mortensorchid Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 I was chatting with a man on Bumble tonight. Just "hi how are you" stuff. I asked him basic factual information (where do you live? what do you do? etc.). I am 43, he's 47 according to Bumble. I asked if he had ever been married before (because at this point it's almost a given unless you are in the category with me - in their 40s who's never been married before which according to some studies is a bracket that is increasing. And in recent years I have met a few guys (usually OLDs) who told me that they were married once for a bit, then divorced. But I digress, this guy ... He said he had never been married and had no kids. He said "I probably will not". Immediate red flag, ceased communication. If you think, ladies, that you are going to change his mind on this one once he meets you, you have another thing coming. If someone said something to me like this I know instantly this is a dead end. Guys, DON'T EVER SAY THIS TO A WOMAN. And if you have, you are probably wondering why you have always struck out. Fact. 1
newyorker11356 Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 But wouldn't a woman that doesn't want kids or marriage be alright with his answer? I'm assuming in your situation, you don't want kids, but marriage. Clearly, his answer turned you off as you want to be married someday, but a woman that doesn't would have likely proceeded with him. If anything, it's a good thing he was upfront with this, not a bad thing. 9
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 He said he had never been married and had no kids. He said "I probably will not". Immediate red flag, ceased communication. If you think, ladies, that you are going to change his mind on this one once he meets you, you have another thing coming. If someone said something to me like this I know instantly this is a dead end. Guys, DON'T EVER SAY THIS TO A WOMAN. And if you have, you are probably wondering why you have always struck out. Fact. Which part was offensive to you....the kids or marriage part?
Maggie4 Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 Oh but I like men (any age) that have never been married, no children, and I’m not looking for marriage. I’d take a never married man who’s open to the idea of marriage, over a once married man who says never again.
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 I told my present girlfriend on our second date, that I would never, ever get married. We have been dating 6 years... 1
Fair Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 But wouldn't a woman that doesn't want kids or marriage be alright with his answer? I'm assuming in your situation, you don't want kids, but marriage. Clearly, his answer turned you off as you want to be married someday, but a woman that doesn't would have likely proceeded with him. Don't know about this. It suggest commitment phobe... for any type of relationship, marriage or not. I'm in my 40's too and would ideally want to find someone not opposed to marriage. In fact, more and more now I find myself longing to 'belong' to someone... and never felt that way in my life before in the permanent sense. But now that I'm older, reality is beginning to hit. Who wants to grow old alone? I think you made the right call.
Fair Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 I told my present girlfriend on our second date, that I would never, ever get married. We have been dating 6 years... I'm going to assume you're both still fairly young, though. 20s or early 30's.
greymatter Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 I've been married and am now unmarried. I will likely never marry again but would be happy to have a committed partner. I don't see the problem with what he said, especially if there will be no kids in the picture. For me it's about having the relationship, not the legal status. You might be missing out on a great guy. 7
Flame Aura Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 What exactly is the problem? Not everybody wants the same thing. He did you a favour by being honest about it early on so you can go and find someone else who wants the same thing as you. 5
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 I'm going to assume you're both still fairly young, though. 20s or early 30's. I'm 52 and my girlfriend is older than me. 2
Fair Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 I'm 52 and my girlfriend is older than me. Well, it's personal choice. Sounds like the OP wants marriage.
Fair Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 I've been married and am now unmarried. I will likely never marry again but would be happy to have a committed partner. I don't see the problem with what he said, especially if there will be no kids in the picture. For me it's about having the relationship, not the legal status. You might be missing out on a great guy. I guess what I don't understand is, if a man is looking for a committed partner, why would they be so hands down opposed to marriage? It's one and the same thing, really. Unless you see no marriage vows as an easier escape... So if he balks at marriage... he could very well be a huge waste of time. Maybe not... but she can't know for certain... and after 40 women are less likely to want to gamble with their time.
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 Well, it's personal choice. Sounds like the OP wants marriage. Yes... the point I was making was the OP made a blanket statement that a guy that does not want to be married is a red flag. It depends on the woman... My girlfriend had been married once before and never wanted to re-marry. So we both have the same mindset. I imagine there are other women out there that are divorced or windowed that do not wish to re-marry, but want a long term relationship. 5
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 I guess what I don't understand is, if a man is looking for a committed partner, why would they be so hands down opposed to marriage? In my case, I don't want to live with another person. I want to live alone. Also, I don't want to put my assets/investments at risk. I've worked very hard all of my life and just early retired. That being said, I did put my girlfriend in my will. If I'm dead, I don't care who gets my assets/investments. 1
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 The guy in this scenario is 47, and never been married... Do you really have to ask if he will ever marry?? He is a confirmed bachelor, there is no reason for him to get married. Unless he's been incarcerated for 25 years, this 47 year old guy has dated, had relationships and had plenty of opportunities to get married. He has chosen to stay single!! He doesn't want to get married, and I commend him for being honest with the OP. 7
Fair Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 In my case, I don't want to live with another person. I want to live alone. Also, I don't want to put my assets/investments at risk. I've worked very hard all of my life and just early retired. That being said, I did put my girlfriend in my will. If I'm dead, I don't care who gets my assets/investments. No offense, but this seems awfully cold... I can see your reasoning... but... brrrr. I hope this attitude isn't too common among older men.
Fair Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 The guy in this scenario is 47, and never been married... Do you really have to ask if he will ever marry?? He is a confirmed bachelor, there is no reason for him to get married. Unless he's been incarcerated for 25 years, this 47 year old guy has dated, had relationships and had plenty of opportunities to get married. He has chosen to stay single!! He doesn't want to get married, and I commend him for being honest with the OP. No one is disputing he's to be commended for being honest. But she should also be commended for backing up. This is not what she wants which was her whole point in the first place. 1
Happy Lemming Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 No offense, but this seems awfully cold... I can see your reasoning... but... brrrr. I hope this attitude isn't too common among older men. So, its not COLD when a guy gets taken to the cleaners in a divorce. I can't speak for all older men, but the wiser ones stop thinking with their lower anatomy and started using their brains. 1
newyorker11356 Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 No one is disputing he's to be commended for being honest. But she should also be commended for backing up. This is not what she wants which was her whole point in the first place. Sure, but her point is that a guy shouldn't say that to any woman, which is false. It IS better if a guy says that upfront, so a woman that wants marriage (or kids) knows it.
greymatter Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 So, its not COLD when a guy gets taken to the cleaners in a divorce. I can't speak for all older men, but the wiser ones stop thinking with their lower anatomy and started using their brains. It's not just men who wise up to the downsides of marriage. I'm not likely to put my assets at risk just to be married again, there's no reason to. It's not cold or unromantic, its practical and smart to consider whether there are truly benefits to marriage these days. If yes and both people want it, great, but for some of us who have BTDT, marriage is not the end goal. Instead, a strong relationship is, that may or may or may not ever become legally binding. 6
Fair Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 So, its not COLD when a guy gets taken to the cleaners in a divorce. I can't speak for all older men, but the wiser ones stop thinking with their lower anatomy and started using their brains. Thankfully some still believe in love. 1
salparadise Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 He said "I probably will not". Immediate red flag, ceased communication. [...] I know instantly this is a dead end. Fact. I've done the same, and I'm an older man. I met a really nice, attractive woman several months ago and would definitely have been interested.... but, she said that she "probably would not want to ever live with anyone again," which I took to mean what it means, literally and figuratively. No marriage, no live-in arrangements, no deeply committed relationship, keeping her options open and waiting for the better deal... in her mid-fifties. Next. I can't think of anything less appealing than investing my time, emotion, and resources in a woman who only wants an arms-length association, and always on the lookout for a new infatuation. What a shame. There was one other behavior that kinda confirmed what she said. She's a music groupie –– wants to attend every festival and live performance in the area. She goes up in front of the stage and dances with whomever happens to be there and catches her eye. Not my style at all. You'd think that would be out of character for most people of a certain age, but whatever. The thing is, she saved me a lot of wasted time, energy and emotion by telling me who she was. She just needs to find herself a percussionist... and bang on his drums. 2
Chilli Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 l dunno if l'd take that too seriously tbh, women say the exact same thing all the time. But , if you happen to fall in love along the way that changes a lot of things, did it myself and had it back at the same time. Yet we both swore black and blue at the start no way, never again. 1
viatori patuit Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 (edited) And on serious note, the one thing that stands out is that all actions have a reaction. I was a pretty relaxed in my dating practices and I paid for it in lots of ways. While super harsh this guy is correct - there is no free lunch. While ones sexual past is no one's concern, a partner can judge us for our actions. Edited March 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
1fish2fish Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 OP, how long had you been chatting with him on Bumble? I'm wondering how it would have come across had he said, "I'd like to get married one day," or something like that. Would that have freaked you (or anyone else) out and made you think he was moving too fast by bringing it up? I know you asked him if had ever been married, but he volunteered the rest, right? Just wondering.
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