What should I do?

[salparadise]

donotmicrowave, I just now found your thread and read it all. First, I want to commend you for being an absolutely amazing person, wise beyond your years, and quite resilient. Even with the heavy, ongoing burden you are holding it together for yourself, you dad and your sister. The eldest child often takes on the role of primary caretaker and responsible adult, even when under too much stress, and in fact, will default to that role in times of stress.

 

But... your post about speeding on the motorcycle scared me, and it should serve as a wake-up call to you! It's time for you to intentionally manage the burden and practice self-care every single day, and make it your #1 priority. You can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of you first. Your dad and sis need you to be there for them, just as you need them. Please commit, and promise us right here, that you will never let them down by intentionally harming yourself or by allowing the burden to overwhelm you.

 

Talk to your therapist about it and develop strategies for copying and self-care. Hiking is great, and there are many other ways. Remember, none of this is your fault and you are not in control of everything and everybody all the time. Be kind to yourself and love yourself intentionally, practice positive self-talk and take time to pamper yourself too. You are worth it, you are amazing, and your dad especially (and sister) would be devastated if you weren't there for them. You have to take care of you FIRST, not last.

 

About the motorcycle... I am a long-time motorcyclist myself, like 35 years, with probably 350,000 miles of experience (also have a 22 year old daughter). I know some things. First, you must always be aware that motorcycles are inherently dangerous, sometimes fatal. They require skills, training, and specific awarenesses. I'll resist the temptation to relate everything I know about safety, but there is ONE point I have to make... never, ever get on that bike when you aren't at the top of your game. It requires all of your attention and focus, all of your physical skill and quick reactions, and your best conservative judgement. Also be aware that your frontal cortex is not fully developed until about age 25, which you need to compensate for by making the right decisions in advance and sticking to them.

 

The problem right now is that you're going through a terrible time, so you're never at the top of your game... and you have a new bike. I know you're not going to heed the never, ever warning above. So, how about a modified version? Never get on it when you're feeling like crap, relatively, and always allow an extra margin of safety (meaning slower than necessary), and full gear always.

 

Self love. You're worth it, you're appreciated and needed.

[donotmicrowave]

I feel bad for making you worried, but at the same time knowing that someone cares really warms my heart.

 

I met with my therapist today and told him everything. He adores me and was immediately worried. We talked about it for a while, and will talk some more soon. But I am angry. I am so very traumatized and angry. And whenever something like that happens (though this is the worst it’s been), I straight up need to go crazy. That’s partly what I did on the bike, till suicidal thoughts took over. I’ve always tested my boundaries to their absolute limits when something very hurtful happens, but I took it too far that day. And I have suicidal thoughts, which I lost control over.

 

I often thought that it’d be easier if I weren’t here and if something happened to me. But after getting so stupidly close to it, I realize how little I want it. I have lost so much, but what I have is so much more compared to what was lost. I still have that big bag of love that I want to share, not ready to go yet.

 

My therapist wanted to send me to a psychiatrist so that I could be prescribed anti-depressants. Very hesitant. I have been on different anti-depressants before and it hasn’t been good. The first month is dangerous with most anti-depressants - sadness and suicidal thoughts get more intense, usually. Then after that, for me, there is the zombie phase. No anger, no love, no sadness. Just nothing at all. I already wanted to quit after experiencing that for some months. I’d rather hurt and feel alive than just feel dead. But what always makes me quit is the sudden mood switch some months into the zombie-phase, that is constant and won’t go away. The switch is full of sadness, jealousy, anxiety, fear, irrational thoughts, it’s just bad. I just don’t think it’s worth it.

 

He also told me about some type of meds that I could take when the bad thoughts take over. Some type of tranquilizers. No experience. But as I got home from work sooner, I’m really seeing the effects everything has had on me. The flashbacks don’t even need the “reminderers” anymore to come torture me, I cannot sit still, have some weird OCD-like behavior..? If a curtain sits funny, I have to go move it. If a chair isn’t facing the table right, gotta fix that. If the blanket on the bed isn’t perfectly straight, I lose my mind. I also feel the need to count my steps, the amount of times I brush my hair, etc. It is exhausting, and I’ve never been like this. Everything around me tends to be an “organized chaos”, but now everything has to be neat.

 

But I’m glad to see there’s another bike nerd here! The bikes themselves and the gear/equipment are very familiar to me - though I’m missing this year’s summer season, I’ve been riding motocross since I was 10! We even had a photographer shoot a family picture of us with my dirt bikes (Simba and Kira).. But the problem is that I really don’t know myself. I had no idea all this mess had taken such a toll on me. Now I have an idea.. but no idea how to move past it.

 

Really need some time off.. Perhaps I’ll go to a different city and just spend time alone. I have no idea, I don’t know!

Edited May 29, 2018 by donotmicrowave

[Bryanp]

Hi,

 

I would like to make a possible suggestion. I was on anti-depressants for many years and did not like them as well. I also experienced the first month's issues as well. A year ago I went healthy and later came across something that is over the counter and sold at Amazon. It is called 5-HTP. It is inexpensive, natural and I have found highly effective. It is for depression and anxiety.

 

I strongly suggest that you read up about it. Since it is over the counter you will not need to go to a psychiatrist to write a prescription for it. I believe you will feel pleasantly surprised.

 

Stay strong.

[salparadise]

But I’m glad to see there’s another bike nerd here! The bikes themselves and the gear/equipment are very familiar to me - though I’m missing this year’s summer season, I’ve been riding motocross since I was 10! We even had a photographer shoot a family picture of us with my dirt bikes (Simba and Kira).. But the problem is that I really don’t know myself. I had no idea all this mess had taken such a toll on me. Now I have an idea.. but no idea how to move past it.

 

Really need some time off.. Perhaps I’ll go to a different city and just spend time alone. I have no idea, I don’t know!

 

You're in the acute phase of trauma and stress, so don't worry too much about the OCD quirks. They're sort of a coping thing and not harmful. They will probably subside as you equilibrate with passing time. Give yourself time and permission to feel the way you feel, knowing that you won't always feel this way. Give yourself a that break, however, I wonder if perhaps it would be better to remain in contact with friends and family. Isolation may not be good for you at this time––talk to your therapist about it.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have some experience. I was afraid that you were brand new to it, which is the most dangerous time. Is this your first road bike? Remember that sliding the back wheel through turns is not recommended . Careful about going in too hot. Brake before the turn and accelerate out. It's different. Countersteer and try not to chop throttle because you want the rear loaded through the turn. Just be really careful, please.

 

In the US we have the MSF (motorcycle safety foundation) courses everywhere, and they're really good. Do you all have an equivalent? You're beyond the beginner's course on skills, but there is still information you should have. It might be a fun few days, and beneficial, if you have an equivalent.

[Maraud3r]

I often thought that it’d be easier if I weren’t here and if something happened to me.

Easier for whom? For you? Maybe but you'd be gone, so at that point it being easier wouldn't really help you anymore and you'd lose all the good things you've had, have and will have in the next 60+ years.

 

For your family? I doubt it.

 

Just remember. None of this is your fault. You said "your mother went crazy" but I'd have to disagree here. She did not go crazy, she always was. It was just hidding under a thin layer of normalcy. The moment things didn't go as she wanted, the moment someone confronted her over what she was doing to your family and someone had the backbone to stand up to her the wheels came off and she spun out of control.

 

The other guy is a vile human being that needs to be locked up, not just for what he's done but to keep others save from him. However he wasn't a relative, he wasn't a parent, it wasn't his child who went through this and whom he actively exposed to such a thing and abetted it happening. Whenever you waver, whenever you think this might be your fault, that maybe she went crazy because of what happened. Just remember what kind of human being would let such a thing happen to it's own child just to scratch an itch and get some fun.

 

Honestly if she keeps showing up I'd get a restraining order. Don't underestimate how dangerous she can be because she's your mother. She's already proven it.

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

[merrmeade]

I am angry. I am so very traumatized and angry. And whenever something like that happens (though this is the worst it’s been), I straight up need to go crazy.

 

I’m really seeing the effects everything has had on me. The flashbacks don’t even need the “reminderers” anymore to come torture me,

 

But the problem is that I really don’t know myself. I had no idea all this mess had taken such a toll on me. Now I have an idea.. but no idea how to move past it.

 

Really need some time off.. Perhaps I’ll go to a different city and just spend time alone. I have no idea, I don’t know!

YES!! This is the idea of dealing with it now, not later. From what I've understood, depression can sometimes be the result of anger repressed. The time to do this is now. It's completely predictable; you should be angry. When these and other feelings come up, you validate yourSELF by allowing them. You will also learn who you are in these conversations with yourself and your therapist.

 

A journal is another 'ear.' When you develop thoughts on paper (or computer) you're exploring, acknowledging, feeling, expressing.

 

All this works together to help you BEGIN to heal and live YOUR life.

 

Keep thinking about things you'd like to do, where and with whom and then do some of them! You are a great kid with a phenomenal sense of goodness, self and health. Keep feeling, my dear.

[merrmeade]

I have suicidal thoughts, which I lost control over.

 

I often thought that it’d be easier if I weren’t here and if something happened to me. But after getting so stupidly closer to it, I realize how little I want it. I have lost so much, but what I have is so much more compared to what was lost. I still have that big bag of love that I want to share.!

You're seeing both ends of life and self - the nightmare and the dream. You have a choice. You certainly have the strength and wherewithal. Keep the bag - and your eyes - open.

[usa1ah]

Don’t microwave your brain with the drugs. I have always believed in talking things out and having someone around to love on.

 

Here is the thing. You couldn’t have stopped any of this. It happened.

 

Now where would your dad have been it you weren’t around?

 

Now I really am going into left field, if I’m off target let me know. Try a change of mindset. Stop caring for and trying to help your dad and just love on him. Enjoy the time together with him. Lay down the burden you have been carrying. Same with your sister. Just love on them.

 

At the same time love yourself.

 

My parents divorced when I was four because my mom cheated. At the time I blamed myself for my dad leaving. He was in the military and he wasn’t stationed near us. Anyway, it took awhile until I didn’t blame myself. Funny thing was, my dad never said a harsh word about my mom, my mom ripped my dad to shreds every chance she got.

 

Later little lady.

[donotmicrowave]

You're in the acute phase of trauma and stress, so don't worry too much about the OCD quirks. They're sort of a coping thing and not harmful. They will probably subside as you equilibrate with passing time. Give yourself time and permission to feel the way you feel, knowing that you won't always feel this way. Give yourself a that break, however, I wonder if perhaps it would be better to remain in contact with friends and family. Isolation may not be good for you at this time––talk to your therapist about it.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have some experience. I was afraid that you were brand new to it, which is the most dangerous time. Is this your first road bike? Remember that sliding the back wheel through turns is not recommended . Careful about going in too hot. Brake before the turn and accelerate out. It's different. Countersteer and try not to chop throttle because you want the rear loaded through the turn. Just be really careful, please.

 

In the US we have the MSF (motorcycle safety foundation) courses everywhere, and they're really good. Do you all have an equivalent? You're beyond the beginner's course on skills, but there is still information you should have. It might be a fun few days, and beneficial, if you have an equivalent.

 

Well, me and a friend have decided to take a little trip to his summer house this weekend - the weather is amazing and we will be right next to a beautiful lake! I'm very excited, I'm sure it will be very nice.

 

Athena is my second road bike, when I was 16 I had a cute 125cc Yamaha! About the turns.. Learned that the hard way hahah. Not only did I break, it was also raining. Was quite the waterslide!! Never had luck with Yamahas..

[donotmicrowave]

Easier for whom? For you? Maybe but you'd be gone, so at that point it being easier wouldn't really help you anymore and you'd lose all the good things you've had, have and will have in the next 60+ years.

 

For your family? I doubt it.

 

Just remember. None of this is your fault. You said "your mother went crazy" but I'd have to disagree here. She did not go crazy, she always was. It was just hidding under a thin layer of normalcy. The moment things didn't go as she wanted, the moment someone confronted her over what she was doing to your family and someone had the backbone to stand up to her the wheels came off and she spun out of control.

 

The other guy is a vile human being that needs to be locked up, not just for what he's done but to keep others save from him. However he wasn't a relative, he wasn't a parent, it wasn't his child who went through this and whom he actively exposed to such a thing and abetted it happening. Whenever you waver, whenever you think this might be your fault, that maybe she went crazy because of what happened. Just remember what kind of human being would let such a thing happen to it's own child just to scratch an itch and get some fun.

 

Honestly if she keeps showing up I'd get a restraining order. Don't underestimate how dangerous she can be because she's your mother. She's already proven it.

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

Definitely. The thoughts I've had are crazy and unacceptable to me. I'm becoming better at separating my feelings from reality, she really has been a crazy person all along.

 

Me and dad are planning to take action about the pedophile on Monday. Dad will prepare all the proof and the OM's wife is also coming along with us, as she also knows details and just wants to get him locked up. I'd never let anyone get away with it.

 

Haven't heard from mother for a few days now, thank God.

[donotmicrowave]

YES!! This is the idea of dealing with it now, not later. From what I've understood, depression can sometimes be the result of anger repressed. The time to do this is now. It's completely predictable; you should be angry. When these and other feelings come up, you validate yourSELF by allowing them. You will also learn who you are in these conversations with yourself and your therapist.

 

A journal is another 'ear.' When you develop thoughts on paper (or computer) you're exploring, acknowledging, feeling, expressing.

 

All this works together to help you BEGIN to heal and live YOUR life.

 

Keep thinking about things you'd like to do, where and with whom and then do some of them! You are a great kid with a phenomenal sense of goodness, self and health. Keep feeling, my dear.

 

Thank you! I am really starting to recognize what I'm feeling and thinking, and I hate all of it. I don't want to feel and think like I do now, which is why I've decided to do everything I can to start healing. I have started to open up to people, and it baffles me how many of them actually "see" me. I never thought I mattered this much. No one pities me, but my friends, coworkers and other acquaintances offer so much support to me and my family at this time. + the people (strangers!!) here on Loveshack, I could not be more grateful.

 

I have decided to volunteer in an animal shelter, I will start next week! Feeling positive about the future.

 

It's a good life.

[donotmicrowave]

Don’t microwave your brain with the drugs. I have always believed in talking things out and having someone around to love on.

 

Here is the thing. You couldn’t have stopped any of this. It happened.

 

Now where would your dad have been it you weren’t around?

 

Now I really am going into left field, if I’m off target let me know. Try a change of mindset. Stop caring for and trying to help your dad and just love on him. Enjoy the time together with him. Lay down the burden you have been carrying. Same with your sister. Just love on them.

 

At the same time love yourself.

 

My parents divorced when I was four because my mom cheated. At the time I blamed myself for my dad leaving. He was in the military and he wasn’t stationed near us. Anyway, it took awhile until I didn’t blame myself. Funny thing was, my dad never said a harsh word about my mom, my mom ripped my dad to shreds every chance she got.

 

Later little lady.

 

I truly am protective of my dad and little sis, I always want to take their pain away. But it truly is having a toll on me. Which, eventually, will end up having a toll on us all..

 

Next week will be a tough one, as we will be contacting the police about OM. But we will try to spend as much time together as possible. Already made plans to take my old dude to the racing track again so I could finally beat his best time..

 

I already have a lot of respect for your father. Not only did he serve his country, he sounds to have been an absolute saint in such a terrible situation. But this is where I'm glad that I'm an adult dealing with it - a little 4 year old child has no idea what's going on and I cannot imagine the damage it truly does. But I, on the other hand, know that my mother is a crazy entitled witch.. Makes it a hell of a lot easier.

 

I definitely don't want to get on any anti-depressants, but I read the reviews of 5-HTP and well, I got curious.. So I ordered some. And some other things.. Because, bloody hell, I've deserved it!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I never thought I mattered this much. No one pities me, but my friends, coworkers and other acquaintances offer so much support to me and my family at this time. + the people (strangers!!) here on Loveshack, I could not be more grateful.

 

 

Sometimes pain can be a gift. Not only are you feelin' the love :love:, but you're also learning so much about compassion and being a support to the "next person."

[merrmeade]

Thank you! I am really starting to recognize what I'm feeling and thinking, and I hate all of it. I don't want to feel and think like I do now, which is why I've decided to do everything I can to start healing. I have started to open up to people, and it baffles me how many of them actually "see" me. I never thought I mattered this much. No one pities me, but my friends, coworkers and other acquaintances offer so much support to me and my family at this time. + the people (strangers!!) here on Loveshack, I could not be more grateful.

 

I have decided to volunteer in an animal shelter, I will start next week! Feeling positive about the future.

 

It's a good life.

This is very encouraging, dnm. I believe in you, that you can turn all this awfulness into a fuller you and become the best you possible.

 

However (always a 'however'). This growth and development will not be a smooth, steady, easy or predictable movement forward. There could still be some difficult days with reminders that trigger upsets when you least expect it.

 

That episode on the motorcycle was a very serious wake-up call to just how deeply you've been shaken and how volatile and fragile you can be when least expected.

 

To cut to the chase: Don't dismiss altogether the idea of taking anti-depressants. The things that were said about them and alternatives are all true and reasonable except for one thing:

It would be a mistake to assume you're just fine, out of the woods, risk-free. The main thing is for you to survive

I'm just saying to keep your mind open and don't consider it a failure or weakness to take such a medication. It's better to survive on medicine than the alternative ...

[merrmeade]

Here's a compromise: You're fine until you're not. As long as things are status quo and your downs are not SO far down, well and good. But would it work to tell yourself that if there's even one more episode you will talk to someone about those options?

 

And remember: It is not a sign of weakness or failure to take any kind of medicine. And no one here will think any less of you. It's your decision with the support and guidance of your support team there with you in real life.

[donotmicrowave]

Sometimes pain can be a gift. Not only are you feelin' the love :love:, but you're also learning so much about compassion and being a support to the "next person."

 

Life is the best teacher there is! I will definitely take all this, no matter how much it hurts, and use it to become a better person.

[donotmicrowave]

This is very encouraging, dnm. I believe in you, that you can turn all this awfulness into a fuller you and become the best you possible.

 

However (always a 'however'). This growth and development will not be a smooth, steady, easy or predictable movement forward. There could still be some difficult days with reminders that trigger upsets when you least expect it.

 

That episode on the motorcycle was a very serious wake-up call to just how deeply you've been shaken and how volatile and fragile you can be when least expected.

 

To cut to the chase: Don't dismiss altogether the idea of taking anti-depressants. The things that were said about them and alternatives are all true and reasonable except for one thing:

It would be a mistake to assume you're just fine, out of the woods, risk-free. The main thing is for you to survive

I'm just saying to keep your mind open and don't consider it a failure or weakness to take such a medication. It's better to survive on medicine than the alternative ...

 

There will definitely be more serious bumps on the road to come, but I’m also somewhat grateful for it. I wouldn’t learn or spend more time loving the people around me if everything went smoothly and I was fine right away.

 

I’m working on finding ways to deal with the hurt. When there are flashbacks or random mood swings, I simply call a friend or draw all my emotions on a piece of paper (am an “artsy” person..), coming on LoveShack also helps me a ton!! So glad I found this website.

 

Regarding anti-depressants, I would get on them right away if I knew they’d help me. Mental illnesses are very real and need to be cured, but the treatment really does vary and some things just don’t work for everyone. I’ve heard of people who have had great success with anti-depressants, but all 3 different ones that I’ve been on have driven me into a terrible place. So it’s a very difficult decision..

[donotmicrowave]

I used to have guinea pigs.. Awesome pets. I taught them tricks (shake paw, do a spin etc), all the vets loved my piggies as they were very polite and never bit anyone! They were so smart and everyone adored them.

 

I’m currently sitting outside a pet shop with the biggest dilemma. There are two very sweet pigs sitting in there and I don’t know if I should buy them and give them a nice home or if I should just go!! I’ve wanted pets for so long and small ones like guinea pigs are allowed in my apartment..

 

I’m losing my mind!

[donotmicrowave]

Update:

 

I could not control my emotions and I now have two guinea pigs.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Update:

 

I could not control my emotions and I now have two guinea pigs.

 

:lmao: Names?

[usa1ah]

I truly am protective of my dad and little sis, I always want to take their pain away. But it truly is having a toll on me. Which, eventually, will end up having a toll on us all..

 

Next week will be a tough one, as we will be contacting the police about OM. But we will try to spend as much time together as possible. Already made plans to take my old dude to the racing track again so I could finally beat his best time..

 

I already have a lot of respect for your father. Not only did he serve his country, he sounds to have been an absolute saint in such a terrible situation. But this is where I'm glad that I'm an adult dealing with it - a little 4 year old child has no idea what's going on and I cannot imagine the damage it truly does. But I, on the other hand, know that my mother is a crazy entitled witch.. Makes it a hell of a lot easier.

 

I definitely don't want to get on any anti-depressants, but I read the reviews of 5-HTP and well, I got curious.. So I ordered some. And some other things.. Because, bloody hell, I've deserved it!

 

My childhood made me the man I am today, I have no regrets. It force me to face life at an early age and I am grateful for that part.

 

All for a natural remedy. I haven’t read anything in it.

 

You deserve all the happiness you can stand.

 

I we be thinking of you next week. Burn the sob to the f’n ground.

 

It is very hard for a protective nature to back off and just love the ones we do. But the first time the protection is rebuffed it will cut to the heart.

 

Talk with your therapist about this. See if they have any suggestions on how to back down some so a split doesn’t occur. Some times you just have to let go and just love them. Trust me on this.

[donotmicrowave]

:lmao: Names?

 

I have decided to name them Minnie and Bonnie! They’re very young and still a bit shy around me, but I’m gaining their trust with cucumbers and carrots:love:

 

I’ll be building them a cage on my own - can do that in the factury. It will be the most luxurious piggy cage ever.

[donotmicrowave]

Just got back from the police. Longest 3 hours of my life. We're all struggling right now, they asked a lot of questions and made me talk about all of it. I know that's what they have to do, but it was so hurtful.

 

Taking my dad to my apartment to introduce him to the pigs. He's glad I got them, he just started laughing and hugged me when I told him about them, so I'm glad, too.

 

Little sis is also thrilled about them. She loves guinea pigs.

[usa1ah]

Glad you got through it.

 

Love on your family, it will help.

 

Later

[merrmeade]

It was the “longest three hours of my life” signals very significant event to me. Can you tell somebody about the police interview, somebody who will let you cry and will cry with you? Guinea pigs, your sister and dad are also part of the healing, but don’t try to “move on” from ordeals so fast. Process it with someone. To me that means TELL the story to someone who knows how to really listen. You’ve done this a couple of times—report a horrific, gut-wrenching life event that would unbalance the most well adjusted adult and then switch gears a little too fast. These events will come back to bite you if you ignore them. You have to get mad at them and throw them out first. THEN when you turn and embrace the joy, it’ll have your full and undivided attention.