Friend with benefits wants to be more, and I don’t feel the same

[Tearknee]

I agree that cutting the fwb and giving him sometime to really figure out what the next step is going to be. I also don't mean a knee jerk reaction like the posts on Social Media which is not the place for that sort of venting in my opinion.

 

If this is to get back in the future you both need to sit down and communicate with each other for a long time what the expectations are to be even if the relationship goes on for a long period of time.

[preraph]

begging?

 

she contacted him. he spoke his mind, got mad... that's not begging and its so fresh.

 

begging for a month after a BU blowing up her phone .... that's a different story

 

She's told him outright at least twice and he keeps pushing.

[preraph]

I'm awful sorry what you went through. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for whatever decisions you make. They haven't been through what you have.

 

A pushy man would especially scare me if I'd been through all that, because it all come down to respect, doesn't it? Respecting what YOU want, not just what he wants.

[JuneL]

Did the police arrest your ex? He could have been charged for murder.

[Confusedfwb]

Did the police arrest your ex? He could have been charged for murder.

 

No, I never filed a police report and lied to my doctor.

[preraph]

It's not too late. He should be locked up. Hopefully he is locked up for something else by now.

[marky00]

She's told him outright at least twice and he keeps pushing.

 

You must have more info.

 

In this thread, all I see is a FWB arrangement, they had one fight because of what went down with the niece. He got upset and stopped talking to her. She contacted him and he was still mad and told her she should open up more because he has finally decided he wants more from his time investment in her. Of course, he should eventually respect her decision but he is also most likely exhausted from witnessing the OP's negative situation for 4 years.

 

She has also added he took care of her during her most difficult times. I think he's entitled to a little wiggle room here (it's only been a few days).

 

And contrary to what you say, sounds like he's done quite a good job of respecting her wishes for 4 years. A lot of people would have found that hard to do given the OP's extremely negative plight coupled with the fact he might have had some feelings for her the whole time (just speculation of course).

Edited May 27, 2018 by marky00

[preraph]

Well she's been honest with him so she doesn't owe him anything. It is true sometimes people let something go on too long and fail to see what's right under their nose until it blows up in their face.

[nittygritty]

You don’t do anything other than end the relationship. Cut off contact completely with him. That’s what you want to do right? I mean after it has gone on for 4 years that included vacations together and attending family functions it’s likely that he is feeling used and confused. You are just taking what you want from the relationship. Let him move on with his life. Perhaps therapy would be beneficial to you. Take care.

[JuneL]

OP: Where was your own family in all this? I think you made a mistake in participating often in their family events/trips while having sex with the guy. The right thing to do is to cut off your “friendship”.

[BaileyB]

OP: I think you made a mistake in participating often in their family events/trips while having sex with the guy.

 

I agree. There is a lack of boundaries here. It was probably just assumed that things would come together, with time. It's easy to see how people could become attached and get confused...

 

Now that you know, you have a responsibility to deal with the situation. Either, you go all in or you need to end it with this man. It is the kind thing to do.

Edited May 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[Confusedfwb]

He keeps trying to bring my baby up every time I talk to him... I just ask him to stop. The last thing I want is to be reminded of everything I did wrong that day, he knows so I don’t understand what there is to talk about...

 

He knows it breaks my heart to see my ex. He knows that I want to tell the woman he’s with now about it. I don’t see why he needs to talk about it. He always says “well, you know I’d never do that to you “

[nospam99]

Aside from counseling, do you believe your FWB in fact loves you? Has he tried to help you deal with your feelings about your baby? Would you let him? Would you want him to?

 

OP, you're 'back' after a few days away. I don't think you ever answered my quoted questions. FWIW, it sounds to me like FWB loves you and wishes he could help. Right now, I'm not hearing that you want him or will let him. For your own sake, let somebody, ANYBODY, into your life to help you deal with your pain. Your baby is gone. You're not.

[Confusedfwb]

OP, you're 'back' after a few days away. I don't think you ever answered my quoted questions. FWIW, it sounds to me like FWB loves you and wishes he could help. Right now, I'm not hearing that you want him or will let him. For your own sake, let somebody, ANYBODY, into your life to help you deal with your pain. Your baby is gone. You're not.

 

I’m sorry, I didn’t see that. I do think he loves me, and I think that what I feel for him is the closest thing I’ve felt to love since. We don’t ever really talk about my baby, but he did come over on the anniversary this last year and hold me. He knew that my ex had sent me some bs that day and came over to comfort me, but I didn’t want anything from him.

 

I wish I was gone, I wish I could just go far away and forget.

[nospam99]

He keeps trying to bring my baby up every time I talk to him... I just ask him to stop. The last thing I want is to be reminded of everything I did wrong that day, he knows so I don’t understand what there is to talk about...

 

He knows it breaks my heart to see my ex. He knows that I want to tell the woman he’s with now about it. I don’t see why he needs to talk about it. He always says “well, you know I’d never do that to you “

 

If you were 'my woman', I'd so want to help. Everything you've written about FWB suggests he feels that way as well.

 

My response to your bolded remarks:

'what there is to talk about' is you forgiving yourself and finding love: for yourself, for some guy (like FWB) who loves you, and for (Sorry - I'm giving it to you between the eyes with a 2x4) other babies

[nospam99]

BTW OP, other people have had to deal with something at least just a little like what you did. NOT your circumstances, which are extra horrendous. I don't mean for anything I'm about to write to in any way minimize the terrible experience that you went through or how you feel about it. ... I'm an old male. But I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm tearing up big time as I write this because ... where I sit when I'm on the computer I can look up and see 'the rattle'. The rattle ex-w and I bought for OUR first pregnancy that ended in a 'mis'. Even though I have three young adult sons, that first loss was too painful and too important to ever forget. And the emotions are still evoked 30 years later by the sight of a toy. But not too painful to prevent moving on. I would be a much sadder human being if I had not moved on. I can only guess that my ex would agree.

[fredflint]

I had just gotten out of a very violent, serious, relationship when my friend asked me to go out of town with him to see his family for Thanksgiving. I’d just lost a baby and was all alone so I agreed to go.

 

We hit it off and from there decided to be friends with benefits. I made it very clear I didn’t want anything serious, and neither did he. I’ve accompanied him on family trips, and other private vacations since. He never says I’m his girlfriend and I never say he’s my boyfriend. We’re just close friends<snip>

 

Look this seems simple to me. If you've been clear with him about what you want (FWB) and he doesn't accept or respect that boundary, then that problem is on him, not on you. And you should just walk away from his drama.

Edited June 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[JuneL]

I think your fwb has to realize that when you are ready for a relationship, the guy would not be him.

[stillafool]

Look this seems simple to me. If you've been clear with him about what you want (FWB) and he doesn't accept or respect that boundary, then that problem is on him, not on you. And you should just walk away from his drama.

 

I completely agree with the above. You need to cut contact with him so he can heal and move on. Just make sure that your next FWB is certain about where you stand in not wanting a relationship so this doesn't happen again. Maybe you should just keep it at only sex next time.

[preraph]

I'm not quite as sold on this guy as some other are. I kind of think him bringing up the baby rubbing that in your face in an attempt to show what a stellar guy he is by comparison is kind of cold blooded. Also he's trying to make you feel obligated to be with him, which isn't nice.

 

I know how you can fall into things when you're depressed and your judgement isn't your best. Done it myself. When your world is spinning, you sometimes let someone take charge, which he did. But that doesn't mean you owe him a permanent relationship. I think you need some alone time to fully grieve and then to remember who you were before this bad thing happened. Wishing you the best. Don't let yourself get trapped with this guy.

[FMW]

Maybe he keeps bringing up the baby and your ex because he would like to help you deal with it and ease the trauma you feel, and break down the wall you have between you. It may be misguided and done clumsily, but maybe out of his love for you.

 

If that's the case, it's not fair to him to continue with the relationship. And if preraph's view is the right one, then you should also end the relationship. Either way. Stop seeing him and don't repeat the situation with anyone in the future.

 

I wish you peace and healing.

[Confusedfwb]

Today I got a call from my ex. He asked how I was, what I’m doing and I asked the same. Then he said he’d seen this other man last night and that they’d talked about our relationship, and the end of it, which had scared him. He was worried someone might overhear. I asked if the woman he’s with knows about our baby. He said no, and that all she really knows is something very bad happened. The only person he’s ever told is his mom, and since then their relationship isn’t the same. We talked about that for a long time. I know she knew I was pregnant because we’d told her together, but I didn’t think she knew how we lost it. She still sends me cards.

 

Then he told me that it’s not my fault that happened. It’s his, which is the first time I’ve heard him say that. Then we talked about what happened for a long time, which we’ve never done... that hurt. We talked about what we thought our little baby would be like, and we both agreed we’d still be together if that hadn’t happened.

 

He didn’t apologize to me. He just told me that he hopes I move on, and he thinks that this other guy can be what he thought we’d be.

 

Now I’m a mess. I wish he’d killed me too.

[Confusedfwb]

I haven’t really talked to him in a few weeks, now he’s sending me videos of him making out with another girl. It doesn’t really bother me, but I wish he’d stop. I’m sick of seeing them. He texts them, snapchats them, and emails them to me. Like I get it, please leave me alone.

[nospam99]

I haven’t really talked to him in a few weeks, now he’s sending me videos of him making out with another girl. It doesn’t really bother me, but I wish he’d stop. I’m sick of seeing them. He texts them, snapchats them, and emails them to me. Like I get it, please leave me alone.

 

Who is sending you the vids? The FWB or the father of the lost baby? I thought the FWB really cared about you. But if he is sending the vids that is just immature and vindictive and I was wrong to think that he might be a man who could be special for you.

 

I am really more concerned about your feelings (sounds like DEEP guilt to me) about your baby. I'm glad to see you posting again after your last post included a wish to have been killed. I hope you see SOMEONE - I think a sympathetic clergyman would be better than a counselor because every 'mental health professional' I've encountered has been a money-grubbing fraud. But please talk to someone to deal with your feelings. I believe that anyone who cares as much as your words say to me you do about that baby has so much love to give inside them that they and the world would be better if they could get past the grief (and guilt if that's what it is) and be open to love. Best wishes to you.

[Confusedfwb]

Who is sending you the vids? The FWB or the father of the lost baby? I thought the FWB really cared about you. But if he is sending the vids that is just immature and vindictive and I was wrong to think that he might be a man who could be special for you.

 

I am really more concerned about your feelings (sounds like DEEP guilt to me) about your baby. I'm glad to see you posting again after your last post included a wish to have been killed. I hope you see SOMEONE - I think a sympathetic clergyman would be better than a counselor because every 'mental health professional' I've encountered has been a money-grubbing fraud. But please talk to someone to deal with your feelings. I believe that anyone who cares as much as your words say to me you do about that baby has so much love to give inside them that they and the world would be better if they could get past the grief (and guilt if that's what it is) and be open to love. Best wishes to you.

 

My fwb. I don’t care that he’s doing whatever he’s doing with someone else, but I don’t want to see it. I just want to be left alone. I messed up and I feel terrible, but I don’t think I deserve that.