anna121 Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 No one is disputing he's to be commended for being honest. But she should also be commended for backing up. This is not what she wants which was her whole point in the first place. Except that she gave a sweeping dictate: "Guys. Don't do this." Um. Why, exactly? Because SHE found it a turn-off? Bully for her. Awfully presumptuous to think her preferences are the ones to guide men's OD communication. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 I think 40 is a more ideal age to tie the knot, personally. You've got the wisdom that a 20 year old doesn't. Commitment means more to you. And you're still desired by men. I'd say 35 max....After 40(and I don't care what anyone says), it becomes very hard to have kids, both for men and women....The level of energy and involvement required is more than people can ever realize... And just because people are older, it doesn't make them any wiser...In fact, ive known people that have not "matured" intellectually, yet are far over 40...They still make the same mistakes and poor life choices... year......after.......year.....after.......year.... TFY 4 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Morten, I don't know why you say "why bother?" You bother because someone is of interest, and you talk...and it turns out they aren't what you want or they have different ideals, so you stop. You wasted some texts and some dreams...you didn't waste six months of your life, only to find out they wander off after the honeymoon phase, all the wile purporting the desire to marry. One of these guys could stick - that's why you bother. You simply nipped this one in the bud. He's in his 40s with no desire to have anything permanent...move on. It sucks, I know. I'm in your age bracket. Men this age are fickle, and I'm guessing women are too. I think it's worth the bother, but also good to drop and run if they clearly don't match what you are seeking. Unless you just want to get a bit of a good time until it ends, move along, spare the drama and heartache. At least he was honest, and so were you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 This answer wouldn’t bother me. I am looking for someone that has never been married has no kids and doesn’t want to (have kids at least). There is a time and place for everything and I don’t think men or women should have babies beyond 40. Pushing 60 by the time the kid goes to college is not fair on the kid... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 If you are still hoping to get married and/or have children, it is best that he tell you his intentions up front. I am in the same age bracket. My current boyfriend has been married and divorced. He doesn't speak well of marriage, as he has been badly burnt before. We talk a lot about living together, retiring together, but not necessarily marriage. I'm ok with that. I wouldn't be surprised if he did ask me to get married, because he is a traditional kind of guy and he has a young son. But, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Whats important to both of us is the commitment to sharing a life together... not necessarily the wedding or marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 If the person says "I don't want to get married" that means they are commitment phobic. At this point in the game, I am okay with the fact that I will not have kids. It was not my decision to remain this way, but these decisions were made for me by the men I have been and not been with. At this point in the game, I want to be with a man who wants to be with me in a LTR. If that means marriage, I am happy with that. If it means we are going to be in a LTR (as in I will be his gf for the next 25 years), I am fine with that as well. But I encounter nothing but guys who will not commit or who try to make it work with trash. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 But to answer other questions asked, he and I had been chatting for a grand total of 2 days. When I asked this question the second day and he answered, I said NEXT! Cold? Experience has taught me otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
lovephule Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 But I encounter nothing but guys who will not commit or who try to make it work with trash. Which qualities make these women trash, in your opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 If the person says "I don't want to get married" that means they are commitment phobic. At this point in the game, I am okay with the fact that I will not have kids. It was not my decision to remain this way, but these decisions were made for me by the men I have been and not been with. At this point in the game, I want to be with a man who wants to be with me in a LTR. If that means marriage, I am happy with that. If it means we are going to be in a LTR (as in I will be his gf for the next 25 years), I am fine with that as well. But I encounter nothing but guys who will not commit or who try to make it work with trash. So you made the assumption that because he said "no marriage" he also meant "no LTR." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 From a guys point of view: LTR: Have a loving monogamous relationship that you stay in because you want to stay. Marriage: A legal agreement which often costs the guy half his assets upon dissolution. Women often are programmed to seek marriage and kids rather than the right partner. Whenever I see a female poster here talk about leaving a guy because he doesn’t want kids, it confirms where her priories lie. They will likely end up divorced if the focus is kids or marriage instead of finding the right person. From what this guy said, it could be that he is discouraged, as you are, and not hopeful he will find someone he wants to marry. He didn’t say he DID NOT want to get married. And again, even if he didn’t, doesn’t mean he’s commitment phobic. Also, talking about marriage on day two of texting can scare the hell out of a guy. It makes it come across as you are rushing things. It’s fine you stopped communicating with him, but snap judgements because a guy seemingly does not meet your unspoken needs doesn’t work well. I’ll also say that people’s minds can be changed when they meet the right person or just in general. I never wanted kids and now I regret I didn’t have one with my ex (if we had stayed together). I missed the boat on that one but nothing I can do to change it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Thankfully some still believe in love. I believe in love, and commitment. I also have accumulated sizeable assets and I will someday come into a significant inheritance... It would be unwise not to try and protect those assets. Particulalry, if there are children involved and/or there is an unequal distribution of wealth that is brought into a relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 But to answer other questions asked, he and I had been chatting for a grand total of 2 days. When I asked this question the second day and he answered, I said NEXT! Cold? Experience has taught me otherwise. It certainly sounds like you made the assumption that he did not want a long term relationship, because he said he didn't want marriage and kids. You are entitled to do whatever you like... But, I would suggest that you failed to gather all the facts before making a decision about the relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Marriage: A legal agreement which often costs the guy half THEIR assets upon dissolution. Fixed that for you.... many guys think that woman don't have a right to the assets of their marriage even though they are also theirs. I think the OP is keying on something and using it to weed out guys she has found that don't fit her future.. To me dating normally leads to commitment and then to engagement and marriage.. those are the normal expectations that dating moves... That isn't to say the only way dating moves, just the normal way... So she has decided that any guy not believing in marriage to go in the bin... so what ? good for her for setting a boundary and acting on it... Is she slimming down her dating pool, sure.. but that's all what dating is, finding out what you don't want and what you do.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 This answer wouldn’t bother me. I am looking for someone that has never been married has no kids and doesn’t want to (have kids at least). There is a time and place for everything and I don’t think men or women should have babies beyond 40. Pushing 60 by the time the kid goes to college is not fair on the kid... Everyone is talking kids, the OP didn't say anything about wanting KIDS after 40... I never wanted them when I was younger, I sure wouldn't want them now. Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 (edited) Which qualities make these women trash, in your opinion? I know what she means... I've seen this too. They latch onto women with no character and no moral fiber... sometimes less educated and usually less attractive, are prone to cheating, are catty toward other women, etc. Kind of the female side of the 'nice guys', I guess, who claim women only want the bad boys. Well.... you see it on both sides. I'll never forget the time I was forgotten about because I was size 10 and he wanted a super thin 'model' only to marry a 250 lb woman a few months later. They're more likely to commit to someone less threatening physically, for sure, than an attractive woman. They talk big but a lot of men can't handle it if they get it. The sad irony is that the most beautiful souls are the ones left to wither on the vine because everyone is afraid they won't measure up. Edited March 24, 2018 by Fair 1 Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Fixed that for you.... many guys think that woman don't have a right to the assets of their marriage even though they are also theirs. I think the OP is keying on something and using it to weed out guys she has found that don't fit her future.. To me dating normally leads to commitment and then to engagement and marriage.. those are the normal expectations that dating moves... That isn't to say the only way dating moves, just the normal way... So she has decided that any guy not believing in marriage to go in the bin... so what ? good for her for setting a boundary and acting on it... Is she slimming down her dating pool, sure.. but that's all what dating is, finding out what you don't want and what you do.. Sure. But does it really need a thread? If I started a thread about every woman I met who wasn't compatible..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 The sad irony is that the most beautiful souls are the ones left to wither on the vine because everyone is afraid they won't measure up. Eh, I don't agree with this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 From a guys point of view: LTR: Have a loving monogamous relationship that you stay in because you want to stay. Marriage: A legal agreement which often costs the guy or the woman half of his or her assets upon dissolution. Women often are programmed to seek marriage and kids rather than the right partner. So are men or no one would get married. Whenever I see a female poster here talk about leaving a guy because he doesn’t want kids, it confirms where her priories lie. They will likely end up divorced if the focus is kids or marriage instead of finding the right person. And again, even if he didn’t, doesn’t mean he’s commitment phobic. Also, talking about marriage on day two of texting can scare the hell out of a guy. It makes it come across as you are rushing things. I agree! It’s fine you stopped communicating with him, but snap judgements because a guy seemingly does not meet your unspoken needs doesn’t work well. I’ll also say that people’s minds can be changed when they meet the right person or just in general. I never wanted kids and now I regret I didn’t have one with my ex (if we had stayed together). I missed the boat on that one but nothing I can do to change it. I had to add to the above, Seven. Hope you don't mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 I am not saying this as any kind of disrespect but you come across as a very negative and bitter person when it comes to relationships and that can be a self fulfilling prophecy. At the end of the day the best way to a happy relationship is to put out the kind of energy you want to attract. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 If the person says "I don't want to get married" that means they are commitment phobic. At this point in the game, I am okay with the fact that I will not have kids. It was not my decision to remain this way, but these decisions were made for me by the men I have been and not been with. At this point in the game, I want to be with a man who wants to be with me in a LTR. If that means marriage, I am happy with that. If it means we are going to be in a LTR (as in I will be his gf for the next 25 years), I am fine with that as well. But I encounter nothing but guys who will not commit or who try to make it work with trash. You're contradicting yourself. You categorically state that a person who says they don't want to get married is commitment phobic. But you also say that you'd be happy as a girlfriend in a LTR for 25 years. Thing is though, if what you say about people who don't want to get married is true, then you won't find a 25 year defacto relationship. But we both know that there are some very long and happy defacto relationships. Anyway, you cut this guy off before you could even ascertain if he was open to a LTR. I'm really not at all surprised that you find yourself single. This one is on you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 No offense, but this seems awfully cold... I can see your reasoning... but... brrrr. I hope this attitude isn't too common among older men. I would imagine that it's more common in older men than younger ones. Younger ones haven't experienced divorce yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 I'd say 35 max....After 40(and I don't care what anyone says), it becomes very hard to have kids, both for men and women....The level of energy and involvement required is more than people can ever realize... TFY How is it then that a lottttt of kids are brought up by their grandparents? It may be difficult to conceive a baby but I don't think people post 40 have no energy to be involved. If you have a baby at 30, it is in your 40s when the kid is teenaged and needs the most involvement. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 How is it then that a lottttt of kids are brought up by their grandparents? It may be difficult to conceive a baby but I don't think people post 40 have no energy to be involved. If you have a baby at 30, it is in your 40s when the kid is teenaged and needs the most involvement. Because they are usually forced to, due to effed up parents, and they have to or the kids may wind up in foster homes..Perfect scenario.. And if you think you can chase around a rambunctious kid(s) when you are past 50 and your tired, your feet hurt and you have a bad back...good luck...Then you can humiliate yourself when your daughters friends think you are her grandma... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 Because they are usually forced to, due to effed up parents, and they have to or the kids may wind up in foster homes..Perfect scenario.. And if you think you can chase around a rambunctious kid(s) when you are past 50 and your tired, your feet hurt and you have a bad back...good luck...Then you can humiliate yourself when your daughters friends think you are her grandma... TFY :lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 I had to add to the above, Seven. Hope you don't mind. Fair points, but I've seen it more often where the man has more sizable assets and end up paying out more often. Also, judges are often WAY more sympathetic to the women in divorce cases. I was lucky in that I got a prenup and my ex did not fight it..though our assets were similar. Personally, if I was married to a woman with greater assets, I wouldn't want a dime from her if we split. I can take care of myself. It makes it scary to think of marriage when a lot of the women I've dated held no assets at all. As luck would have it, not a one since my last LTR has made me think about marriage at all 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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