Author faithandfood Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 So broke up with ex due to his behavior in July. Went 3 months NC until two weeks ago where called me, but I didn't call back and texted him to see what he wanted. He said he was just checking up on me & wanted to know where I was. I ignored and just mainly had short replies. Now on Friday, he again messaged me to see how I was then told me he wanted to see me. So I reresponded with, "Really? Why?" And he didn't respond, and that was like three days ago. My friends told me that he might be now feeling guilty for what he did (see previous threads) and how he might have been pushed back by my response. Although I do have a little feelings for him, I do not want to get back. But I just want to know his intentions. Was I wrong for asking that? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 What's wrong is the fact that you're still choosing to engage with someone that disrespected you. If you have no desire to get back to him then it's none of your concern. He should have been blocked. Instead of focusing on his intentions, it would be best to focus on your own as to why he is still accessible to you. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 He wants to see you because he wants to see if you'd take him back. He didn't respond because he probably thought that was implied without him having to say it. Link to post Share on other sites
Buriall Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 If you don't want to get back with him all of this shouldn't matter. Don't analyze this, block all contact. Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Friday? You was his backup if his plans fell through with friends/new girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 So I don't know man. I broke up with my ex nine months ago because he was starting to disrespect me, lie, and not care anymore (look at previous threads). I'm 19 and he's 24. One of the main reasons why I left because he pressured me a lot sexually. I'm a virgin as he isn't. He got mad at me for not returning oral & other things, which is why I ended it. Anyways, he was the first person (first relationship) I opened up to. I also have anxiety and depression, so the breakup was very hard because I don't have many close friends. I've been going to therapy since September, and I've also improved my makeup, applied to nursing school, go out, and met new guys. However..everyday I think about him..and I don't even know why. After the breakup, I learned more about narcissism and feel like he was one. I don't want him back, but I want to talk to him...see how he is doing. I don't know if it's the empathety in me. I know you're thinking "Girl, he hurt you!" But there's some things I want to get off my chest, especially since the breakup was over text. I feel like I'm at a better place emotionally than I was last July-October. He contacted me three times after the breakup. He wanted to see me in October, but I asked him his intentions and he ignored me. He then last called in December during my final exams, but I ignored him. And nothing since then. It just makes kind of upset. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 (edited) I don't want him back, but I want to talk to him...see how he is doing. I don't know if it's the empathety in me. You can have empathy for someone that hurt you but that doesn't justify or mean that you should contact them. The priority here is you focusing on your own healing and pain rather than empathizing for someone that isn't good for and to you. Channel that empathy towards yourself. This is a guy that you noted sexually assaulted you. You need to work on why you want to contact this person to see how he is doing. That's not healthy. If you're not well emotionally, there is no reason for you to be reaching out to anyone, especially someone like him who does not care about you or your wellbeing. I know you're thinking "Girl, he hurt you!" But there's some things I want to get off my chest, especially since the breakup was over text. I feel like I'm at a better place emotionally than I was last July-October. He contacted me three times after the breakup. He wanted to see me in October, but I asked him his intentions and he ignored me. He then last called in December during my final exams, but I ignored him. And nothing since then. It just makes kind of upset. There is nothing to get off your chest. Just focus on yourself and moving forward. When you asked his intentions, he went silent. That should be enough to tell you what he was looking for. Stay NC and stop looking for reasons to justify breaking contact. If you are in a better place emotionally, do not derail that by revisiting what's broken and toxic to you. Edited March 5, 2018 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 went to a club with my friends yesterday, and I knew he was probably gonna be there. Towards the end, I was checking to see if my dad came. As I went back to my seat, I noticed the area to my seat was crowded. So I went to a different direction.. I passed a couch with "the guy" that I believed was him. As I passed quickly, I heard a quick "whatsup" I just ignored it. So I went back to my seat, the lights came on, and I noticed the person that said what's up was staring in my direction. My friend then told me it was him. As he was staring, I asked her if I should go up to him. Right when I was gonna go up to him, a guy comes up to me. I know my ex was hurt because he was literally staring when the guy and I were talking/exchanging numbers. Not only this but I was torn between whether I should go up to him. After the guy and I stopped talking, he left and as I tried to find him, I went outside and as I was waiting for my ride. My ex pulled up in his car, stared for a bit, then just drove off. So I'm just torn at the moment. Was I wrong for ignoring? I'm distraught. Some of my friends are saying how I should been civil... Like I feel like he could have tried harder. The way he pulled up reminded me of how he treated me at the concert in August. It's been 6 months NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 (edited) Again, this is the guy that you claimed sexually assaulted you. The one that lied, disrespected and treated you poorly. Yet, you're distraught about not sparing his feelings? You're questioning if you should be civil to someone that violated you? You keep going around and around with this. It would be best to focus and introspect as to why you lack self-respect/self-love and still desire validation from a guy that had no care for you. Edited March 19, 2018 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 I know. I mean I do have self-love. I just feel like if I talked to him, I can get things off my chest and clear things. It's been 9 months, yet I still feel the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 I know. I mean I do have self-love. I just feel like if I talked to him, I can get things off my chest and clear things. It's been 9 months, yet I still feel the same. You don't if you still need validation from someone that you claimed abused you. You just said that maybe you should have tried harder to be nice to him? Even in your last thread you noted that you needed to contact him because you just needed to see if he was doing okay. If you had self-love and self-respect, the last thing you would want to do is reach out to him because the concern and empathy should be for yourself, not for someone that treated you poorly. You self-preserve because you want to protect your emotional and mental wellbeing -- it wouldn't be to revisit and treat kindly what was toxic to you. You don't find your closure by seeking it from your perpetrator. He has no care as to your feelings or how his actions affected you. If he did, you wouldn't be where you are. Closure comes from within. It comes from you doing the work internally. It's been 9 months and you still feel the same. You manage those feelings by looking inward and figuring out why you're still looking to him to make it right for you when only you can do that for yourself. He cannot make it right for you. Make an appointment to see a counselor. Therapy will help you undo what you're feeling and teach you ways to cope with your struggles. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 You should go back and read your past threads. It may help you capture your reality and remind you as to why you need to stay away from this guy. What you seek - he cannot give you. Avoid places where you know he goes to and block him from having any access to you. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Some of my friends are saying how I should been civil... Goodness, you need new friends! With friends like that giving you such bad advice, who needs enemies! If I were in your situation and a friend said that to me, then I would tell that friend exactly where to stick it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 They did not suggest that first. They just offered it because they saw how I wanted to talk to him. And how long can I avoid places where he will be? I don't want to be in fear every time. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 (edited) They did not suggest that first. They just offered it because they saw how I wanted to talk to him. And how long can I avoid places where he will be? I don't want to be in fear every time. Until you are emotionally strong enough, with a healthy level of indifference to be able to see this guy for who and what he is and know what your boundaries are -- you're stuck 9 months in still seeking his validation because you were in contact with him 5 months ago. If you truly want to heal -- cut him out completely, stay out of his sight with at least 1 year NC under your belt, seek a counselor and invest the time in working on yourself and managing through the hurt/pain. You are still fearful because you have never really taken care of your wounds. Your emotional and mental health is far more important than any club or hangout. Edited March 19, 2018 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 They did not suggest that first. They just offered it because they saw how I wanted to talk to him. And how long can I avoid places where he will be? I don't want to be in fear every time. I can understand being fearful of seeing an ex, but, realistically, how often do you cross paths with him? Unless you live next door or work with him, the chances aren't really that high that you would see him with any regularity. For now, it's a good idea to avoid places he will be because it's still too emotional for you to see him. You don't have to purposefully avoid him forever, but it's good to do that for awhile. Also, why exactly do you want to talk to him, and what would you say? Did you just want to talk to him because you saw him, or have you been wanting to for awhile? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 They did not suggest that first. They just offered it because they saw how I wanted to talk to him. Well, if I were one of your friends, I would have slapped you (metaphorically of course not physically) for even thinking about talking to him ever again!! how long can I avoid places where he will be? Just because you're in the same place doesn't mean you have to talk to him. Just blank him, like you do every other stranger in there. Because that's what he is to you now, a stranger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 Yeah luckily we go to different colleges. But we live in the same city. Since he's a DJ, he goes to different social events that I attend as well. But I've only saw him twice since the breakup. And tbh, I don't know what I would say. Link to post Share on other sites
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