Lost Our Baby and Now I've Lost Her **Updated**

[goldenlotus]

Yeah, it does sound like you were there for her, but I'm unclear why you are both not living together, especially as she was having a baby. You guys aren't teens or early 20s, you are in your mid-30s and it doesn't make any sense to me.

[David2357]

She claims that she just wants to be friends, but she will spend *hours* talking to me about our relationship and what went wrong. I think that when she unblocked me and invited me to text her (in the "let's try to be friends" email that I mentioned earlier), she had to know that I was going to try to talk her into getting back together.

 

 

 

So, I do not entirely trust her motives. I am not even sure if she knows what she wants. But I do not think that she is really "over" me or our relationship. If she were indifferent to it (or to me), why would she spent so much time discussing what happened? Maybe I am reading too much into this but it is almost as if she wants me to change her mind. Yet, when I ask her directly about getting back, she is very adamant that "it will never happen."

 

 

 

My end game? I want her back.

[Marc878]

She claims that she just wants to be friends, but she will spend *hours* talking to me about our relationship and what went wrong. I think that when she unblocked me and invited me to text her (in the "let's try to be friends" email that I mentioned earlier), she had to know that I was going to try to talk her into getting back together.

 

 

 

So, I do not entirely trust her motives. I am not even sure if she knows what she wants. But I do not think that she is really "over" me or our relationship. If she were indifferent to it (or to me), why would she spent so much time discussing what happened? Maybe I am reading too much into this but it is almost as if she wants me to change her mind. Yet, when I ask her directly about getting back, she is very adamant that "it will never happen."

 

 

 

My end game? I want her back.

 

Shes told you and shown you what she wants. Not believing her at this time is your problem.

 

Your only course is to take yourself out of the equation. You might stand a chance that way but chasing just pushes them farther away.

 

Most like you become needy, clingy and end up becoming a pest.

 

Very unnattractive and the best way to end it for her. Her reaction will be the exact opposite of what you think in this situation.

 

The "friends" thing is for her not you. It alieviates guilt.

 

You need to wake up

[usa1ah]

I suspect that she is doing this to alleviate her guilt. We did not have a great breakup (who does right?). We had a still born son back in February and she left me a couple of months after that. I was very angry and resentful; I felt like she had no respect for the fact that I, too, was grieving, and also felt that she expected too much from me at the time. She left because "I wasn't there for her" and she "felt all alone."

 

 

 

We have talked about that at length, and she still does not really see it from my perspective. For her, I did not give her what she needed when she needed it, so that's it. Game over. For me, I was so distraught and trying to hold it all together so that I could function and go to work, that I couldn't be there in the way she needed - and I think most people would understand that.

 

 

 

What kills me is that she will tell me things like, "I love you but I can't be with you." I mean, come on....

 

You were unable to be there because of her family, she knows this.

 

She choose to hide behind them after the loss of your child. She could have came to you for comfort knowing you could never go to her in her father’s home.

[usa1ah]

Do you actually think that if I ignore her she will end up wanting more? Or are you saying ignore her for my own sanity?

 

Both.

 

Tell her good bye. Say how you feel. That it’s to hard just to be friends. That you will never be able to move on with life with her in it. That she has made it clear the two of you will never be anything but friends and that isn’t enough for you with how you feel.

 

Don’t beg plea or look weak. Be honest and just tell her good bye.

 

Don’t block her on anything yet. What until she either moves on herself or starts trashing you.

 

She will either let you know she really wants you back in her life as before or she will move on. Either way you will force her true feelings out.

 

The relationship you have now will damage you if you keep it up.

[Lotsgoingon]

If your end game is you want her back, then go for it.

 

Note: absolutely none of us on this board thinks it's good for you to get back with her. You are emotionally dependent on this woman ... even if she treats you like dirt--even if her father treats you like dirt. By emotionally dependent, I mean you literally cannot imagine life without her in the center of the picture.

 

You can't imagine life without her.

 

So if you are insistent on this: go for it! ... Beg. Plead. Call. Visit ... it will all be painful and difficult, but if your mind hasn't changed one iota based on all we say, then nothing will change your mind.

 

I'll just give you this heads-up: the relationship--whether you get back with her or not--is going to be as chaotic and painful and strange and unhealthy as it always was.

 

But ... look: sometimes a level 9 pain isn't enough to deter us ... You might need multiple more years of level 12 pain (on a 10-point scale) before you come to the conclusion that this woman isn't good for you. Some of us have to be in extreme pain and misery for multiple years before our brains and hearts conclude: maybe this person isn't good for us, maybe this thing isn't going to work.

 

Suggestion for the long term: get your life going outside of her. Get some hobbies, focus on your job and career advance, do some reading. Find some activities in your life that are enriching. I sense you don't have a life going on outside of her--or you would have moved on from her A LONG TIME ago.

 

And get some good friendships going ... friendships are part of a rich life. They anchor us, allow us to hear other perspectives, absorb different thinking, and they provide joy.

Edited July 20, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[David2357]

I appreciate all of the comments and feedback.

 

 

 

I know that the best thing for me is to do is to just walk away. Let me rephrase that: the healthiest thing for me to do, is to walk away.

 

 

 

However, a big part of me does not want to, and not just because I am in denial about her coming back. Regardless of the fact that our relationship did not work out, she is still, and always will be, the Mother of my child. Also, I like her as a person and the thought of never speaking to her again seems.....a bit silly.

 

 

 

I guess the question is: at what personal cost to me? Maybe the solution is to go NC until I have completely moved on and then try to resume a casual friendship with her.

[David2357]

Some of you may remember my prior posts on this forum regarding my ex.

 

She ended our nearly 3-year relationship in May, a couple of months after our son was stillborn. Her reasons for ending the relationship: I was not "there" for her after she lost the baby and did not openly grieve with her. She felt all alone in her grief. I admit that we drifted apart after our son died. I did not know how to talk to her about what had happened. I was sort of walking around on autopilot for the first couple of months after his death.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short, we got into some nasty arguments after the break up. I said some pretty horrible things to her and she threatened me with a restraining order. Later that same day, she filed for a temporary order but did not show up for the hearing a few weeks later, and the RO was dropped.

 

I did not talk to her for about a month (I was honestly afraid to contact her after the RO business). She eventually reached out to me and we started texting every day. We talked through most of our issues, and I finally opened up to her about how I felt about our son's death - and about her.

 

Talking lead to flirting, and last week we ended up spending the night together. We had dinner and drinks then headed back to her place. The sex was better than either of us remembered it being when we were together (more passionate).

 

We both called off work the next day (a Friday) and spent the entire day together. More sex but also more talking and just hanging out. She said that she still has feelings for me, but she is not ready for a relationship right now, and it would be a long time before she could completely trust me again given some of the things that I said to her right after the breakup.

 

Where we left things: she gave me a ride back to my place. We kissed in the car and I said "I'd like to see you again soon." She give me a wish washy response.

 

Saturday afternoon, I texted her "It was really nice to see you yesterday. I had a great time :)" So far no response.

 

Thinking maybe I should back off and see how this plays out. My guess is that either she is confused OR she wants to keep me around as Plan B in case she does not find greener pastures. If I don't hear anything in about a week, I might try to contact her again for another date, and if she does not respond to the second contact, I'll just move on.

 

What do you guys think? (And yes, I know that sleeping with her was probably not the "greatest" idea but....)

Edited August 13, 2018 by David2357
Extra spacing

[Normm]

Make up sex is always fantastic. Especially if you've been dumped and see it as a sign that you're going to be un-dumped.

 

Unfortunately you've already surmised that she's a) confused and b) probably keeping you around as plan B and I don't see any reason to disagree with you.

 

If she does show some interest you need to cool it a bit- no more of this "I want to see you again" crap.

 

Get tough, get detached, let her come to you. That means of course you do NOT contact her again. Your self esteem and any chance of her getting her interest back up depends on it.

[bathtub-row]

Sometimes it’s called goodbye sex. It’s good that you guys talked and reconnected but you need to leave her alone for now. I’m all for a guy pursuing a girl when he really wants her but he also needs to know when to back off.

 

The fact that you said such horrible things, causing her to feel very threatened, is not something easily forgotten. And, worse than that, it shows you have little self-control. Not a great way to impress women. Going forward, I’d suggest that you never, ever let yourself sink so low that you say things you regret and can’t take back.

[David2357]

"The fact that you said such horrible things, causing her to feel very threatened, is not something easily forgotten. And, worse than that, it shows you have little self-control. Not a great way to impress women. Going forward, I’d suggest that you never, ever let yourself sink so low that you say things you regret and can’t take back."

 

 

I did say some rather unfortunate (and rude) things to her, but I feel that she is being dramatic as well. Basically, right after we broke up (as in less than 24 hours later) a mutual friend clued me into the fact that she was on Plenty of Fish. I created an account to see for myself and sure enough, there she was. I confronted her and she told me some ridiculous story about how she had created the account to help her sister feel more comfortable about going on there. Anyway, an argument ensued and I called her a "whore", "white trash" and a few other unpleasant things.

 

 

 

I have no idea what is going through her mind right now. When we were together the other night, she was extremely affectionate, and very into the sex. And the conversation flowed easily, as if we were just picking up where we left off months ago.

 

 

But not a single word from her since then. Guess if she wants to talk she will contact me. If not.......oh well.

[MountainGirl111]

Hi David. I read through your thread. I'm sorry about the loss of your baby boy. It would put a strain on even the most stable secure couples.

 

One thing that stuck out to me is that you and she were not living together when you were expecting this baby. That, to me, would be a problem. If you guys had been living together perhaps she would not have felt the need to go to her parents to recover and you would have been able to help her more after the delivery and what not.

 

However, it does sound like you were there for her in the hospital and stuff.

 

I don't see her in the wrong or you in the wrong. What I see is a very tragic event and the aftermath blowing up your relationship. Interference by her Dad sure didn't help. Her taking out a RO against you didn't help. Some of the things you said to her didn't help. You were both operating on very RAW emotions.

[bathtub-row]

"The fact that you said such horrible things, causing her to feel very threatened, is not something easily forgotten. And, worse than that, it shows you have little self-control. Not a great way to impress women. Going forward, I’d suggest that you never, ever let yourself sink so low that you say things you regret and can’t take back."

 

I did say some rather unfortunate (and rude) things to her, but I feel that she is being dramatic as well. Basically, right after we broke up (as in less than 24 hours later) a mutual friend clued me into the fact that she was on Plenty of Fish. I created an account to see for myself and sure enough, there she was. I confronted her and she told me some ridiculous story about how she had created the account to help her sister feel more comfortable about going on there. Anyway, an argument ensued and I called her a "whore", "white trash" and a few other unpleasant things.

 

I have no idea what is going through her mind right now. When we were together the other night, she was extremely affectionate, and very into the sex. And the conversation flowed easily, as if we were just picking up where we left off months ago.

 

But not a single word from her since then. Guess if she wants to talk she will contact me. If not.......oh well.

 

What you said about her isn't a reflection on her, it's a reflection on you. I hope you never, ever utter those words again to anyone. Ever.

 

Having said that, it sounds like she might be willing to forgive and forget your outburst but I can promise you she won't forgive it again. I say just let her be for now and see what happens. When someone is in an emotional smog, months can go by before they see the light of day. It actually may be possible for the two of you to get back together but I think more dust needs to settle. Give it time. I know it's hard but, in hindsight, you'll understand it someday.

[MountainGirl111]

Amen to what was just posted.

 

I'm going to add here, David. You can go online and try to process your grief, etc. And find those that sympathize with you...but the bottom line here is this: Do you want things to be reconciled with the mother of your baby boy or do you want to go on line and get lots of sympathy from other posters which would help you feel better about the whole ordeal?

 

Is this thread you started about you and your needs or about HER and the precious baby boy you lost? I don't mean to be blunt or anything like that. The truth is, David, that many many women lose babies everyday and the people in their lives, including the father of the babies simply do*not*get*it*.

 

It seems like to me you and subsequent posters have sort of "demonized" the mother of this baby.

 

Well, put yourself in HER place. Ask yourself if you were REALLY there for her....or if you were thinking MORE about your OWN needs at the time...Were you really just wrapped up in your own sorrow?

 

Yes, that IS a challenge. Take it or leave it, David. Take it or leave it. You get online and you present your side of things. We have not heard from the mother of the baby.