Decrease in sex life, need to worry?!

[snowboy91]

Mid 20s here. I've also gone through times of very high stress (final projects at uni, exams, etc) as well as bouts of anxiety and depression. All of which can cause my libido to fall dramatically - and more recently I've noticed it can sometimes collapse completely. I got home from a 3 week trip overseas and it took about 2 weeks to bounce back due to jet lag and other stresses.

 

Based on that experience, it isn't unreasonable for me to think that for some people, extended stress can cause their sex life to become non-existent. The questions for you now are, is that level of stress likely to continue long term? And are you able to cope with the lack of sex? If it's unlikely to stop then you might have to consider whether you can keep living with that.

[marky00]

definitely talk to him about it very calmly and explain to him how you feel.

 

Calm as in limited drama.. yes.

 

But, I think she still needs to give a hard edge to what she says. This can't be a wishy washy thing. She needs to convey this is serious and that she won't be sticking around if it doesn't get sorted out in the medium term.

 

He will probably get pissed off but that's way better than telling him after you have broken up.

 

Relationships are about being honest. This issue is on your mind. So bring it up. He needs a shake up to understand that the music problem isn't his only issue right now. That could help him break out of this somewhat.

 

If you do talk to him, make it more about him being disconnected, stressed and shutting down rather than the sex thing. He can easily make excuses about the sex issue but he can't dodge from the other issues.

[Fitnerd]

Did your feelings for her change during this time? Did you try to get her back?

 

I'm sure I changed after, talked to a lot of people about it, it just made me realized how different I was acting really.

 

I wasn't myself at all, when I was alone, felt guilty about things, was very depressed so I was overcompensating once with others trying to hide it, especially with her.

 

I totally shut down like your partner has. I was in mid 30s. And yes she left me without ever telling me her concerns. I had some legitimate issues going on in my life but she wasn't really interested in hanging around while I worked through them.

 

I disagree about the posts here saying that a young guy should be wanting sex every day etc.

 

When I have loved a woman, my need for sex actually dropped because there was other things about her to focus on.

 

You guys were having sex like rabbits for 6 months, that was never going to be maintained.

 

The big problem here is right now the way your thinking about this, the ultimate BU will be due to both of you choosing to not communicate (him unknowingly and you knowingly). As a woman your probably thinking "cmon he's man, surely he can just man up and get over it already". Simply watching him drown and accumulating red crosses will definately ensure this relationship doesn't survive. Not saying you need to hold his hand to help him through it. But right now, the way you are approaching this, you are both contributing to its ultimate demise.

 

This 100%, communication is imo the most important thing in a RS.

 

Calm as in limited drama.. yes.

 

But, I think she still needs to give a hard edge to what she says. This can't be a wishy washy thing. She needs to convey this is serious and that she won't be sticking around if it doesn't get sorted out in the medium term.

 

He will probably get pissed off but that's way better than telling him after you have broken up.

 

Relationships are about being honest. This issue is on your mind. So bring it up. He needs a shake up to understand that the music problem isn't his only issue right now. That could help him break out of this somewhat.

 

If you do talk to him, make it more about him being disconnected, stressed and shutting down rather than the sex thing. He can easily make excuses about the sex issue but he can't dodge from the other issues.

 

Oh definitely without stirring up some drama. Just tell him how you feel, that you really care about him and he shouldn't feel ashamed about opening up to you (what a lot of guys feel, me included) and yeah don't bring up the sex thing.

 

Also Bananapancake, I did want to get back together with her but since she started getting over it long before we broke up, it was already too late so I never tried.

[marky00]

Also Bananapancake, I did want to get back together with her but since she started getting over it long before we broke up, it was already too late so I never tried.

 

Same in my case.

 

When a woman leaves for that reason. There's no going back.... she's done.

 

My Ex bread crumbed for en entire year. I'm sure she felt guilty and all that but there was no point me pushing for a reconciliation because as I said when a women is done... she is DONE.

[Bananapancake]

I'm sure I changed after, talked to a lot of people about it, it just made me realized how different I was acting really.

 

I wasn't myself at all, when I was alone, felt guilty about things, was very depressed so I was overcompensating once with others trying to hide it, especially with her.

 

 

 

This 100%, communication is imo the most important thing in a RS.

 

 

 

Oh definitely without stirring up some drama. Just tell him how you feel, that you really care about him and he shouldn't feel ashamed about opening up to you (what a lot of guys feel, me included) and yeah don't bring up the sex thing.

 

Also Bananapancake, I did want to get back together with her but since she started getting over it long before we broke up, it was already too late so I never tried.

 

 

I already brought up the sex thing, a little. Asked carrfully if he's not really feeling in the mood these days, because I felt like I was pushibg it. I also said that it's really not a problem an totally Okay, that I be happy to just be close by hugging him.. stupid move perhaps..!? I guess it can't ve undone. Haven't complained or accused him anyway.. just felt like an elephant in the room. Told him that if theres anything he can talk to me.

[Gaeta]

I already brought up the sex thing, a little. Asked carrfully if he's not really feeling in the mood these days, because I felt like I was pushibg it. I also said that it's really not a problem an totally Okay, that I be happy to just be close by hugging him.. stupid move perhaps..!? I guess it can't ve undone. Haven't complained or accused him anyway.. just felt like an elephant in the room. Told him that if theres anything he can talk to me.

 

 

Everything can be undone. When you told him to not worry you had no clue this could be going on for weeks or months.

 

 

 

You need to decide if this is a part of him you are ready to deal with. This is not just about sex, it's about feeling rejected and undesired and with little time it will take a hit on your self-esteem. How is that going to affect you long term if he keeps reacting this way to stress?

 

 

I understand a few things can affect men's libido, for a few days, a week at most but for weeks with no end in sight?

 

 

 

Have you asked yourself how long you're ready to wait for him to get back to himself?

[Els]

He´s trying to get a permanent contract. If that doesn´t happen he wants to do something else (he´s struggld with this for about 4 years now), He just doesnt know what he´d like to do instead.

 

To be honest this would be my main concern, if you are thinking about the long term with this man. Sex 1-2x/week is frankly quite normal for a couple in their 30s undergoing a difficult career/financial situation, but IMO it is somewhat worrisome that at his age he's drifting aimlessly like that in his career. Is this something that you are OK with?

 

Personally in your situation I would observe and see what he does with his career situation in the next couple of months and make my decisions based on that. If things improve, great, your sex life is likely to improve as well. If things don't improve you are well within your rights to leave. Not just because of the sex, but because frankly a 30+ yo man drifting aimlessly for months or years on end "not knowing what he'd like to do" for a job isn't my idea of a good potential long-term partner.

[Els]

Yes, of course we all get down sometimes, but I think it's irrational to shut your partner out this way. He needs to get himself together and at least try to relax and get in the mood with you. No need to do 5 times a week if he's so drained emotionally, but it's odd to completely stop having sex. Just not something I would expect from a young high libido man

 

 

She said they are having sex 1-2x a week, not completely no sex for the entire time.

 

Frankly I am quite puzzled why everyone is focusing on the sex so much when we're talking about a 30-yo man who hasn't had a regular job for years. IMO the latter is a MUCH bigger red flag than the former in the context of a LTR (obviously, if they were just casual FWBs that would be a different story).

[Gaeta]

She said they are having sex 1-2x a week, not completely no sex for the entire time.

But she said it's forced, she has to initiate it or nothing will happen.

 

Frankly I am quite puzzled why everyone is focusing on the sex so much when we're talking about a 30-yo man who hasn't had a regular job for years. IMO the latter is a MUCH bigger red flag than the former in the context of a LTR (obviously, if they were just casual FWBs that would be a different story).

 

 

To me he comes across as weak, sorry OP. She also said even though he's been working on accomplishing this dreams for years that he's financially secure, I wonder how? Living with his parents? What does he live off of?

[Bananapancake]

I'm sure I changed after, talked to a lot of people about it, it just made me realized how different I was acting really.

 

I wasn't myself at all, when I was alone, felt guilty about things, was very depressed so I was overcompensating once with others trying to hide it, especially with her.

 

 

 

This 100%, communication is imo the most important thing in a RS.

 

 

 

Oh definitely without stirring up some drama. Just tell him how you feel, that you really care about him and he shouldn't feel ashamed about opening up to you (what a lot of guys feel, me included) and yeah don't bring up the sex thing.

 

Also Bananapancake, I did want to get back together with her but since she started getting over it long before we broke up, it was already too late so I never tried.

 

But she said it's forced, she has to initiate it or nothing will happen.

 

 

 

 

To me he comes across as weak, sorry OP. She also said even though he's been working on accomplishing this dreams for years that he's financially secure, I wonder how? Living with his parents? What does he live off of?

 

 

I think the last part is rather harsh.

[fromheart]

If a male has low slef esteem, if he were to be bullied by a boss at work or have some issue where he felt inadequate in some way, then that could affect his ex life.

 

Tired from work but happy with themselves men, always find the energy to have sex.

 

I'd put it down to a self esteem issue, and its hard for a man to admit that. He needs to get down the gym, cut out the things that aren't good for him. If its work bullying, martial arts/boxing can be very helpful.

 

There's always going to be a drop in sex after the honeymoon period, thats normal. But it is a problem if one of the couple aren't happy about it. He does need to work on himself and keep you satisfied if he wishes to sustain this relationship. You'd be perfectly justified to end it, if it went on for too long.

Edited May 29, 2018 by fromheart

[marky00]

 

To me he comes across as weak, sorry OP.

 

Figure out how many years/months he's been jobless and calculate the amount of times per week he doesn't satisfy you sexually and dump his arse if it falls outside of acceptable parameters

 

Take some time off, spend some time thinking it over by yourself.

Good luck !!!

Edited May 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gaeta]

I think the last part is rather harsh.

I am sorry it comes across harsh, can you answer the question though? how does he pay his bills for the past years while pursuing his dreams?

[marky00]

My point from post above is that this isn't like solving a mathematical problem here. I disagree it's a case of just adding up his sexual performance and work history and dumping him if he falls on the negative side of that equation.

 

I've been him so I can empathise with him. Sounds like other guys who posted here are in the same boat.

 

Your getting some views here that are direct opposites of each other, which can't be helping your decision.

 

Maybe take some time off from coming here and think about this situation in your own time. Too much info, especially when its such opposing views can get quite confusing.

 

I personally think you should talk to him but that's my opinion. A real talk with a hard edge to it. But that's just my opinion. What matters is what you decide to do.

[Gaeta]

My point from post above is that this isn't like solving a mathematical problem here. I disagree it's a case of just adding up his sexual performance and work history and dumping him if he falls on the negative side of that equation..

Then you don't understand what is being posted here because it was never about mathematics, additions, performances. It's about the human need for intimacy to nourish a fairly new relationship.

 

 

 

The additional details I am asking is to understand his character not interested in his Resume. If this man at 30 has never fetch for himself, lives at mom, has no other skills than playing the violin, doesn't have a plan B, then yes, it will influence my opinion of him. It would not yours?

 

 

Your getting some views here that are direct opposites of each other, which can't be helping your decision. .

The very nature of being on a forum is to get different opinions even opinions opposite of yours. And I'd like to add, again, it's not because some opinions are opposite of yours that they are not valuable opinions.

[lurker74]

First of all, Banana, I love your screen name. It probably isn't named after the Jack Johnson song, but it reminded me of it, which I consider one of the best relationship songs of all time.

 

Second, slow down. You're moving too fast. I am in my early 40s and I can tell you unequivocally, libido even for men can be fragile. Long-term, a guy who likes sex often will still have sex often but there will be short-term fluctuations where you go crazy like a rabbit for a couple weeks or a month or you stop for a month or so. But long-term, it always reverts to the mean unless there is depression involved (clinical depression, not just being sad).

 

Which brings me to my next point...three weeks is not that long. The dramatic nature of the change is actually BETTER because it means something external has happened. You've ruled out a third party (although, to be honest, I wouldn't because even if it's just a non-requited, non-physical infatuation, it could explain things) so that likely means it is stress. Rather than focus on the sex then, you'll need to focus on the stress. In a relationship, it's about helping the other when they are in need and he is in need. Had it been a more gradual slow down, then it might mean permanent changes but a quick change is actually indicative of something temporary.

 

Eventually, having to give 99% to your partner, while a pain, will be offset when he gives you 99% when you need it. Relationships are rarely 50/50.

 

One of the ladies around here that regularly posts has a signature that says something like,

 

Expectations are the building blocks of resentment.

 

You have built in expectations that are causing you to head toward resentment. That is a very common path when it comes to sex and it ends in a dead relationship. But it doesn't sound like you have unmatched libidos...it sounds like a temporary situation. You are imagining that if he doesn't make it, it could be this way forever or that he is like your previous boyfriend. Neither of those conclusions are ironclad.

 

So, stay in the relationship until the pain exceeds the joy and it sounds very much like there is still joy and more to be had in the future.

 

In the meantime, communicate with him that you understand the stress, that you notice it interfering with your intimacy, that you want that intimacy back, but that you're not going anywhere in the meantime and are there to help him through the tough times.

 

And as others have said, assuming that there is not a third party involved, I highly highly doubt he doesn't find you attractive and that many times, love leads to LESS sex. But for men, we get this rep that we are always ready for sex when in reality, we are fragile beings too. We can often only share that on anonymous forums but it's true. Not wanting sex in the short term is not because we don't find you attractive...it's actually more often the case that we don't find OURSELVES attractive.

[Els]

But she said it's forced, she has to initiate it or nothing will happen.

 

To me he comes across as weak, sorry OP. She also said even though he's been working on accomplishing this dreams for years that he's financially secure, I wonder how? Living with his parents? What does he live off of?

 

 

I didn't read the "financially secure" part. I am also curious how someone without a job can be "financially secure", unless he's really good with investments (which counts as a job IMO), or he lives with mommy who also pays his phone and car bills, buys him food, etc.

 

The latter, at 30, is total RED FLAG DO NOT PROCEED zone in my opinion. But the OP can certainly do as she pleases...

[mortensorchid]

Make sure that you communicate this with him. Maybe he is really in that "I'm under stress" or "not tonight" mentality for now, but make sure that it's not something else completely. I have known people who say that when they are no longer interested in the person they are with but for some reason do not say it immediately.