What do you suggest I do next?

[BaileyB]

To be brutally honest, neither one of you sounds mature enough to be in a serious relationship. I know it's hard, but you need to try and let her go... graciously and with dignity.

[Romantic_Antics]

Well, that’s why I’m confused. When I try to ask her what’s wrong, she pushes me away. I never get the truth of why she completely abandons me and blocks me . I understand I did text a bunch and act a bit crazy, how could I not? She was kicking me out and I had no clue what sparked it. I wish I could just text her but she said those things, but then asks me to never contact her again. It’s like she made me an enemy and I don’t understand why.

 

If you'd mentioned this in your OP, my advice would've been completely different. It's time for you to back off and reclaim your dignity. When somebody asks you to never contact them again it's over and any additional contact from you is harassment. Go NC and don't make any further contact. It'll be one of the hardest things you've ever dealt with, but it's what has to be done.

 

She might reach out at some point, but don't expect it, hope for it, or sit around waiting for it. If you contact her at all, I'd wait at least a month and then send an email or letter apologizing for acting crazy and for scaring her. You can acknowledge that you were afraid of losing her, but then you should say that it didn't excuse you acting the way you did. I'd keep it short and sweet, make it all about the apology, maybe thank her for being a part of your life, wish her the best, and say goodbye.

 

After that, move on.

[alphamale]

What does it mean if a girl says : she doesn’t want to be in a relationship because she’s unsure of her self? She says her heart belongs to me but she doesn’t want to be responsible for a relationship? Does she want to date other people? I’ve been her only boyfriend I’m legit going insane.

 

it means she wants to break up

[Beachead]

What does it mean if a girl says : she doesn’t want to be in a relationship because she’s unsure of her self? She says her heart belongs to me but she doesn’t want to be responsible for a relationship?Does she want to date other people? I’ve been her only boyfriend I’m legit going insane.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain. I read your other post. You're in shock right now and not thinking rationally.

 

Keep things simple friend

 

No matter how much you pull hair trying to figure it out, the best you got are assumptions and speculation because she didn't bother explaining herself nor did she show you the respect to talk it out with you. She pushed you away with no answers. This is on her.

 

The key word here, as I have bolded is "Responsible" indicating she doesn't want to commit. Doesn't matter what happened in the past. All that matters is in this moment, this is how she feels.

 

When you think about the fact that you two were together and assuming you gave her your best, I'd remind myself of how disrepectful and damaging this move was.

 

It feels like hell but in times when you have no answers, remember to always keep it simple. All you know as of right now is she's gone. You must proceed forward in all decisions as such.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

[alphamale]

"it's not you, it's me" means "it's you"

[William]

Four threads on the same topic merged for continuity. There may be some duplication of content.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, this isn't about her anymore, and why she did this or that.

 

This should be about you now, and getting your life together. You have become far too dependent on this woman, which is never healthy. Focus on getting your own act together, as any relationship attempted in such an unstable condition is bound to go sour quickly.

 

She is gone and it's better that way. You won't realize that until the initial hurt fades a bit, but this had disaster written all over it.

[UpwardForward]

"it's not you, it's me" means "it's you"

 

Omigosh yes. Husband said that to me when he was trying to dump me for the OW.

[Somethinglovely]

Before the breakup. We were arguing everyday but just jokingly. We both were not in a great mental state and neither of us were stable mentally and physically. It’s like we have been fighting so long and hard to be together that we feel that the odds are against us. I feel like she does love me and care , but I need to get myself together before I can make her truly happy.

[UpwardForward]

Possibly she is dependent. Whoever is taking care of her, would be the priority.

 

Hard to know who was behind the flash light shining into the window - but she threw you out. It is her life.

 

Build on your own life (and finances), if you still want to be her lover/protector.

[Somethinglovely]

Hello, I’ve been in no contact with my ex after she broke up with me for about a week. Our break up was pretty bad, she ending up kicking out of her apartment. I messaged her an even though the break up was caused of somthing as trivial as me wanting to spend time with her. I believe it came off as needy and she was tired of having to re-assure me that she won’t leave me. She left me so many times that she doesn’t understand the emotional impact it has on me. I broke no contact and told her despite her hurting me, and destroying who I am. I’ll always love her. I told her I want her to be happy, regardless if it’s with me or someone else. I apologized for not being emotionally available because of my own promblems and insecurities and I vowed to work on myself and become the best version positive and happy. She responded : Glad you will better yourself and perhaps our paths will cross in future. I wasn’t expecting a reply to be honest , but at least I got one. What bothers me the most is how they’re tone changes from being all “ I love and miss you one week and next It seems like they don’t care. My goal is to be with her again and not make the same errors I did the first time. There are mistakes I made, for example everyone treated her great and spoiled her. So I’m bes she asked me to treat her like **** because she wanted to feel that. I love her and do whatever she asks but later she gets upset and wants me to be loving and sweet. It confuses me so much.. she makes me believe that whatever I do is not enough sometimes even when I cater to her. She broke up with me saying that she doesn’t know her self and isn’t mentally stable for a relationship, ( I’ve been her first love, first kiss, first sexual experience) she says her heart belongs to me , but I get so confused because she’s pushing me away further and further. Will no contact bring her back? Guys I really don’t want to move on. I know that’s everyone will tell me. I want an opportunity to have a normal relationship with her without her depression or parents being in the picture. I feel like she’s not attracted to me anymore because I became needy and and reliant on her for happiness. I know the right way is to improve myself first, but do you guys think I have a shot? She was first girl who was honest, and faithful and kind hearted. At least she responded, I’m not sure if this is seen as a neutral response. Nonetheless it’s better than nothing. You can imagine how crushing I must feel because I bought a ring and was going to propose to her.

[Blanco]

She's not coming back, especially if you don't stop creating new threads for the same relationship and don't start using paragraphs.

 

But really, you're in denial right now. The issues facing you guys is bigger than both of you and not something that "love" or stubbornness or dependency can overmatch.

[BaileyB]

My friend, you need to stop creating new posts.

 

The advice you get will never change. This relationship is over. It's time for you to move on... Leave the woman alone before you are charged with harassment.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You mentioned in one of your other posts that neither one of you are entirely mentally stable. We haven't heard from her, but it's evident by your posts that this is true for you. I suggest getting some counseling/therapy.

[Somethinglovely]

My friend, you need to stop creating new posts.

 

The advice you get will never change. This relationship is over. It's time for you to move on... Leave the woman alone before you are charged with harassment.

 

You guys are right. I’m terribly sorry this is extremely hard on me. I’m not looking to annoy anyone I just needed some support. I’m trying to stay busy, I can tell by her tone, she doesn’t want to me anymore. Thank you for all your help guys and I won’t post anymore about this situation.

[Romantic_Antics]

You guys are right. I’m terribly sorry this is extremely hard on me. I’m not looking to annoy anyone I just needed some support. I’m trying to stay busy, I can tell by her tone, she doesn’t want to me anymore. Thank you for all your help guys and I won’t post anymore about this situation.

 

I would encourage you to keep posting as it seems like you may not have a ton of support outside of this website. I didn't either. As a self-employed person, who had just relocated to a different state, I had literally nobody to talk to or hang out with in person. Just long distance calls and this website. It made it difficult for me to get over my break up, but I did get over it, and there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you too.

 

A couple of things that were very beneficial to me were increasing the duration and intensity of my weight lifting and cardio almost to the level of my bodybuilding/powerlifting days. Despite what they say about cardio, it was pounding the weights like a man possessed that was the most beneficial to my well being. The second thing was getting back into writing. Writing is very therapeutic as well. I wrote letters (that I never sent), kept a journal, and even wrote a couple of poems, one of which I intend to publish.

 

I would highly recommend the exercise and finding a new hobby of some kind if writing doesn't suit you. CautiouslyOptimistic's recommendation of getting some therapy/counselling is another good one. Not only will that help you tackle any preexisting mental instabilities it will also give you a professional to talk to about your break up. Just remember one thing: you will get over it.

 

Good luck.

[Somethinglovely]

I would encourage you to keep posting as it seems like you may not have a ton of support outside of this website. I didn't either. As a self-employed person, who had just relocated to a different state, I had literally nobody to talk to or hang out with in person. Just long distance calls and this website. It made it difficult for me to get over my break up, but I did get over it, and there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you too.

 

A couple of things that were very beneficial to me were increasing the duration and intensity of my weight lifting and cardio almost to the level of my bodybuilding/powerlifting days. Despite what they say about cardio, it was pounding the weights like a man possessed that was the most beneficial to my well being. The second thing was getting back into writing. Writing is very therapeutic as well. I wrote letters (that I never sent), kept a journal, and even wrote a couple of poems, one of which I intend to publish.

 

I would highly recommend the exercise and finding a new hobby of some kind if writing doesn't suit you. CautiouslyOptimistic's recommendation of getting some therapy/counselling is another good one. Not only will that help you tackle any preexisting mental instabilities it will also give you a professional to talk to about your break up. Just remember one thing: you will get over it.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Thank you so much for your words. I’ll do my best.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree with everything R_A has said. Don't stop posting.....just stop creating new threads all the time. Stick to just one .

[Beachead]

My friend,

 

This is your anxiety talking. It's shock.

 

In this state, you couldn't take care of her even if she came back.

 

I know you want her back but she doesn't want you back. Now that may not be a permanent thing but as of right now that's what it is and that's what you accept. It's not up to you anymore. Everytime you contact her, you disrespect yourself and you make her feel embarrassed for you which works against you. You can't convince her to be with you when she doesn't want to be and you can't manipulate her into coming back with underhanded tactics. Faking it will only last so long because it's not you..and the real you will eventually bleed out and expose your lies. Then it's back to square one.

 

But it's not just you..it's her too. She got things she has to sort out too.

 

This relationship wasn't meant to last. It's gone. That's what you need to tell yourself now. I know how terrible it feels. Like you can't breathe, think or function. And now that I dropped that horrible truth on you. Let me get to the things that matter for you.

 

There has to more to you than being her boyfriend...or anyone's boyfriend.

 

Think about yourself. Really turn that mind inwards.

 

What are your career plans? How do you plan to achieve them? What do you enjoy outside of school or work? Are you doing them? Are you doing the things you love? It's not just about school or work either. It's about developing yourself socially, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and if you wish, physically. It's about growing and improving everyday. Mistakes and failures and crappy situations like this that happen to us are potential opportunities to learn and grow into awesomeness.

 

If what comes to your mind after I said this is "But I need her. She is my life. My happiness. I don't know how to live without her" then that is a problem; a problem that'll carry on with you into the next relationship..and the next..and the next.

 

Now the good news is, you can fix this. This problem has nothing to do with someone else. Unlike a problem we have no control over such as your ex's feelings about you, you have control over this outcome because you have control over yourself.

 

How do you do this?

 

Find peace of mind in your own life, and you'll be ready for a relationship.

 

This isn't easy and it's not something you can do in a few weeks or months. It takes discipline and committment and self-love everyday for years. You'll essentially rewire your brain to put yourself first. For someone like you which actually sounds like me 10 years ago, I believe this will help.

 

People used to tell me the same thing. It took me about 10 years or so to get to a point where I finally listened. Once I did, I saw the merit in it.

 

Therefore, I agree with the others in going to therapy and joining some group activities that you are interested in that will help you meet new people who aren't treating you like crap. It'll remind you that there is a world outside of this woman full of people who do care. You may even come to discover that you can like someone new. It will coincidently be a good first step to the advice I've laid out for you about working on yourself.

 

Stay strong and don't message her anymore. She isn't worth it.

 

- Beach

Edited May 29, 2018 by Beachead

[Somethinglovely]

Hello guys:

 

Some of you already know my story from the past few days but just a recap. My ex and I broke up about a week ago and we were doing no contact. The break up wasn’t mutual. In the past, she would break up with me because of fear of her parents. I broke no contact and insisted that she owed me that much because to be honest our only true issue was trying to be together. She responded:1. I'm tired 2. I don't know if I'm pregnant. 3. I want a career and a degree and this relationship has held me back.

 

I told her I agree and support her decision. She then for first time started to actually give out feels she wrote: I love you so much that I lose a sense of reality and direction. It's unhealthy. Therefore I have to let you go. It's the only way. I'm way more emotional than you.

 

To this I responded to; I want to build something special and real with you. I want to establish a system where we communicate and talk through specific issues instead of gdeting fed up and pushing each other away. I told her I don’t want pressure her I just want to be part of her story( life). She hasn’t replied yet but I’m hopeful. I’m still fighting, she used to cry in my arms that everyone leaves her. I told her at its purist form, I love you unconditionally and although that’s the kind of love that should only be reserved for a mother and child. In a sense she made me see the light, birth me in sense. I told her I’ll always be here and I’ll love and cherish you, so long as you don’t stop loving me or push me away. Not sure if everything will workout but do you guys think it’s possible? Everyone says the same stuff, leave and move on. My issue is that, I want to mess up badly, I want to be reason why she stops loving me. I don’t want it to be because we are too in love or because we can’t function together. I’m trying to figure out a way where we can still have that close relationship without reverting to how we used to communicate. Which is every second we had to know where the other one was. We tracked each other. Never went out, texted constantly. We were glued to one another and we stop being responsible with jobs and school. I’m trying to convince her that I want a balance where I can still be her everything without feeling she has to give up her career, family, ext. I’m hopeful for reconciliation not sure if this is the right path or what to do from here.

 

.

[Somethinglovely]

Thank you. This made me smile after long time not smiling. Since I was 17 I wanted to just settle down. Hopeless romantic, I’m now 28 and for 11 years I just been chewed up and spit out. I’ve been single for about 2 years in that time span where I just dated. It was a bunch of useless flings. Deep down I’m afraid of being alone. I’ve never had anyone my entire life. So that’s why when she showed me that she love me despite not having a good family dynamic. It drew me so close to her. She was my only friend. Now I have no one. I know I need to work on myself. Im trying to find motivation. If you have time to privately message me I would really appreciate it.

[Somethinglovely]

I would encourage you to keep posting as it seems like you may not have a ton of support outside of this website. I didn't either. As a self-employed person, who had just relocated to a different state, I had literally nobody to talk to or hang out with in person. Just long distance calls and this website. It made it difficult for me to get over my break up, but I did get over it, and there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you too.

 

A couple of things that were very beneficial to me were increasing the duration and intensity of my weight lifting and cardio almost to the level of my bodybuilding/powerlifting days. Despite what they say about cardio, it was pounding the weights like a man possessed that was the most beneficial to my well being. The second thing was getting back into writing. Writing is very therapeutic as well. I wrote letters (that I never sent), kept a journal, and even wrote a couple of poems, one of which I intend to publish.

 

I would highly recommend the exercise and finding a new hobby of some kind if writing doesn't suit you. CautiouslyOptimistic's recommendation of getting some therapy/counselling is another good one. Not only will that help you tackle any preexisting mental instabilities it will also give you a professional to talk to about your break up. Just remember one thing: you will get over it.

 

Good luck.

 

Not sure if you received my last reply but if we could chat privately I could really use the support.

[William]

Quick recap:

 

1. We've merged a number of threads here and the member is on moderation for starting repetitive threads in violation of our policies so their replies may be delayed.

 

2. LoveShack.org is a public forum and we encourage members to provide content to the forum. Our private message system is available for members who are in good standing and qualify but solicitation is off-topic and moderated members are disallowed use of the system.

 

3. While we try to prevent duplicate/overlapping content, in a situation like this there is bound to be some. Thanks in advance for your patience and we appreciate your efforts to help the thread starter with their relationship issue.

[Somethinglovely]

Hey everyone,

 

Just an update. I desperately I caved in because I wanted closure. She told me she left because 1- she tired of hiding the relationship. 2- she’s not sure if she’s pregnant 3- she wants to focus on school and career. Don’t get me wrong, these are all valid reason unfortunately they aren’t the main reason. She left me last summer because of her parents and told me it’s cause she never loved me( parents made her say it) by the way we aren’t children we are in are mid 20s.

 

Deep down I know the real reason is because she told her father she wouldn’t see me then went behind his back and let me stay in her apartment. Then one night around 5-6am a flashlight illuminated the blinds and you can tell someone was trying to look inside. Next morning, she freaks out kicks me out her apartment with no where to go. Blocks me.

 

It’s extremely painful but now it all makes sense. I can finally try to move on. Until I can provide for her solely is when she will be open. At this point I’m just truly hurt ya know? I don’t care who it is.. I would never kick her out with no where to go. It wouldn’t be so much an issue if I had my wallet, but I was unable to get cash, or I didn’t have an Id. I couldn’t go back to my home state, so I had to rely on her for about 2 weeks until I got my documents. Luckily, I got them the day after she kicked me out, so I slept at a shelter. I just don’t see how someone could be so cruel ya know. I guess I’ll never know.

Edited May 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ItIsNotMe]

I know your pain, dude...

I used to have almost the same problem. My ex GF-s did disapprove me and it led to our break up during December. We were living together for almost half an year. We had 2-3 fights after which she was leaving me for minor and solvable issues but then comming back (because I was the person who was fighting for our relationship). At the beginning of December she left me again, telling me that she had a secret from me. An unpleasant thing that could be solved but it didn't matter at this point. I was devastated and continued trying to contact her. I got no response to no one of my messages or calls. On Christmas she responded to my call and told me that it was better to leave her, wishing me all the best for the Hollidays & etc. I had no other choice so I followed her decision. 2 weeks later there was a viber message from her for my Name day. I got pissed off because she was who told me to stop contacting her and to let her go and now she was sending me nice words for my Name day. We had a fight on the phone when she told me that her secret was that her parents did disapprove me.They did also disapprove her ex BF and their son's (i.e. my ex GF's brother) fiance as well. However, we met in private and we reunited.

She kept our reunion in a secret for her parents and it took a month and a half to tell her mother about me and 1 month more to tell her father as well. During the time I was really supportive and caring for her, her exams, I was driving her here and there and trying to do my best for her. The problem was that each weekend she was visiting her parents at her home in their town so I had to stay alone. I'm 26 and she's 24 and it was really miserable for not having even a single weekend together and staying late in bed or going somewhere in the country, for example. She even admitted that she was leaving me because she was forced by her parents to break up with me. Although I was supporting even her mother who was suffering by a pre-cancer state and even offered to stay at my home during her treatment in my town so she won't pay for anything and she could be with her daughter (my ex GF). During the end of March this year, we visited her family again. The father behaved like a f*cking as*h*le by almost not speaking with me and leaving me behind his back during the family dinner while I was trying my best to make a good impression and to change their opinion for me. I felt awuful and miserable so I told it to my ex GF. She got angry and told me that it's her father's home so he could do whatever he wanted. I got really upset and disappointed for not protecting me and that was the moment when my feelings for her started fading away. After we've returned back home, she started to accuse me everyday for this and that - I've forgotten to do something or I've interrupted her while she has been speaking. Everytime I told her that I have enough of her mumbling, she was threatening me to leave me. I was trying to make nice gestures for her and the only thing I was receiving was a single "thank you, my dear". But when I've done something wrong (I mean little things, not a real issue) I was receiving tirads of accusements blah-blah-blah and when I was telling her that I can't bear it anymore, she was responding with the same words: Ok, I'll leave you and so we will solve our problems. I was always trying to tell her that I loved her and that's not the way how the problems are fixed but it didn't matter. 2 weeks ago I realized that I've enough of mumbling and threatening me so when she threatened me to leave me for 546546546546821321345-time, I pointed her the door and told her that the choice was hers. She started crying and left me. Since this moment I'm maintaining a NC behavior.

 

So... I've realized that I'm more valuable than the person she was trying to convince me that I was. She made me feel that I have no positive sides and that I'm almost useless. Don't stay attached to this kind of persons. Her parents are her family and she's psychologicaly dependent on them and their opinion. You can't fight your entire life for someone's opinion (I mean her father) when this person has no intentions to see the real YOU. Whatever you do, he would see only flaws. If you save someone from a burning house, he would say that you have done it just to steal this person's wallet during your act of breavery. The fault is hers for not protecting you and staying next to you, telling her parents that you're her choice and that they should respect you. I understand that you love her a lot but she's dependent on them and she'll follow their will. Trying to change their opinion of you is like digging out a rotten corpse out of the graveyard and trying to resuscitate it and to hope it will happen. Let them go and make yourself a better and successful person and make them sorry for not accepting you as their son in law.

Edited May 31, 2018 by ItIsNotMe