What should I do?

[JuneL]

OP: Do you feel resentful that your dad has been tolerating your mother’s outrageous behaviors (letting her walk all over him, letting her bully you, letting her flirt openly with another man, maintaining friendship with such a toxic man)? Have you always been the one to protect your dad instead of the other way round?

Edited March 22, 2018 by JuneL

[Marc878]

Well, my dad is the owner of the company, and he'll know tonight.

 

He knew something was up with my mother and the OM for sure. As he stated, he suspected. Perhaps he didn't want to believe it and was in denial, I have no idea! But that's the past, gotta move forward now.

 

The truth fixes a lot of things. It may not be comfortable but long term you'll find it'll be like a breath of fresh air.

 

Do what's right and let the consequences fall where they may.

 

There is never an excuse for bad behavior.

 

Stay strong. Always honor your values.

[donotmicrowave]

OP: Do you feel resentful that your dad has been tolerating your mother’s outrageous behaviors (letting her walk all over him, letting her bully you, letting her flirt openly with another man, maintaining friendship with such a toxic man)? Have you always been the one to protect your dad instead of the other way round?

 

I was resentful and pissed off for a long time. He didn't only let her, he supported her most of the time.

 

But I decided that I don't want to be like that. I didn't want to walk around with my nose up high and hurt others, just because I could. The bullying and cruelty that I received made me very loving and caring, instead of bitter and revengeful. And with the help of therapy, I'm getting over my anger and hurt! I'll never forget any of it, but I won't allow the past to hurt me any longer. I have too much love to share, no time for bitterness. Does that make sense?

[donotmicrowave]

The truth fixes a lot of things. It may not be comfortable but long term you'll find it'll be like a breath of fresh air.

 

Do what's right and let the consequences fall where they may.

 

There is never an excuse for bad behavior.

 

Stay strong. Always honor your values.

 

I have to thank you, Marc! I feel very motivated after reading this. I know I'll look back at this one day and be proud of myself.

 

Off to dad's!!

[Cephalopod]

I think you are a very brave young woman. Your dad is lucky to have you. Has he contacted and spoken with your mom?

[Try]

He knew something was up with my mother and the OM for sure. As he stated, he suspected. Perhaps he didn't want to believe it and was in denial, I have no idea! But that's the past, gotta move forward now.

As you will see in other threads in the infidelity section of this site, many people that suspect that their spouse is cheating are often advised not to confront without irrefutable proof. Your Dad's gut told him that something was wrong, but your mom and her other man (OM) never gave him that proof. Also, I am sure that like most cheaters, they both gaslighted your Dad big time when he asked questions telling him that he was crazy to even think such a horrible thing. Your Mom gave you a sample of that when she stormed into your office. The truth is that major studies show that most affairs go completely undetected, and that most affairs that are suspected are never proven; thus your Dad suspecting but never proving it is the norm. You giving your Dad the irrefutable proof that he needed is probably a great relief to him, that has allowed him to know that he was not going crazy suspecting all these years. H can finally act with confidence that he is doing the right thing.

[donotmicrowave]

Saw my dad last night. He’s like a ghost. I’m worried he’s going to turn to alcohol, he’s always had a tendency to drink, and last night there were bottles in his room. We were catching up, talked about work a little bit and such. He hasn’t talked to my mother, but she keeps calling and texting him, I witnessed the phone going off quite a lot when I was there.

 

Telling him about the OM and showing him the video + e-mails has been the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to do. It hurts me so much to see my dad going through all of this as well. I tried to act tough, I don’t think I did a good job though.

 

The OM will get fired. He’ll be gone. But we’re all so damaged. I realized that I don’t really know how to help my father. I’ll love him as hard as I can, but my old man, the tough businessman, former wrestler, is broken. He feels so „little“ to me now.

 

All in all, my dad reacted with rage. He kicked things off the table, and then just broke down. It feels to me like he’s blaming himself.

 

 

As for today, mother and the OM are still gone. I’ll meet my little sister in a few hours. I’m so exhausted, but I’ll have to figure out how to handle the situation with her. I want her to hurt as little as possible.

 

Feeling pretty weak.

Edited March 23, 2018 by donotmicrowave

[JuneL]

OP: Can you arrange therapy for your father?

[donotmicrowave]

OP: Can you arrange therapy for your father?

 

Talked about it with him. He's one of those cookies who say it wouldn't work, he doesn't like the sound of it, yadi-yadi-yada.

 

I'm going to insist though.. And keep insisting if he still declines. I'm stubborn.

[Adotta]

Talked about it with him. He's one of those cookies who say it wouldn't work, he doesn't like the sound of it, yadi-yadi-yada.

 

I'm going to insist though.. And keep insisting if he still declines. I'm stubborn.

 

Tell him it's not really just about what the therapist says as much as it is about him being able to talk about what's in his head to a third party who has no irons in the fire. Tell him he can't bottle it up.

 

He needs to talk.

[Marc878]

Sounds like it's an ongoing long term affair.

 

Take care of yourself first only then can you be there for your father, sister.

[BluesPower]

Saw my dad last night. He’s like a ghost. I’m worried he’s going to turn to alcohol, he’s always had a tendency to drink, and last night there were bottles in his room. We were catching up, talked about work a little bit and such. He hasn’t talked to my mother, but she keeps calling and texting him, I witnessed the phone going off quite a lot when I was there.

 

Telling him about the OM and showing him the video + e-mails has been the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to do. It hurts me so much to see my dad going through all of this as well. I tried to act tough, I don’t think I did a good job though.

 

The OM will get fired. He’ll be gone. But we’re all so damaged. I realized that I don’t really know how to help my father. I’ll love him as hard as I can, but my old man, the tough businessman, former wrestler, is broken. He feels so „little“ to me now.

 

All in all, my dad reacted with rage. He kicked things off the table, and then just broke down. It feels to me like he’s blaming himself.

 

As for today, mother and the OM are still gone. I’ll meet my little sister in a few hours. I’m so exhausted, but I’ll have to figure out how to handle the situation with her. I want her to hurt as little as possible.

 

Feeling pretty weak.

 

I know you are hurting as well... and I hate to say it because I realize that it is hard, but you are going to have to stay strong for your dad and sister.

 

I know that you can do it, you have already been so strong. There will be more time to cry later.

 

I understand that this is so hard, but you have to hang in there.

 

If you have time, read the infidelity threads here for a little bit. It will give you some insight as to how your dad is feeling.

 

I will give you the basics. And some of this may be hard to hear:

 

1) He does not feel like a man anymore. He feels like a fool in every facet of the word. He may have suspected or been in denial, but now he knows.

 

And, knowing is way, way different. He feels like he has wasted his life with a woman that does not love him, and he is right. This is one of the most difficult parts to deal with.

 

2) He now believes (and rightly so) that his entire marriage has been a lie. He loved your mother, and a part of him still may.

 

Further, I know that you still love your mother, but what you have to accept is that she is not a good person, and I am sorry to say that.

 

She has single handedly destroyed your family and your father because she is a selfish person. She could have divorced your father and they could have been together. But no, she chose to go this route.

 

3) Do not let your mother get to him in person under any circumstances. She will lie, and manipulate him into not divorcing her. You cannot let this happen.

 

4) As hard as this part is, your father has to file for divorce on Monday if possible. There is no way that any man can recover from this type of long term affair and still have an ounce of self-respect. Others on this board may disagree, but I am telling you that he will not be able to get over this.

 

The one thing that will help if filing for divorce and taking her to the cleaners. That will help him get over some but not all of this. This betrayal will be with him for the rest of his life, there is just no way around that.

 

5) Your father will be weak for a while, and that is why you have to be strong for him. So you have to insist that he goes to get counseling. You have to insist that he file for divorce. You have to take charge.

 

End of list for now...........

 

Have you spoken to your mother yet? This is what you need to tell her. DO NOT COME HOME, if she is even considering it.

 

When you speak to her you need to ask what things you need to pack a where to have them shipped. And when that is done you need to get your father home so you can watch him.

 

Have you told the other man's wife yet. If not, gather your evidence and tell her. She deservers to know. The further benefit is that OM is going to get his balls ripped off by her and it will keep your mom and him off of their game.

 

I understand that the things I am saying sound rash and harsh, but this is the way that it is. This will all help your father, and he is the one that matters here.

 

Stay strong, you are all your father has now...

[Be_Strong]

I just want to second the advice that BluesPower has given. It’s spot on. Also, with respect to filing for divorce, it’s probably not practical to file on Monday, but you can definitely assist your father by finding a good local divorce attorney and making an appointment for him to meet with the attorney on Monday.

 

Divorces that involve a business co-owned by spouses are usually the most complicated divorces. Thankfully, here, the youngest child is 16, so there are no young children to worry about.

[Try]

Your father will be weak for a while, and that is why you have to be strong for him. So you have to insist that he goes to get counseling. You have to insist that he file for divorce. You have to take charge.

Have you spoken to your mother yet? This is what you need to tell her. DO NOT COME HOME, if she is even considering it.

 

When you speak to her you need to ask what things you need to pack a where to have them shipped

I usually agree with you, but I do not in this case. Although I appreciate where you are coming from, the OP should not do what you are recommending. The OP has no right to kick her Mom out of the house, pack her bags, or to take charge of this. These are things that the OP's father needs to decide to do or not do.

 

As encouraged by me and others, she told her Dad and supported him. That is all that she should do.

[Whoknew30]

I know you are hurting as well... and I hate to say it because I realize that it is hard, but you are going to have to stay strong for your dad and sister.

 

I know that you can do it, you have already been so strong. There will be more time to cry later.

 

I understand that this is so hard, but you have to hang in there.

 

If you have time, read the infidelity threads here for a little bit. It will give you some insight as to how your dad is feeling.

 

I will give you the basics. And some of this may be hard to hear:

 

1) He does not feel like a man anymore. He feels like a fool in every facet of the word. He may have suspected or been in denial, but now he knows.

 

And, knowing is way, way different. He feels like he has wasted his life with a woman that does not love him, and he is right. This is one of the most difficult parts to deal with.

 

2) He now believes (and rightly so) that his entire marriage has been a lie. He loved your mother, and a part of him still may.

 

Further, I know that you still love your mother, but what you have to accept is that she is not a good person, and I am sorry to say that.

 

She has single handedly destroyed your family and your father because she is a selfish person. She could have divorced your father and they could have been together. But no, she chose to go this route.

 

3) Do not let your mother get to him in person under any circumstances. She will lie, and manipulate him into not divorcing her. You cannot let this happen.

 

4) As hard as this part is, your father has to file for divorce on Monday if possible. There is no way that any man can recover from this type of long term affair and still have an ounce of self-respect. Others on this board may disagree, but I am telling you that he will not be able to get over this.

 

The one thing that will help if filing for divorce and taking her to the cleaners. That will help him get over some but not all of this. This betrayal will be with him for the rest of his life, there is just no way around that.

 

5) Your father will be weak for a while, and that is why you have to be strong for him. So you have to insist that he goes to get counseling. You have to insist that he file for divorce. You have to take charge.

 

End of list for now...........

 

Have you spoken to your mother yet? This is what you need to tell her. DO NOT COME HOME, if she is even considering it.

 

When you speak to her you need to ask what things you need to pack a where to have them shipped. And when that is done you need to get your father home so you can watch him.

 

Have you told the other man's wife yet. If not, gather your evidence and tell her. She deservers to know. The further benefit is that OM is going to get his balls ripped off by her and it will keep your mom and him off of their game.

 

I understand that the things I am saying sound rash and harsh, but this is the way that it is. This will all help your father, and he is the one that matters here.

 

Stay strong, you are all your father has now...[/QUOT

 

 

First, this girl is not god...she’s not the world’s savior. The logic that she needs to be in control of her parents marriage is narcissistic & ego centric. Yes, she needs to be there for her dad but telling him he can’t speak to the woman he’s been married to for how many years, is absolutely asinine. Not to mention her family just fell apart & now she should care about the OM wife? The guy’s family is his problem.

 

Parents are not supposed to their child’s burden...the fact that this logic is coming from a parent is kind of disturbing. Her father is hurt, not her child. He has to face the woman he married, alone eventually.

 

 

OP...you’re doing well considering the massive pressure you’re under. You told & now you’re being supportive by taking care of things for your dad. Do not spread your self thin, your dad has every right to feel how he wants & he has control over his life, you can’t take that on, it’s not your place, you can be supportive & try to get him help but you can’t save your parents from their relationship.

 

Remember that you’re going through all of this too & you need to take care of yourself, maybe therapy for yourself would be a good way to start off on how to cope. As for the other man’s wife, if you want to tell, tell but at the end of the day, his family can’t be your problem. Don’t add extra to your stress that you don’t have to. There’s a difference between being supportive & getting caught up in a savior complex & all that does is take one down. Good luck with your sister.

[BluesPower]

I usually agree with you, but I do not in this case. Although I appreciate where you are coming from, the OP should not do what you are recommending. The OP has no right to kick her Mom out of the house, pack her bags, or to take charge of this. These are things that the OP's father needs to decide to do or not do.

 

As encouraged by me and others, she told her Dad and supported him. That is all that she should do.

 

Sorry I just disagree. She did the right thing to start with.

 

She is the strong one in the family, that is just the way that it is.

 

It happened to me (not same stuff) and it happened to her.

 

Unfortunately, if the remaining family is to survive, mom has to go. And she has to help get that done.

 

Her dad is on the cusp of some stuff that he is not even aware of and with this type of affair, he needs someone strong around.

 

I am not saying it is great, I am not saying it is even right or fair.

 

I am just saying that is...

[BluesPower]

First, this girl is not god...she’s not the world’s savior. The logic that she needs to be in control of her parents marriage is narcissistic & ego centric. Yes, she needs to be there for her dad but telling him he can’t speak to the woman he’s been married to for how many years, is absolutely asinine. Not to mention her family just fell apart & now she should care about the OM wife? The guy’s family is his problem.

 

Parents are not supposed to their child’s burden...the fact that this logic is coming from a parent is kind of disturbing. Her father is hurt, not her child. He has to face the woman he married, alone eventually.

 

OP...you’re doing well considering the massive pressure you’re under. You told & now you’re being supportive by taking care of things for your dad. Do not spread your self thin, your dad has every right to feel how he wants & he has control over his life, you can’t take that on, it’s not your place, you can be supportive & try to get him help but you can’t save your parents from their relationship.

 

Remember that you’re going through all of this too & you need to take care of yourself, maybe therapy for yourself would be a good way to start off on how to cope. As for the other man’s wife, if you want to tell, tell but at the end of the day, his family can’t be your problem. Don’t add extra to your stress that you don’t have to. There’s a difference between being supportive & getting caught up in a savior complex & all that does is take one down. Good luck with your sister.

 

She wanted to know how to help her dad. This is it.

 

You can disagree all you want, what I said will help her dad.

[JuneL]

Couldn’t agree more. As if being walked all over by his wife for so many years is not enough, now he needs his 19-year-old daughter to make major decisions about his life and his marriage for him?! OP’s job is to support her father (and perhaps her mother, if needed). In my opinion, she has done more than enough regarding the marriage of her parents.

 

I know you are hurting as well... and I hate to say it because I realize that it is hard, but you are going to have to stay strong for your dad and sister.

 

I know that you can do it, you have already been so strong. There will be more time to cry later.

 

I understand that this is so hard, but you have to hang in there.

 

If you have time, read the infidelity threads here for a little bit. It will give you some insight as to how your dad is feeling.

 

I will give you the basics. And some of this may be hard to hear:

 

1) He does not feel like a man anymore. He feels like a fool in every facet of the word. He may have suspected or been in denial, but now he knows.

 

And, knowing is way, way different. He feels like he has wasted his life with a woman that does not love him, and he is right. This is one of the most difficult parts to deal with.

 

2) He now believes (and rightly so) that his entire marriage has been a lie. He loved your mother, and a part of him still may.

 

Further, I know that you still love your mother, but what you have to accept is that she is not a good person, and I am sorry to say that.

 

She has single handedly destroyed your family and your father because she is a selfish person. She could have divorced your father and they could have been together. But no, she chose to go this route.

 

3) Do not let your mother get to him in person under any circumstances. She will lie, and manipulate him into not divorcing her. You cannot let this happen.

 

4) As hard as this part is, your father has to file for divorce on Monday if possible. There is no way that any man can recover from this type of long term affair and still have an ounce of self-respect. Others on this board may disagree, but I am telling you that he will not be able to get over this.

 

The one thing that will help if filing for divorce and taking her to the cleaners. That will help him get over some but not all of this. This betrayal will be with him for the rest of his life, there is just no way around that.

 

5) Your father will be weak for a while, and that is why you have to be strong for him. So you have to insist that he goes to get counseling. You have to insist that he file for divorce. You have to take charge.

 

End of list for now...........

 

Have you spoken to your mother yet? This is what you need to tell her. DO NOT COME HOME, if she is even considering it.

 

When you speak to her you need to ask what things you need to pack a where to have them shipped. And when that is done you need to get your father home so you can watch him.

 

Have you told the other man's wife yet. If not, gather your evidence and tell her. She deservers to know. The further benefit is that OM is going to get his balls ripped off by her and it will keep your mom and him off of their game.

 

I understand that the things I am saying sound rash and harsh, but this is the way that it is. This will all help your father, and he is the one that matters here.

 

Stay strong, you are all your father has now...[/QUOT

 

 

First, this girl is not god...she’s not the world’s savior. The logic that she needs to be in control of her parents marriage is narcissistic & ego centric. Yes, she needs to be there for her dad but telling him he can’t speak to the woman he’s been married to for how many years, is absolutely asinine. Not to mention her family just fell apart & now she should care about the OM wife? The guy’s family is his problem.

 

Parents are not supposed to their child’s burden...the fact that this logic is coming from a parent is kind of disturbing. Her father is hurt, not her child. He has to face the woman he married, alone eventually.

 

 

OP...you’re doing well considering the massive pressure you’re under. You told & now you’re being supportive by taking care of things for your dad. Do not spread your self thin, your dad has every right to feel how he wants & he has control over his life, you can’t take that on, it’s not your place, you can be supportive & try to get him help but you can’t save your parents from their relationship.

 

Remember that you’re going through all of this too & you need to take care of yourself, maybe therapy for yourself would be a good way to start off on how to cope. As for the other man’s wife, if you want to tell, tell but at the end of the day, his family can’t be your problem. Don’t add extra to your stress that you don’t have to. There’s a difference between being supportive & getting caught up in a savior complex & all that does is take one down. Good luck with your sister.

[CatMinx]

She wanted to know how to help her dad. This is it.

 

You can disagree all you want, what I said will help her dad.

 

If her dad was the one posting here instead of her, would you be advising him to crumble and allow his teenaged daughter to take care of him, or would you tell him (as I’ve seen you do with other betrayed spouses who post here) to pull himself together for his children?

 

OP, you know how on an airplane you’re supposed to put your own oxygen mask on before you assist anyone else? I say you find help and a proper support system for yourself first.

[Try]

Unfortunately, if the remaining family is to survive, mom has to go. And she has to help get that done.

In most divorces caused by infidelity there is often second guessing. If both her Mom and Dad feel that the OP was the one that pushed the divorce instead of the Dad, she will suffer long term damage to her relationship with both of her parents. She should not do this. If the "family is to survive" for the OP, she needs to have a daughter relationship with both of her parents in the future, and allow her parents to deal with their marriage going forward. As long as the Dad is fully informed, it is his right and not the OP's to decide what he wants to do with this information.

[BluesPower]

OK, guys I give...

 

Yes cat you are right, I am writing like I am speaking to the BH.

 

Here are my concerns, a woman that can do this to her husband for what, 15 years or is it just 10, can manipulate a man in this state.

 

Further, there is the 1 to 3 month affair, there is the couple of year affair, and then... there are these multi year horrific affairs.

 

I am concerned that her dad, may not be able to handle it with our his daughter couching him.

 

Further, this long of an affair has caused more than one man to end it. This is my concern here.

 

You have to admit, this is a bad one no matter what your measuring stick is...

[Be_Strong]

Seems we have a dispute here about how much involvement the daughter should have. I’m with BluesPower on this one. First, the daughter is an adult. Second, she is actively seeking advice for ways in which she can assist her father. Third, she appears to be the strongest and clearest-thinking person in the family right now.

 

Yeah, it would be great if the dad could simply do all the right things instantly and handle his business. And if he asked for advice I would tell him to handle his business. But anyone who has been around this forum for long knows how hard it is for guys to do what they need to do even when told they need to do it. This guy is so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter helping him out. After all, what is the point of family if you can’t rely on them to help you in tough times. Again, the daughter is an adult.

 

What if the daughter simply sat back, stayed out of it, and let her father do everything on his own, and then everything fell apart and she had to watch her family and father be destroyed. Don’t you think she would feel guilty that if she had helped out then things could have turned out differently? It’s not like we are telling her to meddle in some stranger’s business. This is her closest family member.

[Whoknew30]

Seems we have a dispute here about how much involvement the daughter should have. I’m with BluesPower on this one. First, the daughter is an adult. Second, she is actively seeking advice for ways in which she can assist her father. Third, she appears to be the strongest and clearest-thinking person in the family right now.

 

Yeah, it would be great if the dad could simply do all the right things instantly and handle his business. And if he asked for advice I would tell him to handle his business. But anyone who has been around this forum for long knows how hard it is for guys to do what they need to do even when told they need to do it. This guy is so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter helping him out. After all, what is the point of family if you can’t rely on them to help you in tough times. Again, the daughter is an adult.

 

What if the daughter simply sat back, stayed out of it, and let her father do everything on his own, and then everything fell apart and she had to watch her family and father be destroyed. Don’t you think she would feel guilty that if she had helped out then things could have turned out differently? It’s not like we are telling her to meddle in some stranger’s business. This is her closest family member.

 

Adults do not become children bc something bad happens to them. Do you have children, if you do, do they get to tell you how to live when they want to?

 

Relying on someone for support is one thing, giving advice for a child to overstep boundaries, like her father now has some kind of brain injury is quite another.

 

I’ve been with my mom when she’s found things out about my father, I’ve held her while she’s cried, I’ve listened to her, taken her places...never did I tell her how to live her life or what choices she’s to make...she’d go off on me. She always chosen to stay with my dad & I respect her choice. What I didnt respect growing up, was when us kids had to deal with their adult relationship issues. Putting that on a kid is the absolute worst kind of selfish...selfish is selfish no matter if it’s an WS putting their A above their kids or BS putting their hurt in above of what’s best for their kids...both are just as bad pertaining to parenting.

 

Part of being a adult is learning how to manage your life even when bad happens. So when someone finds out they’re a BS all of sudden makes them an incompetent moran that can’t make their own decisions?

 

My husband & I both have had A & never once did we put anything on our kid’s...we never forgot that no matter what happens, we are the parents & they are the kids. If we can do that as young as we were, I just can’t understand someone older having the logic of putting one’s conflict on to their kids. Then again, it happened to both my H & I as kids & we swore we’d never do that to ours, no matter what issues came up in our relationship.

 

Wether a child child or adult child, your kid is never supposed to turn into your parent...extremely selfish logic. Helping & expecting your kid to literally take care of your whole life bc you were hurt, are such two different things. A 19 year old kid doesn’t deserve that, it’s not her place nor her cross to bare. She’s being a good kid & that’s all she can do. She has not become their leader to dictate bc her mom had an A.

[Cullenbohannon]

When you hear a scream in the night, you can chose to do nothing. Sit quietly and let someone else handle it. Or you can open the door to see what is wrong and offer assistance. This is ithe difference between humanity and cowardice.

 

Microwave, your level of assistance will be dictated by your father. We salute you for your strength and choosing not to live in fear.

 

A prayer for your family

Edited March 24, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[usa1ah]

I don't view it as "wanting to blow up my parents's marriage and embarrassing everyone". I, personally, find that I'm no one to keep secrets like that from my father, who has respected me and loved me for almost 20 years, no matter what I've done.

 

As Marc stated, not telling would make me betray my father as well.

 

I completely understand your point, because as I stated, my parents seem very happy. My dad IS happy. Which is why I came here, all confused. This isn't really about me or my ideas of morality, I know my father is disgusted by infidelity.

 

Please don't make it sound like this is all about me. I've always tried to explain that I love my father and want what's best for him, I'm sorry if you can't see that. But it's not like I want to hurt or embarrass anyone.

 

Why don’t you go to your dad about the OM coming after you.

 

Then tell him that he bragged about an affair with your mom. Your dad will be upset but the smoke will clear.

 

Or tell the OM to put in his notice or you will tell your dad everything.