What should I do?

[Buckeye2]

There is a guy that has posted his story on several sites. His mom and siblings would spend the summer at a family resort. His dad worked in New York and saw them on the weekends. It was like the set up in the movie “Dirty Dancing.”

 

He saw his mom in bed with the pool boy. He was so young that he didn’t know what was going on. He didn’t figure it out until he had sex ed in school the next year.

 

He never told anyone. His father is now dead and his mom is 90 years old. He never even told his mom. The guy is now so messed up over this. Don’t be that guy.

[donotmicrowave]

I don't know. Perhaps, after 15 years everybody involved regrets their behavior back then & doesn't want to be judged now.

 

Maybe it was secret.

 

What do you really want here -- for him to leave you alone or to bring what you view as your parents' past transgressions into the light of day? If you want this guy to leave you alone, talk to your mom about the behavior. If you want to blow up your parents' marriage because you THINK you know what's best for your father, go ahead embarrass everybody. Personally I think you should stay out of it. But if you can't, speak to your dad privately but then let him make his own decisions & support him even if he wants to stay with your mother. It's their marriage, not yours & you can't impose your morality on their choices.

 

I don't view it as "wanting to blow up my parents's marriage and embarrassing everyone". I, personally, find that I'm no one to keep secrets like that from my father, who has respected me and loved me for almost 20 years, no matter what I've done.

 

As Marc stated, not telling would make me betray my father as well.

 

I completely understand your point, because as I stated, my parents seem very happy. My dad IS happy. Which is why I came here, all confused. This isn't really about me or my ideas of morality, I know my father is disgusted by infidelity.

 

Please don't make it sound like this is all about me. I've always tried to explain that I love my father and want what's best for him, I'm sorry if you can't see that. But it's not like I want to hurt or embarrass anyone.

[d0nnivain]

You gotta get this creepy guy away from you. That is priority # 1.

 

If you feel that you must tell your dad, tell him Just exercise some diplomacy. Be gentle when you reveal what you know. Support your dad even if he decides to stay with your mom.

[BarbedFenceRider]

But it is about YOU. YOU posted on here...

 

If it is an "open" whatever...Why did they hide it from you? Like you wouldn't notice...Then, if it was soooo open, why did OM start making advances on you. Thats a no go...And I have a daughter.

 

Then like marc said...IF dad did get the horns hung on him. And he was just oblivious or in denial. You have to get truth in your relationship with him and your mom. Regardless, how are you supposed to be looking for guidance with relationships if it is all muddled at home with secrets and lies....

[donotmicrowave]

But it is about YOU. YOU posted on here...

 

If it is an "open" whatever...Why did they hide it from you? Like you wouldn't notice...Then, if it was soooo open, why did OM start making advances on you. Thats a no go...And I have a daughter.

 

Then like marc said...IF dad did get the horns hung on him. And he was just oblivious or in denial. You have to get truth in your relationship with him and your mom. Regardless, how are you supposed to be looking for guidance with relationships if it is all muddled at home with secrets and lies....

 

The only thing about me here is that I feel guilty. As if I already have betrayed my father. I've always been "protective" of my dad, it's chewing on me that someone would disrespect him.

 

The truth tends to always come out anyway, sooner or later. And as was stated earlier, I wouldn't want my father to see me and think "She knew all along" or anything like that.

[donotmicrowave]

I've just gotten home from work. Pretty disgusted, so here it is.

 

I've been working overtime lately, did so tonight as well. The Jerkasaurus/OM showed up in my office after everyone had left, very submissive, and asked if we could talk. I'm pretty darn sure he was just going to try and convince me to keep my mouth shut. So I simply said that I was busy and put my headphones on.

 

I see him leave the office right after, then later that evening I get a few e-mails from him.

 

First one. He never mentioned the affair itself, but kept telling me how he was "struggling so much" all those years ago, how he got addicted to alcohol, and was so angry all the time. Splendid.

 

Then he wrote another very long e-mail about how he'd hold me and hug me after these parties him and the adults had when I was little, as I was crying a lot. He said I looked terrified and he felt bad for me. He also made sure to write a lot about how I didn't fight it at all and was okay with it.

 

The third e-mail was all about telling me I don't need my ex-boyfriend, how I'm too beautiful for a boyfriend anyway, how I look so young and fit (he said that). That I should enjoy life and not care.

 

In the FOURTH e-mail he told me how he loves his daughter, how he wanted to have more children so bad, how he works and harms himself with work only for his child. And that I'm lucky to have my parents, that I should let my dad buy me a car, as I keep saying that I want to buy my own.

 

All of these e-mails were very long and fairly disturbing to read. I think he's lost the plot completely.

 

As for confronting mother, she left early tonight, so I missed her. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

 

Thank you all for giving me ideas and advice, all sorts of it. I'm very grateful.

[BarbedFenceRider]

My spidey senses are going crazy now! That guy is perv city....Something ain't right here.

 

You need to make copies of those emails and keep them handy. You also, need to be wary around this fellow. Make sure you keep yourself in a safe place and have defined boundaries. He is NOT allowed to get too close to you and your personal stuff. Do not brush this off. And you need to tell your DAD...NOW. Someone, needs to see the emails and hear your story.

 

And no, I'm not overreacting...I work in commercial/ personal security...This behavior would warrant a visit from my group at work immediately.

[Marc878]

I've just gotten home from work. Pretty disgusted, so here it is.

 

I've been working overtime lately, did so tonight as well. The Jerkasaurus/OM showed up in my office after everyone had left, very submissive, and asked if we could talk. I'm pretty darn sure he was just going to try and convince me to keep my mouth shut. So I simply said that I was busy and put my headphones on.

 

He's trying to keep you quiet

 

I see him leave the office right after, then later that evening I get a few e-mails from him.

 

First one. He never mentioned the affair itself, but kept telling me how he was "struggling so much" all those years ago, how he got addicted to alcohol, and was so angry all the time. Splendid.

 

Pity party looks for ways to keep your mouth shut.

 

Then he wrote another very long e-mail about how he'd hold me and hug me after these parties him and the adults had when I was little, as I was crying a lot. He said I looked terrified and he felt bad for me. He also made sure to write a lot about how I didn't fight it at all and was okay with it.

 

Trying to play you to keep you quiet

 

The third e-mail was all about telling me I don't need my ex-boyfriend, how I'm too beautiful for a boyfriend anyway, how I look so young and fit (he said that). That I should enjoy life and not care.

 

Attempting to gain favor to keep you quiet

 

In the FOURTH e-mail he told me how he loves his daughter, how he wanted to have more children so bad, how he works and harms himself with work only for his child. And that I'm lucky to have my parents, that I should let my dad buy me a car, as I keep saying that I want to buy my own.

 

Poor me keep my lies safe

 

All of these e-mails were very long and fairly disturbing to read. I think he's lost the plot completely.

 

As for confronting mother, she left early tonight, so I missed her. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

 

Thank you all for giving me ideas and advice, all sorts of it. I'm very grateful.

 

Sorry you were put in this situation but your father needs you now. He has no one else

[Marc878]

The only thing about me here is that I feel guilty. As if I already have betrayed my father. I've always been "protective" of my dad, it's chewing on me that someone would disrespect him.

 

The truth tends to always come out anyway, sooner or later. And as was stated earlier, I wouldn't want my father to see me and think "She knew all along" or anything like that.

 

The truth is always best. He'll understand you. People like this are snakes. It could even be ongoing.

 

It's your defining moment. Don't be a coconspirator in this.

 

You have to live with yourself too

[BTDT2012]

Then he wrote another very long e-mail about how he'd hold me and hug me after these parties him and the adults had when I was little, as I was crying a lot. He said I looked terrified and he felt bad for me. He also made sure to write a lot about how I didn't fight it at all and was okay with it.

 

This is disturbing. I sounds like something inappropriate happened when you were a small child.

 

I think you should at least tell your father that he is hitting on you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This is disturbing. I sounds like something inappropriate happened when you were a small child.

 

I think you should at least tell your father that he is hitting on you.

 

This is what I was thinking! Is there a chance you've repressed something that HE remembers and is now trying to rationalize??? This guy sounds like a creep.

[Be_Strong]

This is what I was thinking! Is there a chance you've repressed something that HE remembers and is now trying to rationalize??? This guy sounds like a creep.

 

I thought the same thing. Every one of those emails he sent reads as if he is very nervous about you remembering him molesting you as a child. The first regarding alcoholism is to excuse his behavior, the second is him arguing that you wanted it (that email is beyond creepy), the third is to flatter you and convince you that you’ve turned out great so no harm done, the fourth is to let you know that he’s not a creep because he has his own daughter that he is great with. The fourth also is a way of telling you that if you reveal his past indiscretions, his daughter could be hurt by it.

[d0nnivain]

This guy is definitely off. Do print out the emails & take a set home for safe keeping. Also save the electronic versions.

 

 

Now tell your dad & let's get this creep out of the company.

[donotmicrowave]

This is disturbing. I sounds like something inappropriate happened when you were a small child.

 

I think you should at least tell your father that he is hitting on you.

 

This is what I was thinking! Is there a chance you've repressed something that HE remembers and is now trying to rationalize??? This guy sounds like a creep.

 

I thought the same thing. Every one of those emails he sent reads as if he is very nervous about you remembering him molesting you as a child. The first regarding alcoholism is to excuse his behavior, the second is him arguing that you wanted it (that email is beyond creepy), the third is to flatter you and convince you that you’ve turned out great so no harm done, the fourth is to let you know that he’s not a creep because he has his own daughter that he is great with. The fourth also is a way of telling you that if you reveal his past indiscretions, his daughter could be hurt by it.

 

I have to say, I'm actually with all of you. I have thought about the possibility of this every now and then for years since I barely remember my childhood. I definitely remember being where they partied, and I remember everyone but him. All I remember about him is his garage where he and his family had two bunnies. I remember other nice men greeting me, hugging me and lifting me up and playing with me, but nothing of him, though he was always there.

 

Till the age of 13 I couldn't sleep alone in my room, I slept on my parents's floor on a mattress. Sometimes I sneaked in there and just slept on the floor as it wasn't exactly normal for a 13 year old to sleep with parents. I don't remember why I couldn't sleep alone. Though that changed when I got a guinea pig. But the timing and the tone of the e-mails are also very strange.

 

In the present, though I am only 19, I have a hard time being with men and have pretty bad attachment issues (working on it with therapy). Maybe this is all nonsense, maybe not, I have no idea. How could I know?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have to say, I'm actually with all of you. I have thought about the possibility of this every now and then for years since I barely remember my childhood. I definitely remember being where they partied, and I remember everyone but him. All I remember about him is his garage where he and his family had two bunnies. I remember other nice men greeting me, hugging me and lifting me up and playing with me, but nothing of him, though he was always there.

 

Till the age of 13 I couldn't sleep alone in my room, I slept on my parents's floor on a mattress. Sometimes I sneaked in there and just slept on the floor as it wasn't exactly normal for a 13 year old to sleep with parents. I don't remember why I couldn't sleep alone. Though that changed when I got a guinea pig. But the timing and the tone of the e-mails are also very strange.

 

In the present, though I am only 19, I have a hard time being with men and have pretty bad attachment issues (working on it with therapy). Maybe this is all nonsense, maybe not, I have no idea. How could I know?

 

I was like that as a teenager. My family moved from one state to another when I was 12, and from then until I was in college, and maybe even some during college, I'd start out in my own room, but end up in my sister's bed every night. I was terrified to sleep alone. My bedroom was the first one at the top of the steps and I was scared of someone breaking into the house and harming me.

 

I'd bring this stuff up with your therapist. Show him/her the emails for sure. Be_Strong's analysis semes spot-on.

[donotmicrowave]

Tomorrow, me and dad will spend time together, working on a summerhouse he's decided to build. After that, we'll head to work.

 

Right now I'm thinking of confronting my mother first. About the affair, the truth and his behavior towards me. Then, depending on how she reacts, my dad will be next.

 

I'm honestly terrified. I don't want anyone to hurt. But I'm 99% sure my dad doesn't know my mother's been physical with another man. Even better, his friend.

 

I just want the truth to come out. And I hope that things will be okay for all of us. If you have any suggestions/different ideas, I'd love to hear them. Thanks, all.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Tomorrow, me and dad will spend time together, working on a summerhouse he's decided to build. After that, we'll head to work.

 

Right now I'm thinking of confronting my mother first. About the affair, the truth and his behavior towards me. Then, depending on how she reacts, my dad will be next.

 

I'm honestly terrified. I don't want anyone to hurt. But I'm 99% sure my dad doesn't know my mother's been physical with another man. Even better, his friend.

 

I just want the truth to come out. And I hope that things will be okay for all of us. If you have any suggestions/different ideas, I'd love to hear them. Thanks, all.

 

This is a tough one, I have to say. 19 years old is WAY too young to expect you to carry these secrets for the rest of your life (without it affecting you in a major way) so I'm totally on board with getting the truth out. But, there are a lot of layers here. I'd be interested to hear the opinions of others here about you approaching your mother first with the behavior of this man toward you in the workplace and see what she has to say about it. If she completely blows you off, tell her what you know, show her the emails, give her the chance to tell your dad so you don't have to. Hopefully she won't guilt trip you into keeping her secret and/or doing anything about the perv's present behavior.

 

Many moons ago, when I was just a little older than you, my twin sister was overseas for several months. During that time I found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. I confronted him and gave him the opportunity to tell her himself, and gave him a deadline. He was a coward and didn't do it. So I told her. It was very sad, but she had to know . (He's now still married to the other girl).

 

Your mother's first inclination will probably be to deny, deny, deny, and then beg you not to "rock the boat." You will need to make it clear how this will emotionally affect you if you are forced to sweep this under the rug.

[Adotta]

Tomorrow, me and dad will spend time together, working on a summerhouse he's decided to build. After that, we'll head to work.

 

Right now I'm thinking of confronting my mother first. About the affair, the truth and his behavior towards me. Then, depending on how she reacts, my dad will be next.

 

I'm honestly terrified. I don't want anyone to hurt. But I'm 99% sure my dad doesn't know my mother's been physical with another man. Even better, his friend.

 

I just want the truth to come out. And I hope that things will be okay for all of us. If you have any suggestions/different ideas, I'd love to hear them. Thanks, all.

 

Your father should know nomatter what your mother says. Anything she says will be lies and blame shifting and manipulation. Don't let her do it to you. She will push for you to pity her. She will ask you to keep the secret. She doesn't want to lose the security your father offers.

 

As it is now your father is basicly her servant. He isn't a husband. He's being treated as a patsy. Don't let it continue. Your mother does not care about your father. She has been doing this for too long to have any morals left.

 

Here is how you can tell if she is lying or not. Her lips will be moving.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your mother does not care about your father.

 

I don't think I'd go that far. Does she care ENOUGH about him? No.

[Try]

Tomorrow, me and dad will spend time together, working on a summerhouse he's decided to build. After that, we'll head to work.

 

Right now I'm thinking of confronting my mother first.

Tell your Dad first. If you tell your Mom first, she will tell you that if you tell this story to your Dad it will be the end of your relationship with her, which will put you in direct violation of her demand when you eventually tell your Dad the full truth when she does not. If you tell your Dad without telling your Mom first, she will be mad, but since she would not have had the opportunity to threaten you, you will not be directly going against her demand. It seems small but it is actually big. Also, she and the other man will coordinate their stories claiming that you were young and are not remembering correctly.

 

Tell you Dad when you alone with him before work,

[Adotta]

I don't think I'd go that far. Does she care ENOUGH about him? No.

 

Semantics.

[Whoknew30]

I’m a child of infidelity...I know many things about multiple people in family, including my father & I’ve never said a word. I’ll tell you why. Other people’s sins are not my own, not moral sins (not talking about crimes that you can call the police about). You haven’t betrayed anyone, Switzerland isn’t considered a access of evil bc they stay out of the world’s issues.

 

This guy is sending you inappropriate emails & works for your dad. I’m pretty sure your dad isn’t going to keep him around, once he hears that. Your mother is probably not only going to upset a man is bothering you in that way but a guy she’s been intimate with...can you think of a worse punishment & embarrassment than that? If you want this guy gone, the ball is in your court.

 

At the end of the day, your parents marriage isn’t your relationship. You have no idea what was going on, you have no idea if your father has ever had an affair himself...sometimes kids really don’t know what goes on behind their parents closed door. If you want to tell, it’s a 100% your decision but you won’t be able to walk away from the after effect & there are several possibilities of what can happen. Your parents can divorce, they can go through hell & still stay together, it can cause a rift in extended family (bc people just love to thrive off of others issues), you can open Pandora’s box to more secrets coming out.

 

Just be careful bc anyone giving advice will not be the one with you or there for you when going through any of this...good luck with your decision.

[Be_Strong]

I agree with Try. Don’t go to your mother first about the affair. Your goal here appears to be simply getting this information off of your chest and letting your father know what happened. If you simply go to your father and tell him what you know, you’ve accomplished that goal. I don’t think there’s any reason to ever bring it up with your mom. By going to your mother, you are actually involving yourself in the relationship between your parents unnecessarily, and as Try mentioned, possibly putting yourself in a really bad spot with your mother.

 

However, with respect to all the creepy stuff currently going on with the OM, you absolutely can and should tell your mother about it after telling your father.

[road]

Tell your dad first. Let him handle the OM and your mom/WW.

[Marc878]

Tell your dad first. Let him handle the OM and your mom/WW.

 

Yes, that will only give them a heads up to cover each other if they haven't already