Dating exhaustion

March 19, 2018

On one I hand I understand your frustration and on the other I think you aren't using your power well. I suppose it's disappointing if a guy asks for sex and you of course are looking for a relationship--but if you are finding that out on date one, you are actually much LUCKIER than people who don't find that out until later when their feelings are involved. I agree with whoever said you might have some hangup about it though. Are you trying to say every guy is hitting you up for sex on the first date and literally saying that aloud? It's a little hard to believe that is how that how every date goes down. You would want us to believe that every single guy is acting in a really crude manner. That's rarely been my experience.

I've also dealt with guy who pretended like they wanted to be my boyfriend so they could get sex. Pretty much every date has ended with a guy asking for sex (come over and watch a movie or some other euphemism usually). I've met guys who didn't want to wait that long!

I think if you are putting all your effort into finding guys through dating sites than it will amplify your feelings and beliefs you are holding tight onto. PoF might be similar to tinder in some ways. My friend was on that and yes some of the messages she got were crude--so much so that it was hilarious--she didn't let it defeat her. In fact, she actually found her bf on tinder. Go figure. The difference is she had given herself the POWER and RESPONSIBILITY for making putting herself in the dating pool work to the best of her ability. You have the power to say no and move on. It's silly to give up on dating completely and let other people dictate your experiences. Change your tactics. You said head shots--then you are an actress? Sure that might get you more of people who don't want to get to know you, only the outside or what you represent. So MAKE them get to know you. Who cares if a guy that just wanted sex disappears? That's not what you want so buh-bye. Don't let guys waste your time. I don't really see it as much of a waste when you are on dates 1-2-3. Every girl no matter the reason it's not her guy goes through this. You have to do it to get to the right one.

Without pof my prospects dwindle almost to nothing. I guess it doesn't matter if I don't want to date lol.

By headshots, i meant selfies that show mostly my face. I'm not an actress.

I don't know if i have the energy to go through all those men and all those dates. Finding my motorcycle friend was difficult in and of itself. It was almost like a job. Many guys were time wasters.

Being treated like meat for the past 13 years has really affected me. I'd rather them not take me out at all than to waste my time.

I think you need a break and a reset but when you are ready to get back out there--try to meet guys in real life, through your friends and hobbies or even work. That way you can feel more confident that they like you for you and it will usually be a slower burn, more genuine, less dismissive process which will help you. good luck

Im afraid it could be very difficult to return from another break.

March 19, 2018

Just overall I'm here to tell you that your "experience" is out of the norm for most people dating. That boils down to two possible things:

*You have a perception that is askew OR

•You are putting out a message that you don't realize you are putting out which keeps garnering you the same experiences.

There is a lack of wanting to take responsibility or at very least some introspection in your posts on this thread. I think you are more in a venting mode because you keep laying out the scenarios you describe happening to you as "excuses" (frankly whining TBH) as if to say you tried and everyone else in the dating world is wrong.

I actually don't know the motorcycle guy story (maybe from another thread? or somehow I missed). However, if you use your own experience nugget that was buried deep in and very small in there you gave an example of one swim guy that you liked & was genuine with you and funny it matched some of the advice that I know i gave you (and perhaps others too)...to meet guys from real life. So basically there are solutions, if you start tweaking how you address your dating life AND consider that you are not doing everything right and bear some of the responsibility. If you WANT to change your results, you NEED to stay OPEN to CHANGING how you do some things.

On the spectrum of things i could be considered on the sexy end and while dating or in a relationship or being hit on, have rarely felt like a piece of meat. It's been such a very small portion of the guys I've dealt with that have made me feel like that. Same with my friends who many of them are definitely sexy. I really think you need a shift in your perspective. You will never have real success with a guy if you keep seeing men as the enemy and predatory or ill-intentioned in the way you do. It's a belief system that isn't serving you. Good luck

oh and another example is read other people's threads. If guys are asking you to come over to netflix and chill then i just read one the other day. Girls have great comebacks for that which basically let the guy know it's too soon to ask & I still expect you to get to know me, i.e. not yet & let's see where this goes. That timeline is yours to decide. Doesn't mean you have to keep torpedoing guys. Put them back in there place, reject the crude/uninteresting ones and make the interesting ones effort so YOU can see if they are worth it.

Edited March 19, 2018 by Versacehottie

March 19, 2018

I've also dealt with guy who pretended like they wanted to be my boyfriend so they could get sex. Pretty much every date has ended with a guy asking for sex (come over and watch a movie or some other euphemism usually). I've met guys who didn't want to wait that long!

Without pof my prospects dwindle almost to nothing. I guess it doesn't matter if I don't want to date lol.

By headshots, i meant selfies that show mostly my face. I'm not an actress.

I don't know if i have the energy to go through all those men and all those dates. Finding my motorcycle friend was difficult in and of itself. It was almost like a job. Many guys were time wasters.

Being treated like meat for the past 13 years has really affected me. I'd rather them not take me out at all than to waste my time.

Im afraid it could be very difficult to return from another break.

To me, a lot of the time girls who have selfies that are literally just themselves come off as narcissistic, looks and attention seeking and yes most definitely if used on dating site may be projecting overt stuff rather than showing yourself playing with your dog, doing a sport you like or hanging out with friends. If you want guys to ask you about stuff and be able to direct the conversation there rather than just about looks and the physical then give them something else to talk about rather than just your looks/the physical.

Sounds like you are giving up but then conflicted too (both bolded). Decide which you want and what you are willing to do. You can't control who you will meet & how they will be--all you can control is yourself. Edit your profile, learn some better communication (like assertive communication & stating your needs; passive vs proactive type communication, a million different examples), looking at dating stuff so you can learn from it & see what other people do. I mean all you have to do is look around and see that tons of people end up as bf/gf and somehow make it through this pervasive "sex" problem (sorry I'm being sarcastic) and end up happy, married, etc. So figure out what you are doing differently. There are lots of things you can DO to get better results---IF you are WILLING.

March 19, 2018

I've stayed far from tinder. I didn't have anything overtly sexual on my profile. I haven't used POF in awhile to be honest.

The only ways I've found to slow things down are to date long distance (this,has it's own pitfalls) or be in a situation outside the dating world in which a guy just so happens to get to know me over time.

I truly believe it would've been better had I married a high school sweetheart, not that I had one.

I seem to have a lot of strange experiences with men.

Just trying to help you understand where you are going wrong. The tone in your posts (and yes I realize you are frustrated and looking for advice) is fatalistic and pessimistic. That is going to drive lots of people away, certainly not draw them too you--they won't be considering your personality bc you are not giving top notch hotpotato. If your looks are good also, but that's all you've got that could be why you are getting lots of physical attention but not the gf type attention or getting to really know you type of attention. You are objectifying yourself a bit if you come A game in looks but come D- in personality (and assertiveness and confidence).

March 19, 2018

I've stayed far from tinder. I didn't have anything overtly sexual on my profile. I haven't used POF in awhile to be honest.

Does anything in your bio suggest that you’re DTF? Have you mentioned that you’re looking for an LTR? I think doing that alone would weed out a lot of these guys.

I agree with VH though, you sound burned out and taking a break for a month should do you a world of good.

March 19, 2018

I’m not a big fan of generalisation. But, to be frank, you seem a bit... for a lack of a better word... naive (?) and perhaps some general guidelines could be helpful:

A) All men who dates you want to have sex with you. If you are a fit young girl, a vast majority of single, heterosexual, men would like to have sex with you.

B) Having sex and getting to know someone are not mutual exclusive. Just because a man want to have sex with you doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in a relationship.

C) Men knows instantly about point A, but they don’t know if they want a relationship with you. That takes much more time. Sexual compatibility is an important part of getting to know a potential partner.

D) Girls never escalate physical contact. Most men have had bad experience where they ended up “friendzoned”, having their love interest seeing them as mostly asexual beings. The easiest way to avoid such a situation is to be clear with your intentions and desires. Just the other day I saw a thread with a girl being confused with a man who wasn’t escalating, it’s a very common theme. Most guys eventual learn this, and rather takes the risk of rejection than the risk of wasting time, sometimes years, as an orbiter.

I get the feeling you are looking for signs that they are trying to sleep with you, and treating that as a red flag when in reality it’s their freaking job in a dating setting to escalate. You actually have the easy job here, you either accept or decline.

With all that being said I don’t think very forward on date 1 is the norm.

March 19, 2018

I’m not a big fan of generalisation. But, to be frank, you seem a bit... for a lack of a better word... naive (?) and perhaps some general guidelines could be helpful:

A) All men who dates you want to have sex with you. If you are a fit young girl, a vast majority of single, heterosexual, men would like to have sex with you.

B) Having sex and getting to know someone are not mutual exclusive. Just because a man want to have sex with you doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in a relationship.

C) Men knows instantly about point A, but they don’t know if they want a relationship with you. That takes much more time. Sexual compatibility is an important part of getting to know a potential partner.

D) Girls never escalate physical contact. Most men have had bad experience where they ended up “friendzoned”, having their love interest seeing them as mostly asexual beings. The easiest way to avoid such a situation is to be clear with your intentions and desires. Just the other day I saw a thread with a girl being confused with a man who wasn’t escalating, it’s a very common theme. Most guys eventual learn this, and rather takes the risk of rejection than the risk of wasting time, sometimes years, as an orbiter.

I get the feeling you are looking for signs that they are trying to sleep with you, and treating that as a red flag when in reality it’s their freaking job in a dating setting to escalate. You actually have the easy job here, you either accept or decline.

With all that being said I don’t think very forward on date 1 is the norm.

Eh, I will say that some girls do escalate physical contact, especially a lot of modern women. I've had that happen.

The OP may have to be the one do it in that case.

March 19, 2018

When I said self-analyze needs efforts and time you are obviously not ready to do it.

Your avatar on here: You said you like red and black but you could have picked a red rose on top of a black background but you picked sultry lips.

Your nickname: You could have picked any types of variation of god-whats-not but you picked a name with *hot* which sends a double meaning, just like men calling them selves hotrod, as if it conveys *cars*, we all know the double meaning.

You said you're an athlete, then portray yourself as such. Have pictures of yourself in top of a cliff! or in a canoe, or at the end of a run, not a bunch of selfies with pouting lips, again conveys the wrong message.

You like hot guys: Who doesn't? but make better choice!! Not all athletes men are douchebags but I assure you all douchebags are at the gym!! So stop picking men who spend 7 days a week at the gym and are in admiration in front of their body. Pick a guy that is fit, that climbs, run, cycles, plays soccer.. but not guys that get an erection in front of their own image.

March 19, 2018

Eh, I will say that some girls do escalate physical contact, especially a lot of modern women. I've had that happen.

The OP may have to be the one do it in that case.

Yeah, sure, there will be exceptions. But most women likes the idea of a “natural” progression. A kiss that just happens at precisely the right moment. Very romantic. While, meanwhile, the poor guy probably had to plan for that natural, spontaneous - in the moment - kiss for the better part of the date. Yes, I’m exaggerating, but you get my point.

March 19, 2018

I’m not a big fan of generalisation. But, to be frank, you seem a bit... for a lack of a better word... naive (?) and perhaps some general guidelines could be helpful:

A) All men who dates you want to have sex with you. If you are a fit young girl, a vast majority of single, heterosexual, men would like to have sex with you.

B) Having sex and getting to know someone are not mutual exclusive. Just because a man want to have sex with you doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in a relationship.

C) Men knows instantly about point A, but they don’t know if they want a relationship with you. That takes much more time. Sexual compatibility is an important part of getting to know a potential partner.

D) Girls never escalate physical contact. Most men have had bad experience where they ended up “friendzoned”, having their love interest seeing them as mostly asexual beings. The easiest way to avoid such a situation is to be clear with your intentions and desires. Just the other day I saw a thread with a girl being confused with a man who wasn’t escalating, it’s a very common theme. Most guys eventual learn this, and rather takes the risk of rejection than the risk of wasting time, sometimes years, as an orbiter.

I get the feeling you are looking for signs that they are trying to sleep with you, and treating that as a red flag when in reality it’s their freaking job in a dating setting to escalate. You actually have the easy job here, you either accept or decline.

With all that being said I don’t think very forward on date 1 is the norm.

Great description on what's going on in a male brain. I have always assume guys want to have sex with girls/me if they are flirting or dating. The difference is I don't see that as a bad thing because if it's the right guy that's what I want too. I know that I will have a choice in when and IF we get to that point & am free to change my mind if I decide along the way that he's not right for me. Of the 100% pie of guys who want to have sex with you, a smaller but more valuable percentage will want a relationship with you and put in the effort.

March 19, 2018

I’m not a big fan of generalisation. But, to be frank, you seem a bit... for a lack of a better word... naive (?) and perhaps some general guidelines could be helpful:

A) All men who dates you want to have sex with you. If you are a fit young girl, a vast majority of single, heterosexual, men would like to have sex with you.

B) Having sex and getting to know someone are not mutual exclusive. Just because a man want to have sex with you doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in a relationship.

C) Men knows instantly about point A, but they don’t know if they want a relationship with you. That takes much more time. Sexual compatibility is an important part of getting to know a potential partner.

D) Girls never escalate physical contact. Most men have had bad experience where they ended up “friendzoned”, having their love interest seeing them as mostly asexual beings. The easiest way to avoid such a situation is to be clear with your intentions and desires. Just the other day I saw a thread with a girl being confused with a man who wasn’t escalating, it’s a very common theme. Most guys eventual learn this, and rather takes the risk of rejection than the risk of wasting time, sometimes years, as an orbiter.

I get the feeling you are looking for signs that they are trying to sleep with you, and treating that as a red flag when in reality it’s their freaking job in a dating setting to escalate. You actually have the easy job here, you either accept or decline.

With all that being said I don’t think very forward on date 1 is the norm.

It's not me being naive, I just realized i go on dates for different reasons than a man does, which usually results in a waste of my time.

A) I get that the guy wants to have sex, but he can wait a bit and get to know me first. Most guys try to have sex right off the bat then disappear. A couple guys tried to pretend they liked me so they could get sex. Finally, a few guys actually try to get to know me.

it seems like the guys are trying to have sex with me and leave regardless of how I feel.

B)No, but usually the guys i've met were only trying to have sex. Now if they had asked for sex then tried to keep getting to know me, that would be different.

C)I agree that a man may not know if he wants a relationship off the bat. However, that's a great reason to take time and get to know me. Also, i don't think 1st date sex will be the same as sex down the road in a relationship.

D) yes, but these guys aren't trying to avoid the friendzone as they are not trying to date me. I understand it's very easy for a man to be attracted to a woman. Just because a guy isn't trying to bone me really quickly, doesn't mean he likes me or anything like that. Nowadays if a man wants to date me, he has to come with something thoughtful, not discovery channel sex. Take me on a trip, motorcycle ride, bring me roses.

If a guy is primarily after a sex, id rather him not take me on a date. My former fwb never took me on a date, never pretended to like me. If he sees me, he comes up and blatantly asks for sex. (I haven't been with him in over 2 years.)

I think if a guy asks for sex then disappears, that a pretty clear sign. It's not me seeing a red flag that isn't there.

March 19, 2018

When I said self-analyze needs efforts and time you are obviously not ready to do it.

Your avatar on here: You said you like red and black but you could have picked a red rose on top of a black background but you picked sultry lips.

Your nickname: You could have picked any types of variation of god-whats-not but you picked a name with *hot* which sends a double meaning, just like men calling them selves hotrod, as if it conveys *cars*, we all know the double meaning.

You said you're an athlete, then portray yourself as such. Have pictures of yourself in top of a cliff! or in a canoe, or at the end of a run, not a bunch of selfies with pouting lips, again conveys the wrong message.

You like hot guys: Who doesn't? but make better choice!! Not all athletes men are douchebags but I assure you all douchebags are at the gym!! So stop picking men who spend 7 days a week at the gym and are in admiration in front of their body. Pick a guy that is fit, that climbs, run, cycles, plays soccer.. but not guys that get an erection in front of their own image.

I posted full body pics on craigstlist as well, same thing, guys throwing sex at me.

It's just an avatar. I don't go on dates making pouty lips, licking my lips, looking super sexy.

There's a saying of being dropped like a hot potato. A potato isn't sexy nor isn't it something of value. A hot potato isn't something you'd want to hold on to.

They haven't been all bodybuilders. One was a semi pro football player. Another was a boxer, but we weren't close.

March 19, 2018

Have you mentioned in your bio that you’re looking for an ltr?

March 19, 2018

You're picking the wrong guys, and you've only got yourself to blame. You can't generalize just because that's been your experience. A lot of us guys aren't trying to have sex on the first date. Do a better job of being selective.

March 19, 2018

They haven't been all bodybuilders. One was a semi pro football player. Another was a boxer, but we weren't close.

I rest my case.

Listen, bodybuilders, boxers, and football players are all, mostly, on steroids or some type of testosterone enhancers, they're, mostly, brutes. You get what you're looking for and I am speaking as someone with experience, I did have my phase of dating bodybuilders, boxers and football players.

March 19, 2018

I posted full body pics on craigstlist as well, same thing, guys throwing sex at me.

It's just an avatar. I don't go on dates making pouty lips, licking my lips, looking super sexy.

There's a saying of being dropped like a hot potato. A potato isn't sexy nor isn't it something of value. A hot potato isn't something you'd want to hold on to.

They haven't been all bodybuilders. One was a semi pro football player. Another was a boxer, but we weren't close.

Craigslist??!?!? See the more that comes out the more it is apparent what the issues are. What an underbelly of a place--of course you will get guys pushing for sex from that.

Full body pics??? On Craigslist?? Jeez i'm stunned at why this is happening to you. Kidding. Don't do that. The reason you are getting that kind of attention is craigslist is known for prostitutes and escorts. You shouldn't be putting your hat in the ring there even if you are spelling out what you want and do not want.

I was in Eastern Europe once in a real nice hotel & went out with colleagues and came back really late and was in lobby and elevator by myself all dressed up--guess what? a stranger asked me for sex! You know why? because typically women going around at 2am in a nice hotel looking nice were escorts/hookers there (which I wouldn't know, found out later and still don't care). He asked I laughed and said no or gave him a dirty look. If you put yourself in the wrong venues, i.e. this hotel in my case or craigslist in yours, you will get those kind of offers.

You have picked probably the two worst places craigslist and PoF to get genuine attention. I still don't think you have a belief system that will get you off this overzealous guard you have up.

March 19, 2018

There's a saying of being dropped like a hot potato. A potato isn't sexy nor isn't it something of value. A hot potato isn't something you'd want to hold on to.

That is only how you interpret it. That is irrelevant. They interpret it as they interpret it,...not the way you are interpreting.

They see the word "hot",...that is all that matters.

Call yourself ChastityBelt, DramaQueen, or NoSexSuzy or something like that.

Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the point.

HotPotato is fine in these forums because it is a different context.

With online dating all the guys care about are your pics and that you breathe, and some may not care that you breathe. Your profile could be blank and you'd get contacted if your pics looked good. That is why Tinder/Bumble work.

Edited March 19, 2018 by PRW

March 19, 2018

Full body pics??? On Craigslist?? Jeez i'm stunned at why this is happening to you. Kidding. Don't do that. The reason you are getting that kind of attention is craigslist is known for prostitutes and escorts. You shouldn't be putting your hat in the ring there even if you are spelling out what you want and do not want.
[...]

My reaction to the OP's post was very similar. I wondered reading all her previous threads how in the world she only met men who wanted sex on the first date. Suddenly it all made sense.

March 19, 2018

I rest my case.

Listen, bodybuilders, boxers, and football players are all, mostly, on steroids or some type of testosterone enhancers, they're, mostly, brutes. You get what you're looking for and I am speaking as someone with experience, I did have my phase of dating bodybuilders, boxers and football players.

Well...My ex was really into fitness. He also sang, played guitar, and was an artist. My motorcycle friend is really into fitness as well. He's kind of a soft goofball sometimes. He also likes interior decorating.

The worst by I ever had was a computer geek. He was the brute out of all of them. He liked to put his fist in my face.

So, eh, hasn't been my experience.

March 19, 2018

Craigslist??!?!? See the more that comes out the more it is apparent what the issues are. What an underbelly of a place--of course you will get guys pushing for sex from that.

Full body pics??? On Craigslist?? Jeez i'm stunned at why this is happening to you. Kidding. Don't do that. The reason you are getting that kind of attention is craigslist is known for prostitutes and escorts. You shouldn't be putting your hat in the ring there even if you are spelling out what you want and do not want.

I was in Eastern Europe once in a real nice hotel & went out with colleagues and came back really late and was in lobby and elevator by myself all dressed up--guess what? a stranger asked me for sex! You know why? because typically women going around at 2am in a nice hotel looking nice were escorts/hookers there (which I wouldn't know, found out later and still don't care). He asked I laughed and said no or gave him a dirty look. If you put yourself in the wrong venues, i.e. this hotel in my case or craigslist in yours, you will get those kind of offers.

You have picked probably the two worst places craigslist and PoF to get genuine attention. I still don't think you have a belief system that will get you off this overzealous guard you have up.

So wait, I'm criticized for posting just headshots , then I get criticized for posting full body pics? Ok, we gotta pic one.

I wasn't looking for romance on co. I was looking for a motorcycle pal, and I found him though it was a pain.

This was last year, not all those other years. Last year was my only time on Craigslist.

March 19, 2018

Well...My ex was really into fitness. He also sang, played guitar, and was an artist. My motorcycle friend is really into fitness as well. He's kind of a soft goofball sometimes. He also likes interior decorating.

The worst by I ever had was a computer geek. He was the brute out of all of them. He liked to put his fist in my face.

So, eh, hasn't been my experience.

Also, the vast majority of guys I've dated were average as far as looks and not athletic. I have not exclusively gone on dates with any particular type of man.

March 19, 2018

Have you mentioned in your bio that you’re looking for an ltr?

I'm sure I did. I certainly did not say I was looking for casual sex.

March 19, 2018

So wait, I'm criticized for posting just headshots , then I get criticized for posting full body pics? Ok, we gotta pic one.

I wasn't looking for romance on co. I was looking for a motorcycle pal, and I found him though it was a pain.

This was last year, not all those other years. Last year was my only time on Craigslist.

Also, I posted in the platonic section, not the dating section and stated clearly what I was,looking for.

March 19, 2018

To reiterate, I have not found less attractive men to be nicer, not by a long shot. Less attractive men have been the ones to lie about sex or sexually aggressive to the extreme. Someone is not nicer bc they are less attractive. There are a lot of people who are unattractive inside and out. One of the nicest guys I ever met was handsome, 6'7, and muscular.

Sometimes I think average Joe can tell I'm not super into him.

Tbh I've had much better luck with guys who are also into fitness. Right of the bat we have something in common.

If I try to date average Joe, we are going to have a lot of lifestyle differences.

March 19, 2018

It's not me being naive, I just realized i go on dates for different reasons than a man does, which usually results in a waste of my time.

A) I get that the guy wants to have sex, but he can wait a bit and get to know me first. Most guys try to have sex right off the bat then disappear. A couple guys tried to pretend they liked me so they could get sex. Finally, a few guys actually try to get to know me.

it seems like the guys are trying to have sex with me and leave regardless of how I feel.

B)No, but usually the guys i've met were only trying to have sex. Now if they had asked for sex then tried to keep getting to know me, that would be different.

C)I agree that a man may not know if he wants a relationship off the bat. However, that's a great reason to take time and get to know me. Also, i don't think 1st date sex will be the same as sex down the road in a relationship.

D) yes, but these guys aren't trying to avoid the friendzone as they are not trying to date me. I understand it's very easy for a man to be attracted to a woman. Just because a guy isn't trying to bone me really quickly, doesn't mean he likes me or anything like that. Nowadays if a man wants to date me, he has to come with something thoughtful, not discovery channel sex. Take me on a trip, motorcycle ride, bring me roses.

If a guy is primarily after a sex, id rather him not take me on a date. My former fwb never took me on a date, never pretended to like me. If he sees me, he comes up and blatantly asks for sex. (I haven't been with him in over 2 years.)

I think if a guy asks for sex then disappears, that a pretty clear sign. It's not me seeing a red flag that isn't there.

I’m fairly certain that a majority of men whom are dating Are indeed looking for a long term relationship, yes, they are also interested in sex (again, not mutually exclusive). But, they - assuming your narrative is correct - aren’t interested in a relationship with you. Asking for sex might be their way to salvage a bad date (“nothing to lose here, so I’ll just go for it”).

A lot of different people are trying to provide insight, your instinct is to blame external factors, going into defensive mode, instead of using said insight to self reflect. If this pattern is true for your dating life “guys are just looking for sex”, might be another excuse of yours to avoid the hard fact: They are simply not into you.

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