Scared to call my guy best friend

[marky00]

This is the problem right here.

I would NOT MIND being more than friends with him.

 

That's as evasive and as wish-washy as one can get. Imagine myself saying, "Hey Mary, I like you. I wouldn't mind being more than friends with you."

 

I expect "Mary" or any self-respecting person will tell me where I can put and shove my "not minding."

 

The problem here is that you know he's interested and you're into the energy of his interest, but you want to pretend you don't know he's interested and you want to pretend you don't like the flirtatious energy of his interest and the flattery involved.

 

This is an emotional and dishonest mess--dishonest with him and dishonest with you yourself. How would you feel if you sent a guy a bunch of gifts and stayed in touch with him and he just talked to you as a friend?

 

If you'd like to date him, then you will need to make that clear to him ... It seems you delayed in letting him know his gifts were appreciated in a way a romantic partner would appreciate gifts.

 

My sense: he's sanely let go of the hope of being with you ... and he's smartly not prioritizing calling you. Where has calling you gotten him? Nowhere that he wants to be. He's most likely in the process of letting go of all hope of dating you ... and toward that end, very smart to not return someone's call.

 

So let's recap. You haven't done anything wrong ... You are just coming up against the reality: it's really hard being friends with people who want to be more than friends ... Really hard ... And if you're the person who is the target of greater affection, you have to know that the other person at some point is likely to pull back out of sanity and self-protection.

 

What I don't get is why you're blinding yourself to this pretty straightforward reality. If people are to be friends, it usually takes a period of time in between in which the interest of the rejected partner settles down ... and the two people can create a sustainable friendship.

 

You seem to be saying you didn't really reject him. So did you accidentally reject him?

 

totally agree, I think our posts were almost identical. wishy washy indeed.

[JuneL]

While I agree that it’s strange to say she doesn’t mind being more than friends, it’s not clear how she has rejected the guy: she did go out with him when invited, and she did send him food a couple of time to reciprocate his gifts.

[Malin889]

totally agree, I think our posts were almost identical. wishy washy indeed.

 

Sometimes too, you have to realize, that perhaps someone may have gone through a bad relationship prior, terrible perhaps, where she was verbally abused and and so forth (I won't give too many details). So for her next relationship, she's been a little cautious about who to trust, etc and maybe was a little wishy-washy about diving right in, and took some time to finally get to a place where she could enter a relationship again. He knows a little about this, but not too much because I didn't divulge too many details.

 

He could have been wishy washy as well during our friendship, flirting but not always doing something about it, etc. I'm not blaming him, I'm just stating. I think we both took were taking our time because we had been hurt in the past.

 

I just hope that it's not too late. I'd like to show him that I'm ready for a relationship if he is. If we get the chance to talk to each other again. I'd like to call him again when he is home from his conferences, maybe I should call on the weekend?

 

But, if it's too late, then I guess there's nothing I can do about it and I would be happy to be his friend if I can't be anything else.

 

I hope that last sentence didn't sound too wishy-washy.

[Malin889]

While I agree that it’s strange to say she doesn’t mind being more than friends, it’s not clear how she has rejected the guy: she did go out with him when invited, and she did send him food a couple of time to reciprocate his gifts.

 

Thanks June :-). It is true, I always went out if he invited me.

[Lotsgoingon]

Really thoughtful replies Malin889.

 

So I'm feeling things differently based on your reply.

 

What I'm getting now is that you really treasured these dinners with him and the few calls and texts you guys exchanged. And I'm getting that you were not hiding your affection.

 

Now I must have missed this, but how far does this guy live from you? I'm figuring it's far enough to require a long-distance relationship.

 

So clearly you have strong feelings for him in a sincere way. (I think in initially commenting I assumed you did what I used to do--try to create a good friendship as a polite way of saying no to more.)

 

At some point, just open up and tell him how much you like him ... Now you might have already done this ... But yes, you can continue to make calls. Repeated phone messages with gentleness in your voice definitely communicate that you value the person ... even if the person doesn't return the calls immediately. He could be dating or he would be going through a difficult period that has nothing to do with you or dating ... could be the conference required all-nighters for some special presentation.

 

Trust that your good feelings are fine and they will come through. Tell him he's special via text if you need to ... Just state clearly how much you appreciate him ... how much you love seeing him ... some of this may seem obvious to you ... Tell him you hope he is enjoying the job and you really hope you can see him again sometime soon ... Saying this is not desperate because you're not saying, "I'm madly in love with you and can't live another day without you." And you have more room with someone you've known a while.

 

I recently had to reach out to someone repeatedly in a different context. A friend's parent died ... and I could not get to the funeral because the parent lived far away from me ... But my friend had attended my parents' funerals mainly because he worked in the same city where my parents lived and died.

 

I called my friend on the phone for condolences ... nothing ... Called him again ... left a really nice message ... nothing! ... I jumped to he's mad at me for not attending his father's funeral ... Just a few nights ago my friend calls ... totally warm ... totally open ... he had eye surgery around the time of his dad's death. He didn't show any sign of being angry at me ...

 

So usually I tell people don't be desperate and needy ... don't call if the calls aren't returned ... but there is an element of friendship to your relationship with this guy ... so in that case ... it's not overly needed to leave several kind and warm messages. For one, the messages will just say you want the best for him ... and he miss his humor ... and look forward to going out for dinner. Leaving several of those without a response is fine! ... Those messages do get through eventually.

 

So just to be clear, your messages won't be "what happened?" ... The messages will be, "I missed seeing you (without a critical tone) ... I appreciate you and your warmth ... was looking forward to your energy. I hope the new job is going well and that you're taking care of yourself ... etc.

 

Can't guarantee he's not dating someone else ... but there's a good feeling you'll have at just reaching out ... and the warmth of the messages just puts the energy out there for friendship or more to occur if he's interested and it's the right time, etc.

 

Good luck.

[marky00]

You don't have anything to lose to tell him directly and clearly how you feel. You don't have to dive in full-on first phone call but it's time to make your feelings known.

 

I get what you say about being burnt. All of us on here are past dumpees with heartbreak so we all get that. But it sounds like this guy has been very open and treated you well so I don't think he should have bundled into the "I cant trust this" basket.

 

Even if you were both at fault. You have now had the realization. That realisation won't change anything unless you act on it.

[marky00]

So usually I tell people don't be desperate and needy ... don't call if the calls aren't returned ... but there is an element of friendship to your relationship with this guy ... so in that case ... it's not overly needed to leave several kind and warm messages. For one, the messages will just say you want the best for him ... and he miss his humor ... and look forward to going out for dinner. Leaving several of those without a response is fine! ... Those messages do get through eventually.

 

I agree, based on this situation, she can definately reach out a few times without making her look weak or desperate.

 

This is't like a post BU dance. They never got into a relationship officially. No-one told anyone they wanted out for good.

 

No shame or dignity to be lost here.

[preraph]

Sometimes too, you have to realize, that perhaps someone may have gone through a bad relationship prior, terrible perhaps, where she was verbally abused and and so forth (I won't give too many details). So for her next relationship, she's been a little cautious about who to trust, etc and maybe was a little wishy-washy about diving right in, and took some time to finally get to a place where she could enter a relationship again. He knows a little about this, but not too much because I didn't divulge too many details.

 

He could have been wishy washy as well during our friendship, flirting but not always doing something about it, etc. I'm not blaming him, I'm just stating. I think we both took were taking our time because we had been hurt in the past.

 

I just hope that it's not too late. I'd like to show him that I'm ready for a relationship if he is. If we get the chance to talk to each other again. I'd like to call him again when he is home from his conferences, maybe I should call on the weekend?

 

But, if it's too late, then I guess there's nothing I can do about it and I would be happy to be his friend if I can't be anything else.

 

I hope that last sentence didn't sound too wishy-washy.

 

What I think is now that he's long distance, you feel it's safe to make a move. You say you hope it's not too late. He doesn't live there anymore. Most long-distance relationships don't work out. Unless you're planning on packing up and moving to where he is, I don't know why you are trying to escalate now that he's gone and moved on.

[marky00]

What I think is now that he's long distance, you feel it's safe to make a move. You say you hope it's not too late. He doesn't live there anymore. Most long-distance relationships don't work out. Unless you're planning on packing up and moving to where he is, I don't know why you are trying to escalate now that he's gone and moved on.

 

This is possible.

 

I'm not actually against long-distance. I made one work for years.

 

But, it can't just be co-incidence she's now interested now that he is gone. With long-distance you can kind of pick the bits you want from your partner but don't have to receive the whole package since they are far away.

 

If it's a push/pull dynamic (which it sounds to be), then the OP needs to be honest with herself about that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Update: So I finally called him. Called, not texted. He had come to town last week, I knew through a friend of mine. I knew he had come to town, but I knew he'd only be here for a few days at a busy conference. I just called, not to meet up with him but just to catch up because it had been forever since we caught up. I left a voice message, at at time I figured he'd be in meetings. ( I know, cowardly) Anyway, I left a message, just said I wanted to catch up sometime (nothing about meeting up while he was in town). I haven't heard back. It's been a few days.

 

Malin889, with all due respect, my first relationship with a girl in middle school moved faster than this. If you contacted him and he was in town and couldn't even be bothered to return your call - much less come see you - then that's a pretty clear message. If he were into you, no amount of conference meetings, mixers and seminars would keep him away.

 

I'd look for someone more available, in every sense of the word...

 

Mr. Lucky

[marky00]

Malin889, with all due respect, my first relationship with a girl in middle school moved faster than this. If you contacted him and he was in town and couldn't even be bothered to return your call - much less come see you - then that's a pretty clear message. If he were into you, no amount of conference meetings, mixers and seminars would keep him away.

 

I'd look for someone more available, in every sense of the word...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Did you read the whole thread? This guy was giving her gifts for quite a while and seemed to be into her. Not really on him to show how keen he is anymore.

[Mr. Lucky]

Did you read the whole thread? This guy was giving her gifts for quite a while and seemed to be into her. Not really on him to show how keen he is anymore.

 

I did read the whole thing. And there were opportunities, based on his current actions they seem to have passed. Or he may be one of those "girl in every port" kind of guys and has decided the OP isn't worth the trouble.

 

Since he's moved away and putting little effort into communicating with her, she should turn her attention elsewhere. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[marky00]

I did read the whole thing. And there were opportunities, based on his current actions they seem to have passed. Or he may be one of those "girl in every port" kind of guys and has decided the OP isn't worth the trouble.

 

Since he's moved away and putting little effort into communicating with her, she should turn her attention elsewhere. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thing is she has never come out and said how she feels. For all he knows, its the same old wishy washy contact.

 

Pretty similar to a dumpee being advised to ignore breadcrumbs. I actually think he has been and might still be more invested than the OP. Yes the OP is showing interest now but it's more likely an ego thing and she feels safe to push now since he is far away.

Edited August 2, 2018 by marky00

[JuneL]

Thing is she has never come out and said how she feels. For all he knows, its the same old wishy washy contact.

 

Pretty similar to a dumpee being advised to ignore breadcrumbs. I actually think he has been and might still be more invested than the OP. Yes the OP is showing interest now but it's more likely an ego thing and she feels safe to push now since he is far away.

 

She accepted his dinners out enthusiastically, and reciprocated with food gifts. This is showing interest. I didn’t see anywhere it’s mentioned the guy announced to her that he had romantic feelings for her. Bear in mind that all this (dinners out, gifts) happened only after the guy had moved. So the suggestion that the OP only liked the guy because he’s now long distance is absurd.

[JuneL]

Yes, but he dated someone before and has always called me, he always kept in touch. This feels different. Like I did something wrong.

 

So during some of the time he sent you gifts, asked you to meet for dinner when in town and imitiated talking regularly on the phone, he was dating someone? In that case, his keeping in touch with you didn’t have romantic motives.

[marky00]

She accepted his dinners out enthusiastically, and reciprocated with food gifts. This is showing interest. I didn’t see anywhere it’s mentioned the guy announced to her that he had romantic feelings for her. Bear in mind that all this (dinners out, gifts) happened only after the guy had moved. So the suggestion that the OP only liked the guy because he’s now long distance is absurd.

 

"absurd" lol

 

Steady on there. I'm entitled to my own opinion and its ok if we disagree.

 

The way she framed the post, it sounded like he was pushing more with gifts etc. Reciprocating is a response to an action of initiation. Sounds like he got tired of initiating.

 

OP has admitted she was somewhat protecting herself due to past relationship experiences.

 

This is first sentence OP wrote:

 

"I used to work with this guy and we were best buds. He started liking me, sending me gifts, he was very sweet. He moved away and started working from another state (he could because of his job) and I still worked in our office. He sent me gifts and always initiated contact and always asked me out when he came into town."

 

I read that as saying he was also sending gifts before he moved but the OP hasn't made that clear. She hasn't told us much about the dynamic before he moved. But, based on the very fist sentance, it sounds like he was into her before he left.

Edited August 2, 2018 by marky00

[Chris2016]

marky00, I read it similar (and also think she framed it as such).

I also think it's an ego boost.

He was an orbiter.

- He got smart.

Honestly, he should have never sent any kinds of gifts.

- Test the interests 1-3 times, then next the person.

The fact he's not responding is good.

Edited August 3, 2018 by Chris2016

[Malin889]

Really thoughtful replies Malin889.

 

So I'm feeling things differently based on your reply.

 

What I'm getting now is that you really treasured these dinners with him and the few calls and texts you guys exchanged. And I'm getting that you were not hiding your affection.

 

Now I must have missed this, but how far does this guy live from you? I'm figuring it's far enough to require a long-distance relationship.

 

So clearly you have strong feelings for him in a sincere way. (I think in initially commenting I assumed you did what I used to do--try to create a good friendship as a polite way of saying no to more.)

 

At some point, just open up and tell him how much you like him ... Now you might have already done this ... But yes, you can continue to make calls. Repeated phone messages with gentleness in your voice definitely communicate that you value the person ... even if the person doesn't return the calls immediately. He could be dating or he would be going through a difficult period that has nothing to do with you or dating ... could be the conference required all-nighters for some special presentation.

 

Trust that your good feelings are fine and they will come through. Tell him he's special via text if you need to ... Just state clearly how much you appreciate him ... how much you love seeing him ... some of this may seem obvious to you ... Tell him you hope he is enjoying the job and you really hope you can see him again sometime soon ... Saying this is not desperate because you're not saying, "I'm madly in love with you and can't live another day without you." And you have more room with someone you've known a while.

 

I recently had to reach out to someone repeatedly in a different context. A friend's parent died ... and I could not get to the funeral because the parent lived far away from me ... But my friend had attended my parents' funerals mainly because he worked in the same city where my parents lived and died.

 

I called my friend on the phone for condolences ... nothing ... Called him again ... left a really nice message ... nothing! ... I jumped to he's mad at me for not attending his father's funeral ... Just a few nights ago my friend calls ... totally warm ... totally open ... he had eye surgery around the time of his dad's death. He didn't show any sign of being angry at me ...

 

So usually I tell people don't be desperate and needy ... don't call if the calls aren't returned ... but there is an element of friendship to your relationship with this guy ... so in that case ... it's not overly needed to leave several kind and warm messages. For one, the messages will just say you want the best for him ... and he miss his humor ... and look forward to going out for dinner. Leaving several of those without a response is fine! ... Those messages do get through eventually.

 

So just to be clear, your messages won't be "what happened?" ... The messages will be, "I missed seeing you (without a critical tone) ... I appreciate you and your warmth ... was looking forward to your energy. I hope the new job is going well and that you're taking care of yourself ... etc.

 

Can't guarantee he's not dating someone else ... but there's a good feeling you'll have at just reaching out ... and the warmth of the messages just puts the energy out there for friendship or more to occur if he's interested and it's the right time, etc.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank YOU Lotsgoingon for such a thoughtful post. You are right, he does not live super close. His work (my old work) is in my hometown, but he works remotely/lives a bit far away, so I know a romance is not exactly realistic since he only comes to town 2-3 times a year. But we are (or used to be until a few months ago) close friends, so hopefully that friendship can be sustained if nothing else can. I will call him, and put the good/warm energies out there. That's all I can really do. We did have a special friendship and don't want to lose that. I'm glad your friend and you finally got in touch and that everything was ok. It's true though, a lot of the times, you think it's you when someone doesn't get back to you right away, and a lot of the time it has nothing to do with you! Heck, I have a busy life- I'm a single mom, work long hours, a lot of times I don't get back to people right away and I feel awful!

[Malin889]

So during some of the time he sent you gifts, asked you to meet for dinner when in town and imitiated talking regularly on the phone, he was dating someone? In that case, his keeping in touch with you didn’t have romantic motives.

 

When he sent gifts he did not have a girlfriend, no. I just meant during the time we've known each other, about 5 years, he did date someone at one time and kept in touch with me during that time. But he was not dating someone that whole time, no. Just for a short time.

[Malin889]

marky00, I read it similar (and also think she framed it as such).

I also think it's an ego boost.

He was an orbiter.

- He got smart.

Honestly, he should have never sent any kinds of gifts.

- Test the interests 1-3 times, then next the person.

The fact he's not responding is good.

 

I appreciate your opinion, but it's not always that simple. No ego boost here, Chris 2016!

[Malin889]

You don't have anything to lose to tell him directly and clearly how you feel. You don't have to dive in full-on first phone call but it's time to make your feelings known.

 

I get what you say about being burnt. All of us on here are past dumpees with heartbreak so we all get that. But it sounds like this guy has been very open and treated you well so I don't think he should have bundled into the "I cant trust this" basket.

 

Even if you were both at fault. You have now had the realization. That realisation won't change anything unless you act on it.

 

That's true. Even if we were both at fault, now that we've had some distance, now would be a good time to act on it. I'll give it a shot and keep the lines of communication open and see what happens. Thank you.

[Malin889]

I agree, based on this situation, she can definately reach out a few times without making her look weak or desperate.

 

This is't like a post BU dance. They never got into a relationship officially. No-one told anyone they wanted out for good.

 

No shame or dignity to be lost here.

 

Thank you, I appreciate that!

[stillafool]

Female. And no, just as a friend.

 

I don't understand if he is JUST a friend and was nice to you why are you "scared to call"?

[JuneL]

Did you hear from him at all?

[Malin889]

Did you hear from him at all?

 

I texted him when I got to work this morning, I just said, “Hi ——, I’ve been thinking about you lately, how have you been?” Then I turned my phone off because I didn’t want to think about it... and I had a ton of work to do... I just turned my phone back on a few minutes ago and I have 4 texts from him, I only saw the last one that says “I’m in —— (overseas), I’m just boarding a cruise.” I didn’t read the rest yet... ugh! What if he’s like, he’s on vacation with someone? Do guys answer texts when they’re on vacation with someone else??? Ugh. He used to go on vacations (esp cruises) alone all the time, he just likes to, but that doesn’t mean he’s alone this time! I always think the worst!