Decrease in sex life, need to worry?!

[marky00]

 

I am twice OP's age and have experience on my side including an ex who pretended he was too stressed for sex, turned out he was cheating around the clock with everything that moved.

 

That's totally different from someone who is legitimately stressed. I've taken the OP's description of things at face value.

[Bananapancake]

About depression, yes I think that is very possible. I don´t want to diagnose people out of the blue,but he´s said a few times that he feels very useless since he doesn´t really have a job. He said he picture himself elsewhere in his carreer at the age of thirty, and turning thrity was very hard for him as well. The past year he´s been to auditions 10-15 times, reached the final quite a few times but then got turned down. He´s in the music field. He expressed that it´s killing him, that he´s holding it together but barely.. These feeling seems to have grown a lot since the beginning of this year. As he got closer to his own deadline, still not having a real job

[Bananapancake]

Twice a week is really not a big deal IMO. While everyone on the internet always seems to be having sex every day twice a day, statistically you're still above average in terms of frequency for a long-term couple.

 

What are his plans re: shaping things up in his career? I can understand you not wanting to stick around if it turns out to be a long-term issue, but 3 weeks is really a short time.

 

I agree with that, it´s just that I feel him being distant. I feel him avoiding sex by shutting of the light, saying that we should sleep. And when I bluntly asked him, he admitted not feeling so sexual, which might not be so strange considering what he´s going through but my thoughts are killing me

 

If we had great connected sex twice a week I´d be very happy and content, it´s not really the quatity after all, but at least for me it´s about the connection with my partner. Not just that, but it´s an important part.

[marky00]

We´ve had sex perhaps twice a week the last couple of weeks, mostly my initiative.

 

So for 6 months you were having sex multiple times per day. Then for last 3 weeks, its dropped to twice a week.

 

To me that doesn't seem like a big deal at all.

 

This has to be about something else.

[Gaeta]

Twice a week because she's breaking his arm. She is the one initiating it each time. The man goes to bed and shower asking her to please not try to have sex.

[Bananapancake]

So for 6 months you were having sex multiple times per day. Then for last 3 weeks, its dropped to twice a week.

 

To me that doesn't seem like a big deal at all.

 

This has to be about something else.

 

I´m very sensitive to drastic changes. He used to be all over me, and now it feels like we are very disconnected. I meantioned once that I felt a bit disconnected from him, not sexually but he´s been very distant. He said, I´m sorry, I´m just really focused on these auditions right now, I don´t feel disconnected but I will have to really focus on this during the next month.

 

My fear lies in my past relationship. I was together with an emotionally unavailable guy, he stopped ebing intimate, he was always lying, making promises that where not true, and I can´t help worrying about being in the same situation all over again so it really adds to my stress about this. Although rationally I know my boyfriend is not that heartless person, he is very different. I can´t talk about this with him ofcourse, but the second I noticed that he was a bit less sexual with me I freaked out inside. I just can´t take it yet again. I have trust issues which is also why I simply can´t take in what he´s telling me.

[Bananapancake]

The way I see it there is two options:

 

1) He is going through hell, knowing that he might have to give up his dream. At the age of 30 start reconsider what to do with his life, without havng any clue about what since he doesn´t have a backup plan. He is constatly thinking about this and at the same time preparing for his 5 upcoming auditions, while trying to give me what I need (He keeps complimenting me, which seem like hard work, but he once expressed that he wants to because he thinks I need it and because he´s worried I woouldnt want to stick around) At the same time I´ve been reacting strongly to the change in his mood, asking tons of questions, acting a bit needy even I´d say.

 

2) He simply dont like me that much. I would however expect him to just dump me then, he´s very independent and I have a hard time seeing him stick around if he didnt want to.

 

As late as today I asked how hs day is, he answered very stressed i said okay, take your time and do your thing, it´ll be fine. I have a few things he needs before going away for th audition and I even suggested that we just meet briefly to hand over those things. He insisted that we spend the evening together tomorrow though, because he need to just relax with me before he leave. I mean why would he if he doesnt want to be with me in the first place? It doesnt make sense.

[Bananapancake]

Twice a week is really not a big deal IMO. While everyone on the internet always seems to be having sex every day twice a day, statistically you're still above average in terms of frequency for a long-term couple.

 

What are his plans re: shaping things up in his career? I can understand you not wanting to stick around if it turns out to be a long-term issue, but 3 weeks is really a short time.

 

He´s trying to get a permanent contract. If that doesn´t happen he wants to do something else (he´s struggld with this for about 4 years now), He just doesnt know what he´d like to do instead.

[Bananapancake]

Just want to fast forward a bit to see what´ll happen. We´ll be a part for a week soon, he´ll go on auditions and Im travelling to see some friends. Perhaps that´s good.

 

I mean if he doesnt want me in his life anymore I just want to rip off the band aid really.. as quick as possible. If I can be sure that it has nothng to do with me, that he really wants this, and just need time to come back I can be very patient. I want to be there for him, I want him in my life and to build something, because I think over all we´ve been great together. I just don´t eant to be tricked nor waste time if he jst doesn´t want to be with me really. That´s all.

[Gaeta]

Bananapancake this relationship is still fairly young. I know you said you're in love with him, and I beleive you, but you are just scratting the surface of who he is. Has he dealt with depression before? Do you know anything about his past relationships? Were they all short, long terms?

 

 

 

I understand he's dealing with the end of a dream but because this relationship is young you can't tell if he'll be battling this for 3 months or 3 years, especially he didn't have a plan b. You don't know if he'll snap out of it at all so my advice is to give him space for him and for yourself. Giving him space doesn't mean he gets to decide when you spend time together, it means you start occupying yourself with other things get together 1-2 times a week and let him deal with his stuff on his own.

 

 

 

I am not too keen on the fact he wants to be with you more but not as a couple but sees you as a buddy he can sit by. In a long term relationship sure but at 7 months dating it will kill the attraction fast - he is de-sexualizing you in a way. Sex is too available to him so he can afford to not have-take it. If he seen you only 1-2 times a week he'd think twice before saying no.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BluesPower]

I think we should get real her for a sec...

 

What part of the music field is he in? If he is auditioning, then he is a player or singer of some sort? Yes?

 

If he is in sound, recording, or live, and he is not getting a job it is because he is not good enough, bottom line. Those guys in those areas always have work.

 

If he is a classical player, then he is probably not good enough either.

 

So it would help if you would just come out and say what it is that he does.

 

But the fact is that in whatever field, if you are not on track by 30, it is not the field for you. It is time to get a real job.

 

Those are things that you need to take a good, REALISTIC LOOK at.

 

If he is stressing, yeah, it could be affecting him.

 

However, while it may not be time to jump, you need to look at this situation objectively.

 

I am a musician, and except when I was younger and was on the road, I have always had a REAL job.

 

Very few people really have a stable long term job in this field unless they get famous and rich...

[Bananapancake]

I think we should get real her for a sec...

 

What part of the music field is he in? If he is auditioning, then he is a player or singer of some sort? Yes?

 

If he is in sound, recording, or live, and he is not getting a job it is because he is not good enough, bottom line. Those guys in those areas always have work.

 

If he is a classical player, then he is probably not good enough either.

 

So it would help if you would just come out and say what it is that he does.

 

But the fact is that in whatever field, if you are not on track by 30, it is not the field for you. It is time to get a real job.

 

Those are things that you need to take a good, REALISTIC LOOK at.

 

If he is stressing, yeah, it could be affecting him.

 

However, while it may not be time to jump, you need to look at this situation objectively.

 

I am a musician, and except when I was younger and was on the road, I have always had a REAL job.

 

Very few people really have a stable long term job in this field unless they get famous and rich...

 

 

 

Classical musician... I know, and I agree, but even if I do, he must come to this conclusion, unfortunately. He is taking it very hard. God to get an opinion from someone in the music field though... He did make it to lots of finals however... which is encouraging

[Lorenza]

I would worry. A young man doesn't get so stressed he stops having sex with his high-libido girlfriend of 7 months.

[Bananapancake]

I would worry. A young man doesn't get so stressed he stops having sex with his high-libido girlfriend of 7 months.

 

not ever? ouch, perhaps not, I don´t know, and I´m loosing my mind.

[Bananapancake]

Bananapancake this relationship is still fairly young. I know you said you're in love with him, and I beleive you, but you are just scratting the surface of who he is. Has he dealt with depression before? Do you know anything about his past relationships? Were they all short, long terms?

 

 

 

I understand he's dealing with the end of a dream but because this relationship is young you can't tell if he'll be battling this for 3 months or 3 years, especially he didn't have a plan b. You don't know if he'll snap out of it at all so my advice is to give him space for him and for yourself. Giving him space doesn't mean he gets to decide when you spend time together, it means you start occupying yourself with other things get together 1-2 times a week and let him deal with his stuff on his own.

 

 

 

I am not too keen on the fact he wants to be with you more but not as a couple but sees you as a buddy he can sit by. In a long term relationship sure but at 7 months dating it will kill the attraction fast - he is de-sexualizing you in a way. Sex is too available to him so he can afford to not have-take it. If he seen you only 1-2 times a week he'd think twice before saying no.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, I might try that.. Or just give up entirely.. I don´t know. It´s just heartbreaking...!

[Lorenza]

not ever? ouch, perhaps not, I don´t know, and I´m loosing my mind.

 

Yes, of course we all get down sometimes, but I think it's irrational to shut your partner out this way. He needs to get himself together and at least try to relax and get in the mood with you. No need to do 5 times a week if he's so drained emotionally, but it's odd to completely stop having sex. Just not something I would expect from a young high libido man

[Bananapancake]

Yes, of course we all get down sometimes, but I think it's irrational to shut your partner out this way. He needs to get himself together and at least try to relax and get in the mood with you. No need to do 5 times a week if he's so drained emotionally, but it's odd to completely stop having sex. Just not something I would expect from a young high libido man

 

It happens, but sort of half hearted really... I wish I´s understand his feelings. I´ve been under pressure too a while a go, didn´t feel so sexual but was willing to go the distance to keep things stabke in the relationship. (not saying that its the right thing to do), but either I must turn him off completly, or he´s shut down completly. Hard to know which of those two

[Gaeta]

Is it possible you don't know the full details of his situation? Did he go in debts for the past 10 years? What did he live off if he spent all that time trying to materialize a dream?

[Bananapancake]

Is it possible you don't know the full details of his situation? Did he go in debts for the past 10 years? What did he live off if he spent all that time trying to materialize a dream?

 

Noo, he didn´t, he´s ecnomcally stable, that´s for certain.

 

If he get a contract, he might have to move, which has made me a bit worried, which has shown ofcourse. That´s what I referred to when I said I´ve been acting needy. I have been needing some reasurrance, which I know is a turn off and by that a bit oody myself. Perhaps at the very wrong time, so I might have turned off his desire. I don´t know. although... if that´s the case, a couople of bad weeks and he goes cold, I guess it wasnt that great, right...?

 

I mean, he´s been super moody for weeks, and I love him the same, just feeling a bit more scared. Could be he doesnt...

[BluesPower]

Classical musician... I know, and I agree, but even if I do, he must come to this conclusion, unfortunately. He is taking it very hard. God to get an opinion from someone in the music field though... He did make it to lots of finals however... which is encouraging

 

Then frankly he is not good enough... not that he is not great, it is just that the top of the top are the people that get gigs.

 

And the ones that are there don't leave unless they get something better or die. I am not saying that he won't get a job, but he also has to keep it.

 

In those situations, you also have to keep your job.

 

Now yes, he has to make that decision but you don't have to be there for it if you don't want to.

 

And come on, he is 30, he needs to get his self together or you need to get out IMHO...

[Bananapancake]

Then frankly he is not good enough... not that he is not great, it is just that the top of the top are the people that get gigs.

 

And the ones that are there don't leave unless they get something better or die. I am not saying that he won't get a job, but he also has to keep it.

 

In those situations, you also have to keep your job.

 

Now yes, he has to make that decision but you don't have to be there for it if you don't want to.

 

And come on, he is 30, he needs to get his self together or you need to get out IMHO...

 

Perhaps. I'd wish he could see what he has in his life, not only what is missing. I mean there is a lot in life with great value.

 

I don't know, we'll be apart for like a week, if this keeps on much longer I guess I'll have to give up. If there is no one at the reception desk, them theres very little I can do I suppose.

[Fitnerd]

Bananapancake, I highly doubt there is a 3rd party involved as I went through with my ex almost exactly what you're describing.

 

I was insanely stressed from a 2-month long project and, combined with a past-trauma, made me very closed-off (without noticing it btw). I was just cold, not in the mood for sex and just sad and/or angry.

 

After a few weeks of this, without mentioning a word or trying to work it out, she just left me.

 

I know now I would have made an effort if she had mentioned anything so that's why I'm telling you, definitely talk to him about it very calmly and explain to him how you feel.

 

If he doesn't make an effort, you have your answer but I'm in the opinion that you should definitely try to talk to him about it first.

[Bananapancake]

Bananapancake, I highly doubt there is a 3rd party involved as I went through with my ex almost exactly what you're describing.

 

I was insanely stressed from a 2-month long project and, combined with a past-trauma, made me very closed-off (without noticing it btw). I was just cold, not in the mood for sex and just sad and/or angry.

 

After a few weeks of this, without mentioning a word or trying to work it out, she just left me.

 

I know now I would have made an effort if she had mentioned anything so that's why I'm telling you, definitely talk to him about it very calmly and explain to him how you feel.

 

If he doesn't make an effort, you have your answer but I'm in the opinion that you should definitely try to talk to him about it first.

 

Thank you! It's nice to hear that other people went through similar things (not that I wish that for anyone), but it's good to hear that it might not be completly unnormal for a Young guy to shut down while dealing with stress and negative feelings. I appreciate your inpunt.

[Bananapancake]

Bananapancake, I highly doubt there is a 3rd party involved as I went through with my ex almost exactly what you're describing.

 

I was insanely stressed from a 2-month long project and, combined with a past-trauma, made me very closed-off (without noticing it btw). I was just cold, not in the mood for sex and just sad and/or angry.

 

After a few weeks of this, without mentioning a word or trying to work it out, she just left me.

 

I know now I would have made an effort if she had mentioned anything so that's why I'm telling you, definitely talk to him about it very calmly and explain to him how you feel.

 

If he doesn't make an effort, you have your answer but I'm in the opinion that you should definitely try to talk to him about it first.

 

 

 

Did your feelings for her change during this time? Did you try to get her back?

[marky00]

I totally shut down like your partner has. I was in mid 30s. And yes she left me without ever telling me her concerns. I had some legitimate issues going on in my life but she wasn't really interested in hanging around while I worked through them.

 

I disagree about the posts here saying that a young guy should be wanting sex every day etc.

 

When I have loved a woman, my need for sex actually dropped because there was other things about her to focus on.

 

You guys were having sex like rabbits for 6 months, that was never going to be maintained.

 

The big problem here is right now the way your thinking about this, the ultimate BU will be due to both of you choosing to not communicate (him unknowingly and you knowingly). As a woman your probably thinking "cmon he's man, surely he can just man up and get over it already". Simply watching him drown and accumulating red crosses will definately ensure this relationship doesn't survive. Not saying you need to hold his hand to help him through it. But right now, the way you are approaching this, you are both contributing to its ultimate demise.

Edited May 29, 2018 by marky00