, in all the years I’ve known him, seen him so happy. There was no way to feel sad seeing him in such bliss. I’m genuinely happy for him.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Madd_hatter Established Member

Madd_hatter

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I hate writing this post. I thought I was passed feeling this way. I haven’t ever stopped thinking about him and seeing him so happy as he was marrying her made me feel so warm and toasty inside. I genuinely felt happiness that he was happy. But I miss him so much.

 

It hit me all at once. I didn’t expect it at all. It’s so hard to explain. I’m still happy that he’s happy, but I wish I could be the one making him that happy, or at least share in his happiness. I don’t know.

 

All I know is he’s so happy and fulfilled, and I’m hurt and lonely.

 

God I’m so in love with him. I love him so much it physically hurts. I truly don’t believe I’ll ever stop loving him.

lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

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So sorry you're hurting. Of course you wouldn't be over your feelings after watching him get married. This obsession (and it is an obsession; I'm not trying to be cold) has been a huge part of your life and will take months, maybe even years to get past.

 

It's important to distinguish unrequited obsession (which almost all of us expect at some point, I know I did!) from real love, because the former can distort your expectations for what a healthy connection should be. Of course it's okay to care for someone who doesn't feel the same way. The problem is getting stuck and fixating on it to the point where you can't function and can't imagine not feeling that way.

 

Obsession is not love. Unrequited affection is not real love. Pining after someone who never returns your feelings isn't love, it's imagination. Unfortunately, because it's all in your head, it can feel even stronger than love, and it can be much harder to get over. In your case you aren't just grieving a relationship that never was, but you also have to essentially rewire your brain to stop focusing on him. That may require professional help, and that's okay. Are there therapists you can speak to?

 

Enough about this guy. He is not the issue anymore, and in some ways he never really was. Lots of hugs and best wishes for you.

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