I think my girlfriend is a gold digger

[js_77]

Were you really expecting someone 10 years younger who's still in college to split costs with you? C'mon, man, be realistic. If you really want to split costs, chances are you'll need to date someone your age who already has a career. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

I know about that, maybe I didn't think about this the way I should before dating her.

So, OP, you've never made out in her car because it's always off-limits?

 

IMO, ramp down the gold-digger stuff and assess how she treats you in the relationship. People who love give. It doesn't have to be stuff or cash. How does that go for you?

She's very loving and caring to me, maybe that's the way she shows her love to me, I think.

She may or may not be gold digging, but I know this: she is under the impression that this is the role that older men play, yes that is why she is dating you. She's in college, no career, no money, practically a child....what the hell were you expecting?

 

IMO, like Elswyth said, you need to be more realistic. If you want equal, you need to date someone closer to your own age that has a career, independence and money of her own.

Thanks for the reply, you're right but I don't want to date other girl because I like her.

Have you ever asked her why she doesn't pay or drive over to your place?

 

If this bothers you this much, why haven't you broken up with her?

Because I like her.

Well, stay in your lane and stop dating college students if you're that hung up on who pays for what. Unless she's a trust fund baby (and even if she is, the executor of her fund may have her on a short leash), college students, by and large, are broke. That's the trade off for having such a young sex partner.

 

When you talk to her about this, what does she say? What does she offer to do, besides have sex with you?

 

If you need presents and gifts, you need to speak up. No one is going to read your mind. She may not show her love in that manner and if getting gifts is the way you qualify love, then you have to own your voice and speak up. You're old enough to get with that, no?

ok

Yes, cause dinners and car rides are gold... Sure, you don't have to invest that if you don't want to, but calling her a gold digger is completely undeserved. Plenty of guys pay for food and give free rides, maybe she's just used to that kind of traditional dating

Used to be spoiled too much?

I suspect she hasn't brought anything to this relationship, not even a compliment and you are feeling this is too one sided. Kinda like dating an escort. Am I correct?

No, she's kind, loving and caring to me.

[smackie9]

Well then that is all she can bring to the table, take it or leave it.

[lovephule]

I don't know, I hope not!

 

If not, you're probably safe. At 22 and living in this internet age, she has ample opportunity to have all her bills taken care of and then some, if that's a primary goal. Doesn't sound like that's happening here.

[preraph]

She's a college kid. I'm sure her funds are very limited. She is probably having to help pay for her schooling. Why not ask her "Do you ever foresee a time when you could start sometimes splitting the meal bills with me? I love seeing you frequently, but it's hurting my budget" (or I'm saving up for a ______). See how she reacts. But be sure you do NOT expect a college girl to go 50/50 with you.

[SevenCity]

She's not a gold digger, she is selfish.

 

If she's got a car there is no reason she can't come to you.

 

Last night I had one of the women I'm dating take me out to dinner. She usually comes by my place so I went to hers this time.

 

I've dated women who expect me to do all the leg work, and a few like this one who share the financial burden.

 

Guess which I prefer?

 

Most women are happy to have guys do all the work and paying, however there are a few who aren't.

 

Funny how women want equality except when it is inconvienent or impacts their bottom line.

[basil67]

I'm 31 she's 22 and still in college, we're exclusive, she has a job but I make more money than her! About the future I don't know how to talk about that it's too soon for this

 

I agree with the most recent posts. If you want an equal partner, then date someone who's at an equal stage in life.

 

There's no way a 22yo college student can match you on spending power.

[preraph]

The only time I remember eating out in college was when my roommate took a side job at a Mexican restaurant and got a big discount she could share with me. I think that was exactly twice. My meager amount of money went to partying and gas for the car.

[Ruby Slippers]

I date men who pretty much always pay and always drive. Even if I offer, they prefer it this way. I do things he doesn't do, like pretty much all the household work, cleaning and cooking. The strong, traditional, masculine men I like to date are happy to provide in this way. He's the man and I'm his woman and we both like it that way.

 

If you don't like it this way, maybe you should look for a girl who's more modern/progressive in her romantic disposition.

[kendahke]

Because I like her.

 

Then this really isn't a problem if you're not willing to remove yourself from someone's presence who isn't treating you the way you want to be treated.

[kendahke]

She's not a gold digger, she is selfish.

 

If she's got a car there is no reason she can't come to you.

 

Last night I had one of the women I'm dating take me out to dinner. She usually comes by my place so I went to hers this time.

 

I've dated women who expect me to do all the leg work, and a few like this one who share the financial burden.

 

Guess which I prefer?

 

Most women are happy to have guys do all the work and paying, however there are a few who aren't.

 

Funny how women want equality except when it is inconvienent or impacts their bottom line.

 

 

The guy who I quote in my tag line put out a video today addressing this very thing and his answer will surprise many.

[Shining One]

OP, if these qualities are important to you, you should be dating women who exhibit them early on. In my experience, women who want to contribute do so without there being a discussion about it.

[Els]

I know about that, maybe I didn't think about this the way I should before dating her.

 

She's very loving and caring to me, maybe that's the way she shows her love to me, I think.

 

Thanks for the reply, you're right but I don't want to date other girl because I like her.

 

Because I like her.

 

ok

 

Used to be spoiled too much?

 

No, she's kind, loving and caring to me.

 

Well, then this is something that you'll likely need to put up with, at least until she graduates and has had a couple years to work and save up some. It's entirely your choice - if you want to stay then stay, but otherwise you can always leave.

 

I do think that she should at least be offering to pay occasionally for the really cheap stuff though - like coffees etc. Just as a gesture. If she doesn't, then it's likely a personality thing, not solely because she's in college.

[BeyondtheClouds]

The average university student in the US and in some parts of Europe are living on borrowed time and moey, AKA student debt.

 

If she's paying for you, the contemplate also the 10% premium on everything that she spends money on.

 

I'm with the other posters here: you can't squeeze blood out of a rock. Dating a univeristy student even with a part time job is no match financially for a 32 year old (Man who makes 20% more than his female colleagues) with a full time job.

 

Have you dated women closer to your age and financial position before?

[BeyondtheClouds]

She may just have a conservative attitude when it comes to dating. I once dated a Latina where it was very much the case. She however made sure that I didn't get the idea it was one-sided.

 

Out of curiosity, what things did she do that kept things in your relationship balanced?

[lovephule]

I'm 31 she's 22 and still in college, we're exclusive, she has a job but I make more money than her! About the future I don't know how to talk about that it's too soon for this

 

Do you know if she wants marriage and children? In general, not necessarily with you.

 

There is a saying about good wives making terrible girlfriends. Given your post history, in this very specific case I think her picking up the tab would only be giving you more room to be unserious and postpone these types of conversations indefinitely.

[Purepony]

That’s a big difference how do you two even get along ?

 

She’s probably on face space and your probably dealing with stress from work

[heavenonearth]

She's very loving and caring to me, maybe that's the way she shows her love to me, I think.

 

No, she's kind, loving and caring to me.

 

 

Yeah... that’s how people tend to show their love to their partners... by being loving and caring.

 

I really don’t see your problem here.

If you date a person who is still getting their education, of course, there will be less possibility for that person to eat out a lot and pay for certain things.

 

I am still in school and my boyfriend has an established career (he’s also 8 years older than i am). When i am on my own i don’t eat out much and i rarely go for drinks. When we are together we eat out and go out a lot and he always pays. I have offered to pay my share ample times but he refuses.

This is how it is now and i don’t feel bad about it because i am trying my best to be the best girlfriend i can be and we both feel we give each other all the love we need.

 

Money is just money. If you feel she is exhausting your budget, you need to speak up. But i find it really sad you think that showing love to someone is done through paying for things and only that.

 

I have to admit i think in the US people have a different relationship with money than over here in Europe. It is more important to people.

Meh.

Edited March 19, 2018 by heavenonearth

[Purrrfect]

My friend had an experience with a gold digger and it was much more obvious than yours. Seems like your GF just expects you to pay. I don’t see anything wrong with that but I always offer to pay at some point or at least tip.

 

 

My friends gold digger asked him for money after a couple weeks. She was short on paying her cable bill. He made a lot of money and it was obvious she was a huge gold digger which he ignored since he was smitten. She talked him

Into booking expensive vacations. Buying her expensive handbags. The signs were there early on she loved money and didn’t have any herself.

 

Nothing in your post indicates this unless she starts asking for expensive stuff. She’s only 22. Most 22 yr olds never have any money

[healing light]

Most of my friends who pursued higher education along with me who didn't have a spouse or family to fund them are in 6 figure student loan debt. At the undergraduate phase, the average student loan burden is something like $27,000-30,000ish. So if she's anything like the typical American student, she doesn't have a pot to piss in.

[mortensorchid]

Based on the information you provided in the beginning that's not enough to go on. You're 31 and she's 22 and in college? That makes a bit more sense. Anything else to be aware of?

[snowboy91]

I'll echo everyone else here - if she's still at school she is most likely very short on money. So it's unreasonable to expect her to pay her way in an equal fashion on dates. But it is reasonable for you to expect some effort to be put in on her part. That's a point of discussion for you two to have - what would you consider reasonable given her situation? Paying once every 3-4 dates? Picking somewhere really cheap to eat? She organises a few dates and does the driving?

 

See this as an opportunity to improve your relationship - saying/doing nothing is potentially enabling this behaviour. Best to get it into the open now before it gets worse.

[js_77]

We talked and I told her everything (of course I didnt call her a gold digger), we had a Huge fight and shes very upset because she said I called her a gold digger, etc. I Didnt say nothing about gold digger!

[d0nnivain]

Just because you didn't use the phrase "gold digger" doesn't mean your other word choices or the discussion as a whole didn't imply it.

 

 

If you made up, see if she becomes more generous.

 

 

If this was a relationship ending fight, maybe it's just as well.

[lovephule]

We talked and I told her everything (of course I didnt call her a gold digger), we had a Huge fight and shes very upset because she said I called her a gold digger, etc. I Didnt say nothing about gold digger!

 

Well, what did you say?

[sgrinaldi]

OP, I'm in a similar position as your gf is, so perhaps I can give you a different perspective.

 

My bf is also a lot older than me and also makes a lot more money (I actually make none, as I'm still in school), and he pays for everything, but I do not consider myself a 'gold digger'. The way I look at it is that right now I can't contribute financially, but later on, I'll be able to. In the meantime we are in love so we both contribute what we can.

 

I have to say I find it a little disturbing that you are wondering if she is a 'gold digger' over something as trivial as paying for dinner or buying gifts. That's a pretty high standard to say 'gold digger'. I can only imagine what you'd say about me. My bf pays for my school, has bought me a car, has paid for cosmetic surgery, and pretty much lets me buy whatever I want on his credit cards. And I don't have much self-control in that area either. I even recently spent over $1000 shoe shopping!

 

But neither of us views me as some kind of 'gold digger'. We're simply in love and my bf happens to have money, that's all. We both contribute how we can, and we support each other in areas where we need to. That's a relationship.

 

But if you think your relationship is more like a 'sugar daddy' kind of thing, only you could know that, and if it is, and you don't want that kind of relationship, then you might be correct in breaking up with her. But no one here could know that better than you.